Monday, August 05, 2013

Embrace The Races

WHY ARE YOU SMILING!  There is nothing funny about losing!  Rex Iceman SUXXXXXX!
Before we get started on today's post, I'd like to first give a big middle finger to the Nap alums for getting soundly defeated by the Bulldog alums on Saturday night, 21-7.  You all have disappointed me for the last time.  I must admit that I was a little bit jealous to see pics of old dudes in pads again but not enough that I am already signing up for the next game.  I will not...probably.  Hopefully, Li'l Strut will pop in later to break down some of the great action but there were two Defi guys that got ejected which is ELITE and totally expected from people of their ilk.

We aren't going to talk about the Biogenesis suspensions that are apparently FINALLY going to be announced at some point today.  It is a big ass story but we'll talk about them in the comments if they ever do come down.  I do want to talk about baseball today though as the division races are getting mighty interesting with less than two months left in the season.  So let's take a look at my preseason division winners and who I see winning them now.

NL East: Then - Atlanta
Now - Atlanta.  This one was over in April.  The Braves have no chance to win the NL however.

NL Central: Then - St. Louis
Now - St. Louis.  I'm going to stick with the Cardinals because I think that they are the most complete team in this very top-heavy division.  The Pirates are a great story and I am rooting for them to go all the way since my team is done.  I expect Pittsburgh to regress to the mean a bit down the stretch like they always do but not enough to fall out of the race.  The Reds are really confusing to me.  It's hard to say that they are underachieving when you look at their record but I'm going to say it anyway.  They should be better than this. Tonya sucks but I am looking forward to meeting her on Saturday.

NL West: Then - LA Dodgers
Now - LA Dodgers.  Uncle T's favorite team has been ELITE since Puig came up and Hanley got healthy.  They have the best pitcher in the game.  Remember when some dumbasses said that Verl Haggard was the GOAT?  DUMB!  It has always been Kershaw.  I picked the Dodgers to win the pennant and I stand by that today.  They are the real life version of Dut's Studs and Scrubs.  Good enough to get to the championship, but not good enough to win it.  Count it.

NL Wild Cards: Then - Warrrrrrrshington and Cincinnata
Now - Pittsburgh and Cincinnata.  The Nats are a fucking joke.  I don't know if any of you out there has ever doubted my constant claims that young teams who overachieve one year always suck the next, but the Nats are proving this to be true yet again.

AL East: Then - New York Yankees
Now - Tampa Bay.  GENIUS JOE MADDON can kiss my ass.  He'll take all the credit for that starting rotation being incredible and he deserves none of it.  I h8 Joe Maddon.  They will do what they always do: make the playoffs and then forget how to play the game.  As for the Yankees, well, it's been a tough-ass year.  CC has been terrible but I'm glad that he picked this year to be bad.  The offense is one of the worst in the league.  A-Rod is about to get a hilarious 214 game suspension.  Buck Showalter is crying like he always does about how this savings will allow the Yankees to sign Matt Wieters in 2 years.  LOL we have enough guys that can't hit their weight, Buck.  You can keep that tall turd.

AL Central: Then - Detroit
Now - Detroit.  I looked ahead and the STREMPH of schedule for the Tigers and Tribe is about .100 throughout the final month of the season. If either of these two teams miss the playoffs, everyone should be fired.  It sets up perfectly.  But the Tigers are better and don't rely on fluke walk-off wins as much as Believeland does (which is fine, but you can't rely on that forever) so I'll stick with them to win the Central and then not win a World Series like they have done for the past 29 years and counting.

AL West: Then - LA Angels
Now - Oakland.  The Angels are fucking terrible.  They spend their money just as poorly as the Steinbrenners do.  I don't know how the Athletics keep doing it but this is now two years in a row so whatever.  Texas is about to get crushed with the loss of Nelson Cruz for an offense that isn't nearly as good as it used to be.  I do like Yu and he is probably the Cy Young favorite right now (4 14 K games is hard to overlook even for an oriental) but he can't pitch every day.

AL Wild Cards: Then - Texas and Tampa Bay
Now - Cleveland and Boston.  A one game Tito Bowl for the right to play GENIUS JOE MADDON?  I'll take it.  Both of these teams lead the league in ridiculous late inning wins that should happen maybe two or three times in a season and not two or three times in a week every week. It's cool though.  Neither one can win it all which is fine by me.  We've written off the Indians way too many times already this season that I'm not going to do it again.  Cakes deserves a winner.  LOL, j/k, he deserves an ax to the face.

I'll pick an Oakland/Dodgers World Series now which will never happen and would be the least viewed World Series ever.  I just want to see more footage of Tommy LaSorda sprinting to home plate because he's huge and huge people running is always funny.  I know I said earlier that the Dodgers won't win the Series but I'm on #TeamUncleT.  They are going to win it all.  Anyone but Detroit/Cleveland/Boston/Cincinnati/Atlanta (eh, why not?).  I don't want any of you to be happy.  Now let's spend the day in an Indians/Tigers small dick contest, reveling in the steroid suspensions, and reminiscing about the alumni game that only one of us went to!  I'm told that we may have a treat in store for tomorrow but Iceman has lied to us before.


Anonymous said...

Fingers are crossed for nudes of Wheelz tomorrow!

The AL Central has turned into The GOAT division. The Tigers, Indians and Royals just don't lose anymore.

Remember when G$ said for years that the Rays would go back to basement dwellers very soon? LOLZ....great call BRAH!

Manziel is special.


GMoney said...

Yes but the Twins and White Sox do nothing but lose. Still the worst division.

Hindsight Rays smack! Drew has stooped to a new low for trolling. In 2001 posts, I was bound to get one thing wrong. And yet eventually they will go back to where they belong.

Anonymous said...

Napoleon-Defiance Alumni Game Breakdown:

I have to admit, I was expecting much worse from this game, but the hitting and execution was pretty good for the first few possessions of the game, as Napoleon scored first and Defiance answered. You would have thought you were watching guys who just came off two-a-days. However, after that, it became clear that most of these guys were 30+ and not in the same cardiovascular shape they were in high school.

Until late in the 3rd quarter much of the game was played in between the 35 yard lines. In fact, to start the 2nd half, Defiance had a short kickoff that was returned to the Napoleon 40. That first possession ended in an INT, the next possession ended in a turnover on downs, and the next possession ended on a fumble. All 3 possessions were played inside the 40 yard lines. It was at this time that I realized how quiet these games are with no bands. It began to feel like a scrimmage.

Late in the 3rd quarter Defiance began to execute when the Bulldogs scored a 30+ yard TD on a pass that was underthrown and went right through a defender's hands in what could have been a pick 6. Fast forward to about 6 minutes left in the 4th, Napoleon Drove down to the Defiance 2 yard line, but turned it over on downs. This is where fatigue/age really began to show.

Defiance had a RB that graduated within the last 4 years I believe. After stopping Napoleon, Defiance simply handed their young RB the ball all the way down the field. It seemed the older guys were fatigued at this point and this RB churned out about 7 yards a carry on a 99 yard TD drive that put the nail in the coffin. Although, admittedly, some of these carries came from a Defiance RB who graduated about 20 years ago. He now probably weighs about 250, but looked like Jerome Bettis relative to the other guys out there.

Defiance ended up winning the game 21-7. It got chippy at the end with a few guys seemingly trying to get in one last hit by taking cheap shots. Overall, it was good to watch football and about 1,000+ attended the game.

At one point I texted G$ saying that "Z is tearing it up". I did so early in the game right after Z had made a TFL. He had a pretty solid game considering he is a 32 year old smoker.

-Lil' Strut

Nate said...

Just not the same without Burke* betting against his own team.

*I'm talking about straight version of Gay Burke, not Grabby Burke.

GMoney said...

Good write-up, LS, and thanks for the constant updates!

Big Rex said that Z didn't show up to any practices, took one rep before the game, and announced "I'm good". That's terrific.

Who scored for Nap? I am glad to hear that it was a pretty successful endeavor though.

Anonymous said...

The magic is back at Progressive Field.

I'm just thrilled that I get to watch meaningful baseball late in the season. Thank you for pointing out the ridiculously easy schedule the Tribe has the rest of the way. Noted baseball sages Ide and Iceman fail to see this. The Tribe is in this until the end. The Tigers will get to see the magic up close starting tonight. Ryan Raburn has been waiting for this.


Anonymous said...

So fun times this weekend. While finally getting around to making plans to go to that hell hole known as Toledo, I created a shitstorm.

I call my mom to let her know that I will be coming into town and due to me going to Toledo voluntarily once in, well, this is probably the first time, I would be a good son and stay there and eat some of her ELITE homecooking. I sent her a text about this back in June or early July. So, when I call this weekend to remind her, this is the conversation that ensues.

"Oh, you're coming in next weekend...on the 10th?"

"Yep, exactly as I detailed in my text some time ago."

"Well, you know your cousin Andy is getting married that same day, were you planning on going to that?"


"Well your whole family will be there, and you haven't seen them since your uncle's funeral several years back."

"Umm, well, no. I wasn't invited, and you just told me about it, so no, I doubt I will go. How far is it away from that Amtrak station?"

"Like an hour."

"Then, definitely no. Next time invite me."

"We didn't think you would come."

"Yeah, I doubt I would have, Andy is weird."

The rest of the conversation is pretty awkward considering I'm coming all the way to the hometown of my entire family to see an internet friend and NOT go to a family reunion/wedding. I don't feel guilty, but rather appalled that I should even be expected to go to such a thing. Uninvited, nonetheless.

So, not to be deterred, my mom goes on the offensive. I start getting messages from aunts, uncles, and cousins saying they heard I was coming into town and hope to see me next week. Unfuckingbelievable.

I am currently drafting a blanket letter to mass send them all basically telling them to piss off.


GMoney said...

The Money Shot Commentariat is your new family. We are all you need and we ask so very little of you. You will never hear any of us begging for your attendance. Ever.

The Iceman said...

"Cakes deserves a winner. LOL, j/k, he deserves an ax to the face."

This LOL'ed the shit out of me.

Ide likes me more than his own family. Win?

But I do feel your pain on that one, Ide. I have had family members die I haven't seen or talked to in easily 10 years. Then I'll get a text the day before the funeral from my mom asking me if I plan on going. Uhhhh, no. I won't be there. Because A) You can't drop a fucking funeral on me one day in advance and expect me to leave everything in my life for someone I barely knew and probably didn't like anyway and B) none of these family members you insist I spend time around can't seem to find a way to get their hillbilly asses to any of my shit. So why should I do the same in return?

Perfect mother clawed and fought to get 25 family members I literally never talk to anymore invited to our wedding. Of the 25 RSVPs I sent out to these reletive strangers my mother swore would want to come, do you know how many I got back? Three. Fucking three. And 2 of those said they would not be attending. The only yes was from my uncle who couldn't pry himself away from his bro camping trip he takes every year, so he gave it to his wife and daughter and said, "have fun." Like it was a fucking bus ticket or something. Real fucking fresh there, buddy. Why don't you do everyone a favor and cram that RSVP up your asshole. I've also had my mom attempt to drag me to weddings and graduation parties of cousins I never knew existed. Those conversations between her and I need a studio audience because the words exchanged are choice.

History is on my side, Damman. That's all the information I require to make my Indians will not make the playoffs prediction.

Anonymous said...

Cooler heads prevailed, and I explained to my mom that it wasn't going to happen. So she goes back to being a mom and offers to DD for me, and have food ready.

By the way, that stupid train station you're getting married in offers trips to NYC for roughly $150-200 each way and takes 16 hours. Fucking trains.


Anonymous said...


I feel your pain on the wedding invites. My mom wanted to invite every person she has ever met and insisted that they would be offended if they were not invited. She and I went through her invite list guest by guest and made it as black and white as possible. If A) my mom had not seen them in 3 years, B) I had not seen them in 5 years, or C) I have no clue who they are, they are not invited. Although it was hard for her to deal with initially, this actually proved effective in shaving of dozens of guests.

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

The Indians troll game is starting to hit its stride. Ide sent me a 40,000 word essay on why the Indians wouldn't make the playoffs this year. He didn't bother to read it but some baseball wizard claims that the Indians have plateaued and will dissappoint me once again. NOT BUYING IT... unless the Tigers sweep us at home this week.

I'm with Damman on this one. Watching meaningful baseball this late is something I haven't experienced in 6 years. I agree that it's going to be tough to keep up this torrid pace and make the playoffs (despite what my Facebook/Twitter feeds say). Realistically next season is what the front office had pegged as the "playoff" season but nobody told that to the current roster.

It's going to be a wild two months and it all starts with this YUUUGE series in Cleveland. Can we go toe to toe with the other hottest team in baseball? Can the starting pitching continue to play over its head? Can Ryan Raburn continue to prove Iceman wrong? Can I make this outdated "Soap" reference last another paragraph? Tune in and find out!

GMoney said...

That Ide essay was the worst. It defined "tl; dr".

Now I know what it's like to watch meaningless baseball. I can't wait to see how ELITE the baseball is between the White Sox (worst team ever) and the Yankees this week. Oh man, A-Rod's attempted return is going to be so hilarious tonight.

Jeff said...

Red Sox have had their fair share of walk offs this year, but with all the blown saves of Hanrahan and Bailey, it all evens out. I'll take my chances in September with this club. The Rays will be tough to beat with that starting pitching, but they will stumble down the stretch with their tough schedule. They will still make the playoffs, but as the wild card. They need more cowbell down at the Trop.

Anonymous said...

Next year is when the Indians were pegged to make the playoffs? HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'd like to see some reasons why. Is another year of experience for that star studded lineup what you need to put the team over the top?

As long as miggy is able to play, I'm expecting to take 3/4 this series with the only loss being when verlander pitches.


GMoney said...

Walk-off wins are flukey. A horrible bullpen being horrible is not.

Dut, they are always "waiting for next year". Verlander sucks your dick.

Win what you can now because you will be destroyed by our ELITE offense this coming weekend in The Bronx! I hope you like 2-1 or 3-2 games.

Prime99 said...

A-Rod is the Dut of MLB. Major LULZ.

Families freak the fuck out during major life events (weddings, birth of babies, etc) and it is beyond annoying. Can't we keep ignoring each other instead of cramming a bunch of fake love into a life event? It's cool for people you know, but distant relatives freaking out or worse, family "friends" you don't know!

Anonymous said...

I second everything LS had to say about the alumni game. We were really thin on the d-line and couldn't come up any stops in the second half. Had a chance to tie it in the 4th, but couldn't score after having first and goal and their 99-yard drive was flawless and drained the clock. Other random thoughts:

- Overall quality of play was much better than what I expected. The night before the game we still had guys running into each other in the backfield, motioning the wrong way, etc. I don't remember any kind of obvious gags like that either way ... except for maybe when I thought I was going to throw a pass through a linebacker's chest on the first play of the second half.

- Both teams had a player ejected after a minor dustup in the first quarter, but they were allowed to return after halftime by mutual consent of both teams. Way to stand by your rules.

- Z might have broken a bone in his hand. It was really SWOLL after the game.

- Felt just like high school again where I had to tell 8 Ball what to do on every single play. He will admit to this as well.

- Each team had co-MVPs. One of our MVPs needed a smoke break at halftime. I couldn't make this up.

- Lucas Oberhaus (Class of 2007, I think) scored our touchdown. Short off-tackle run out of the T. Somewhere I know Snoad was nodding approvingly.

- LS pegged the crowd at 1,000. It had to be somewhere in the 2,000-2,500 range. The visitors' stands supposedly hold about 1,000, and they were full. It was actually a pretty cool atmosphere.

- Lastly, and most importantly, I felt extra sexy wearing that Iceman #15 out there.

In the end, we had fun even if a few guys probably couldn't walk on Sunday morning and we raised a few grand for the football program, so it was definitely worth it. If they set it up again next year I'll seriously consider doing it again.

Big Rex

GMoney said...

Somewhere I know Snoad was nodding approvingly.

He better be cracking imaginary coconuts with that jaw.

It does not surprise me at all that 8 Ball (or 11 Ball?) had no idea what the plays were. He was probably daydreaming of the time he got laid on the 50 yard line. I am SHOCKED that he brought this game to everyone and it was a success.

Was there any kicking? My guess is that there was not. And that is a damn shame as special teams are the most important facet of the game. I would have easily booted five 50 yard field goals, secured the victory for Napoleon West School, and been carried off the field like a non-gay Rudy.

GMoney said...

By the way, FagNasty's older bro posted FB pics of his bruises and HOLY SHIT. That guy is more purple than man.

The Iceman said...

The Indians were hovering around 6 games out of first place in the Central at this point last year. Right now they're 3 games out of first. So you've experienced meaningful baseball this late sooner than 6 years ago. Which makes you a liar, Cakes. Let's shine that axe up.

Like I said...Indians will blow it because they always do.

The Iceman said...

I would imagine Luke Oberhaus was pretty effective in that game. Dude is still built and is a little nuts. And by a little I mean a lot.

Rex brought great honor to the #15. Welcome to the family shrine.

Anonymous said...

We played full special teams, but there was a limit put on how many guys could rush the punter/kicker. The two teams combined to go 4-for-4 on extra points, which shocked me. I know we made ours thanks to my elite holding skills. Defiance seemed to be strategically kicking away from Charlie Harris on kickoffs--lots of short kicks that actually seemed to be on purpose.

Big Rex

GMoney said...

Defiance was better coached. Bottom line. I blame our coach's Ace blood.

Anonymous said...

Big Rex,

Was there a reason Harris was not used more? I felt that he would probably be in the best game shape and have the best athletic ability out of everyone. Or, was it an entirely different game for him going up against full grown men?

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

Haha. Ice trying to talk baseball again. First of all, the difference between 3 games and 6 games is pretty large when there is only 50 to play. That can take another week to make up and the season is beginning to run out of weeks.

Second, this team currently LEADS the second wild card. Last years team wasn't even in the wild card conversation at this point. Pretty sure a wild card counts as meaningful baseball.

Finally, there are no Lou Marsons or Johnny Damons on this team. Nobody in their right mind thought that last years collection of stiffs was competing for anything even if they were ONLY 6 games out at this point. If anything, it shows how much the Tigers underachieved.

Quit trying to argue baseball with me, Iceman.

GMoney said...

LS, the answer to your question is probably the simplest: he was too drunk. He tried to walk out of the locker room but fell flat on his face and passed out.

Mark Reynolds and Nick Swisher ARE Sweet Lou and Johnny D.

Anonymous said...

It's great to see Tigers and Indians fans trolling each other on late season collapses. It's a shame the Cubs flame out by May these days, a perfect trifecta of glorious underachieving would be tremendous.

As long as DREW STUBBS turns in great weeks for me, I am happy.


Nate said...

Absolute wasted opportunity to see three Poopsons on the field at once.

GMoney said...

I was shocked that there was only one FagNasty boy of the three out there.

I play Ide this week. It looks like the playoffs has 7 teams fighting for one of six spots. I'm currently holding off Damman for that last slot (although I'm 2.5 games out of first which speaks to how ELITE our league is) but finish the season with all the dregs of the league (especially Burke who was quite confident in his greatness a few weeks ago and then went on a massive losing streak) so that should behoove my squadron.

My pitching staff has not been nearly as niggardly (best word ever) as they were a month ago.

Anonymous said...

Plenty of time to make a playoff push. One BIG week from being in the top 6. Ide still sucks

Anonymous said...

Now that I have ELITE Drew Stubbs back in the fold (he made the finals run with me two years ago), all I need is Grilli to stop being a gash (forearm, really?) and I will continue as regularly scheduled.

I am constantly happy with my consistent success in fantasy baseball given that I know the absolute least. I do have a high number of whites on my team, so there is that.


Anonymous said...

Couple things played into it LS. We went to him early and they bottled him up pretty well. I think it was pretty clear they were keying on him. I was surprised though that he didn't break one.

In the second half we just didn't run a lot of plays between our turnovers and Defiance's long possessions. And we wanted to make sure everyone got a couple carries so they felt like they got their money's worth.

If anything I think we should have taken a couple more shots with Fleck. I know I missed him on that third and 15 or so that got picked.