Thursday, August 29, 2013

CFB Preview Week: The Heisman

Suck my baby dick, Red Grange!
Before we hand out our Heisman Awards, I want to briefly discuss last year's winner: Juan Futbol Americana.  OK, so as of me typing this up, the Aggies have not announced whether they are going to play him on Saturday against Rice.  I get that.  They want the NCAA to make a decision which is not their strong suit.  Let's assume that they don't tell them shit now. Let's also assume that Sumlin plays his stud.  Let's keep the assumptions going and say that on 9/14 they beat Alabama again.  All of a sudden, come mid-October, the NCAA decides to call him ineligible.  My question is: Does Nicky SabeCakes get that loss back?  OBVZ they won't get a win, but will the game just be stricken from the record or what the hell would happen?  One thing is certain, the NCAA will fuck this up royally.  And we will probably have to get the old asterisks out.  UPDATE: NEVER MIND!  Let's hand out or hardware:

Li'l Strut: Braxton Miller, QB, Ohio State. Braxton will be a statistical monster this year, just as Tim Tebow and Alex Smith were in their second years in Urban Meyer’s offense. It will also help that he will be a statistical monster on an undefeated team headed to the BCS title game. The hype of being Urban Meyer’s QB won’t hurt either. With the benefit of two extra games this season, expect Braxton to throw for 3,000 yards, 30 TD’s, and about 6 INT’s. He will also rush for 1,200 yards and 12 TD’s.
Finalists - Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M. His statistics will still be impressive, but they will be down from last year. He will get an invite as last year’s winner, but, unfortunately, with all his offseason antics the voters will demand improvement for him to join the Archie Griffin club.
Todd Gurley, RB, Georgia. He will put up more impressive stats than T.J. Yeldon of Alabama, which will give Gurley the nod over his SEC Counterpart.

Damman: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. I fell in love with him watching the Sugar Bowl last year and he is going to go ham this year. I sure am giving a lot of love to the AAC. I think this kid has all the tools and he’s going to be on a team with 0 or 1 loss. I know he’s a long shot, but I’m rolling with Teddy!

Drew: Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville. I think Louisville will go undefeated this year, but will not be put into the NCG. Bridgewater will have an exceptional season and the media will give him the Heisman as some sort of consolation prize for not playing in the big game.
Runner-Up - Braxton Miller. We all know he's gonna be there....especially when his offense will average over 40 pts a game.
2nd Runner-Up - Jadeveon Clowney. I can't remember really a defensive player getting so much hype for the Heisman. He'll probably have some games with 5 sacks or so and some amazing hits...will get an invite.

The Wig Master: AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama. In what may be called a ‘career-Heisman’ the 2013 trophy goes to Alabama’s AJ McCarron.
Finalists - The three invites to NYC: Jadeveon Clowney, Braxton Miller and AJ McCarron. We have a sexy pick in Clowney; a benefactor of quality wins in Miller; and, a proven winner in McCarron. Well, I am off to Scotland to see how scotch is made, and then will be drinking said scotch. But be certain that I will see you panty-liners in this corner of the interwebs tomorrow.

GSaul: AJ McCarron, QB, Alabama. Last year, he threw for 2,933 yards while finishing No. 1 in the NCAA in pass efficiency (173.08 rating), thanks to an incredible 30-to-3 TD-to-INT ratio. He also has one of the top WR’s in the nation returning in sophomore Amari Cooper.
Finalists - Braxton Miller (OSU QB), Jadeveon Clowney (South Carolina DE), and Teddy Bridgewater (Louisville QB).

G$: Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina.  Yeah, I'll buy the hype only because he is the most fun player to watch and is as ELITE as a college football player can be.  If history tells us anything, it is that the guys who are listed as favorites now will likely not be anywhere in contention for the Heisman come December.  Football, Bobby G, Cam, Mark Ingram...they all came out of virtually nowhere.  I'm giving it to Clowney because he likes to kill scrubs from Michigan.
Finalists - Marcus Mariota (HUGE mistake by everyone else for ignoring him), Tajh Boyd (about to vault to the top on Saturday night), and TJ Yeldon (because I don't think that McCarron is all that great).

You probably wonder what the hell today's picture is all about.  Well, hold your butts because that is none other than GRUMPY back in 1955!  Notice the lack of face mask on the helmet!  Gentlemen, we officially have our Weisman Trophy statue and it is this little shitbird doing that pose!!! Congrats, young Grump!  We'll wrap up our dicks and CFB Preview Week tomorrow with the national champions and the first Mr. Ace Vise Grip of the Week or whatever he wants to call it.

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

I am truly honored.

The Iceman said...

That at picture is tremendous.

Braxton Miller with 42 TDs this year while essentially doubling his passing stats? Can't wait to see how this unfolds.

I'm still laughing at G$ insisting everyone to check out how black Jared Cook is during the draft last night. And him telling his wife to "get the hell out of here I'm drafting" when she came in to say goodnight. Good job, great effort.

Mr. Ace said...

I am kind of buying the hype around Seastrunk at Baylor. I just don't know if a RB can whin if the team isn't Top 10.

LS, if those are Braxtons stats he isn't winning the heisman... and I don't think he tops 25 TD's passing.

How about that elite Draft last night? Blowing your loadin the first 15 mminutes of a 2.5 hour Draft is no bueno. I should get some power rankings up tonight.

Also for those degenerates, I like Ole Miss -3 tonight. I think they surprise some people this year. Mr. Freeze means bidness.

The Iceman said...

"Blowing your loadin the first 15 mminutes of a 2.5 hour Draft is no bueno"

But the combo of Rodgers, McCoy, Charles and Marshall is pretty fucking deadly. Too bad the rest of your team blows. And you don't have to start Ryan Mathews every week.

Nate said...

The Candy Lineup will take the league by storm this year.

Mr. Ace said...

I didn't want Marshall. Fuxking Espn. But a top wr in a pass happyoffense isn't a horrible thing to fuck up on. I totes had to go deep sleeper the rest of the Draft though.

I told everybodyNate would kill it. Real recognize real.

Anonymous said...

I certainly went all in on Megatron and Julion Jones. Getting that faggot to be my QB at 15 bucks as a fine consolation. Though, Romo at $2 was just mind boggling.

Not overly excited about Demarco, but when one of those brittle backs in Stephen Jackson or Bradshaw go down, and they will, I will be there to reap the rewards. Also, for a lot of you early leavers. I GOT WOODHEAD MOTHERFUCKERS.

Ide

Anonymous said...

That breakout player of the year, Teddy Bridgewater, is sure getting a lot of Heisman love! LOLZ!

Great picture.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

If I would have known Rhomo was only going for $2 I would have spent more on Fitzgerald. My RBs are going to have to carry me because my receivers will not. So instead Ingram for 23 dollars was well worth it.


----Lange

Anonymous said...

No. He wasn't.

Then again I overpaid for Sproles, so I hope I'm right.

Ide

The Iceman said...

The prices on those late running backs were straight Hilario. Nene Hilario. At first I was a little bummed about $27 for Ridley and $35 for CJ. After seeing what happened at the end of the draft I was pretty okay with it.

I'll never understand blowing a third of your cap on a QB. Especially with how cheap the 5-10 QBs went.

Anonymous said...

It's all perspective. I did a lot of research into that point yesterday. There were the usual suspects, then Matt Ryan. After Ryan, there was a pretty noticeable drop off in production after that.

I landed on the faggot because he can (hopefully) also score 10+ TD's by rushing which would put him up with Ryan.

I then went back and looked at the past 4 champions. Last year, Prime and G$ both had Brees. The year before was no different. Big time QB's win championships. It's finding those guys like AlfMo or Ridley deep in the trenches that make teams win.

Not going HAM on proven running backs.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Oh...and anyone who takes a "flier" on Aaron Hernandez this year is LOLZ. When will this trial even begin? And when it does and if he is a free man after...will a verdict be handed down in time for him to not only sign on to a team but actually get in good enough shape to see the field? Doubtful.

The Iceman said...

But you're also forgetting that last year's champ (Prime) had the 2nd ranked WR and the top ranked RB who he probably got for a fucking steal. If you remember when we had this draft last year, AP's availability for the first quarter of the season was still up in the air. If you look back to how much AP went for, I'm sure you'll want to punch yourself in the nuts. So even though having Brees obviously helped, when you have AP and Marshall on your team I think the result would have been the same if Prime would have swapped Brees for a cheaper guy like Ryan or Romo.

And in year one Lange won it all with starting bullshit at QB all year. He started Schaub all year and Tebow in the championship game.

GMoney said...

Young Grump is a fine model for the Weisman indeed. That outfit better be in Canton.

I already have Jerry Kill -14 over UNLV tonight. UNLV is trash.

I'm OK with my team despite its reliance on Maffews. We have an ELITE collection of back-ups so we'll be rooting for injuries.

I wouldn't get too worked up about how much guys went for at the end. Le'Veon Bell going for 25 or whatever was just an arms race between Wiggy and I to get the last and most talented starting RB out there and we weren't leaving the draft with money.

There are how many ELITE players in the league? 15? Maybe 20? I have three of them. I'll be fine.

Jared Cook is shockingly black. I was not expecting that much shade.

Anonymous said...

Timmy Tenor led me all the way and defeated Grumps Steelers in the playoffs. While I think QB play is huge, if I can get 3 potential top 10 Rbs and Rhomo I would take that all. I'm still angry about not getting Fitzgerald but I was not sure how much Rhomo would go for. This led to Lil Strut gettting all butt hurt last night by the big spending at the end of the draft. I don't like government officials telling me how to spend my money.


----Lange

GMoney said...

Fuck the government. I demand a government shutdown. I play Ape in week one. Put me down for 1-0.

I still think that Nicks for 10 bucks is good value. It's no Romo for $2 but still a low risk/high reward.

FYI, just confirmed that our now weekly APE'S TOP BANANA OF THE WEEK or whatever it will be called is OLE MISS -3 at Vandy tonight and he will have another one tomorrow. We will be charting his record throughout the season. God Bless.

Robot word = ybrah 352...WHY BRAH INDEED!

Prime99 said...

I really wanted Brees for the third straight year, but Damman bid on him like he was the last chunky girl left at the bar. My draft room frozen during Forte bidding though I'm not sure I would've gone much higher than $41 on him, so whatevs. I'm not throwing any tantrums like our fine commissioner.

Kaepernick for $20 seems solid. Coached by a BRAH, duel threat, and has the upside to get 20+ each week. My WRs are lacking but my DEPF should make up for lack of STREMPF.

Ice, what fucking leagues are you in? 2 qbs, people who draft Aaron Hernandez, and bonus points for gay sex? Yet you complain about PPR and whiskey? Not cool, BRAH.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, my draft room froze a lot last night. I lost out on Alf Mo because of it. It always happened at the 6 second mark as well.

Another reason to draft live. Also, another reason Dut sucks, because we are going to have to go through this again next week.

Drafting Aaron Hernandez as a last pick is awesome. Like your last pick is ever going to be good anyways.

Ide

GMoney said...

By the way, Ace, I really love randomly busting out your old "Aaron Opelt for Heisman" label. It's not as good as "Braxton Miller is Tate Forcier" label, but still makes me laugh.

I know that some people like Phil Rivers' bottom bitch love to diminish the Heisman Trophy but the FACT remains that it is the most ELITE trophy in all of sports and it means a lot. Troy Smith tried to ruin that legacy, but he wasn't able to.

Man, I TOTES can't wait to watch Clowney tonight. Also, GO HAWAII!!!

Prime99 said...

Oh, and I believe I got AP for $23 last year.

Mr. Ace said...

Freemont Ross Little Giants 4 LIFE.

I am pretty happy about getting McCoy and Charles for 82 combined after seeing what all the other rb's went for. PPR Stunnas right there.

The Iceman said...

"Ice, what fucking leagues are you in? 2 qbs, people who draft Aaron Hernandez, and bonus points for gay sex? Yet you complain about PPR and whiskey? Not cool, BRAH."

This league. A-Hern went in this league.

Hey now! I believe I was the creator of the Braxton Miller is Tate Forcier label. Show some RESPEK dammit!

Nate said...

Iceman,

I look at spending a point on Aaron Hernandez as a good conversation starter.

The Candy Lineup is not holding out for a dismissal on charges due to technicality.

We are all expecting life without parole.



GMoney said...

My mistake. Still a great label.

Prime99 said...

I must've missed that. Maybe my browser was frozen or I stopped paying attention. Ashy Larry would be a good team name for someone with Hernandez, though.

The Iceman said...

I wasn't aware it was for a goof, Nate. I'm in other leagues where people are drafting him and thinking he could possibly see the field this season. Needless to say those people will be finishing at the bottom this year.

GMoney said...

Why would you say that? At least you know that you have an expendable (but not The Expendables obvz) on your roster once the games start.

Anonymous said...

Because, G$, drafting expendables is the last rounds is not how you DOMINATE.

If it comes down to taking Aaron Hernandez for a good laugh and Kendall Hunter for GLORY, you take Hunter EVERY TIME.

Ide

GMoney said...

How did I not remember until today that Saved By The Bell was on in the afternoons? No Hope With Dope followed by Friends Forever...what a day!

Prime99 said...

Johnny Dakota was the Aaron Hernandez of his time. Pretty sure he muurdered his creepy assistant.