Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Back To The Grind

Our goal is to make it longer than these two.  Dream big, right?

Well kids, the honeymoon is over.  Literally.  Back to reality and back to work tomorrow.  It's like a slap to the lips with the head of a dirty dick.  This is going to be a mail in post today since I just got off an 11 hour flight from hell.  So what I'll do is just recap the highlights of Hawaii for everyone and maybe throw in a sports topic at the end.

First...we missed our flight to LA.  Tremendous way to start out the honeymoon.  Wheelz misread the departure time and we got to the airport just as our flight was taking off.  By the time they found us a new flight, we were going to miss all of the other connecting flights at every other airport so we were stranded in LA for the very first night of our honeymoon.  It actually worked out though because I was able to watch a rerun of the first episode of Breaking Bad that night.  And the hotel room was free.  And the airline gave us $25 vouchers for food and whatever else we wanted for the next day.  I bought a Dodgers t-shirt because that was the only shirt in LAX that didn't make me look like a touristy douche cake.

The first island we went to was Kauai.  It's country as fuck and they like it that way.  Every time we talked to a local and told them we were heading to Oahu in 2 days they turned up their nose and huffed at the notion of ever considering such a dreadful place.  I don't do well with pompous.  We arrived at the resort and when we checked in we were informed our room was given to someone else on accident.  Of fucking course it was.  OBVZ Wheelz has special room needs and requirements because of her paralysis and this was the only room that was going to work for her...and it was gone because some sausage fingered dildo had too much SPAM grease in their eye to realize what they were doing.  So the manager gave us like a night free and some other shit.  Wheelz didn't seem to mind so I just let it be.

Kauai was cool but I don't know if I could have done more than 2 days there.  Like I said, the locals were pretty asshole-ish about everything and didn't take kindly to tourists.  And there were wild chickens fucking EVERYWHERE.  We spent a few hours in this place called Hanapepe and I swear I was in Kakariko Village from The Ocarina of Time.  Chickens everywhere...windmills...children running in the streets...me breaking clay pots searching for rupees.  It was pretty fucking bizarre.  I bought a locally made menehune in that village that creeped the shit out of Wheelz to the core.  Best purchase I've ever made.

Now Oahu.  We ate at some pretty ELITE places on that island.  North Shore Taco was the tits and Hank's Haute Dogs was my personal favorite.  You haven't lived until you've had a hot dog wrapped in bacon and then deep fried.  Take a moment to absorb what I just told you.  They also fried their fries in duck fat which is out of this fucking world awesome.

The traffic on Oahu is fucking stupid as shit.  No matter where you're trying to go make sure you have at least an hour to get there.  There are 3 very popular beaches along the coast of North Shore and people will stop at fucking nothing to make sure they have a spot there.  No matter how backed up the traffic gets.

We went to the Dole Plantation.  It was meh.  If anyone tells you that you MUST HAVE A DOLE WHIP you have my permission to uppercut their choad.  OVERRATED if you ask me.  The most hilarious thing about the Dole plantation was how people were frantically buying pineapples from there to have them shipped to their family or friends on the mainland.  I LOL'ed so hard at this because....WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THE DOLE PINEAPPLES YOU BUY AT THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE COME FROM YOU FUCKING DOLT?!?!  James Dole and his family thanks you for being a fucking idiot.

I'm not familiar with the Asian culture at all.  But I have a suspicion they despise the handicapped.  Or maybe in Asia they take all of the handicapped community and execute them.  Or ship them off to a fucking deserted island or something.  Shit, I have no idea.  But it was pretty clear that the entire Asian culture either doesn't spend time around people in wheelchairs or they make it a point not to.  It just seemed like every single person who cut off Wheelz or bumped into her chair or did something incredibly rude was fucking Asian.  Speaking of Asians...

Pearl Harbor is just an incredible thing to witness.  We spent about 7 hours there and went everywhere that place had to offer.  We toured the hangars (that still have original bullet holes from the attack), spent a few hours on the U.S.S. Missouri and of course, the U.S.S. Arizona memorial.  For those unfamiliar, the Arizona was seen as an unsinkable WWII battleship until the Japanese got ahold of it.  You can still see the shipwreck through the water and the ship itself still leaks oil.  The most haunting thing about that place is knowing that the harbor is still the tomb of over 950 dead soldiers.  They were never removed from their watery graves.  Probably my favorite part of the whole trip because I'm a closet history nerd.  What of it?  If possible, get yourself to Pearl Harbor.  It's TOTES worth the trip.

On Oahu we stayed in cottages on Turtle Bay.  On the last day we discovered the exact same cottages we stayed in were used in the filming of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  We also found out that 75% of that movie was filmed on that resort.  I spent the next few hours regurgitating ELITE lines from that movie.  Lines that mostly went unnoticed because if it's not a fucking Disney movie or a God damn cartoon, chances are my shiny new wife hasn't seen it.

So that's about it.  We did and saw a lot more but those were the highlights.  Well...that and Grumpy trying to lecture me about winning an argument about Tom Brady while I was on my honeymoon.  Never question my dedication to this site!  Oh...and apparently I'm famous now too.  That actually blows because believe it or not I'm a pretty private guy.  We're supposed to be on The View in like 3 weeks.  I plan on giving Whoopi Goldberg a hand written love note from Ide.  Oh...and I don't feel like throwing a sports topic out there so I guess I lied.  It's not the first time I've let you all down and certainly won't be the last.


Anonymous said...

How does a woman mess up the departure time for her honeymoon....and where was the man to verify that his woman wasn't being dumb?

So, Iceman basically says that Hawaii sucks except for the place where almost 1,000 murdered American soldiers lie. Interesting..what a terrorist.

Did you try to visit Dog The Bounty Hunter?

Is Slow Seal here today? I'd love to know how the Tigers have been the most underperforming team in the majors....with yet somehow having the best record in the AL. I'm sure he still believes that...because he is so SLOW.


The Iceman said...

The man was too busy letting someone else do everything. I didn't ask questions because that opened the door for her to ask me for assistance with all that bullshit and future bullshit. Don't tap the aquarium.

Drew OBVZ missed the parts where I said Kauai was cool, Oahu had ELITE food and we stayed in the Forgettinf Sarah Marshall cottages which was also sweet. Drew being Drew.

I can't stress this enough...G$'s wedding card will go down in history as the best wedding card ever. Ide's was kinda cool too.

Grumpy said...

A reality show can't be far behind. Don't forget all the little people you passed on the way up.

GMoney said...

Yeah, you are definitely The View's target demo and probably the biggest fan of the show. You're gay. Make sure you name drop the site or wear a t-shirt with my face or something. I'd love to get Barbara Walters commenting here daily. She and Grump can discuss the French and Indian War. We'll talk.

Admit it, you only went to Pearl Harbor out of respect for Ben Affleck and Cuba Gooding Jr.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall was probably the least funny movie I've ever seen. I laughed more at Coccoon.

CONGRATS THOUGH BRO! Not for getting married or appreciating my ELITE shirtless Hasselhoff talking card, but because you made it! The horrible offseason for you is over. You have next week off and then Tuesdays are nothing but college football posts out of you for the next four months!!!

MuDawgfan said...

"Kakariko Village from The Ocarina of Time"

Instant ELITE reference HOF nomination

GMoney said...

Yeah, I have no idea what that means so I stared at Kim's jugs and Kris's douche aura instead.

The Iceman said...

I knew the Zelda reference wouldn't fall completely on deaf ears. Those who don't get it can find another blog. That goes double for G$. I'm not sure who's happier about college football posts being back. Me or the commentariat.

Worst part of vacation is today. Getting back to work and trying to tread through all the shit you missed while being gone. I should just win the lottery and retire.

GMoney said...

By the way, old Wig Master was trying to argue with me last night that the name of the old baseball card shop in Nap was "The Batters Box". It was CLEARLY "The Bat Rack". Prime and Ice agreed with me. He needs to step off before he gets hurt. He should probably also take a few classes at DeVry on Naptown Historical Landmarks.

Another "also": Li'l Strut is apparently running for public office this Fall as a State Rep for the Four County area. Best of luck not really!

The Iceman said...

How do you fuck up a historical landmark like the Bat Rack?? He probably did all of his card shopping at Mel's. Or Rex-All's.

Prime99 said...

I concur it was the Bat Rack and while I moved away in FOURF grade, I still remember spending my parents' $$$ at that fine establishment.

Frosty Boy ftw!

The Zelda reference was fantastic, though it sounds like you vacationed in Bakersfield.

Honeymoons are great. I'm Favebook friends with one of the Jamaican resort people from Mrs. Cousins' and my honeymoon. He calls himself "Da Lejund" and talks about boning chicks constently.

Brady said...

Sweet honeymoon recap! Too bad you didn't try to surf when you were there. I heard there was a horrendous shark attack in Hawaii while you were there. Not sure what island or anything because I lost interest when the news revealed it wasn't you. Too bad though. "Paralyzed bride's husband becomes shark attack victim on honeymoon" would have been the best headline ever.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Brady with the win today, nice work.

my robot code was rackduc, therefor, Wigmaster is wrong.


GMoney said...

"Paralyzed bride's husband becomes shark attack victim on honeymoon"

Cakes owns Iceman yet again!!! You should write that script for Lifetime or SyFy.

Don't you talk shit about Rex-All. Where else could you buy a few packs and slyly glance at Penthouse magazines? NOWHERE I SAY! Plus, the guy behind the counter there definitely touched little boys.

Just another friendly reminder to plugs o' butt, GSaul, Wiggy, and Dut...you've got two more days to finish your previews or Drew is coming for you.

The Iceman said...

All time low for comments today! Stan would be happy.

The Iceman said...

Maybe I'll just add one comment at a time to fictionalize the real numbers.

Brady said...

Probably should've thrown a sports take in there instead of the poor man's guide book to Hawaii.

I hear college football is coming up.

Prime99 said...

I figured you could have mentioned seeing Maurice Clarett selling weed in the Zelda village. Seems like he could be there if he's out of the joint.

Anonymous said...

Black people can't afford Hawaii unless the Pro Bowl is in town. Or those indigenous dark Samoan types, that probably don't count as fully black. Because having one of the top 3 most ELITE cookies named after your race gets you A LOT of points in my book.