Thursday, July 11, 2013

Urban Meyer Pulled The Trigger

Thanks for coming, Coach, but could you not smile?  You're scaring the cancer kids.
I made an interesting point to myself yesterday: it HAS been too long since we’ve shit-talked the Ohio Buckeyes. Well, that simply will not do. After all, URB HAZ NVR LOST A GAME DURR HURRRRRRRRR! We’re less than two months away from the red and gray embarking on the easiest schedule ever (and College Preview Week is right around the corner, too) and there are a few new news items surrounding the world’s worst program that need to be addressed.

Urban Meyer did NOT kill Odin Lloyd – I have no idea why he even felt the need to address this garbage but he did anyway. When a fucking idiot like Tim May calls, you always answer! So a few geniuses have written awful columns about how Urb should feel responsible for Aaron Hernandez’s Charles Bronson impression. Sure, his players had zero discipline or consequences for their actions at Florida but this is so lazy even for the lame-stream media. If anything, had Urban kicked him off the Gators, he probably would have become a serial killer sooner. I don’t understand why Meyer wanted to be put on the record but he did and now we’re all left wondering what good it did. I am an intelligent man and not one of his ham-fisted, mouth-breathing supporters and even I won’t be so dumb as to blame him for Odin Lloyd’s death. Same thing with Robert Kraft—why do you feel “duped” exactly? How was it ever possible for a football team to judge someone’s murdering ability? Is that what the Wonderlic test is for? On a lighter note, this Hernandez case continues to be fascinating. I’m a big fan of his lawyer looking like an even fatter version of Peter King.

EA Sports says no undefeated season – Not that it matters all that much, but EA’s simulation of the Ohio season has them going 13-1 and winning the Rose Bowl. That loss is at the piss-soaked hands of super-stud coach, Kirk Ferentz, and the visiting Iowa Hawkeyes. I have no idea how this would even be possible as Iowa will come to Columbus as AT LEAST a 21 point underdog (probably higher) and with a quarterback who has yet to take a snap in college. I agree with EA though that the Fuckeyes will lose a game at some point this season because 25 game winning streaks just don’t happen…not even in the Big Ten. Obviously, they have you guys winning the conference and the bowl game but my question is, if the season were to play out like this, is this an acceptable season? I would say no but I’m smarter than you. I would call that a failure.

Great story but still a lame attempt at humor – By now, we’ve all heard about the young Ohio State fan who has beaten cancer that he called “Michigan”, right? It’s a sweet story and I applaud the kid for beating that shitty disease. Buuuuuuut, you guys are still so juvenile and not funny. It just isn’t humorous which was likely not the intent but I am a comedy perfectionist so it will be judged that way. There are so many better things that you could call your cancer. The Hokester? Jon Navarre? Asians and Homos? Jim Abbott? Lloyd Carr feels appropriate because he sucks the life out of everyone. MIKE FUCKING HART? WE ON! Nope, we’ll just do what we always do and be stupid and unimaginative. One thing is certain though, this kid did not fake his illness like a certain murderer creator that wears a headset on Saturdays and looks like a penis. Good for you, kid, but leave the jokes to the pros like Louie Anderson and Elaine Boosler. Congrats on “beating Michigan”.

That should get us through the day. Nothing beats owning the Fuckeyes. Unrelated but since allergy season is over, I’ve quit using my trusty Zyrtec as of last weekend. I’ve been itching like crazy the last few days (all over the place but the old nutsack seems to be a focal point of my inner-body crabs). I googled what the hell could possibly be wrong with me and there is a chemical in those pills that produce withdrawal symptoms for a week or so after you quit. Basically, I’m walking around scratching myself like a junkie this week. I just need another fix!

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you have to be a special type of mouth-breather to try and pin murder on Meyer and Kraft.

Losing to Iowa would be unacceptable.

Very nice of you to create a post in honor of Urban Meyer's birfday yesterday. Happy Birfday to the guy who has never lost a game as head coach of THE Ohio State University!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Happy birthday, Urb! Your "doctors" didn't think that you would make it this far what with your varying array of awful diseases but you proved them wrong!

I just don't understand why Kraft and Urb feel like they need to address this. Address what? I don't recall anyone blaming Dan Reeves or Jerry Glanville when Deion Sanders released that horrible rap song (worse than murder).

Andrew Bynizzle. WE ON!

Anonymous said...

I must have misread this post, because you didn't really trash OSU. Must be the clamydia.

Inevitably people were going to point fingers at Kraft and Urban. No one can seem to do anything heinous without it being someone elses fault these days. Psychology 101 makes every hack writer and/or parent fucking Freude these days. Just to point out, Iceman pointed out Urbans recruitment here and on facebook. He is the worst.

Nick going up on the block. Kiss Elissas ass goodbye. If not, my BB days will be over tonight!

Ide

Jeff said...

A home loss to Iowa is something Clemson would be capable of. Since they don't play Iowa, Boston College is the likely culprit.

Today IS Thad Matta's birfday. Him and Urb go back to back. NO HOMO!

Grumpy said...

No mention of Urban dropping a dime on Florida, then denying it on Twitter?

GMoney said...

I forgot about that, Grump. Way to be a narc, Urb!

A home loss to Iowa would be comparable to when Jimmy BRAH went in to USC and packed Petey C's rectum as a 42 point dog.

Reminding you all that you suck is trashin'. Ohio Football will always be inferior to Andrew Bynum! Probably Will Bynum, too!

Daniel said...

Unrelated to this post, I was curious if you guys have started setting up your fantasy football drafts? I have talked to a couple buddies of mine and apparently the wheels are in motion.

Dut recently confided in me that he wished someone would take the DFL commissioner duties so he could spend more time on his 'other league.'

GMoney said...

Ide, it was a nice idea to put Nick up but they don't have anyone on their side to vote with them so he should be safe. The catty bitches aren't going to all of a sudden join up with the ones that they talk shit about. And that's fine because even though I like Elissa, it's getting old that she is winning the BBMVP while doing NOTHING to warrant that other than "have a sister". She needs to go. Helen needs to make me some rice.

GMoney said...

Daniel, that is going to be part of tomorrow's post. I promise that this is not a lie. We're going to make some decisions. So start looking at your calendars because tomorrow is go time.

The Iceman said...

URBZ recruits murderers. Never forget.

I think the reason people are holding URBZ somewhat responsible is because the Patriots personally contacted him and asked him if there were any character issues they needed to be worried about and he told them no. Obviously URBZ had no idea exactly how dangerous of a person Hernandez could be. But you can't tell me he didn't see some red flag behaviors out of Hernandez. But we all know honesty is not URBZ strong suit so I don't know why people are so shocked that he lied. Again.

Hanley Ramirez is hitting .464 over the last 22 games. Let's throw him in the All-Star game!!

GMoney said...

Urb didn't tell Billy B about any character issues because Urb doesn't give a shit about character or integrity or not being a transvestite. You're right...URB KILLED THAT GUY!

The SS in the NL are all shitty so I wouldn't have a problem with that at all. GOOD IDEA! Also a two-time All-Star? Andrew Bynum.

Anonymous said...

I guess that if I were perennially a shitty fantasy football player, I'd give up my commissioner duties as well. However, if I am coming into town for this shit show, it will be at Dut's because making a giant mess in his basement is almost as fun as the viruses Ape puts on there from child asian tentacle porn. On that note, can we lock a fuckin' date down so I can make plans. Some of us have to come farther than Grove City. Also, it should be noted that some of us still live in Grove City.

Regarding BB, I have been reading up on that live feed stuff, and it looks like McCrae is defecting from the moving company and voting Nick out. Right now, according to those that watch it, it's pretty equal. As the faggot and women are making another alliance.

Ide

GMoney said...

Grove City is the New York City of Ohio. FACT.

OK. Do not do that. We're not posting spoilers here, asshole.

GMoney said...

By the way, what did everyone think of The Bridge? I liked it although Diane Kruger's Aspergers is going to get old really fast. My favorite part was no one caring about Mexican deaths.

Prime99 said...

Nick needs to be better at lying. Tell Elissa you're not voting her out and save yourself. He needs to our Elissa's "throw the POV comp and you'll be safe" plot to make sure everyone knows she's a liar (like Henry Rollins.)

August 17 I will be at the Peppermill in Reno for my live draft. Planned two months ago. Related: the Pmill offered my band to play 5 fucking nights in a row. Too bad we all have day jobs! Playing music on the casino circuit is going to be great (though only on weekends!)

Mr. Ace said...

Urbz helped him drag the body into the lake. Of course Urbz isn't responsible for murder, but he didn't do anything to develop A-Hern into a decent human being either. And that was seen with a lot of talented kids at Florida during his tenure. Thw arrest records speak for themselves. I am sure he changed his ways after his near death experience and putting his family first.

I saw a couple fuxking on a lifeguard shack last night. They were really disrupting my ultimate sandcastle building.

Prime99 said...

Sandcastle building = jacking it to gay porn

Anonymous said...

Ape is the worst at vacations. FACT!

Ide

GMoney said...

The Cavs and Pistons are clearly the cream of the crop when it comes to the NBA. This has turned into quite an arms race between the two titans. Chauncey Billups AND the Italian League MVP? Dumars you sonofabitch!

Grumpy said...

Not a spoiler, but the BB spoiler sites are buzzing with how your friend Nick might be gay.

Most unlikable cast ever.

GMoney said...

He learned it from watching Ide be a fag daily.

Mr. Ace said...

My vacations are elite. Drunken sandcastle building on the beach, at night, while the tide comes in and the waves are crashing is the best. Although banging in a lifeguard shack probably was a better choice.

That 8 seed is going to be a real barn burner between the Cavs and Pistons.

Ide played tummy sticks with a guy from BB. Strike whike the iron is hot and release your sex tape.

GMoney said...

You might be able to convince Gay Buke, Uncle T, Nephew Dut, and Shook's Son to join you. It would be a voluntary human cenitpede. It would be the worst.

Anonymous said...

Well, is constantly turning down former pageant coordinator Gina Marie grounds for being gay? Aside from Candice, no one on that show screams "I shouldn't be seen in a bikini" more than her. And also, I hope Helen breaks her neck and dies on that show. For some ultra savvy political lobbyist ("we got to increase these polling numbers (get fucked)!"), she spends a fuckton of time crying like a baby. Make some rice indeed.

I kind of hope Nick gets the boot today, actually. I find this show to be awful. It's not that it's a bad premise, but the three episodes a week with literally trivial shit happening is grating. One show for HOH, one show for Veto, one show for eviction. 65% of each show dedicated to the goings ons of retards trying to outsmart each other.

I find myself reading the live feed site regularly and skimming through the show. Voting for evictions is gay. Competing in some challenge for evictions is better.

Maybe it's just the cast, but, even still, the structure of this show is wretched.

Ide

GMoney said...

No one ever said that it was the GOAT. I think that we can all agree that it is fucktarded and the challenges are laughably stupid. But, with the exception of this season, they have has casted really well. I agree that it is tougher to get into this house than the past.

Big Bro is definitely trash TV. Usually they are very good at it. This summer they aren't.

The Iceman said...

What's more trash TV? Big Brother or MTV's The Challenge? Keep stretching that 15 minutes of fame, CT!!

Welcome back Billups. CHAMPIONSHIP!! Bring back the whole crew, Joe D. We already have 2 of the 5!!

GMoney said...

Hopefully, Dumars will trade Billups for Allen Iverson again.

Grumpy said...

He'll have to send Iverson bus fare.