|Thanks for coming, Coach, but could you not smile? You're scaring the cancer kids.|
Urban Meyer did NOT kill Odin Lloyd – I have no idea why he even felt the need to address this garbage but he did anyway. When a fucking idiot like Tim May calls, you always answer! So a few geniuses have written awful columns about how Urb should feel responsible for Aaron Hernandez’s Charles Bronson impression. Sure, his players had zero discipline or consequences for their actions at Florida but this is so lazy even for the lame-stream media. If anything, had Urban kicked him off the Gators, he probably would have become a serial killer sooner. I don’t understand why Meyer wanted to be put on the record but he did and now we’re all left wondering what good it did. I am an intelligent man and not one of his ham-fisted, mouth-breathing supporters and even I won’t be so dumb as to blame him for Odin Lloyd’s death. Same thing with Robert Kraft—why do you feel “duped” exactly? How was it ever possible for a football team to judge someone’s murdering ability? Is that what the Wonderlic test is for? On a lighter note, this Hernandez case continues to be fascinating. I’m a big fan of his lawyer looking like an even fatter version of Peter King.
EA Sports says no undefeated season – Not that it matters all that much, but EA’s simulation of the Ohio season has them going 13-1 and winning the Rose Bowl. That loss is at the piss-soaked hands of super-stud coach, Kirk Ferentz, and the visiting Iowa Hawkeyes. I have no idea how this would even be possible as Iowa will come to Columbus as AT LEAST a 21 point underdog (probably higher) and with a quarterback who has yet to take a snap in college. I agree with EA though that the Fuckeyes will lose a game at some point this season because 25 game winning streaks just don’t happen…not even in the Big Ten. Obviously, they have you guys winning the conference and the bowl game but my question is, if the season were to play out like this, is this an acceptable season? I would say no but I’m smarter than you. I would call that a failure.
Great story but still a lame attempt at humor – By now, we’ve all heard about the young Ohio State fan who has beaten cancer that he called “Michigan”, right? It’s a sweet story and I applaud the kid for beating that shitty disease. Buuuuuuut, you guys are still so juvenile and not funny. It just isn’t humorous which was likely not the intent but I am a comedy perfectionist so it will be judged that way. There are so many better things that you could call your cancer. The Hokester? Jon Navarre? Asians and Homos? Jim Abbott? Lloyd Carr feels appropriate because he sucks the life out of everyone. MIKE FUCKING HART? WE ON! Nope, we’ll just do what we always do and be stupid and unimaginative. One thing is certain though, this kid did not fake his illness like a certain murderer creator that wears a headset on Saturdays and looks like a penis. Good for you, kid, but leave the jokes to the pros like Louie Anderson and Elaine Boosler. Congrats on “beating Michigan”.
That should get us through the day. Nothing beats owning the Fuckeyes. Unrelated but since allergy season is over, I’ve quit using my trusty Zyrtec as of last weekend. I’ve been itching like crazy the last few days (all over the place but the old nutsack seems to be a focal point of my inner-body crabs). I googled what the hell could possibly be wrong with me and there is a chemical in those pills that produce withdrawal symptoms for a week or so after you quit. Basically, I’m walking around scratching myself like a junkie this week. I just need another fix!