Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Thick, Lustrous Hair Is Very Important To Me

^^^Scored so much ass^^^
I’m not going to lie: I am a big fan of this post. If you can read (not a certainty), this should bring up some ELITE memories from your childhood. I won’t mention any names because they already live with the shame, but not all of us are blessed with cooperative hair follicles these days. That’s fine. I’m sure that you make up for it in other ways (like being an asshole to everyone). You weren’t always sticking your dome in the Shine-O Ball-O though. At one point you had hair. And I am willing to bet that at some point in our lives, we all were blessed with a terrible haircut. Today, we will take a stroll down memory lane and analyze all of those ELITE hair styles from our youths and laugh at the absurdity. Keep in mind, at some time in my 32 years of existence, I have worn all of the styles listed below.

The reason for today’s post is because my nephews constantly have hairdos that piss me off and I always complain about them to the missus. The one time that I saw them with the dreaded “Bama Bangs” was the last straw. I nearly shaved their heads while they slept. That hair style sucks SO MUCH and is ruining America.

Unfortunately, I was never permitted to grow a mullet or showcase a terrific rat tail. The rat tail might be the greatest hair style ever invented for comedic purposes. If you had a rat tail at some point in your life, hold your head up high today and share it with us in the comments. I am positive that you got laid daily even if you were 6. I also never got to rock the “neg burns” or “Cool Cut” as it was referred to at Central Middle School (Home of The Snake Pit!). I haven’t seen Nathan Miller in a few years but when I do again, I will make fun of the Cool Cut that he had 20+ years ago. I’m a real hit at parties. Let’s get started.

The Flat Top – Ah yes, the old Johnny U ‘do. This was a haircut that you could set your watch to, eh, Abe Simpson? I used to go to a barber who was a veteran so this is probably all that he knew how to do with hair. I can only imagine how absurd I would look today with a flat top.

The Spike – I feel like this was my go-to style throughout elementary school. I don’t know why exactly. 8 year olds who look like they just jammed a paper clip into an outlet is not a good look.

Cat Scratches – NOW WE’RE TALKING! Who didn’t demand cat scratches when they were young? Terrorists—that’s who! Man, these were sweet. You could get by with two but the cool kids had three. Three was key. Any more than three and you were a show-off and it looked tacky. Black dudes tend to still give themselves cat scratches and I am jealous of them so very much.

The Bull/Bowl Cut – I don’t exactly know what it’s called but you all remember what it is as it was probably THEE most popular hair style of the early 90’s at middle schools. It always looked terrible. Shave two or three inches on the side and do very little to the top! DO NOT BLEND IT IN, DAMMIT! My guess is that 99% of Kitty Cat basketball had a bull cut. Even the officials. This style will NEVER be popular again.

Numeral Shavings – To go along with the horrible bull cut look, occasionally you would see guys with things shaved into the back of their head. Ugh, this happened to me, too. Damman, Hoffman, The Convicted Felon, and myself were playing in a 3 on 3 basketball tournament at The University of Toledo in Savage Hall and we all decided to shave our numbers into our skulls. This was SO DUMB. It’s probably why one of us went on to a life of dealing drugs. He just couldn’t get over having that number shaved into his head. A bull cut with the number 4 shaved in my head…I am the worst.

The Hardened Part – Thank God that I eventually got over my love of shitty haircuts and went for a normal look. By normal, I mean 90’s normal, which was an extreme side part held in place by 4 gallons of hair gel. Jimmy Johnson was jealous of the mega strong hold in my part. I went through a thing of gel every week.

The Surfer Dude – In high school, I decided that I wanted to grow my hair out which meant a center part and hair falling down around my ears on both sides. It looked TERRIBLE. My stupid hair looked like the roof of a church steeple. After a freshmen basketball game, my mom told me that we were going to get my hair cut because my dad was tired of me looking like an asshole out there during my 4 minutes of burn. I was pissed at the time but he was TOTES right. That was a fucktarded decision by teenage me. To be fair though, that longer hair really hid my forehead acne. I feel like Iceman rocked this look for a long time because he sucks.

The BRAH – We have reached the conclusion of this post with my favorite hair style: The BRAH. I did this in college my Senior year and it was awesome. I didn’t get my haircut at all that year and just let it grow. Since I wore a hat all the time, I developed some ELITE wings around my ears and the back started to curl up as well. It was awesome. It really worked well with my beard. I looked like such a rapist. I loved it. I was so hairy. I pretty much resembled a chunky Jesus. My mom made me cut it for graduation and that was a sad day. Now, I can’t go three weeks without being annoyed by how long my hair is getting. Aging sucks.

And that leads us to the present where I am in the business world and have settled on the haircut that I will probably get every month until the day that I die: “1 on the sides, blend it in, and finger length up top”. So disappointing. But I think that we can have some fun today laughing at ourselves and especially at others. I would give my left nut to find out that Dut had a rat tail.


Anonymous said...

The bowl cut is indeed the worst. I'd kill a bum to see Grumpy


MUDawgfan said...

Embarrassing MUDawg memory:

For 7-8th grade football, I had my barber simply shave it off and give me a buzz cut.

The reason being: I could then justify wearing a bandana under my helmet so I could look like the meanest fucker in town. Instead I looked like a chubby and gay Lyle Alzado.

I wish they had "Sports Clips" around when I was a kid. The best part of my month is when I leave and get a haircut during lunch at work. Watch sports, have some white trash hottie rub your neck. Hot towel massage. It's so clutch.

Makes supercuts seem worthless.

GMoney said...

chubby and gay Lyle Alzado--should be your fantasy football team name this year

My favorite part about SportClips is that most of the time they don't talk to you. I hate that.

Anonymous said...

I rocked the buzz for most the childhood with the two then the three cat screatches in fif grade. I rocked a mean fade/spike in high school.

Bowl cuts were mainly soccer players. And all soccer players are faggots. End of story.


Anonymous said...

White walls. I had to get my hair cut on a military base, One time I got some oriental barber and all he could say was "crew cut?" My brother saved me that day because I had no idea what the dude was talking about and just nodded affirmative.

White walls were when they took the close clippers/razor and gave you a nice white wall all around your ear. Got to rock those regularly because my dad was military.

GMoney said...

Bowl cuts were for ALL in NWO. Although I stand by our hillbilly asses call them bull cuts because we weren't intelligent.

The military man barber doesn't have many tricks in his bag, does he?

Grumpy said...

In high school I wanted duck tails like the greasers sported. My parents quashed that idea. Most of my elementary and Jr. Hi days I sported a crew cut with the front spiked up with butch wax.

Mr. Ace said...

I rocked the bowl cut/buzz cut for most of my youth. That's what happens when the Good's are your role models growing up.

I was also a fan of the highlights/bleach throughout high school. Not really sure how it happened. But every summer I rocked the blonde highlights. The ladies loved it.

In high school there was an obsession with mullets. I had a buddy grow out his hair to cut it into an "Ape Drape" right before baseball season. Then after the first practice the coach made him cut it.

Anonymous said...

Great post... exact opposite of what I enjoy talking about, considering I currently rock the skin colored yamaka.

Definitely rocked the flat top, fade, and buzz cut growing up. I also think I had the part down the middle for a year or two as well.

J definitely was king of the bull/bowl cut growing up.


Jeff said...

Totally rocked the bull cut until high school. That shit was a pain in the ass under a football helmet though.

Prime99 said...

I'm pretty sure I rocked the 3 cat scratches look consistently at West Is Best, then went on to a beautiful bowl cut. Until high school basketball that is, where the official haircut was number 2 on the sides fade. Very boring.

Ape Drapes sounds very dirty coming from Ape.

Anonymous said...

I mean... I have thinning hair, but it's very slow of Slow Seal to not have completely shaved that shit he has on his head.


GMoney said...

I fucking hate little kids with mohawks. That's just terrible parenting. The only people that should have mohawks are badass MLBs; not a bed wetter.

Rune once sported a "hawkmo" for a day before Walt made him shave his head. That means that he just shaved a strip down the center of his head and left the rest. It is the best look I've ever seen.

Ape highlighted his weave. That sounds about right. That explains a lot.

GMoney said...

I am starting to get a little concerned that this site leads to male pattern baldness.

Mr. Ace said...

I am not okay with my receding hairline or thinning hair. However, I refuse to do Rogaine because I swear studies will come out years from now about it producing tard babies. Shits just not natural. I will admit to trying caffeine enriched shampoo because it supposedly stimulates hair growth. NOT!!! Motherfuckers. Baldness is a sign of virility though...okay that's not true either. Fuck. Money Shot should get sponsored by Bosley.

I saw some guy downtown with a Drew Gooden, but it was in 3 corn rows instead of just a patch. That guy never has a bad day.

GMoney said...

While I would love to get Bosley or Sy Sperling from Hair Club For Men on as a sponsor, it wouldn't be fair to our current endorsement of Rat Tails Unlimited. You can see the conundrum.

Brady said...

My worst style was the really straight part that was off center. I saw a picture of myself from middle school the other day and about died. I remember standing in front of the mirror trying over and over to get the part even MORE STRAIGHT! Let me tell you, there was nothing straight about doing that.

The legend of Ryan Raburn continues...

MUfan said...

Born in 1971, so most of my youth was spent trying to emulate Luke Skywalker's "feathered" look.

By high school (85-89), I was rocking the full-blown mullet, complete with permed hair in the back.

When I was 20, I visited my Army Ranger brother and we both went and got "high & tights". Like G$ said, the military barber doesn't have much variety.

As a 42 year old man, I pay a former high school classmate (who is a very hot 42-yr old MILF) to cut my remaining hair every 3 weeks. She also waxes my eyebrows and ears (yes, getting old sucks). However, we always talk sex during the haircut, and last week even, she sexted me a couple nude pics when she was drunk. ELITE.

Mr. Ace said...

Slow clap for MUfan.

The Iceman said...

My mother is a licensed hair cutter so it's hard to explain why all of my haircuts in the past were dreadful. Maybe because I was a kid and kids are dumb. One summer I had what Crazy Amanda Bynes seems to be rocking now, except not as long. I parted my hair on the side and insisted my mom shave the smaller portion completely off my head. If pictures ever surface I promise I will post them. That was rock bottom for me.

I was always partial to the surfer dude in high school. I even shaved my hair underneath the surfer part for extra floppiness. Once I got to college I got wise and started getting the look I go with now. During my punk rock band days I started experimenting with dyes and LEMPH. At one point I had hair almost down to my shoulders and at another point dyed my hair to look like leopard spots. Bleach blonde and black. Also went totally goth black at one point a fully bleach blonde during another.

In Junior high I took number shaving to a whole new level when I instructed my mother to shave "DUMARS" in the back of my head. It was not nearly as popular as I assumed it would be.

Basically what I'm saying is that I'm pretty sure I take home the gold for worst hair cuts over an extended period of time.

Anonymous said...

So, Ape doesn't use Rogaine out of fear....just like his fear of diet pop. LOLZ....what a dumb Fuck he is.


Anonymous said...

"In Junior high I took number shaving to a whole new level when I instr"

Did you check that to make sure she didn't just shave dumbass into your hair?

GMoney said...

I hope that MUFan is single. I have the same relationship with Damman's sister. ZING!

LOLOLOLOLOL! Ape may be dumb but at least he didn't shave DUMARS into his skull. I did not know that. I wish I knew that back then. I would have intentionally fouled you so hard during one of those instant classic St. Paul 2/Cavs games.

The weird hair that sprouts from the side of ears is one of the many horrible aspects of again. They are like body weeds.

GMoney said...

aging, not again...but it probably was DUMBASS

Tonya said...

"My mom made me cut it for graduation and that was a sad day."

My only question here is: Why did your mother have this much control over you as a Senior in college? Other than that, amazing post.

GMoney said...

Eh, she didn't want to take pictures with a homeless guy. To be fair, I did look like a vagrant. "Made" was probably not the right word.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, I was joking you tardbilly. I don't use rogaine because natural selection. This scalp has been millions of years in the making, who am I to change that?

I knew Ice would have some gems. If you were in a band then you almost certainly had some terrible hair.

MUfan said...

Yes, the MILF and I are both divorced. I meant to mention that but forgot to.

She used to just trim my ear hair (both inside and on the lobe), but now she just waxes it.

Also forgot to mention that MUDawgfan's Lyle Alzado comment is stellar.

The Iceman said...

What's even better is that my mom shaved "THOMAS" into my brother's hair skull while I was rocking "DUMARS". To be fair, I wanted "LAIMBEER" but that was just too many letters.

As many bad haircuts as I've had, I never requested the "Vanilla Ice". Something my older brother most certainly did when he was a freshman in high school.

And since I can read and also owned mirrors...I was 100% certain it didn't say "DUMBASS", anon. But I wouldn't have blamed her if she had put that instead.

GMoney said...

I would have went for the FENNIS DENBO head shave.

Just sayin', a salon chair could be used as an excellent place to bone...

I really hope that Goth Iceman shows up to the wedding next weekend.

The Iceman said...

I shoulda went Kelly Tripuka to rep the whities...but that would also be repping Notre Dame. And fuck that.

Prime99 said...

Ice, bring back the DUMARS cut for your wedding. No better way to show your true love.

The Iceman said...

Brayan Villarreal was traded to the Red Sox today?? Wheelz sister is gonna be heart broken...she's been dating that dude for the last month. I guess she's a sucker for rotten pitchers.

GMoney said...

She can always get violated by Stink Schlereth's boy!