I won't tell you how long this took.....okay, it was 2 hours.
So a couple of week ago something odd, yet fucking awesome happened. You guys probably didn't know this about me but I'm a candy addict. Candy for me is black tar heroin for a hard narcotics junkie and it's why I can't fully shed these luscious man tits. It's my gift and my curse. I'm not sure how man tits are a gift...I just like using that phrase. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I decided to have a late night session with a Butterfinger and tweeted about how sexually amazing it was. The next 30 minutes sparked a heated candy debate between myself, Ace, my brother Jordan and a few others.
Then the wheels started turning. We needed resolution to this debate. We needed to find the most dominate candy and the only way I knew how was tournament style in the same manner college basketball crowns a champion. Now, you're probably all thinking..."There's no way in fucking hell Iceman really took the time to map out a field of 64 on a blank bracket he printed from the Internet with candy seedings and everything." Prepare yourselves, because that's precisely what I did. It took fucking forever but when it was all over it was probably the most fun I've had writing any blog entry. So here's what I did.
I split the candy into 4 categories. Hard Candy, Chewy Candy, Chocolate with Peanut Butter/Nuts and Miscellaneous Chocolate. Then I took the 16 best candies from each category and properly seeded them 1 through 16. There was a random draw to see who was placed in each bracket in order to keep things as fair as possible. That way each candy had to show up with their "A" game for every contest. You couldn't just throw your wrapper on the court and expect some mid major like Lemonheads to lay down like a dead fish. Whoever was the best candy won the match up. Simple as that. I won't break down every single match up in every single bracket. I'll just paste the picture of each region and give highlights of how it went down.
The big upset in this bracket was 3 Musketeers over Fun Dip. An even bigger upset was how I misspelled 3 Musketeers on the bracket sheet. Dumb shit. Fun Dip is a huge staple in the prison rape world so I was shocked it was first rounded with almost no fight. No surprise here that Zagnut was the 16 seed. A candy that people know only because of it's cameo in Beetlejuice was never going to be a promising tourney team. Take 5 making the Final Four shouldn't be as surprising as it looks on paper even though Starbursts did give them a 2nd round scare. Take 5 was overshadowed all year by the power teams like Snickers Peanut Butter and Butterfinger...always favorites to win that conference. Milky Way losing in the Sweet 16 to Gobstopper shouldn't come as a huge surprise. Milky Way played a weak non conference and when it came down to it, how satisfying is just chocolate and caramel? Their one dimensional style of play finally caught up to them.
Reese Cups benefited from the luxury of playing in a power conference with a fierce non conference schedule during the season and will represent the West bracket. The fact that they have a coach with a championship pedigree with several upperclassmen returning from last year's Final Four squad really showed up on the court en route to knocking off a deep, talented Butterfinger team. As an encore they edged out arguably the most talented team in this tournament the very next round when they beat Twix in triple OT. Nerds just was not prepared for this tournament and it showed by dropping a first round heart breaker to a Mounds team made of dark chocolate and coconut. Sad end to a disappointing season for Nerds. The two teams from the Heads state (Airheads and Warheads) were both complete duds as expected, validating the questions of why they were even seeded in this tournament.
Good and Plenty made tournament history twice this year. First for being the first candy almost universally hated by everyone to make the round of 64. And second for losing their first round game by the largest margin in tournament history. That's what you get for being the nastiest candy on the planet, I suppose. Swedish Fish really took advantage of some of the easier match ups in this tournament and punched their ticket to the ELITE 8. And they were yet another team this committee managed to misspell. Fuck me in the goat ass. Pay Day was heralded as a sleeper pick by nearly everyone going into this tournament but ran into a buzz-saw in the form of a determined Pretzel M&M squad that can score it on the offensive end and really clamp down on defense. We really expected more out of Snickers in this tournament. They were just the unlucky recipient of a tough draw.
This was by far the most brutal region of this tournament. So many familiar faces and former champions littered throughout. Sour Patch Kids surprised a few people by making it to the Sweet 16. Making the roof of people's mouth raw like road rash is ultimately what did this highly UNDERRATED team in. Twizzlers was a bust team in almost everyone's bracket this year but they quieted most of their critics by making a solid run into the ELITE 8. They may never win a title but they did a lot to repair their reputation with this year's tournament run. Tootsie and Blow Pops merging schools did nothing to help their cause this year, as expected. Just not enough talent on either team when they combined. Snickers PB, the number one overall tournament seed, advancing to the Final 4 was expected although no one expected them to struggle against Twix Peanut Butter the way they did. It took four late game free throws to ice it in the end. Look for this Twix PB team to make an even deeper run next year if they can convince their highly sought after Freshman to return for his Sophomore year.
Pretzel M&M vs. Snickers Peanut Butter
People said there was a chance it could happen. Snickers PB had a tendency all year to fall asleep during stretches of big games with the idea they could turn it on when it mattered. It finally caught up to them at the worst possible moment. Pretzel M&M played an almost perfect game with sound fundamentals throughout. A perfect combination of salty and sweet was the difference in the end.
Take 5 vs. Reese Cups
Despite being the higher seed, most thought this young Take 5 team would struggle against such an experienced Reese Cups team. The bright lights of the big stage seemed to take control of the younger, more inexperienced Take 5 squad from the opening tip. Take 5 went down double digits early and were never able to recover. In the end, Reese Cups was able to run their peanut butter and chocolate offense with methodical brilliance and impressive ease.
It was widely thought that Reese Cups was unfairly seeded as a 6 seed. It seemed they were penalized not because of what they did as a team, but because of the excitement building around the other promising teams in their conference. People sort of forgot about Reese Cups and it appeared they preferred it that way by always playing each game with a noticeable chip on their shoulder. Pretzel M&M put forth a heroic effort in this tight championship match but in the end simple, delicious and original will almost always win out. Congratulations to our 2013 Candy Tournament Champion, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
So there it is. Our official candy champion. Going into this tournament I was the same as all the others. I never gave Reese's Cups a shot. But just like in the NCAA tournament, it all comes down to seeding and Reese's had some very favorable match ups. But let's not take anything away from the Cups because they are a deserving champion. They're simple, delicious and I cannot remember a single time in my entire life I've ever turned down a Reese Cup when given the chance to eat one. That was huge for me. So what do you guys think? Fair? Unfair? Snubs? Seeding issues? Do I have too much fucking time on my hands? Let the debate begin while I continue on my path to eventual diabetes.