Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Road to the Candy Final Four

I won't tell you how long this took.....okay, it was 2 hours.

So a couple of week ago something odd, yet fucking awesome happened.  You guys probably didn't know this about me but I'm a candy addict.  Candy for me is black tar heroin for a hard narcotics junkie and it's why I can't fully shed these luscious man tits.  It's my gift and my curse.  I'm not sure how man tits are a gift...I just like using that phrase.  Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I decided to have a late night session with a Butterfinger and tweeted about how sexually amazing it was.  The next 30 minutes sparked a heated candy debate between myself, Ace, my brother Jordan and a few others.

Then the wheels started turning.  We needed resolution to this debate.  We needed to find the most dominate candy and the only way I knew how was tournament style in the same manner college basketball crowns a champion.  Now, you're probably all thinking..."There's no way in fucking hell Iceman really took the time to map out a field of 64 on a blank bracket he printed from the Internet with candy seedings and everything."  Prepare yourselves, because that's precisely what I did.  It took fucking forever but when it was all over it was probably the most fun I've had writing any blog entry.  So here's what I did.

I split the candy into 4 categories.  Hard Candy, Chewy Candy, Chocolate with Peanut Butter/Nuts and Miscellaneous Chocolate.  Then I took the 16 best candies from each category and properly seeded them 1 through 16.  There was a random draw to see who was placed in each bracket in order to keep things as fair as possible.  That way each candy had to show up with their "A" game for every contest.  You couldn't just throw your wrapper on the court and expect some mid major like Lemonheads to lay down like a dead fish.  Whoever was the best candy won the match up.  Simple as that.  I won't break down every single match up in every single bracket.  I'll just paste the picture of each region and give highlights of how it went down.

Midwest Region

The big upset in this bracket was 3 Musketeers over Fun Dip.  An even bigger upset was how I misspelled 3 Musketeers on the bracket sheet.  Dumb shit.  Fun Dip is a huge staple in the prison rape world so I was shocked it was first rounded with almost no fight.  No surprise here that Zagnut was the 16 seed.  A candy that people know only because of it's cameo in Beetlejuice was never going to be a promising tourney team.  Take 5 making the Final Four shouldn't be as surprising as it looks on paper even though Starbursts did give them a 2nd round scare.  Take 5 was overshadowed all year by the power teams like Snickers Peanut Butter and Butterfinger...always favorites to win that conference.  Milky Way losing in the Sweet 16 to Gobstopper shouldn't come as a huge surprise.  Milky Way played a weak non conference and when it came down to it, how satisfying is just chocolate and caramel?  Their one dimensional style of play finally caught up to them.

West Region

Reese Cups benefited from the luxury of playing in a power conference with a fierce non conference schedule during the season and will represent the West bracket.  The fact that they have a coach with a championship pedigree with several upperclassmen returning from last year's Final Four squad really showed up on the court en route to knocking off a deep, talented Butterfinger team.  As an encore they edged out arguably the most talented team in this tournament the very next round when they beat Twix in triple OT.  Nerds just was not prepared for this tournament and it showed by dropping a first round heart breaker to a Mounds team made of dark chocolate and coconut.  Sad end to a disappointing season for Nerds.  The two teams from the Heads state (Airheads and Warheads) were both complete duds as expected, validating the questions of why they were even seeded in this tournament.

South Region

Good and Plenty made tournament history twice this year.  First for being the first candy almost universally hated by everyone to make the round of 64.  And second for losing their first round game by the largest margin in tournament history.  That's what you get for being the nastiest candy on the planet, I suppose.  Swedish Fish really took advantage of some of the easier match ups in this tournament and punched their ticket to the ELITE 8.  And they were yet another team this committee managed to misspell.  Fuck me in the goat ass.  Pay Day was heralded as a sleeper pick by nearly everyone going into this tournament but ran into a buzz-saw in the form of a determined Pretzel M&M squad that can score it on the offensive end and really clamp down on defense.  We really expected more out of Snickers in this tournament.  They were just the unlucky recipient of a tough draw.

East Region

This was by far the most brutal region of this tournament.  So many familiar faces and former champions littered throughout.  Sour Patch Kids surprised a few people by making it to the Sweet 16.  Making the roof of people's mouth raw like road rash is ultimately what did this highly UNDERRATED team in.  Twizzlers was a bust team in almost everyone's bracket this year but they quieted most of their critics by making a solid run into the ELITE 8.  They may never win a title but they did a lot to repair their reputation with this year's tournament run.  Tootsie and Blow Pops merging schools did nothing to help their cause this year, as expected.  Just not enough talent on either team when they combined.  Snickers PB, the number one overall tournament seed, advancing to the Final 4 was expected although no one expected them to struggle against Twix Peanut Butter the way they did.  It took four late game free throws to ice it in the end.  Look for this Twix PB team to make an even deeper run next year if they can convince their highly sought after Freshman to return for his Sophomore year.

Final Four

Pretzel M&M vs. Snickers Peanut Butter
People said there was a chance it could happen.  Snickers PB had a tendency all year to fall asleep during stretches of big games with the idea they could turn it on when it mattered.  It finally caught up to them at the worst possible moment.  Pretzel M&M played an almost perfect game with sound fundamentals throughout.  A perfect combination of salty and sweet was the difference in the end.

Take 5 vs. Reese Cups
Despite being the higher seed, most thought this young Take 5 team would struggle against such an experienced Reese Cups team.  The bright lights of the big stage seemed to take control of the younger, more inexperienced Take 5 squad from the opening tip.  Take 5 went down double digits early and were never able to recover.  In the end, Reese Cups was able to run their peanut butter and chocolate offense with methodical brilliance and impressive ease.

It was widely thought that Reese Cups was unfairly seeded as a 6 seed.  It seemed they were penalized not because of what they did as a team, but because of the excitement building around the other promising teams in their conference.  People sort of forgot about Reese Cups and it appeared they preferred it that way by always playing each game with a noticeable chip on their shoulder.  Pretzel M&M put forth a heroic effort in this tight championship match but in the end simple, delicious and original will almost always win out.  Congratulations to our 2013 Candy Tournament Champion, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

So there it is.  Our official candy champion.  Going into this tournament I was the same as all the others.  I never gave Reese's Cups a shot.  But just like in the NCAA tournament, it all comes down to seeding and Reese's had some very favorable match ups.  But let's not take anything away from the Cups because they are a deserving champion.  They're simple, delicious and I cannot remember a single time in my entire life I've ever turned down a Reese Cup when given the chance to eat one.  That was huge for me.  So what do you guys think?  Fair?  Unfair?  Snubs?  Seeding issues?  Do I have too much fucking time on my hands?  Let the debate begin while I continue on my path to eventual diabetes.


Anonymous said...

I dont have the words. Well done.

Pretzel M&Ms are tits as are swedish fish. Having said that, I don't really eat sweets and haven't had a candy bar in about 15 years.

Laffy Taffy bowing out in the first is fucking criminal though.


Grumpy said...

I can't decide if this is the most brilliant piece ever written or the dumbest.

GMoney said...


Take 5 suck. There is no way that they could defeat the far superior Starburst AND Skittles in back to back games. This is FIXED!

You have three different M&M's but I do not see the FAR superior peanut butter M&M's. Unless they are there in which case I am blind.

Where are Goobers? What asshole actually has ANY respect for Almond Joy and Mounds in spite of those being the two worst candy bars of all time (actually Bit-O-Honey will always hold that distinction).

You are just a shill for the Reese's corporation. You were bought. Everyone knows that Payday was robbed.

Grumpy said...

Though long discontinued, the cult favorite Cherry Hump should have gotten a spot in the field. What happened to the play-in games?

Anonymous said...

Skittles and Starbursts were robbed. I blame Trayvon for the former.


GMoney said...

I can't believe that Wheelz is marrying someone who can't even spell Swedish.

Jelly Beans vs. Werther's was the late game on TruTV and no one watched a second of it.

I've seen ads for Girl Scout Nestle Crunch bars. All the YES's in the world please.

Marshawn Lynch is going to run over Iceman for disrespecting Skittles like that.

I don't really eat sweets and haven't had a candy bar in about 15 years.

You knew that some asshole was going to announce this despite no one caring. Hearing it from Ide's finger tips is very fitting.

Mr. Ace said...

Snickers PB can't lose. Its just impossible. They are the fucking dreamteam.

My two darkhorses, Charleston Chew and Watchamacalit, went down in thw first round? Unacceptable.

PB M&Ms are totes better than pretzel. And Reeses PB Easter eggs are the finest candies ever made.

Definitely a solid food post.

Anonymous said...

The committee will try to address all of your questions.

Leaving out Peanut Butter M&Ms was a massive snub. You're right. Seth Greenburg is livid right now and Dicky V is about to shit blood. They belonged in this tournament.

What ultimate did Laffy Taffey in was the erratic play of their freshman point guard, Banana Flavor. He's considered OVERRATED by many and deservedly so. It's too bad Banana had to ruin it because Grape Laffy Taffy is one of the best players in this country and certainly worthy of an NBA lottery pick.

Starburst went out easier than you think, G$. Having to unwrap each individual piece was a huge disadvantage for them in this tournament. Simplicity is where it's at. And including lemon flavored anything was almost a certain tournament exit. Lemon flavored candy might as well be ear wax flavored. Or stale urine flavored. Skittles gave more of a fight but it was the weak bench of lemon flavored that eventually was their demise. Even eating lemon and lime together for white trash Sprite Skittles couldn't save this team.

I didn't include Cherry Humps for the same reason Texas Western isn't considered for the NCAA tournament. They don't exist. And it sounds like only black people like them...same goes for anything black licorice flavored. We're still trying to figure out how Good and Plenty greased their way in. That spot should've been for Boston Baked Beans.

This tournament doesn't have play in games because we don't care about people's feelings. If you're not a top 64 candy then start tasting better.

Almond Joy and Mounds are highly UNDERRATED squads that deserve your respect.

Goobers are division II and don't belong in this tournament. Same goes for Raisinettes.

GMoney said...

Can we all agree that the goo inside Cadbury creme eggs is horse spunk? Quite delicious though.

Peeps are fucking terrible if we're talking about Easter candy which I just did.

Anonymous said...

The Reese Eggs were included with the Cups. They get a portion of this title since Eggs are the exact same ingredients but just shaped differently. It's also why Snickers Bites and Fun Sized Butterfinger weren't included. Same shit, different size. And there's nothing fun about those sizes. Hey! Why don't you unwrap 10 of these in order to eat a full sized candy bar! How fucking fun was that?!?

Agree about Jelly Beans and Werthers. Jelly Beans can be awesome if you catch them at the right time. But one bad jelly bean can ruin that experience forever. Werthers are good every once in awhile but just like Harvard's basketball team, they are for old people who hate kids and want them to stay as far away as possible.

What can I say Ace? Chuck Chew and Whatchamacallit just didn't come to play.

Grumpy said...

Werthers are vastly underrated and made in Ohio.

Jeff said...

"Werthers are vastly underrated and made in Ohio"

Pretty sure those were Jerry Sandusky's luring devices.

Anonymous said...

Werthers aren't bad, but they do warrant every stereotype given to them. Didn't know they were made in Ohio, though.

Caramel > Peanut Butter. This is true. Also, peanut butter was invented by a shine.

Good point about the lemon Starburst and Skittles, I throw them away. Lemon anything is pretty much guaranteed to be discarded. Lemonheads were an anomaly in the lemon candy dept.

I mentioned that I haven't had a candy bar in forever, to keep it in theme, to indicate that I am the woman who fills out the bracket every year based on the team name or color of their uniforms. However, those goddamned people seem to dominate first rounds. So there's that.

Banana Laffy Taffys are pretty meh, however, unlike Skittles or Starburst, you don't have to play the whole team, you can play them one on one, meaning that banana is the slow fat kid who gets picked last.


Prime99 said...

I used to not enjoy Mounds and Almond Joy, but I was wrong. Those are DELICIOUS candy bars!

Reece's Cups are a very solid champion, but I do agree with G$ about PB M&M's- they could've been a contender.

Anonymous said...

Too much chocolate in the final four... I feel like I have said that before.

Who got picked to play one of the games on the big screen at the Tribe game last night? This guy. (Almost as cool as Damman's seat upgrades and watching him awkwardly wave to the crowd on the big screen for 45 seconds.) Of course I won. Then Giambino hit a walk off - fucking awesome night at the Tribe game.


Mr. Ace said...

Oh no, the Reeses eggs have at least twice the PB to chocolate ratio to the original. Great candy.

Caramel>Peanut butter? #shitdrewwouldsay That's the dumbest thing ever.

I said this on Twitter, but Cookies n Cream Twix is fucking great. At least it was 10 years ago the last time I had it.

Anonymous said...

"Too much chocolate in the final four... I feel like I have said that before."

Tremendous. Just tremendous.

GMoney said...

"Too much chocolate in the final four... I feel like I have said that before."

He didn't go to Adolph Rupp's school for nothing, folks! This is why Seal will always be better than Drew.

What "game" did you play and what was the prize for winning? I assume that it was a Biggest Homo Contest.

Caramel is most definitely delicious but it is no peanut butter. Caramello is terrific. By the way, it is CARamel not CARE-amel, rubes.

Who eats Starburst and Skittles one at a time? You can cover that Lemon Pledge taste easily if you shovel in 3-4 bursts and a handful of Skittles.

True story: I went to the store with my stupid wife on Saturday because I wanted to see for myself that they still carry Tombstone Garlic Bread Pizza (they do which makes my wife a liar and those things are ELITE...I got two). We went down the candy aisle and I very loudly said "Who the fuck eats Mounds"? And then I grabbed a bag of Goobers because chocolate covered peanuts and way better than chocolate covered penis. COOL STORY BRO!

Anonymous said...

If you have someone working for your company that suggests making a lemon flavored candy and you have a second person that thinks it's such a great idea that they do it then you lose credibility points with me. Lemon flavors should never exist. I imagine Steelers fans like lemon flavored things because the wrapper matches the piss yellow of their favorite team's uniform.

Coconut in candy is UNDERRATED and very tasty.

Ide has to be the only one who thinks Carmel is better than peanut butter.

Anonymous said...

It's a hell of a debate for sure, but you'd have to go past just candy. Think desserts. Im not big on sweets but I will go HAM on some ice cream. Salty Caramel ice cream (from Jenis or wherever) will always be better than anything with peanut butter. TRUF.

There is a milkshake here in NYC that has vanilla ice cream, waffles, caramel and candied bacon. That's end game shit right there. Peanut butter and bacon is wrong and Elvis died for it.

Iceman is dead on with lemon candy. And, the visual I have of G$ sitting there unwrapping every Starburst in the package to mix and match massive globs (3-4, holy fuck!) that he probably semi melts down in his hands is TOTES LOLZ.

Almond Joy was shit, but Mounds wasn't so bad. I only ate them come Halloween though, for what that's worth.


GMoney said...

Oh yeah, a self-made Starburst wad of Big League Chew is a fine treat. It's like a suicide sno-cone of taffy.

GMoney said...

Looks like some commenters could use a little afternoon sugar rush.

This post also reminds me of the classic Seinfled Twix episode. Moe? Saul? Lem? Short name, big liar!

Prime99 said...

I eat my Snickers with a fork and knife.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Burke could make a bracket on what candy works the best for attracting little boys.

I bet they DON'T get in the van for anything with caramel.


Mr. Ace said...

I'm just happy candy corn didn't get in.

Anonymous said...

Candy corn was never even considered. Same goes for salt water taffy. Only fucking savages eat those.

I think this might break the record for most comments without straying from the original post topic. Further proof I am a blogging god.

Suicide sno cone was by far the most popular sno cone with the least amount of appeal. That thing was nasty and looked like a mud puddle someone barfed in but kids loved it for some reason. I was always...and still am...partial to grape. Cherry is OVERRATED. Yeah...I said it.

GMoney said...

I remember that Glenwood Park had banana as an option for sno cones. The fuck? That's gross.

I don't think that it was Laffy Taffy but what was the taffy bar that was about the size of a dollar bill that they sold at LL games called? Them shits were so good.

GMoney said...

Eh, fuck, maybe it was Laffy Taffy. It may have been Tangy Taffy though.

Anonymous said...

All I remember is they sold Swedish Fish by weight. That's how you properly purchase Swedish Fish. And they had the baseball gumballs with messages on them that lost every ounce of flavor after only 5 minutes. I think they had 1,2 and 3 out gumballs and a home run gumball. I always chewed the home run gumballs because I was the league's most dynamic power hitter at 12 years old.

GMoney said...

Mrs. Lacy ran a great concession stand. She was better at her job than Johnny Fryman was at his. ELITE reference.

Nate said...

They all have swirling chocolate in the commercials.

GMoney said...


That whole exchange between random characters is great.

Twix has too much coconut.
I'm allergic to coconut.
I'm not.
A nickel!

Anonymous said...

Johnny Fryman had a vote in the AP poll too