Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Open Forum: Fast Food

KATE UPTON COMPLETELY NAKED...that will help with web traffic today
Last Friday, I had the pleasure of sitting in the Wendy’s drive-thru for 20 minutes like a fatty fat fat in order to try out that new pretzel bun bacon cheeseburger thing that is this month’s special. It was a tremendous decision on my part as my patience was rewarded with quite possibly the best fast food burger of all time. Seriously, this thing is greasy as fuck (because the ELITE pretzel bun doesn’t absorb for shit) but it is SO good. I recommend it. I recommend it a lot. That said, we’ve been foreshadowing this day for months and years but it is finally here. We’re going to talk fast food today.
Now I really have no idea how this post should work. I don’t feel like ranking any of these chains because none of them are worthy of being the best. If I did this right, this would be a post that is six thousand words and would give all of us a heart attack by the end. So maybe we’ll just list a bunch of “restaurants” and do a little bio section for each and then maybe at the end I’ll say which one is the best. A couple of things:
*we’re sticking with national chains
*fuck it, I’m only talking about what I see in Ohio
*Prime can jack off to Jack In The Box on his own time—Larry David loves the Jumbo Jack though
*Obviously, the two best are In-N-Out and Kewpee in (Jose) Lima, OH but they won’t make the list today
*Five Guys does not count. You need a drive-thru window to be evaluated today…let’s begin

McDonald’s – We might as well start with the big dog. They have really good fries, the breakfast is the best, their coffee and shakes are good, and the burgers are better than average (Big Macs still taste terrific every once in a while). But the Filet-O-Fish is the worst sandwich ever invented, their chicken blows, and they never have shamrock shakes when I want them. Plus, I have banned myself from ever going to the one near my house because they are only staffed by the tardiest of all fucktards and I once got into a screaming match with the drive-thru microphone at 2 AM. She$ once went through the same place and was told that they were out of ice. OUT OF ICE! That place sucks. Dynamite frappes though…seriously.

Wendy’s – They charge the shit out of their customers but you can do that when you produce quality products. As a fan of the dollar menu anywhere, it saddens me greatly that Wendy’s has pretty much done away with theirs. The spicy chicken is always a solid order and the burgers are usually pretty good (along with the chili) but the fries are ass and frostys do nothing for me. Hopefully, Burke will stop by and sing the praises of the late Bacon Mushroom Melt (or Bizzitty Mizzitty Mizzitty as he used to call it because he is a chach). Wendy’s will always be a great place to take a date but they need to pump their brakes on their prices.

Burger King – I don’t know what happened to these guys or when but pretty much everything at BK is inedible these days. They should probably try to use vegetables on their sandwiches that aren’t already rotten. That would be a good start. They have the greatest onion ring sauce ever (which helps mask the terrible taste of their onion rings) and the original chicken sandwich is always good, but The Whopper is the most OVERRATED sandwich ever. And what is this new summertime BBQ shit anyway? BK blows.

White Castle/Krystal – You either love White Castle or you hate it. There is no in-between. Put me on Team Love. Sliders are the GOAT. Never order the chicken rings though. Real chicken doesn’t look/bend like that.

Arby’s – I don’t get Arby’s. This SHOULD be the best fast food joint in the world but then they go and charge 10 bucks for a roast beef sandwich and you’re sitting their hungry again in an hour. Granted, the horsey sauce and the curly fries are quite possibly the best thing you could order at any restaurant but they overvalue how good their sandwiches actually are. The mark-up makes no sense. Jamocha shake, though, can GET IT.

Dairy Queen – I haven’t been to a DQ in well over a decade and don’t plan to change that any time soon. Their new commercial (about the five buck lunch) has a guy on it who chews with his mouth open. That is repulsive. He has to be a Tigers fan.

Steak and Shake – Shoestring fries can get all sorts of fucked. Those aren’t even fries. They are air. Many wide loads (probably Colts fans) swear by this place as being the best and it is perfectly fine, but I need more than a steakburger that is as thin LS’s dick.

Rally’s/Checkers – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: they only put these places in ghettos. If you see one, drive to a better neighborhood immediately. The Big Buford is a quality sandwich, though, which makes up for their God awful fries. Remember those CHA-CHING commercials from the 90’s? Terrific!

Hardee’s/Carls Jr – You don’t see many of these around here anymore but they do still exist and I’m quite sure that they produce the least healthy food in America. I saw a commercial the other day where they advertised something like a 100 strip of bacon burger. Hardee’s is for people who want to die but are too big of pussies to pull a trigger.

Taco Bell – I don’t give a fuck what people say, TACO BELL IS SOLID. The cheesy gordita crunch is quite possibly the best thing that you can get from a drive-thru anywhere. Depending on the feature of the month, often times you can stuff you fat face for less than $4. That’s clutch. Name one other place that serves Mountain Dew Baja Blast; I dare you! I must say, though, that the Doritos tacos are just a smidge OVERRATED.

KFC – I am not a fan of KFC. Outside of wings, I do not care much for boned chicken and I will never forgive them for getting rid of The Double Down. That “sandwich” defined America. Here’s the thing about KFC: all of their sides are shit except for the corn and who orders corn at a window? Do they still have those mashed potato bowls? Those things were ELITE.

Long John Silvers – I don’t care, Long John’s is good. Hush puppies are delightful. It takes a lot for me to order fish in my car but I will from here any time. Good shrimp to boot.
Rax – LOL Rax!

The best of the bunch? Culver’s. Culver’s rules the world. It is the only good thing to ever come out of Wisconsin that isn’t Leinenkugel’s. Cane’s is the best chicken place even though that is only a central Ohio thing. Burger King is the worst by far. Deal with it. Today should be fun and quite possibly a world record for comments if I play my cards right and we don’t all have heart attacks. Embrace your inner-lard ass today, people.


Anonymous said...

I agree with most of your points, but I do not like White Castle.

Best fries = McDonalds.

Wendys = best overall due to spicy chicken sandwich, spicy nuggets and chili. Wendys chili is actually decently healthy for.a lunch as well.

LOVE Taco Bell.

It is a shame that BK just isn't anything special anymore.

Fuck that cunt for hitting Carlos Hyde. Glad that guy isn't going anywhere.


Grumpy said...

McDonald's is seriously overrated. Drive thru or not, Five Guys is my go to grease fix.

I don't get the Culver's love. White Castle is the worst. FACT.

Mr. Ace said...

You did not include Sonic. Your post is invalid.

MUDawgfan said...



Waffle Fries are fantastic, they will make you an Arnold Palmer if you ask them. The Spicy Chicken Club is absolutely phenomenal. Their basic chicken sandwich pretty much forced every other fast food chain to carry a chicken sandwich on their menu.

Fucking Culver's?
Why not pick something more obscure like Swenson's or A&W Restaurant?

Neglecting Chick Fil A is an atrocious decision.

GMoney said...

I have never been to a Sonic. I've always figured that if I went there, Shawn Kemp would get me pregnant.

Chick Fil A was an oversight.

So far no one has agreed with my pretzel bun love. SHAME ON YOU FOUR. That thing is so ELITE.

McD's may be OVERRATED but they have the best dollar menu and no one else comes close. That's huge.

Culver's sells the very healthy side known as fried cheese curds. Deal with it.

Hyde is guilty because his real name is Ide and he just threw an H at the beginning. I see through the lie.

MUDawgfan said...

I lost my cool for a minute - but have to agree 100% with G$ on the value of Taco Bell
Their new $1 grillers are excellent value.

I had to luck up Culver's menu and I will say - their Pot Roast Sandwich or Shaved Prime Rib sandwich look excellent.

Grumpy said...

Pretzel bun burger is on today's lunch menu.

Anonymous said...

A) Five Guys counts for me since NYC doesn't have drive thrus. Deal with it.

B) Aside from Culvers which is literally DQ, Your post is spot on.

C) White Castle is the GOAT.

D) I don't eatvat Wemdys due to locations and the heavy amount of blacks that go there here, but youbsold me on pretzel bun. On that note the pot roast on pretzel bun at Tip Top is the greatest contribution to the world.

E) Taco Bell is heaven sent. Chili cheese burrito or GTFO.

F) Hardees is awesome. Their blatant disregard for human life is amazing.

G) Bojangles (back me up Jeff and MUDawg) is the best breakfast place ever.

H) Chick Fil A hates fags. And they make a better spicy chicken than Wendys. FACT


Jeff said...

Bojangles Chicken n Biscuts is damn good.

Haven't had the pretzel bun from Wendys, but the ginger in commercial sure does make it look orgasmic.

Zaxby's is another good one. The southern version of Canes.

White Castle and TBell are the GOAT!

Anonymous said...

Grumpy is the absolute worst - he is like Skip Bayless to me. And im pretty sure I sat in traffic behind him this morning on the way to work: older guy, driving a Prius with a Miami U sticker in his back window, and an OSU liscense plate frame. Closet buckeyes fan, and a fag with a Prius.

MdD's part is spot on - it is the best becuase of their fries, breakfast, dollar menu, and every once in a while, a big mac is fucking tits.

Steak n Shake blows except for the Frisco Melt - and even then you have to order 2 to fill you up.

Wendy's sandwiches are good, but fries suck ass. But even when they used to have the good dollar menu, the sandwiches were all bread - fuck that place.

BK - only good for onion rings and rodeo cheeseburgers.

Taco Bell is the greatest place ever. I seriously have cravings for that place when im sober. Nacho bell grande, mexican pizza, cheesy gordita crunch, nacho cheese chalupa... i can go on forever.

I used to be the king of 2am crave case runs to white castle - good shit. But the worst shits the next day and I swear my farts smelled identical to the restaurant itself. J from JBeanie and myself have been a part of too many crave case smashings.

I have never had Hardee's or even heard of Culvers.

If Swensons is in this category, it takes all awards for best burgers.


Anonymous said...

If you're talking about my dick, you at least have to compare it to a Wendy's single (we're talking about diameter, right?).

McDonalds - Terrible. The only thing I ever go there for anymore is the breakfast, everything else has a far greater counterpart at another chain within short driving distance.

Wendy's - everything but the fries are great.

BK - I love the whopper, but not much else.

Arby's - good, but expensive. Where did the pretentiousness come from? Their southwest sauce is ELITE, though.

DQ - also good, but too expensive.

Steak & Shake - Great food (other than the fries)! I ate there with Burke once in college and he told me to have the frisco melt. I have never ordered anything else.

Rally's - Rally's is an underrated fast food chain. I would almost say it has the best burgers of any drive-thru chain. Big Buford 4 life!

Taco Bell - anyone who knocks it as a food you can only eat drunk is foolish. You have to embrace the cost benefit. Although their prices seem to be increasing, you could feed a family of 4 for $12. For that price, you get a lot of bang for your buck.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I am so happy that we all appear to be on #TeamTacoBell. You know who doesn't care about that one guy who was licking the shells? THIS GUY because maybe this means that the lines will be shorter.

I have never heard of this Swenson's.

That's the best part about White Castle. Your intestines can absolutely recreate the smell the following morning.

Arby's Beef and Cheddar is a terrific eat.

Prime99 said...

Carl's Jr is in full force but I don't go there very often because I'd like to see a few more birfdays.

Jack In The Box is the official late night meal of my band. Definitely some good value on the menu if you live on the correct side of the country.

In-N-Out is good but their fries are worse than Wendy's.

Do you have Del Taco out there? It's pretty awesome but will also cement your arteries.

The Iceman said...

I usually choose my fast food restaurants based on how fucking annoying their commercials are. So I NEVER eat Arby's. Hands down the worst commercials ever.

I'm not exactly sure what Taco Bell tastes like because I'm always blacked out when I eat it. TB will fucking give you TB. I'm almost certain of that.

Let me be the first to validate G$'s pretzel bun adventure. I ate this beautiful bastard about 3 weeks ago. On 4th of July actually, now that I think about it. It was the most American thing I did that day. Seriously...the pretzel bacon burger at Wendy's is life changing.

BK can suck a case of dicks. That slophole serves nothing but dumpster trash and even the homeless would turn their nose up to it. I would starve before subjecting myself to that poison.

Culver's is the shit. There is nothing wrong with what they're doing and the cheese curds will send you to a blocked artery delicious early grave. Worth it.

I don't entirely agree with the Wendy's fries stance you guys have. If fresh out of the fryer, Wendy's fries are damn good. But if they've been sitting in the warming basket for more than 30 minutes you're right. Nasty shit.

I must have the pretzel dog from Sonic. I must have it...

Anonymous said...

Mark me down for never hearing of Swenson's. A&W isn't bad.

Let's not fucking overlook Skyline Chili though. As a matter of fact, throw this one up in the top five somewhere.

Zaxby's > Cane's

White Castle shit's are ELITE, because I know that there is NOTHING else in my digestive system when those puppies come spilling out. Considering that most the times I shit them out I can still smell/taste them beforehand, the raunchiness goes mostly unnoticed. I am a disgusting individual.

Arby's is really good, but when they got rid of their old homestyle fries, it really took a dive.

And let's talk about the greatness that is Chipotle. Some have drive thru's, but who would use them? That's what those greasy wetbacks (I love that my browser doesn't recognize that as a typo) want you to do so they can rip you off on filling. Fuck them. But that place is seriously great.

City BBQ for you Columbus types. That place can get it.


MUDawgfan said...

FWIW - Skyline and Goldstar have a drive-through, but I don't consider a three way fast food. You pretty much have to take it home or eat at the restaurant.

Of course - the same could be said for KFC and Bojangles.

I'll take the plunge and vouch for Popeye's spicy fried chicken. It's pretty good.
If you owned a company and had Popeyes catered in for lunch, it should satisfy EEOC requirements.

Of course, we could probably do another post entirely on comfort food...etc

Anonymous said...

Oh, shit. My bad, the best of all time is COOK OUT.

Now I think I covered them all.


MUDawgfan said...

I've never seen a chiptole with a drive through.

I've seen a Moe's with a drive through but Moes sucks balls

GMoney said...

Chipotle and City BBQ do not qualify today. You are an idiot. And Chipotle sucks big black balls.

I've had Popeye's once before and was very underwhelmed. That sassy black lady is awful.

I like those two loser guys in the Sonic ads. But the whole drive-in thing seems stupid to me.

LOL at someone who thinks that Chipotle and City BBQ are fast food. WHAT A MINORITY!

GMoney said...

Oh man, wars have been started over people's differing opinions on Cincinnati chili. I'm on the PRO side with Paul "Big Daddy" Keels.

Anonymous said...

How are they not fast food? You wait in line, you walk up to the counter, order it, and it is handed to you in a paper sack or tray if you prefer to eat it there. There are drive thru concepts of Chipotle (likely to fail) and City BBQ.

The price point at City is roughly the same as Arby's, and Chipotle is basically as cheap as the rest. It literally hits every criteria you loosely gave.

Are you going to go into whether or not the chicken is free ranged or processed to make your point?


GMoney said...

This isn't your blog (thank God). You don't get to make up the rules. Those are not fast food joints. They are more "good food fast" places or "bad food fast" in the case of Chipotle.

The Big Boy in Nap has a drive-thru but it is most definitely not a fast food place. Use common sense, shit weasel. YOU ARE WRONG.

And I want to reiterate LOL Rax!

Anonymous said...


I have to disagree with you on Zaxby's and Cane's. I have had Zaxby's multiple times and Cane's many times. Cane's is far better. For one, their chicken fingers are larger. Last time I ate at Zaxby's I felt cheated because the chicken fingers were so small. Everything else is comparable, but when they make their business off chicken, you have to give Cane's an edge.

I am also dismayed that Sonic is not included. One of the tastiest fast food places around. I have been there multiple times and only saw Shawn Kemp once.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

I think Big Boy is fast food. It may not be a big chain, and does have a breakfast buffet, but totes fast food.

In that same vein, what about Subway?

Sonic Breakfast is the best. I haven't had it in a very long time, but a burrito with egg, tots, sausage, bacon, and cheese sauce is fucking ridic.

I had In n Out on my west coast swing. It was ok. Didn't really understand all the rage about it. If bacon isn't an option then you're not really a restaurant.

Anonymous said...

Big Boy is not fast food. When you sit down to eat at a Big Boy, does a waitress take your order and do you have to wait at least 5-10 minutes? If so, it is not fast food. One could argue its not fast food simply because of the waitress. Simply having a drive-thru does not mean its fast food. If that were the case, Hawk's, China Dragon, and many Pizza Huts would be fast food.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Ape, we've talked sandwiches before so the Subways/Quiznos of the world need not apply today.

Did you Animal Style your order? If you didn't then you are unqualified to talk about In-N-Out.

A breakfast burrito with tater tots? Mind = blown

It amazes me that we as a commenting nation can not agree with what is and is not fast food. BE SMARTER.

GMoney said...

Big Boy is a huge fucking chain. People nationwide can't get enough Brawny Lads. Big Boy > Big Mac

Mr. Ace said...

LS, I stand corrected.

Anonymous said...

LS, Cane's gives me ravenous shits. The kind that White Castle wishes it could be. Zaxby's does not. So it wins for me.

Tater tots in breakfast burritos make everything better. Ironically enough, for all the misteps they make, BK does this, and it's not that bad....for BK.

Pizza Hut's are fast food when paired with a Taco Bell. Would HOT N READYS count?

According to wikipedia (blow me if you want to debate factual merits of this site), here is a list of fast food restaurants. No Swenson's, which means that no one has ever heard of that place ever.


Anonymous said...

Swenson's is not fast food - its similar set up to an A&W rootbeer stand. Im telling you, if you are ever in the Akron area (im sorry if you are), stop and get a galley boy. Its life changing.


GMoney said...

Thanks for the warning to never go to Akron. I would have jumped down your throat had you not said that first.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH, pizza is not fast food even if some places treat it that way. Will you stop being a cocksucker? Is that a dumb question because it isn't even remotely possible?

underrated - McDouble

Mr. Ace said...

Top 5 Go to's across all fast food chains:
1: Cheesy Gordita Crunch even if it's not on the menu. And you can substitute black beans for meat if you so choose. I never have, just saying.
2. Caniac
3. Baconator
4. Big Mac
5. Ultimate Meat n Cheese Breakfast Burrito from Sonic. Served all day.

Honorable Mention: KFC Bowls. Very underrated.

If I want a deli sangwich I will go to a fucking deli. Arby's can get fucked.

Anonymous said...

Luckily there are Swensons locations peppered around NE Ohio outside of Akron. If you'd like to enjoy your Swenson experience LeBron style you must throw all of your trash in the parking lot and don’t leave a tip

RIP Bacon Mushroom Melt

J from JBeanie

GMoney said...

Good call, Ape, if you had to rank your fave sammiches from actual fast food places, do it:

1. Quad Steak Burrito...this should be on the menu year 'round
2. QPC or Double QPC...McD's knows what's up
3. Pretzel Bun Bacon CB
4. Beef and Cheddar
5. Original Chick-Fil-A sandwich

Anonymous said...

The grease on a DPC is mind blowing.

1. Spicy Asiago Ranch Club (Wendy's)
2. Chick Fil A Spicy Chicken
3. Baconator (Placeholder until I try the pretzelbun)
4. Hardee's Monster Thick Burger*
5. Chili Cheese Burrito

*Important nutritional facts on number 4.

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 serving (413 g)

Calories 1420

Calories from Fat 972

Total Fat 108.0g (166%)

Saturated Fat 43.0g (215%)

Cholesterol 230mg (77%)

Sodium 2770mg (115%)

Carbohydrates 46.0g (15%)

Dietary Fiber 2.0g (8%)

Sugars 9.0g

Protein 60.0g


GMoney said...

Yeah, if you ever had any doubt that Hardee's killed more Americans than the Civil War, read that "nutritional" info again.

Prime99 said...

Ide's love of black dong makes it obvious that he would love something called "monster thick."

Anonymous said...

Dedicated reader, Rosie, sent me a picture during lunch today of his Preztel bun bacon cheeseburger saying "had to try it after gmoney today".

Wendy's should be giving you a cut.


GMoney said...

Did he love it? What about Grump? If you didn't love that sandwich then you should switch to a Mr. Ace diet of oven-roasted cud (good Simpsons reference).

Anonymous said...

I went with Rosie today and we both agreed, that is a tasty burger

J from JBeanie

Mr. Ace said...

So, I took a lunch vacation from my veganism to partake in this Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger. It was good. Not great. It's like $8 for a combo. For another 3 dollars I can have a Thurman burger and chips. Now, if you put the pretzel bun on a baconator...we might have something. But nasty cheese and old veggies just isn't doing it for me. I did like the honey mustard sauce, though. Meh. I guess that's why when I decide to be a carnivore, or at least a sober carnivore, I don't go with fast food. Don't be misled by G$'s outlandish statements.

GMoney said...

If Mr. Ace hated it and J, Rosie, Iceman, and myself love it then you KNOW it's good.

I won't be punished for those Byron Mullens-looking workers giving you moldy cheese and rotten veggies. Don't blame the sammy for that.

But yeah, the price of the combo is MAJOR LULZ as are all of their prices.

Mr. Ace said...

I said it was good. I didn't hate it. But the cheese was half plastic and the veggies add nothing to the sangwich other than the onions. Onions and pickles should be mandatory.

And that price was for a single. 9+ for a double? Get the fuck out or go fuck yourself #teamsheikie.

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