|KATE UPTON COMPLETELY NAKED...that will help with web traffic today|
Now I really have no idea how this post should work. I don’t feel like ranking any of these chains because none of them are worthy of being the best. If I did this right, this would be a post that is six thousand words and would give all of us a heart attack by the end. So maybe we’ll just list a bunch of “restaurants” and do a little bio section for each and then maybe at the end I’ll say which one is the best. A couple of things:
*we’re sticking with national chains
*fuck it, I’m only talking about what I see in Ohio
*Prime can jack off to Jack In The Box on his own time—Larry David loves the Jumbo Jack though
*Obviously, the two best are In-N-Out and Kewpee in (Jose) Lima, OH but they won’t make the list today
*Five Guys does not count. You need a drive-thru window to be evaluated today…let’s begin
McDonald’s – We might as well start with the big dog. They have really good fries, the breakfast is the best, their coffee and shakes are good, and the burgers are better than average (Big Macs still taste terrific every once in a while). But the Filet-O-Fish is the worst sandwich ever invented, their chicken blows, and they never have shamrock shakes when I want them. Plus, I have banned myself from ever going to the one near my house because they are only staffed by the tardiest of all fucktards and I once got into a screaming match with the drive-thru microphone at 2 AM. She$ once went through the same place and was told that they were out of ice. OUT OF ICE! That place sucks. Dynamite frappes though…seriously.
Wendy’s – They charge the shit out of their customers but you can do that when you produce quality products. As a fan of the dollar menu anywhere, it saddens me greatly that Wendy’s has pretty much done away with theirs. The spicy chicken is always a solid order and the burgers are usually pretty good (along with the chili) but the fries are ass and frostys do nothing for me. Hopefully, Burke will stop by and sing the praises of the late Bacon Mushroom Melt (or Bizzitty Mizzitty Mizzitty as he used to call it because he is a chach). Wendy’s will always be a great place to take a date but they need to pump their brakes on their prices.
Burger King – I don’t know what happened to these guys or when but pretty much everything at BK is inedible these days. They should probably try to use vegetables on their sandwiches that aren’t already rotten. That would be a good start. They have the greatest onion ring sauce ever (which helps mask the terrible taste of their onion rings) and the original chicken sandwich is always good, but The Whopper is the most OVERRATED sandwich ever. And what is this new summertime BBQ shit anyway? BK blows.
White Castle/Krystal – You either love White Castle or you hate it. There is no in-between. Put me on Team Love. Sliders are the GOAT. Never order the chicken rings though. Real chicken doesn’t look/bend like that.
Arby’s – I don’t get Arby’s. This SHOULD be the best fast food joint in the world but then they go and charge 10 bucks for a roast beef sandwich and you’re sitting their hungry again in an hour. Granted, the horsey sauce and the curly fries are quite possibly the best thing you could order at any restaurant but they overvalue how good their sandwiches actually are. The mark-up makes no sense. Jamocha shake, though, can GET IT.
Dairy Queen – I haven’t been to a DQ in well over a decade and don’t plan to change that any time soon. Their new commercial (about the five buck lunch) has a guy on it who chews with his mouth open. That is repulsive. He has to be a Tigers fan.
Steak and Shake – Shoestring fries can get all sorts of fucked. Those aren’t even fries. They are air. Many wide loads (probably Colts fans) swear by this place as being the best and it is perfectly fine, but I need more than a steakburger that is as thin LS’s dick.
Rally’s/Checkers – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: they only put these places in ghettos. If you see one, drive to a better neighborhood immediately. The Big Buford is a quality sandwich, though, which makes up for their God awful fries. Remember those CHA-CHING commercials from the 90’s? Terrific!
Hardee’s/Carls Jr – You don’t see many of these around here anymore but they do still exist and I’m quite sure that they produce the least healthy food in America. I saw a commercial the other day where they advertised something like a 100 strip of bacon burger. Hardee’s is for people who want to die but are too big of pussies to pull a trigger.
Taco Bell – I don’t give a fuck what people say, TACO BELL IS SOLID. The cheesy gordita crunch is quite possibly the best thing that you can get from a drive-thru anywhere. Depending on the feature of the month, often times you can stuff you fat face for less than $4. That’s clutch. Name one other place that serves Mountain Dew Baja Blast; I dare you! I must say, though, that the Doritos tacos are just a smidge OVERRATED.
KFC – I am not a fan of KFC. Outside of wings, I do not care much for boned chicken and I will never forgive them for getting rid of The Double Down. That “sandwich” defined America. Here’s the thing about KFC: all of their sides are shit except for the corn and who orders corn at a window? Do they still have those mashed potato bowls? Those things were ELITE.
Long John Silvers – I don’t care, Long John’s is good. Hush puppies are delightful. It takes a lot for me to order fish in my car but I will from here any time. Good shrimp to boot.
Rax – LOL Rax!
The best of the bunch? Culver’s. Culver’s rules the world. It is the only good thing to ever come out of Wisconsin that isn’t Leinenkugel’s. Cane’s is the best chicken place even though that is only a central Ohio thing. Burger King is the worst by far. Deal with it. Today should be fun and quite possibly a world record for comments if I play my cards right and we don’t all have heart attacks. Embrace your inner-lard ass today, people.