Thursday, July 25, 2013

Of Course They Would Trade Their Hatred For Handouts

Ribs unite all.
I am off work the next two days and will be out on an area baseball diamond feeling up teenage boys instead of in front of a computer so these aren’t going to be very long. You’ll live. So I’m tasked with the tough…uh, task of coming up with a topic that I will not need to facilitate. This is going to be tough. NOT! Count it.

College football is probably the shadiest sport out there when you factor in scumbag players, scumbag coaches, scumbag boosters, and Ohio Buckeye Fans. There always seems to be a dark cloud over the sport due to scandal, Johnny Football chicanery, Catholic scissor lift murders, Roll Damn Tiding trees, or catfish hoaxes. So it is nice and refreshing when we can celebrate the true good guys of the sport.

That good guy—wait, GREAT guy—is none other than The Hokester, Brady Hoke. How could any of us forget that adorable 12 year old Fuckeye fan who named his cancer after “That Team Up North”? Did he “beat Michigan”? Oh you damn skippy he beat Michigan. The story made the world smile because it reinforced all of our opinions that Ohio fans are all just dumber versions of BradyCakes.

Earlier this week, our favorite high-voiced Mike Golic doppelganger reached out to the Reed family and congratulated the boy for triumphing over that shitty disease. He took the joke in stride and offered the family 4 tickets to the most OVERRATED rivalry in sports this November. The dad and son even remarked that maybe WE ON aren’t so bad after all which makes the Reeds a bunch of FAKE FANS.

Hoke didn’t have to do this. No one told him to insert himself into this cute story. But he did it because he’s a good fucking dude and deserves some props for his empathy. Good for him.

On the contrary, King Buttfucker has spent his week interviewing bail bondsmen and negotiating suspensions with his expansive collection of felons. I wonder if all of the legal issues is counted against his allotted hours that Urb’s daughters allow him to work. Pussy. 

In conclusion, The Hokester rules because he says his prayers and takes his vitamins. Urban Meyer taught Aaron Hernandez how to be a serial killer just like Harry taught Dexter. I suppose that that makes Gene Smiff Deb because everyone hates him and he’s terrible at his job. Let me work on that analogy some more. And fuck Ohio. I’ll be back some time this afternoon to make sure that no one has shit on the commenting floor. Stay civil.

23 comments:

GMoney said...

Nevermind, queers, my games today were canceled. I'll be here all day!

I can't wait to break down Bill Belichick's boring press conference from yesterday in which he said nothing but all idiot writers seem to be applauding him for.

The Iceman said...

Hopefully URBZ will take a page out of Harry's book and kill himself for creating a monster.

GMoney said...

Hmmmmm...did the pretzel bun burger kill Grumpy? Or was it the reveal of Miami's new football uniforms that did him in?

Prime99 said...

Total fake fans. If you can be bought with 4 tickets, then "TTUN" has really won.

G$- A-Rod is the worst human/Yankee ever? Worse than Swisher, Jack Parkman, and Steve Howe combined? I'm interested in your thoughts on Captain CrazyPills.

Anonymous said...

I dunno about that. If that fat fuck offered me 4 coaches seats to the game, I'd be hard pressed to turn them down. I can't imagine anyone who would, actually. Especially a cancer kid. His life sucks anyways.

Ide

GMoney said...

Clearly, Ide graduated from Hoke College.

Prime, I already wrote tomorrow's post. My thoughts on him show up there.

Mr. Ace said...

Hoke is pretty much the best. Love everything about that guy. Even Fuckeyes black hearts can't deny this is a great man. All Hail Hoke.

Anonymous said...

Just Hoke being a Look At Me faggot. Notice URBZ visited that kid back in December and nobody even knew until this whole gay calling cance Michigan story broke.

Why did your games cancel...is it raining in Columbus? I'm up in Northern Michigan.

Drank a beer called "the horny monk" last night....very good.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Don't be a Drouche bag. Hoke will PWN any good will opportunity that is put in front of him. It's just what he do.

G$ LETS GO GOLFING!

GMoney said...

Hmmmmmm, Ape, that ain't a bad idea. My dog has a vet appointment at 5:00 but I'm ready, willing, and anal.

World Series (of what, I do not know) qualifying Tournament went from 16 teams to 10 so I got squeezed today (not tomorrow though where I will be appearing LIVE at Dublin BradyCoffman HS).

Hoke is a saint. He meets his enemies head on and turns them into fans.

Anonymous said...

Hoke is the worst public speaker of all time. Even worse than commenter daniel. Seriously, every other word is uhhhh hmmmm uhhhhhh ummmmmm. He is also very fat.

You wasted two vacation days to umpire teenage baseball? You're a lot gayer than I thought.

Dut

GMoney said...

I have/had 7 to burn by the end of August or I lost them. I regret nothing. We can't all spend our vacation getting humped on Fire Island with your uncle. So back off, speech therapist.

Grumpy said...

The pretzel bun burger is the greatest. I may get another today.

Hey, if those uniforms appeal to 17 yr. old kids and help create a brand, I'm all for them.

GMoney said...

They want us to be Oregon. Unfortunately, we DON'T have Chipford Kelly or talent.

MONEY SHOT/LFL/MSFL golf outing is TODAY at Phoenix Golf Links. Ape and I are the only ones invited because we are better than you.

Grumpy said...

The NFL is considering bringing in police gang specialists to evaluate the tats of potential draftees. Maybe Ohio should consider a similar move.

GMoney said...

Let's work on this a bit more before our tee time:

Dexter = Aaron Hernandez
Harry = Urbz
Deb = Gene Smiff
Batista = Luke Fickell (completely inept)
Quinn = well, looks like I'm done with this. That was time well spent.

Nate said...

To be a bad public speaker, you have to actually speak.

Bailing on a speaking engagement to nail Joy Edwards isn't bad speaking. Bad judgment, maybe.

Prime99 said...

Trinity Killer = Bill Belichick

The Iceman said...

In order to have a Quinn you need an obnoxious drunk who is in love with Gene Smiff. Gordon Gee? Nailed it.

Anonymous said...

Masuka = Daniel. Circle K even wisheshes never heard of him.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Just bought four tix to the B1G Championship game. What an epic day that is gonna be with the Buckeyes holding a two season long undefeated streak and a berth to the Natty.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

It must cost $6 for 18 holes on a Thursday afternoon at Phoenix if Ape is golfing there.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Its free with my EBT card.