Tuesday, July 02, 2013

NBA Free Agency




The new faggy wig you'll see in Cleveland next year.



Over the weekend my car’s transmission blew it’s own turd tunnel out.  For any of you who have experienced such fucking joy, you know exactly how elated I am to bend over for this massive oily, greasy, mechanic cock to explode my anus.  So I’m keeping this short today because all I can think about is how I’m about to drop well over a grand for a car that isn’t even paid off yet.  Yippy fucking skippy.

Just when Cakes thought the NBA posts were over, I spray another right in his face.  Like an alpha male marking its territory.  Consider this your penance for all of the delusional Indians Facebook posts and overload of Indians tweets.  Today I address some of the NBA rumors floating around now that free agency period is in full swing.  Here’s what I think.

David Lee: He’s staying in Golden State.  Lee is owed something like 50 million over the next 3 seasons and I really don’t see anyone taking on that salary considering he’s more of a defensive liability than Ide is a wedding guest liability.  Anyone going to Iceman/Wheelz 2013 nuptials will see that first hand.  I actually like David Lee.  He’s a real “insert working class analogy here” type of player that has a nice offensive arsenal.  He’s just too shitty on defense for what he’s owed.

Greg Oden: I honestly can’t wait to see how this plays out.  Contrary to popular belief, I actually want Oden to make it.  He was pretty cool that night we saw him at Ugly Tuna last summer and didn’t appear to be trying to Big Tyme anyone.  Plus he completely ignored his internal struggle with the sauce and smashed every shot that came his way.  I like a guy who throws caution to the wind despite being a raging alcoholic.  I think at the end of the day he signs with Miami for 2 reasons.  First, who wouldn’t want to play along side of LeBron if given the chance?  Second, he won’t need to play huge minutes and would probably be the starter from day one.  He may not have that luxury on the 4 other teams interested.

Josh Smith: FUCK!  The Pistons just met with Smiff for 5 hours yesterday.  From what I have been hearing, Joe Dumbass has a huge, blistery, hairy boner for Smiff.  Don’t be shocked if the Pistons somehow land both Smiff AND Iron Jaw Iggy in free agency.  And don’t be shocked if the Pistons are in the lottery for the next 10 years.  You would have thought the hangover from Ben Gordon and Charlie “SmoothPits” Villanueva would still be lingering enough for Dumars to avoid pretty much the EXACT SAME SCENARIO.  My prediction is that at least on of these shit heads will be in a Detroit uniform next year.

Tyreke Evans: Another pretty average player the Pistons are targeting.  Why must my favorite teams treat me with such disrespect?  The hot rumor states that Evans is almost set to sign with the Pelicans.  But I think the Kings will match last minute and keep Evans.  Because Cousins needs a cell mate.  I’m not sure if Evans is a thug ass motherfucker or not…I just assume he is because he was coached by Calipari.

Andrew Bynum: This is less of a prediction and more of a fingers crossed.  Wouldn’t it be sweet, succulent justice to have Bynum in Cleveland next year?  I will never forget how G$ courted the hand of Bynum and slobbed his berries until Bynum’s sack skin looked like the fingers of a kid who has been in a pool for 6 hours straight.  Put Bynum on Cleveland and force G$ to defend this walking uterus for a full 82 game season.  I don’t ask for much.

Dwight Howard: Howard will be in Dallas next year.  And here’s why.  Howard is a cunt.  He can’t stand sharing the spotlight with anyone.  And even though Dirk is still there, he’s not really a spotlight hog like guys like Kobe are.  I think Dirk would gladly hand that over to DUH-wight.  Which is why Howards insistence to get out of Orlando post haste was so bizarre.  He was THE man there and no one was even close to taking that away.  Another reason he’ll pick Dallas is because word on the street is Cubes gives the most sensual hand jobs this side of the Mississippi.

There ya go, cum queens.  More NBA because I know you all love it so much.  I will be accepting any and all payments to the “Repair Iceman’s Vehicle” fund.  Give generously.  That is all.  Bye bye.

37 comments:

Grumpy said...

Take care of your car and it will take care of you.

MuDawgfan said...

If Josh Smiff leaves Atlanta, the Hawks might struggle to win 18 games next year. What a disaster.

But hey! They'll have like 60 million bucks to throw around in free agency. Trust Danny Ferry I guess....

The Iceman said...

Thanks for the car advice, Sitting Bull.

You can't seriously want Josh Smiff to hang around Atlanta next year, Dawg. I'm sure you can find another 6'8" power forward to shoot 28% from 3 point range. Plus for the money he's going to want...no fuckin thanks.

There hasn't been a whole lot of talk about this but now that you mention Atlanta's cap space...I wouldn't be shocked if DUH-wight landed in Atlanta. Horford isn't a superstar and Teague is just good enough to play 15 years without ever being a all star. Neither one of those guys are a serious threat to Howard's thirst for the lime light.

GMoney said...

I think you are being tongue-in-cheek but I can personally assure that you should NEVER trust Danny Ferry.

I think that Oden should go to San Antonio. It's out of the spotlight. He can give them 15 minutes a night at the start hopefully. Splitter is gone anyway and can take a good chunk of his burn.

Bynum isn't going to CLE. No way, no how. Mike Brown Stains has already put up with him for one year. He isn't going to sign up for that wild ride again. Lower your expectations immediately or feel my wrath. I already took care of your transmission, don't make me pour sugar in the gas tank.

DUH-wight is going to Houston. NO STATE TAX! They are in a way better position to win than Dallas. Then again, who knows if DUH-wight even wants to win. And I would love to see the Cavs go after Asik once the Rockets have no choice but to sell him off for 2nd round picks/Tyler Zeller.

It sounds like the Cavs are targeting Darren Collison, Earl "Ears" Watson, and Earl Clark in FA. SUPER BOWL! I don't understand why we're letting Wayne Ellington walk. He's a dead eye shooter from deep.

The Pistons are the best and by best I mean worst. Josh Smiff as your 3 is exactly the right Dumars play!

GMoney said...

Take care of your car and it will take care of you.

There isn't a more old man quote than this quote from an old man.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dut - Shave off your gay lucky beard, the Tigers keep losing. I assume thats the only reason you have that sack tickler, right?

Seal

Anonymous said...

No. His partner Stefan enjoys it as well.

Ide

GMoney said...

SITE NEWS: Go ahead and call us the NBA because we're going to be dark on Thursday and Friday this week. For America OBVZ.

Brady said...

I swear you've had more trouble with that car than a normal person should. Stop muddin' with your cletus-type friends and maybe the car won't fuck up every month.

The Iceman said...

I like how the Cavs are forming the All-Canadian/All-Earl team.

Dallas has NO STATE TAX too, anus. But now I'm hearing that Howard is telling Houston he'll come there only if they get another "superstar". WTF?? I thought he wanted the spotlight for himself. Now he's saying he wants his own big 3? What a complete jackass.

The Bulls just gave Mike Dunleavy a 2 year deal. Look for the Bulls to finish near the bottom next year. Dunleavy looks like that melty face kid from the movie Mask. Not THE Mask...with Jim Carrey and back when Cameron Diaz was actually hot. Mask...with Cher and Sam "The Voice of Coors" Elliot.

The Iceman said...

I'll just do what you would do and go get a 2 door shit box that runs on recycled corn oil, Cakes. You fuckin hippy.

GMoney said...

Both teams offer NO STATE TAX but which one has the better school systems for all of DUH-wight's bastard kids? He's apparently up to like 7 with 7 different women. He's a real straight shooter of semen into eggs.

Someone should tell Howard that the new cap TOTES prevents teams from doing Big 3's anymore. You'd just have to live with Chandler Parsons as your #3, BRAH, and that ain't bad. By the way, here is an interesting subplot, Howard could be teammates with Royce White. I bet that they would play a lot of Candyland with each other since they are both 5 years old.

Oh man, does Cakes drive a hybrid? That would be hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy has to drive a mini-van.

Seal

Grumpy said...

You can go ahead and laugh at my advice, but what are the chances Iceman has ever flushed his transmission and changed the fluid? I'm betting zero.

He caused this and is now paying the consequences. I don't feel sorry for him.

GMoney said...

Hey Jeff, GREAT NEWS! Your Timberwhites have offered contracts to Chase Budinger AND JJ Redick! WHITE POWER!

LOL flush...that's a great word.

Jeff said...

HEIL YEA!!

I was just getting ready to ask what big splashes we were going to make this offseason.

IF IT'S WHITE, IT MUST BE RIGHT!!

Anonymous said...

I LOL'd when I just read grooming advice from a bald guy. The tigers don't need my ELITE beard to win. I'm not concerned about the recent developments of the windians at all. It just makes it more fun. Dont worry, windians.. Dad will be paying you a visit this weekend. He is angry, and is hopped up on Mountain Dew baja blast. Be afraid.

Dut

Prime99 said...

Dunleavy will not tank the Bulls. They will be just fine, even with Eric Stoltz lookin' mofo riding the pine.

T-Wolves are mos def racist.

Finally caught up with Dexter. Great start to the season!

GMoney said...

Whoa! There is nothing great about Dexter. The ceiling for that show is "pretty good". It can't even be "good" anymore. It has burned the viewers too much (thank you for that, Colin Hanks).

Dut, the FACT that you can tell the Tribe how their asses taste in July is embarrassing. Nice bald dig at Seal though.

Flip Saunders is doing a great job of following the Wolves traditions and core values.

GMoney said...

Dunleavy. Deng. Boozer. Prime is a DOOK fan!

Brady said...

Hybrid? Bitch, please.

Can't wait for this weekend's series. Should be a great opportunity to pad that FIRST PLACE lead.

Anonymous said...

Dexter is good, if not enjoyable. It's the last season, so at this point they are riding on the goodwill they built up seasons 1-4.

Shout out to Wally Balls of Entourage fame for railing Deb.

fuckingpassword was a great touch as well.

Ide

The Iceman said...

What's transmission fluid?? Look at Grumpy assuming I'm not a total grease monkey. THAT'S PROFILING YOU JERK!! You can get me a new transmission for my wedding gift. Done.

Cakes probably takes his bike everywhere like Andy in the 40 year old virgin.

If the Wolves were somehow able to get Buddinger AND Singler they would have to issue sunglasses to every person who shows up to the game so they don't burn their retinas out. So........800 pairs of sunglasses for every home game then?

Prime99 said...

Make it 802 sunglasses so the black guys on the team can pop out the lenses and wear them around as high fashion.

Prime99 said...

Also, Dexter overall is great. Season 6 was dumb, but everything else has good a solid watch. Last season was good and the series as a whole has been great.

Deb fits the code. She should die.

GMoney said...

Prime, with tardery like that, you are now banned from the 2013 TMS Commenter of the Year nominations. Dexter is not great. When 90% of your cast is pointless, you are not ELITE.

Prime99 said...

Quinn bangs strippers and baby sitters. You better not be saying he's pointless! LOLZ!

Anonymous said...

Let's be reasonable. The only reason the show isnt great is because there is no Doakes.

Speaking of ELITE; I just saw this headline on the FoxNews building, "19 elite firefighters died in Arizona wildfire." I would have went with courageous but definitely not ELITE.

Ide

The Iceman said...

I can't believe I'm saying this...but I find myself siding with G$ on the cast of Dexter. It's a pretty terrible cast top to bottom. There are 4 people who have been in every episode: Dexter, Deb, Harry and Batista. A dead guy and a whiney Mexican have had more screen time than everyone but 2 people. When Deb is your second most important character you definitely lack STRMPH when it comes to your cast DEPF. I think there are a lot of "good" characters...but not a lot of "great" characters. And I think the cameo appearances have been more ELITE than the actual cast has been. That just shouldn't be the case if a show is to be considered "great".

Don't get me wrong...I love the show and it saddens me to see it dispand. But Dexter's legacy lies somewhere in between "good" and "very good".

Brady said...

I've never watched Dexter (even though Iceman gave me seasons upon seasons to watch) but I've heard a number of people bitch about the season premiere.

In other shows I should've been watching news, I just finished the first season of Dragons. I'm abolutely and totally hooked. Why it takes me so long to get into these amazing shows is anybody's guess.

They just finished up season 3 correct? I should be able to knock out the next two seasons in a couple weeks. Then I'll be prepared for Ide and his incredibly detailed/racist recaps when the show returns.

Grumpy said...

Charlotte Rampling is going to be a great addition to Dexter. Great actress and the premiere set her character up to be a problem for Dexter all season.

GMoney said...

By the way, Grump, that lady was hot as fuck back in the 70's. She looks like an old catcher's mitt now but she was smoking back when you were in your 90's.

Cakes, the seasons are only ten episodes long so it won't take you that long to pour through them.

Damn shame that those fires claimed all of our ELITE firefighters. They should have sent in the Studs & Scrubs firemen.

What is Dexter on? Season 8 or 9? The problem is that they've only had two "big bads" that were interesting (Ice Truck and Trinity). The rest of them were stupid. Plus killing Doakes was a horrible idea as he was the second best character on the show.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more Prime! G$ is way off base with his Dexter criticisms. It may not be Thrones or Justified, but still easily in my top 10 ever, probably top 5

Wallyrocks.com

Anonymous said...

Although you are wrong about the show as a whole, killing Doakes that early may have been a bad idea.

Fuck You Morgan

Prime99 said...

I'm just on different terminology than you guys. I said "great" not OMFGMFs this show is better than Thrones and Lost combined! My "great" sounds close to your "very good." No big deal.

GMoney said...

Look, I'm not going to argue with some anonymous asswad who watched every episode of Grey's Anatomy AND Desperate Housewives. Dexter is fine. It can be good. It is not great. It is a show that should have retired three seasons ago but decided to keep pumping out watered down, recycled seasons with horrible casting decisions. You can not argue against that.

The casting has been terrible. The secondary characters are as unlikeable as they are stupid. Don Knotts could have figured out by now that the dude is a serial killer. It's entertaining still and I'm sticking around to see how it ends but it is HEAVILY flawed.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget Revenge and Scandal.

Ide