The new faggy wig you'll see in Cleveland next year.
Over the weekend my car’s transmission blew it’s own turd tunnel out. For any of you who have experienced such fucking joy, you know exactly how elated I am to bend over for this massive oily, greasy, mechanic cock to explode my anus. So I’m keeping this short today because all I can think about is how I’m about to drop well over a grand for a car that isn’t even paid off yet. Yippy fucking skippy.
Just when Cakes thought the NBA posts were over, I spray another right in his face. Like an alpha male marking its territory. Consider this your penance for all of the delusional Indians Facebook posts and overload of Indians tweets. Today I address some of the NBA rumors floating around now that free agency period is in full swing. Here’s what I think.
David Lee: He’s staying in Golden State. Lee is owed something like 50 million over the next 3 seasons and I really don’t see anyone taking on that salary considering he’s more of a defensive liability than Ide is a wedding guest liability. Anyone going to Iceman/Wheelz 2013 nuptials will see that first hand. I actually like David Lee. He’s a real “insert working class analogy here” type of player that has a nice offensive arsenal. He’s just too shitty on defense for what he’s owed.
Greg Oden: I honestly can’t wait to see how this plays out. Contrary to popular belief, I actually want Oden to make it. He was pretty cool that night we saw him at Ugly Tuna last summer and didn’t appear to be trying to Big Tyme anyone. Plus he completely ignored his internal struggle with the sauce and smashed every shot that came his way. I like a guy who throws caution to the wind despite being a raging alcoholic. I think at the end of the day he signs with Miami for 2 reasons. First, who wouldn’t want to play along side of LeBron if given the chance? Second, he won’t need to play huge minutes and would probably be the starter from day one. He may not have that luxury on the 4 other teams interested.
Josh Smith: FUCK! The Pistons just met with Smiff for 5 hours yesterday. From what I have been hearing, Joe Dumbass has a huge, blistery, hairy boner for Smiff. Don’t be shocked if the Pistons somehow land both Smiff AND Iron Jaw Iggy in free agency. And don’t be shocked if the Pistons are in the lottery for the next 10 years. You would have thought the hangover from Ben Gordon and Charlie “SmoothPits” Villanueva would still be lingering enough for Dumars to avoid pretty much the EXACT SAME SCENARIO. My prediction is that at least on of these shit heads will be in a Detroit uniform next year.
Tyreke Evans: Another pretty average player the Pistons are targeting. Why must my favorite teams treat me with such disrespect? The hot rumor states that Evans is almost set to sign with the Pelicans. But I think the Kings will match last minute and keep Evans. Because Cousins needs a cell mate. I’m not sure if Evans is a thug ass motherfucker or not…I just assume he is because he was coached by Calipari.
Andrew Bynum: This is less of a prediction and more of a fingers crossed. Wouldn’t it be sweet, succulent justice to have Bynum in Cleveland next year? I will never forget how G$ courted the hand of Bynum and slobbed his berries until Bynum’s sack skin looked like the fingers of a kid who has been in a pool for 6 hours straight. Put Bynum on Cleveland and force G$ to defend this walking uterus for a full 82 game season. I don’t ask for much.
Dwight Howard: Howard will be in Dallas next year. And here’s why. Howard is a cunt. He can’t stand sharing the spotlight with anyone. And even though Dirk is still there, he’s not really a spotlight hog like guys like Kobe are. I think Dirk would gladly hand that over to DUH-wight. Which is why Howards insistence to get out of Orlando post haste was so bizarre. He was THE man there and no one was even close to taking that away. Another reason he’ll pick Dallas is because word on the street is Cubes gives the most sensual hand jobs this side of the Mississippi.
There ya go, cum queens. More NBA because I know you all love it so much. I will be accepting any and all payments to the “Repair Iceman’s Vehicle” fund. Give generously. That is all. Bye bye.