Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Movie Rant

 Most people's reaction to seeing Ide naked.  The horror...



I haven't gone on a good, healthy, soul cleansing rant in awhile so that's what we'll do today.  Also, I know we don't want to put up with Stan Ide sulking about a list post again.  He's been a sour bitch about enough shit this last every week to the point where I think I speak for everyone...we don't need to give him another reason to flap his (pussy) lips.

So Sunday night we made the decision to see the hot new horror movie The Conjuring.  I'm not sure how many of you have seen the previews but it's a little something like this.  Family idiotically moves into a shit house that needs a fuck load of cosmetic work in the middle of nowhere and spends every last dime they have doing it for insert reason here.  As fate would have it, some pretty awful shit happened on that property before they bought the joint...yadda yadda yadda...ghosts start fucking shit up shortly after they've unpacked everything.  So they call two kooky fuckers to come and get rid of the spirits so they can go back to their boring lives.

I think you can probably guess what happens after that.  Overall the movie was meh.  The last 45 minutes was pretty gnarly but the first hour dragged ass.  Worth a watch but wait for the DVD.  So I agreed to go see this movie based on two variables.  Number one: it was based on a true story.  (Side note...if you don't believe in ghosts or some type of demon possession then go fuck yourself.  That shit is real, yo.)  Number two: it was rated R.  Which got me thinking and leads me to this rant:

Fucking piss up a rope if you make a horror movie rated anything other than R.  It's some of the most pointless shit ever.  It's like putting the most perfect set of tits on a girl who smells like rotting boars meat with a face that could curdle milk.  It's non alcoholic beer.  I've seen enough PG-13 horror movies in my lifetime to know that every last one of them is a waste of time and a fucking insult to the horror genre.  Name me a PG-13 horror movie that you actually enjoyed.  Now kill yourself.

Here is my issue.  Horror movies are supposed to be scary.  And gory.  And repulsive.  When you put restrictions on yourself by CHOOSING to make a PG-13 horror movie, you make a conscious decision to water down the product and make it shitty as fuck on purpose.  Every single time.  And fuck you for that.  There's a reason R ratings exist.  So directors can make a sweet horror movie that is done the right way.  Why would you not take advantage of that landscape where everything excluding hard core pornography is considered acceptable and at your disposal?  It's like banging a chick who tells you that NOTHING is off limits and you choose classic missionary.  The possibilities are limitless with what you can do!

Probably the one thing that bothers me the most about a PG-13 horror movie is the lack of swearing.  And I know there is something called suspension of disbelief so please don't fucking lecture me on that.  I took a film class in college too.  But the parts of the movie that are supposed to be somewhat believable...make them fucking believable for the love of God.  In real life if someone is chasing you in the woods trying to murder you with the death kit they're carrying on a belt, I'm pretty sure you're saying "fuck" minimum 50 times while running for safety.  Not whatever useless dialogue that actually goes on in these dumpster fire excuse for horror films.  Or if a ghost is trying to rape you in your sleep, even the holiest of the holy will be lighting up the skies with a gaggle of swears.  Stop cheating us, dammit.

And I know why directors clean it up.  They want to make it teenager friendly so they can flood the theatres with as many mindless bastards as possible.  Horror movies aren't supposed to be teenager friendly, dammit.  They're supposed to mentally scar you.  Today it's all about Hollywood filling their pockets with as many shitty, fraudulent dollars as possible with whatever toxic crap directors pollute the theaters with.  It's not about the consumer and what we want anymore.  It's about making generic, formulaic shit that any kid over the age of 13 can get into so the boys have a venue to try and finger blast whatever young piece of pussy they decided to drag along.  I'm just fucking sick of it.

So that's it.  Fuck PG-13 horror movies for eternity.  That's my official stance and you should share it.  I don't give a sack of fucks how "good" they make it look.  I'll never watch another one.  If you're looking for sports topics today we can talk about how URBZ was too big of a pussy to kick Hyde off the team.  Or we can talk about Von Miller injecting his testicles with steroids and being suspended for the first 4 games this year.  Or Braun being a liar and finally getting busted for roiding it hard core.  And we can always debate if ghosts are real or not.  I'm sure there are some closed minded jackasses on here that don't believe.  $20 says Ace is one of them.

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

U mad bro?

Im typically on your side regarding PG13 with a few exceptions. But all horror movies seem stupid these days, so I dont watch a lot of them.

Fuck Ryan Braun. Anne Frank and Co don't need him.

Hyde is on the team because apparently the security footage refutes the allegations. Also, no charges or arrests. You know, facts.

Im not Stan.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide is not Stan. Stan is a...GHOST!

It's just smart business to make your horror movie PG-13 because only stupid fucking idiot teenagers watch horror movies. Who still watches horror movies? The gays, that's who.

A true story...LOL! The only real ghosts are Ghost Dad and Angels In The Outfield. FACT.

Ah yes, video footage. They need to release that ASAP so we can see the black version of the Snooki punch.

Mr. Ace said...

Insidious, The Ring, The Others, Drag Me To Hell, The Sixth Sense, Exorcism of Emily Rose, Poltergeist, Jaws, Arachniphobia, Tremors... all PG-13 an good horror movies. I'm sure there are more.

You sound like one of those mouth-breather horror fans who loves all The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes. But that can't be the case given your appreciation for The Evil Dead.

I am a huge horror fan and have watched hundreds of terrible horror movies in search of good ones. And they're out there. I hate torture porn movies, those do nothing for me. I lean more towards the paranormal types of movies, but enjoy just about any sub-genre.

The Conjuring was fucking ass. They just crammed The Exorcist, Poltergeist, Amityville Horror, and Child's Play into one movie and added almost no original material. The ending was ass and had zero suspense because YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT BITCH ISN'T GOING TO KILL A CHILD IN A MOVIE LIKE THIS. All the reviews seemed very good for this movie, but it sucked balls.

As for believing in ghosts. First, I find it hilarious that you would call people closed minded for not believing in ghosts. LOLZ. Do you say the same about people who don't believe in Santa Clause or The Boogeyman? Dumb. Second, I don't know if ghosts are real or not and don't pretend to. I will say that I doubt it. I will also say that the idea fascinates me and has led me to watch more videos and read more articles/websites about it then I would care to admit. The Occult World is definitely a crazy place. But peoples be crazy.

The Iceman said...

Horror movies are fucking sweet. Would you rather watch a movie with Channing Tatum clenching his jaw and trying to squeeze out a tear for 2 hours?

I always love when baseball players finally get busted for PEDs. The whole time they're like, "No way, BRAH! Not me! Not a chance!" Then they get pinched and they issue some half assed apology letter to the public. It's the best. It's like all the black dudes that deny the kid until the paternity test comes back. Just like with PEDs...they're always guilty.

I'm not going into details...but ghosts are real. I promise you there is at least one person here that has had a real paranormal experience.

Prime99 said...

How about releasing found video footage of all the Ohio transgressions making it into a Blair Witch type PG-13 horror movie?

The Iceman said...

Ace...You're comparing something that people have actual physical evidence for to fictional characters created by our parents to get us to shut up and go to bed. Don't be dumb. For someone who claims the paranormal fascinates them, you sure do have a pretty closed minded attitude about the whole thing. You probably don't believe aliens exist either...do you, gramps?

Mr. Ace said...

You fucking crazy person. Are you gonna post a bunch of youtube videos as video evidence? Or refer to Ghost Hunters? I am more likely to believe in temporary psychosis than I am personal ghost experience. I don't believe everything I read/watch, I guess that's why I "have a pretty closed minded attitude about the whole thing." Again, not saying ghosts don't exist. Just saying I doubt it for the most part and believe there are alternative explanations for these "paranormal" experiences.

I believe in aliens 100%. Not because of youtube videos. Because the universe is so vast it's unreasonable for their not to be other forms of life out there.

GMoney said...

Tremors is not a PG-13 movie. It is the BEST movie ever made.

Drag Me To Hell starred Kane, right? Had to be a classic.

You absolutely WILL go into details about someone here's pottery class with Patrick Swayze.

GMoney said...

This is a real tin-foil hat type day here. You losers are pathetic.

Mr. Ace said...

Good Horror Movies on Netflix:
Session 9
Stake Land
Absentia
The Cabin in The Woods
Grave Encounters
The Corridor
Blood Creek
Let The Right One In(Great Movie)
Identity
Paranormal Activity 3(Way better than 2)

Drag me to Hell did not star Kane.

Stan has not been allowed to cross over because of his hatred for bullet points. God bless his soul.

GMoney said...

From Hell is the Kane movie. Dammit!

We're going to cleanse our pallets with a food post tomorrow to make up for today's popular topic.

Mr. Ace said...

Is it a ghost themed food post? Or maybe food most likely to cause you to hallucinate or lower your IQ?

Anonymous said...

Is it about things that Slimer would eat? I hope its about things that Slimer would eat.

Drag Me to Hell was a great movie. I'll take 80s horror movies every day of the week.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Ghost chilis. A food Ace is too pussy to eat because he doesn't believe in the paranormal.

I guess it just depends if you're religious, Ace. If you are religious than it makes zero sense to not believe in ghosts.

Drag me to hell was total ass. It doesn't surprise me you guys like that awful movie. Ace likes the paranormal activity series. LULZ. Those movies were worse than Blair Witch.

Prime99 said...

[In Jimmy Vollmer voice] - Ghosts exist because, come on.

GMoney said...

Slimer doesn't eat. He only drinks Ecto Cooler. ELITE reference! Somebody get me a big aluminum can of Hi-C!

GMoney said...

Hey queer, you aren't eat ghost chilis either.

Anonymous said...

Ghost chili's are for pussies. Haitian Scorpion chili's or GTFO.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

"Ghost chilis. A food Ace is too pussy to eat because he doesn't believe in the paranormal." Calling people pussies while saying you believe in evil fairies is quite hilarious, Egon. And no, I will not eat a ghost chili because I value my taste buds.

That's quite the copout. I WANT THIS ACTUAL PHYSICAL EVIDENCE YOU CLAIM.

Drag Me to Hell was good and PG-13.

I'm not a big fan of the Paranormal Activity franchise, but I liked the 3rd one.

Tremors was originally R, but was edited and watered down to be PG-13. And yes, THE BEST.

GMoney said...

Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward were a better tag team than The Legion of Doom.

Anonymous said...

Sources say Soriano to the Yankees is a done deal! The Cubs will be back in contention much sooner than previously expected. Congratulations on getting Julian back to New York G$

Burke

GMoney said...

It's very amusing when Soriano is a huge upgrade to your lineup. Enjoy eating most of his contract and our AAA at best prospect!

Anonymous said...

In Theo we trust

The Iceman said...

"I WANT THIS ACTUAL PHYSICAL EVIDENCE YOU CLAIM"

There are shows out there that have documented proof. There are also shit shows that make a mockery of paranormal activity. You just have to be able to sift through all the bullshit to find the good ones. A task I'm not prepared to do for you because I don't like you that much.

But I will tell you that the show Paranormal Witness is a good place to start. It's self accounts from the actual people that had the paranormal experiences. Some of them have actual photographs and videos of the events. It's basically people telling their story. They aren't trying to push an agenda, they are simply telling their account of what they saw and leaving it up to you to believe or not believe.

I also have an experience of my own. It happened about 2 years ago when I spent the night at the Prospect Place in Trinway, Ohio. I won't get into the details of what happened that night because I wouldn't expect you to believe me anyway. I just know what I saw and heard...and I know I'm not crazy. I suggest getting a group of no more than 3 people and spend the night in the Prospect Place yourself. It isn't far from where you live, Ace. Maybe that will change your mind.

Prime99 said...

Theo and Jed are doing a great job building the Cubs system. Very nice to have them ripping out the weeds that Hendry planted then let grow.

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, so you went to a haunted house hoping to have an experience or see a ghost, correct? That's kind of the whole issue for me with alot of this stuff. When your mind is made up that shit is real and you to a place that supposedly has this real shit happening, then throw in darkness and adrenalin, BOOM PARANORMAL EXPERIENCE! I'm sure people really do hear and see things, but I think there are explanations for them that aren't other worldly.

I have seen all the shows. But TV is in the business of creating viewers and entertainment, not presenting evidence. Again, I find it fascinating and generally enjoy watching shows/movies like that because it does make you think. But I can't get any further than that.

So G$, when are we going to Prospect Place so I can sacrifice you?

GMoney said...

Sorry, I only defile the living. You're on your own with Beetlejuice.

Prime99 said...

Until I hear differently, I'm assuming Ice and friends were possessed and sang Harry Belafonte tunes while dancing around.

The Iceman said...

I understand the concern, Ace. The first time I went, yes...I was going because I wanted to attempt to have a paranormal experience and I heard some funky shit went down at this place. But I also was able to put that aside and do what I could to disprove anything I heard/saw. There were some things that happened that night that I effectively disproved. But there were also things I just could not explain. But after I left I had the same concern that you did...maybe I was trying a little too hard to make this something that it wasn't.

So I went a second time. Nothing. Just a normal stay in an old house with nothing out of the ordinary happening. Like I said...I consider myself a pretty rational person and I know I'm not crazy. And there were definitely some things that happened that first night that I just cannot give a rational explanation to.

The Iceman said...

The thing is...I'm not trying to sell you on anything. I'm just telling you what I experienced. I challenge you to spend the night in this place. It's less than an hour from where you live and last time I checked it was $40 for an overnight stay. Give it a shot and see what happens. At worst you pay $40 for a pretty neat tour of a cool house that has a lot of awersome history to it.