Most people's reaction to seeing Ide naked. The horror...
I haven't gone on a good, healthy, soul cleansing rant in awhile so that's what we'll do today. Also, I know we don't want to put up with
So Sunday night we made the decision to see the hot new horror movie The Conjuring. I'm not sure how many of you have seen the previews but it's a little something like this. Family idiotically moves into a shit house that needs a fuck load of cosmetic work in the middle of nowhere and spends every last dime they have doing it for insert reason here. As fate would have it, some pretty awful shit happened on that property before they bought the joint...yadda yadda yadda...ghosts start fucking shit up shortly after they've unpacked everything. So they call two kooky fuckers to come and get rid of the spirits so they can go back to their boring lives.
I think you can probably guess what happens after that. Overall the movie was meh. The last 45 minutes was pretty gnarly but the first hour dragged ass. Worth a watch but wait for the DVD. So I agreed to go see this movie based on two variables. Number one: it was based on a true story. (Side note...if you don't believe in ghosts or some type of demon possession then go fuck yourself. That shit is real, yo.) Number two: it was rated R. Which got me thinking and leads me to this rant:
Fucking piss up a rope if you make a horror movie rated anything other than R. It's some of the most pointless shit ever. It's like putting the most perfect set of tits on a girl who smells like rotting boars meat with a face that could curdle milk. It's non alcoholic beer. I've seen enough PG-13 horror movies in my lifetime to know that every last one of them is a waste of time and a fucking insult to the horror genre. Name me a PG-13 horror movie that you actually enjoyed. Now kill yourself.
Here is my issue. Horror movies are supposed to be scary. And gory. And repulsive. When you put restrictions on yourself by CHOOSING to make a PG-13 horror movie, you make a conscious decision to water down the product and make it shitty as fuck on purpose. Every single time. And fuck you for that. There's a reason R ratings exist. So directors can make a sweet horror movie that is done the right way. Why would you not take advantage of that landscape where everything excluding hard core pornography is considered acceptable and at your disposal? It's like banging a chick who tells you that NOTHING is off limits and you choose classic missionary. The possibilities are limitless with what you can do!
Probably the one thing that bothers me the most about a PG-13 horror movie is the lack of swearing. And I know there is something called suspension of disbelief so please don't fucking lecture me on that. I took a film class in college too. But the parts of the movie that are supposed to be somewhat believable...make them fucking believable for the love of God. In real life if someone is chasing you in the woods trying to murder you with the death kit they're carrying on a belt, I'm pretty sure you're saying "fuck" minimum 50 times while running for safety. Not whatever useless dialogue that actually goes on in these dumpster fire excuse for horror films. Or if a ghost is trying to rape you in your sleep, even the holiest of the holy will be lighting up the skies with a gaggle of swears. Stop cheating us, dammit.
And I know why directors clean it up. They want to make it teenager friendly so they can flood the theatres with as many mindless bastards as possible. Horror movies aren't supposed to be teenager friendly, dammit. They're supposed to mentally scar you. Today it's all about Hollywood filling their pockets with as many shitty, fraudulent dollars as possible with whatever toxic crap directors pollute the theaters with. It's not about the consumer and what we want anymore. It's about making generic, formulaic shit that any kid over the age of 13 can get into so the boys have a venue to try and finger blast whatever young piece of pussy they decided to drag along. I'm just fucking sick of it.
So that's it. Fuck PG-13 horror movies for eternity. That's my official stance and you should share it. I don't give a sack of fucks how "good" they make it look. I'll never watch another one. If you're looking for sports topics today we can talk about how URBZ was too big of a pussy to kick Hyde off the team. Or we can talk about Von Miller injecting his testicles with steroids and being suspended for the first 4 games this year. Or Braun being a liar and finally getting busted for roiding it hard core. And we can always debate if ghosts are real or not. I'm sure there are some closed minded jackasses on here that don't believe. $20 says Ace is one of them.