Monday, July 15, 2013

Let's Hand Out Some Pointless First Half MLB Awards

DERP!
We're at the unofficial official halfway point in the never-ending story also known as the MLB season.  I was going to spend today looking back at my preseason predictions but then realized that I didn't want to do that.  Cool story, bro!  So I figured that we could just give out some awards for the best and worst performers of the first 90+ games of the 2013 season.  Yay!  Let's do this.

AL MVP - Chris Davis.  It is going to come down to Crush and The Fat Drunk.  I lean toward Crush because I hate the Tigers and home runs mean everything to me.  It comes down to this for me and I say this constantly: the reason why I consider the 1998 Yankees to be the best team ever is because from the first pitch of the season to the final out of the World Series, they kicked everyone's ass.  They didn't flip any switches or mail in weeks.  This is why I don't respect the Tigers.  They fuck around too much.  You could learn a good lesson from the basketball team in Detroit.  Eventually, you can't turn the switch.  Play fucking hard and do what you're supposed to do (clinch the Central by August 30th).
AL LVP - A-Rod.  Ugh, apparently he met with MLB people over the weekend and came away crushed with how much dirt they have on him and he is seeking some sort of a plea deal.  I'm not sure how you plea with a company but centaurs live by different rules.  You can forget about him coming back this year.  That is certain.  Hellraiser can probably go ahead and cut him now.  Not a bad way to spend 27+ million dollars.

NL MVP - Yadier Molina.  He's the best overall player in the National League.  The younger brother of site favorite Jose "Jo(Ho)-Mo" Molina is leading the league in batting average while still being the best defensive player in all of baseball.  If you ever wondered why the Cardinals are always really good and have stud pitching, it is because of him.  FACT.
NL LVP - Matt Kemp.  Dude sucks and eats his own pussy out.  Let's move on.

AL Cy Young - Maximus Scherzer.  He's having a bananas season even though he finally got his first loss on Saturday night.  I believe that he is a free agent at season's end.  That has to be a little bit scary.  I would assume that the Tigers will resign him.  That is another 20 million dollar player on the roster.  Risky business.  Plus, I wouldn't give any money to a man this ugly.
AL Joe Blanton - Justin Verlander.  How can the Joe Blanton Award not go to Joe Blanton?  Easy, when you are an "ace", you shouldn't be getting lit up all the time, walking a ton of people, and striking no one out anymore.  People keep glossing over this shittiness as if it is nothing but he has been bad all year.  He's down to low 90's "heat".  Basically, he is hittable.  Just like Joe Blanton.

NL Cy Young - Clayton Kershaw.  He is the best pitcher in the league.  He has been for awhile.  He will continue to be for years to come.  Unfortunately, his team rarely gives him any run support because they blow.
NL Joe Blanton - Johnny Cueto.  It's hard to kill a guy for being injured but he is their best and has been on the DL thrice already.  If you want to know why the Reds trail the Cards and Buccos by over 5 games, it is because they are missing their best pitcher.  They will flame out again in the postseason unless Cueto gets his shit together.

AL Manager of the Year - Bob Melvin.  I have no idea how the A's keep winning.  It must have a lot to do with Galinski's beard.  I can never hate Oakland because Player X will always be one of my favorites.
AL Bobby Valentine - Mike Scioscia.  You know, I've been one of his biggest defenders for a decade now but it's high time that they fire his ass.  The Angels have been underachieving for far too long.

NL Manager of the Year - Clint Hurdle.  I will believe that the Pirates will fold in the second half again until they prove me wrong.  I'm rooting for them though.  They are the biggest domestic and legal story of the baseball year.
NL Bobby Valentine - Charlie Manual.  It's time for Ozark Lou Brown to go away, too.  The Phillies need to rebuild in a huge way.  I have no idea why they haven't started the fire sale yet.

AL Henry Rowengartner - Marc Krauss.  He is having a pretty crappy start to his MLB career but he is from Henry County and I played sports against his older brothers so he wins!  It also helps that I couldn't remember any other decent rookies in the AL.  He doesn't qualify but I want to mention that Manny Machado is the fucking TROOF.
NL Henry Rowengartner - Yasiel Puig.  PUT HIM ON THE ALL STAR TEAM, MOTHERFUCKA!

I am still sticking with my pick of an Angels/Dodgers World Series.  Magic is going to start wiping his AIDS in the visiting clubhouse and "something about crack" will boost Josh Hamilton and the Angels.  Now without further ado, while you wait for the stupid Home Run Derby to conclude tonight, here are your Celebrity Softball rosters for this evening (my two predictions ended up being 100% right).

American League - Craig Carton (Radio Personality, Bernie Williams (MLB--you are too good for this), Rollie Fingers (MLB), Ashanti (Singer), Rickey Henderson (MLB), Frank Thomas (MLB--you are too good for this), Fred Lynn (MLB), Chord Overstreet (Actor), James Denton (Actor), A.J. Calloway (TV Personality), Gary Valentine (Actor/Comedian), Mallory Hagan (Miss America)

National League - Boomer Esiason (NFL/Radio Personality), John Franco (MLB), Jennie Finch (Softball Player), Mike Piazza NAILED IT (MLB), Darryl Strawberry (MLB), Ozzie Smith (MLB), Dwight Gooden (MLB), Andre Dawson (MLB), Josh Wege (Wounded Warrior), Chris Rock (Actor/Comedian), Kevin James NAILED IT AGAIN(Actor/Comedian), George Lopez (Actor/Comedian)

It should be a tremendous event as usual.  I would bet on the NL.  They are the roster most likely to be coked up and thus running faster.  If baseball isn't your thing, feel free to share your thoughts on Trayvon Martin being legally murdered by that Zimmerman tub of goo.  Our justice system is major LULZ.  Also great: athlete's reactions to this verdict on Twitter.  Why yes, James Harrison, you should go out and start shooting people!  Don't watch the Home Run Derby tonight.  I beg you.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's going to be fun when Miggy catches Davis in HR's and wins back to back triple crowns.

Did you enjoy Verlander's gem yesterday where he had a no-hitter late in the 7th? LOLZ!

Athletes did have very good reactions to Trayvon. White QB's would have been so fucked if there were NFL games on Sunday.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Anyway we can do the DFL draft Aug. 10th? Larry's bachelor party 17th and grogantowne's wedding 24th, have my dates tied up. Plus I need to golf in the columbus area now that I am a native.

Dan, you need to stop calling me out so much and worry about your inabilities as a manager.... and as a husband.

If we do this the 10th I will gather up a golf squad and we can watch Dut destroy the front 10 again!

You are spot on about Cueto.... Reds have no chance unless that vag gets healthy.

----Lange

GMoney said...

Iceman's weddin' is the TENF. Where is Larry's bachelor party? DFL HQ seems like a great place to start it at. God dammit, we're fucked, aren't we?

Jut had a whopping 3 strikeouts which might be a season high. Dude gay.

Roddy White was also a favorite tweeter of mine with him pretty much saying that all cops should be murdered.

Anonymous said...

Derrick Coleman had the greatest tweet about how it was all payback for OJ.

What a great verdict and a great day for America. Justice was served. Big win for the wetbacks too, that's good hustle George! Being black is lolz.

Also of value, big Phil Mickelson hanging dong on the Scots last night. HE ON.

I will take the midseason MVP award for fantasy baseball. Thanks.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I love how everyone instantly became a lawyer as soon as the verdict came down in the Zimmerman case. Lets understand few things:

1. The verdict does not mean George Zimmerman did not kill Trayvon Martin. In fact, the defense admitted this all along.

2. Keep in mind that unless you were in the courtroom for the entire trial or you have been following this case religiously, you have no idea what evidence was presented or not presented. Therefore, your entire opinion is based off the media.

3. The media is biased. This should go without saying. They would do anything to get ratings up, including, but not limited to, portraying a Peurto Rican named George Zimmerman as if he is white.

4. Without going into detail, I am not going to say whether I agree with the jury verdict or not, because I know enough to know that I don't know shit about the evidence. However, with what I do know, I can see how the jury reached its verdict and that it is not an unreasonable conclusion as many would have you believe.



-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

The ROY should be named after Daniel Stern's/Gary Busey's prodigy. Excellent call.

Tim Lincecum threw a no hitter and I'm pretty sure no one cared. How the mighty have fallen.

My fantasy team was on the ropes but as of today, I would make the playoffs. Pretty great turnaround.

GMoney said...

LS is wearing his hood up and eating Skittles today!

Big Time Timmy Jim is back! Not really.

Anonymous said...

Can we talk about how awful Dexter has gotten? God they should cut this last season to 6 episodes and have terrorists bomb Miami. Everyone wins.

The verdict was easy to predict because he had to be guilty without doubt. You can't throw up a racist 17 year old hood rat as your key witness. You can't call the jury stupid in your closing arguments (he told them to use their common sense at least 7 times in a condescending tone). And you damn sure can't select 6 southern white women on a jury. That prosecution was the biggest joke possible. I could make the obvious joke that they were black so probably had public defenders, but Zimmermans guys did open with a knock knock joke.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Facebook and twitter knee jerk reactions are the best. Like LS said...it's fucking hilarious how many people magically have law degrees when shit like this happens. Americans are so fucking stupid a lot of times.

Ray Donovan > Dexter. FACT. Mickey Donovan telling pedophile jokes in a pedophelia rehab meeting last night was about as ELITE as it gets.

GMoney said...

I was hoping to wait until the afternoon to hop on the "Dexter is shit" train but there is no need to delay the inevitable. It is the worst.

On the contrary, you really have to love Jon Voight's character on Ray Donovan. He goes to public libraries to watch music videos of black chicks shaking their ass and makes fun of his son for getting molested by a priest.

Anonymous said...

Really? I gave up on Ray Donovan after last week. Just doesn't look like it has enough stuff to keep it interesting for an entire season. Pro tip: your second episode of your first season can't be not good.

Maybe if it picks up and you awful people enjoy it, I'll give it another try.

Ide

GMoney said...

Show some respect for Ross "The Boss" Rhea.

The Iceman said...

A show centered around a Boston family living in LA that openly hates blacks? I would've bet the farm on Ide being the number one supporter of Ray Donovan. But seriously...show is tits.

Agree about Dexter. It just doesn't have the pop it used to and it just feels like they're struggling to find a plot/way to properly end the show. Is there any doubt it ends with Dexter dying? That's the only way they can end it, right? Although I am enjoying Deb's downward spiral and eventual banging of Elway...the Boondock Saint guy with the plastic face. Not the horse faced former QB with yellow buck teeth.

Brady said...

If Fox News is to be believed, and why shouldn't they (LOL), that verdict was seen coming for a week. I have no idea what evidence was presented or how the witness testimony went but from what I was reading, the prosecution was getting its ass kicked. Burden of proof is a bitch.

Really looking forward to the second half. LOVE being in contention, Tribe isn't going away, Kittens.

GMoney said...

Early prediction for MVP tonight: Rickey Henderson. He seems like he'll try the hardest. This has to be the first Goose Gossage-less softball game in well over a decade. So sad when the legends can't go anymore.

The Iceman said...

Weren't the Indians in first at the Allstar break last year? Remind me again what happened...

Someone should be compiling all of the Indians Facebook posts/Tweets/MoneyShot comments from Cakes so we can do a Cakes So Dumb post when the Indians are officially eliminated from playoff contention in a couple months.

Anonymous said...

"I love how everyone became a lawyer once the verdict was read" great line LS. However, anyone that watched a good portion of that trial realized that the prosecution had very little shot at a conviction. The state had no business charging 2nd degree murder & wasted the taxpayers money because of political pressure from the president, al sharpton, jesse jackson & so forth. There are roughly 20 murders a weekend in chicago that get no mention because its black on black crime.

Celebrity softball is far superior to hr derby & the as game. It is time for Meatloaf to make his triumphant return to the game he made popular.

Buke

Jeff said...

The prosecution royally fucked this trial up. By making statements previously made by Zimmerman part of evidence it allowed him not to have to testify. If he would've had to testify we would've gotten to see him scream and see him reenact the fight instead of a dummy. That would've been LOLS. There's a reason defense attorneys make a lot more money than prosecutors. They are much more talented.

So is the DFL in a lockout this year?

Brady said...

I guess the fact that Cleveland has a World Series winning manager and 12 new players (that's half for the baseball challenged) compared to last years team means nothing. It TOTES makes sense to compare teams that are totally different. Oh, not to mention they have already played their tough part of the schedule and have 30 games against the likes of CHW, MIA, HOU and MIN left on the schedule. Should I keep going? Iceman trying to draw any conclusions from two radically different teams is pathetic.

I'll admit that they have had their issues against the better teams this year. Especially Detroit. Those fuckers have owned the Tribe. The thing is, we beat everyone else and Detroit can't get out of its own way. It doesn't matter if the tribe has a 5 win year against DET if they still win the division. Just get into the playoffs and anything can happen.

Anonymous said...

DFL is going to have to pull an MSFL this year I feel..... However if we do it during the week, the Columbus area folk and whoever wants to come down should go to a bar and do it, like men. I can't wait to get my title back.

----Lange

Anonymous said...

I watched the replay of last years softball game on espn yesterday and Rickey played in that...and was definitely not trying. The MVP will be the wounded warrior guy.

Iceman talking baseball is LOLZ.

The Tribe is only 3 out in the wildcard also, but I think they have a better chance catching the Tigers. Only have to beat one team instead of 5.

Cakes point about the schedule is ELITE. The Tribe is done with the Yankees, Red Sox and Rays. They have three left with the Orioles. This is what will keep them in the race.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

You don't need to know baseball when you know that A) The Tigers are winning that division and B) The Central is rotten and won't have a wild card come out. So everything you just blabbed about up there means jack shit unless you really think the Indians are taking that division. And if you really think that then refer to my previous comment about Cakes So Dumb. This is real life...not the movie Major League. The Indians won't be winning that division.

GMoney said...

Keep in mind that even in Major League, after beating the Yankees in the one game playoff, the Tribe were swept by the White Sox in the ALCS. I know this because Major League 2 told me so. My point is that I have no point except that the best Indians season ever was not even real and they still didn't win a playoff game. Again, absolutely no point was served from posting this comment. ELITE!

It will be a sad day if the DFL has to resort to mid-week online drafting. I was hoping to give Daniel a beating with the fleshlight trophy. Worst commissioner ever.

I don't know shit about the Zimmerman verdict because watching the news is for queers. I do know that Sorkin will probably do some bullshit about it on his terrible show starring a non-pooping Harry Dunn.

Brady said...

Using Iceman's logic, the Indians have the same record at the break as they did in '07 when the team was one game away from the world series. I guess that means the Tribe is a lock for the ALCS. Thanks, Iceman! This kind of rationale is awesome.

Why can't the Indians catch the Tigers? I wasn't aware that 1.5 game lead with 70 to play was insurmountable. Please elaborate.

I had no idea you were such a fan of the Tigers or baseball in general. I'll make sure to personally text you every game instead of throwing up observations on Twitter.

The Iceman said...

I'll be happy to elaborate. The Indians won't catch the Tigers because in the end, talent always wins out. That's basic sports knowledge even 8 year olds can comprehend, Cakes. Cream rises. Are you dumber than an 8 year old, Cakes? Does that simple logic escape your Tom Hamilton jizz encrusted brain? Now tell me the Indians have more talent than the Tigers. Please tell me the Indians have the most talent in the Central....

Anonymous said...

Jeff,

Zimmerman has a 5th amendment right to not testify against himself. It would not have mattered if the prosecution used Zimmerman's statements.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Iceman, let the baby have his bottle. It will only make it more delightful when he realizes a month or so from now that it is filled with urine. You are trying to debate an Ohio Football fan. They have never used logic before and never will.

CAN DUT PLEASE SHOW HIS FAGGOT FACE AROUND HERE AND START MAKING SOME DECISIONS ALREADY. We are running out of time.

Jeff said...

LS, True, but the prosecution would've painted this picture of him to jury that he would've had to defend by testifying. But then again, apparently that prosecution was a couple dopes anyway and I'm not a lawyer, but do think based on the evidence and Florida stand your ground law that the jury got it right (not saying I agree with any of it, well maybe I do).

Jeff said...

Dut will show up when he's finished staring in the next installment of the HBO documentary, Atlantic City Hookers: It Ain't E-Z Being a Ho.

GMoney said...

FACT: Everything ever done in Florida has been wrong. It is the worst state unless you 24/7 swamp ass and if you do please never come back here again.

Jeff said...

Florida has no state tax!!!!!!

The Iceman said...

Colin Cowherd thinks Jeff is a TRANSCENDENT commenter. CEREBRAL, even.

Brady said...

The Tigers have had 2-3 chances to put away this division already. Both times they let the Indians claw back in while losing to teams that are far inferior to them. You can have all the talent in the world but the longer you let teams hang around... I thought I would throw that cliche in there as long as we're using tired sayings such as "talent always wins out".

By the way, that doesn't always hold true in baseball. The wild card team has won the world series a handful of times in the past decade. That's why baseball is awesome. You don't know what is going to happen in a playoff series like you do in the NBA.

My robot challenge was "petsauce". That's oddly disturbing.

GMoney said...

Our petsauce is 100% Money Shot! Gross.

Personally, I don't see the Indians being a real threat but that's because I've been watching baseball for decades. But I'm not rooting against them either. Since there is no chance in Hell that a wild card comes out of the putrid Central then an Indians shocker would mean a LOLZ Tigers collapse. But again, I don't see the Tribe getting to 90 wins (a bare minimum to reach the playoffs in the AL).

The Iceman said...

Well, Cakes. Using your logic the Tigers have 70 more chances to bury the Indians. Like they do every year. Because they have more talent. Significantly more talent. Just like every year.

Brady said...

The Tigers have Fielder and Cabrera in the middle of their lineup. That is better than the Indians and better than anybody in baseball. Other than that, the talent gap isn't very impressive. I like our chacnes.

The Iceman said...

The gap isn't that big. The entire world outside of Cleveland thinks differently. But what do baseball reporters know? They only do this for a living and aren't on the same unbiased level as the Cleveland fan.

GMoney said...

Cakes is a fucking moron. I have never been more certain of anything.

Brady said...

That IMPRESSIVE talent gap has gotten them a 1.5 game lead. AWESOME!!!!