AL MVP - Chris Davis. It is going to come down to Crush and The Fat Drunk. I lean toward Crush because I hate the Tigers and home runs mean everything to me. It comes down to this for me and I say this constantly: the reason why I consider the 1998 Yankees to be the best team ever is because from the first pitch of the season to the final out of the World Series, they kicked everyone's ass. They didn't flip any switches or mail in weeks. This is why I don't respect the Tigers. They fuck around too much. You could learn a good lesson from the basketball team in Detroit. Eventually, you can't turn the switch. Play fucking hard and do what you're supposed to do (clinch the Central by August 30th).
AL LVP - A-Rod. Ugh, apparently he met with MLB people over the weekend and came away crushed with how much dirt they have on him and he is seeking some sort of a plea deal. I'm not sure how you plea with a company but centaurs live by different rules. You can forget about him coming back this year. That is certain. Hellraiser can probably go ahead and cut him now. Not a bad way to spend 27+ million dollars.
NL MVP - Yadier Molina. He's the best overall player in the National League. The younger brother of site favorite Jose "Jo(Ho)-Mo" Molina is leading the league in batting average while still being the best defensive player in all of baseball. If you ever wondered why the Cardinals are always really good and have stud pitching, it is because of him. FACT.
NL LVP - Matt Kemp. Dude sucks and eats his own pussy out. Let's move on.
AL Cy Young - Maximus Scherzer. He's having a bananas season even though he finally got his first loss on Saturday night. I believe that he is a free agent at season's end. That has to be a little bit scary. I would assume that the Tigers will resign him. That is another 20 million dollar player on the roster. Risky business. Plus, I wouldn't give any money to a man this ugly.
AL Joe Blanton - Justin Verlander. How can the Joe Blanton Award not go to Joe Blanton? Easy, when you are an "ace", you shouldn't be getting lit up all the time, walking a ton of people, and striking no one out anymore. People keep glossing over this shittiness as if it is nothing but he has been bad all year. He's down to low 90's "heat". Basically, he is hittable. Just like Joe Blanton.
NL Cy Young - Clayton Kershaw. He is the best pitcher in the league. He has been for awhile. He will continue to be for years to come. Unfortunately, his team rarely gives him any run support because they blow.
NL Joe Blanton - Johnny Cueto. It's hard to kill a guy for being injured but he is their best and has been on the DL thrice already. If you want to know why the Reds trail the Cards and Buccos by over 5 games, it is because they are missing their best pitcher. They will flame out again in the postseason unless Cueto gets his shit together.
AL Manager of the Year - Bob Melvin. I have no idea how the A's keep winning. It must have a lot to do with Galinski's beard. I can never hate Oakland because Player X will always be one of my favorites.
AL Bobby Valentine - Mike Scioscia. You know, I've been one of his biggest defenders for a decade now but it's high time that they fire his ass. The Angels have been underachieving for far too long.
NL Manager of the Year - Clint Hurdle. I will believe that the Pirates will fold in the second half again until they prove me wrong. I'm rooting for them though. They are the biggest domestic and legal story of the baseball year.
NL Bobby Valentine - Charlie Manual. It's time for Ozark Lou Brown to go away, too. The Phillies need to rebuild in a huge way. I have no idea why they haven't started the fire sale yet.
AL Henry Rowengartner - Marc Krauss. He is having a pretty crappy start to his MLB career but he is from Henry County and I played sports against his older brothers so he wins! It also helps that I couldn't remember any other decent rookies in the AL. He doesn't qualify but I want to mention that Manny Machado is the fucking TROOF.
NL Henry Rowengartner - Yasiel Puig. PUT HIM ON THE ALL STAR TEAM, MOTHERFUCKA!
I am still sticking with my pick of an Angels/Dodgers World Series. Magic is going to start wiping his AIDS in the visiting clubhouse and "something about crack" will boost Josh Hamilton and the Angels. Now without further ado, while you wait for the stupid Home Run Derby to conclude tonight, here are your Celebrity Softball rosters for this evening (my two predictions ended up being 100% right).
American League - Craig Carton (Radio Personality, Bernie Williams (MLB--you are too good for this), Rollie Fingers (MLB), Ashanti (Singer), Rickey Henderson (MLB), Frank Thomas (MLB--you are too good for this), Fred Lynn (MLB), Chord Overstreet (Actor), James Denton (Actor), A.J. Calloway (TV Personality), Gary Valentine (Actor/Comedian), Mallory Hagan (Miss America)
National League - Boomer Esiason (NFL/Radio Personality), John Franco (MLB), Jennie Finch (Softball Player), Mike Piazza NAILED IT (MLB), Darryl Strawberry (MLB), Ozzie Smith (MLB), Dwight Gooden (MLB), Andre Dawson (MLB), Josh Wege (Wounded Warrior), Chris Rock (Actor/Comedian), Kevin James NAILED IT AGAIN(Actor/Comedian), George Lopez (Actor/Comedian)
It should be a tremendous event as usual. I would bet on the NL. They are the roster most likely to be coked up and thus running faster. If baseball isn't your thing, feel free to share your thoughts on Trayvon Martin being legally murdered by that Zimmerman tub of goo. Our justice system is major LULZ. Also great: athlete's reactions to this verdict on Twitter. Why yes, James Harrison, you should go out and start shooting people! Don't watch the Home Run Derby tonight. I beg you.