Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Johnny Fuck Face


 "The pressure is TOTES getting to me you guys...after I POSE FOR THIS SWEET PHOTO OPP!!!"



I considered live blogging the Home Run Derby tonight but after careful thought didn't care to watch Prince Fielder sweat out thirty pounds of bacon grease on the field.  And after Cakes' round of moronic comments yesterday, I figured we needed a break from baseball.  Now that I think about it...I should probably do an NBA post in order to chase Cakes away and save him from himself or punish him for being a dipshit.  The Indians aren't that far behind the Tigers in talent...what a fuckin boob.   But I'm not going to do that either.  Because the only NBA subject I can think of is a post about how badly I want Rajon Rondo on the Pistons despite how big of a twat crotch he is.  So I landed on college football on the heels of a pretty decent sized story from yesterday.

Remember last season when the entire world was dragging their dicks through broken glass for the chance to suck the penis head of Johnny Manziel?  Yeah...me too.  It was fucking annoying as shit and impossible to forget.  And I proudly, openly hated him from day one.  Well, Ol' Johnny Numb Nuts is at it again.  But we'll get into that a little later.  First let's recap the colorful history of everyone's favorite SEC gay boy.

In the summer of 2012, Manziel was arrested for being a 19 year old drunk prick and hanging out with inbred, racist southerners.  But in cop terms the charge was disorderly conduct, failure to identify and possession of a fictitious drivers license.  I guess Manziel's buddy called some guy an N-word and he came over with intentions to kick the fucking tar out of him.  Deservedly so and a vaginal slap fight ensued.  When Manziel was approached by the cops he did the brilliant jackass thing and gave the cop his fake ID.  I mean...it's not like these guys are FUCKING TRAINED to spot fake IDs or anything!  Crazy that he was caught and spent the night in jail...

After winning the Heisman trophy, Manziel famously said he would be taking online classes because the pressure and attention of being the Heisman trophy winner was making it hard for him to focus on school.  First of all...fucking fist yourself.  The PRESSURE?!?!  Yeah man.  So much pressure having professors making sure you stay eligible so they're not the ones responsible for you not being on the field.  So much pressure fighting off hot southern chicks on the way to English class who would fillet their own tit with a butter knife for a chance to deep throat your 19 year old baby dick for eight seconds.  Second of all...if you don't want the attention, don't sit courtside at NBA games.  Or let drunk, horny co-eds climb all over you in Cabo like a jungle gym.  Or let those pictures ooze onto Twitter.  Or hang out with Justin Timberlake and Rob Gronkowski.  Or be a total fucking media whore.  How about that?  Or does all that shit make too much sense?

A few months ago in May, he shoved a graduate assistant to the ground after the coach gave John shovel fulls of shit for tossing his 3rd pick in a team scrimmage.  But to be fair a GA isn't a real coach and shouldn't be respected.  They are the Kevin Miliuses of the college ranks.  But to be more fair it was a total BRAH move that a zit faced 20 year old shit stain punk has no business pulling.

Next, this past June young Johnathan tweeted some crotchety statement about this shit is the reason why he couldn't wait to get out of College Station.  Then of course damage control within the University took over and he removed the Tweet.  He claims the outburst was about some parking ticket on campus.  But we all know it was definitely something else.  It's no secret this anal wart comes from money.  You know...since he's owned TWO FUCKING MERCEDES SINCE HIGH SCHOOL!!  So I'm pretty damn sure that a $50 parking ticket would be something thing he would figuratively or literally wipe his golden asshole with.  Not have it be the subject of a cunty Tweet.  Whatever the real story behind the Tweet was, I'm sure it was way more diva-ish than a measly parking ticket.  It was probably something more like the Wal-Mart in College Station stopped carrying his brand of tampon.

And finally we come full circle to the latest in the drama filled saga of Johnny High Maintenance.  Apparently this past weekend he was instructed by Archie Manning to leave a football camp for kids he was asked to participate in because he was hung over.  You can read the whole story here.  Everyone is saying that he was dismissed because of an illness yet was seen partying his 20 year old balls off the night before with Alabama heart throb A.J. McCarron.  Then was seen again Saturday night, after being dismissed for being sick earlier in the day, out at a popular night club.  But the Manning's are still saying it was because he was "ill" and not because he felt like a hungover jar of mangled dicks.  Yeah...I'm usually pretty ill on weekends too.  It's crazy how that always happens after 15 beers and whatever shot is being put in front of my drunk fucking face.  I'm sure the two aren't related in any way.  Total coincidence.

So can we all start hating this fuck face now?  Can we unite under this common ground and officially wish horrible things on Johnny Jerk Off?  I figured you all would already despise this queer because he plays in the SEC but apparently not.  Now he's hacking up loogies and spitting them in the face of God after all of the solids this kid has been thrown in life.  How much fucking easier do you need it to be, man?  There is nothing worse than a spoiled rich kid acting like a sour bitch all the God damn time.  I fucking hate this guy to my core.  You should too.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

This kid is definitely a big faggot and I think he is going to have an amazing sideline meltdown at some point this season.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I'm on board. Fuck him.

The Iceman said...

We've got 2. Who's gonna be the one here who defends this anus? It'll be so much fun watching Johnny Shit Licker suck ass this year. He's not going to have a good season. Book it.

GMoney said...

I don't understand all the hate. He plays the position in a way that the black man has perfected over the years and has reclaimed it for all whites. Nah, just kidding, he's a skidmark.

Dehydration! That is the most Lindsay Lohan excuse for being a fuck-up ever because that is actually an excuse that she has used.

My only problem here is fucking Mort who was on Mike and Mike this morning to talk about this. He said that he was at the camp on Saturday and some father and young daughter asked him where Johnny was at. Mort told them that he went home early. The little girl then started bawling. OK, this TOTES never happened, Mort. This is a lie. Manziel gives you enough ammo to ruin his character for everyone, don't start making up dumb shit. And learn how to pronounce COLTS. It is not COATS.

I could see how one would shit all over Peyton but how could he do that to the superior Eli!!!

I'd say that odds are 50/50 that John Football gets suspended at some point this season before becoming the greatest 4th round draft pick in bust history.

Mr. Ace said...

If it wasn't for the spoiled, rich kid part I Would love him. I don't give any fucks if a 19 or 20 year old is out partying it up. I would hope that he is banging as much poon as he can and taking all the free drinks at the same time. When it comes to his nighttime escapades, DON'T CARE. And I know people who have gotten away with giving a fake ID to the cops, we all would have done the same if we were a drunken 19 year old.

As for the Manning camp, do you know how hard the Manning's partied in college? It was a different time so the stories and pics didn't come out like they do today, but they are definitely out there. Pey Pey dropped his fucking taint in a female trainers mouth, and he was sober for that. So I laugh at the idea that the Manning's are some golden boy football royalty. And I think Peyton felt the same way from the commments he gave about the situation.

My beef with him is being a fucking cunt. You have lived your life with a silver spoon and have the world by the balls right now, stop fucking complaining. Nobody will feel sorry for you.

If you're a gambling man, that TAMU under 9.5 total wins line looks pretty good right now.

Anonymous said...

I would love to hear more of these Manning drinking stories.

Never liked this guy. I basically loathe anyone ESPN tells me I should like. That said, he WILL be on the Browns when he comes out.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Hey queerbates, can I have your attention for one second? Thanks.

WHO THE FUCK IS STAYING IN THE MSFL? I SENT OUT AN EMAIL THROUGH THE LEAGUE TODAY. I HAVE RECEIVED INTEREST FROM AT LEAST 3 PEOPLE WHO ARE LOOKING TO JOIN. SO IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE YOUR FAVORITE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE'S FAVORITE FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE THEN LETS MAKE IT OFFICIAL. AS OF RIGHT NOW HERE IS THE WAIT LIST FOR THE MSFL:
1. NATE B
2. SEAL

SO IF TWO CLOWNS STEP DOWN WE HAVE TWO PEOPLE WHO WILL ACTUALLY GIVE A FUCK.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PUT YOUR NAME ON THE WAITING LIST, THIS IS THE TIME.

-PEACE OUT FUDGEPACKERS.

Anonymous said...

If Tate Forcier was actually really good at football he would have been just as big of a faggot as Manziel is. Instead he's terrible and tries to kill himself....which is LOLZ worthy.

--Drew

Jeff said...

ESPN must have cut Ole Johnny a deal. If he keeps being a jerkoff and stays in the headlines, they will pay him nicely to star in the next 30 for 30 documentary because he has no shot in the league.

The Iceman said...

I stated in the comments last Friday I was still in. Get the Manziel spooge out of your eyes and read. I've improved two spots every year I've been in the MSFL. Look for me to capture 7th this year. Not bad for a gay ass PPR league.

GMoney said...

You've got to give him a little credit though...he is slaying so much choice ass. It is exactly what all of us would do and then some if we had his talent/pizza face.

And I'll defend him for one thing: getting a parking ticket is infuriating. Getting towed is worse, but that ticket is shit.

More Tate Forcier references please! Still the most LOL post ever written here. Ape's legacy is terrific.

Anonymous said...

I love him because I love everything that is the SEC.

Kidding... this guy is a tool. But some of that hate from all of us has to be a little jealousy. Plowing any 19-22 year old college ass obviously makes anyone jealous. BUT dude needs to get a clue - you aren't RG3 (mostly because you bang female college ass, not male).

Can't say I hate the athlete that he is though - fun to watch.

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

Iceman takes everything so personal. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, BRIDEZILLA!

Tater got me good. I was forced into that post. Never forget.

Jeff said...

correction, you were *FORCIED into that post.

Prime99 said...

You can't have the MSFL without the World's Champion! For all you black people out there- Hershel Walker is a pretty big deal- but he's not the champ! WOOOOOO!!!

Johnny Football < Johnny Cakes

It will be funny Mr. Football is way worse than Timmy Tens in the NFL.

May the Forcier be with you, Ace.

Brady said...

I kind of enjoy reading about Manziels nights out. He is living the American dream. If I was in the position he was, I would probably be dead under a pile of co-eds and blow.

The "dehydration" excuse was fucking hilarious. Why even try and pull damage control on that? Nobody believed that story. Just say you got lit up like a christmas tree the night before and chose to break the hearts of those kids in favor of dominating the couch. I would have WAY more respect for him if that was the public statement.

The one thing I can't stand is why he hangs out with AJ McCarron. That guy seems like a grade A douchebag. Nice tattoo, bro.

Don't be mad I won our baseball arguement, Ice. You're just a little out of your league. It would be like me trying to break down the triangle offense.

The Iceman said...

Getting parking tickets isn't that bad. They're issued by campus parking dildos so it's more of a suggestion rather than a rule that you have to pay them. I'm sure I still have mountains of unpaid parking tickets on record at BGSU. It's been 10 years and I still haven't heard from them. And if I did I still wouldn't pay them. I certainly wouldn't Tweet about how bullshit they are. It's not like he's paying them anyway. Since when is he so passionate about wasting mommy and daddy's money on a horse shit parking ticket? I'm sure he blows way more of his parents money at a bar getting lit to the fucking nines.

A list of people who think Cakes won that argument yesterday:

Cakes
Tom Hamilton
Cakes' dogs

GMoney said...

RG3 is apparently in some sort of scandal for plowing a busty lass from Hooters (you may know it as Dut's preferred eatery). STR8!

Nice Johnny Cakes reference. That was an interesting Sopranos story. You've got to love Vito being found dead with a pool cue stuck up his ass though.

What a great celebrity softball game that was last night! Damman, Burke, and I were texting back and forth but my feelings are:
*Kevin James is a goddamn lard ass who had no business winning the MVP. He won it because he slid head first in a softball game and has a movie in theaters. That's it.
*It should have went to Jennie Finch. Giving up only 5 runs in a softball game is ELITE. Plus I like the way that she looks.
*Bernie Williams is a terrible manager. Rollie Fingers should not be playing first (2 errors) and Frank Thomas should not be pitching (does not how to pitch softballs---YOU NEED LOFT!). Cost the AL the game.
*Good to see the guy from Glee out there and not caring about his co-star who OD'ed over the weekend.
*Somehow, Daryl Strawberry was the worst player on the field and that includes Ashanti and Miss America.
*I still miss Gary Thorne. John Anderson is fine, but Thorny is the best.
*James Denton has now played in 9 straight games despite not being a celebrity at all. He went yard last night. Denton rules.

Mr. Ace said...

RG3 going double beard? Bold move.

GMoney said...

Dut just told me that the DFL Draft will be on a random Wednesday at 8:30 pm. Let's kick him out of his league.

Brady said...

"RG3 going double beard? Bold move"

I'm fucking dying after that one!

I didn't see any of the softball game or the HR derby. Season 2 of Dragons isn't going to watch itself so I just kept tabs on Twitter. You have to take this opportunity to catch up on DVR when there are no Windian games on.

Iceman, saying "talent wins out" over and over, comparing completely different teams and saying the Indians always lose aren't solid arguments.

Jeff said...

FDFL, Fuck Dut Fantasy League

Anonymous said...

Ugh, Dut is the worst.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Cakes having faith in a team that lets him down year after year is all the reason I need to know I dominated tht argument. I can't wait until the end of the season so I can do a post of just Cakes Indians comments.

GMoney said...

I like Dut. He runs a league that is very easy to win. But goddamn does he need to put on his big boy pants when it comes to playing cummish. Canceling pre-draft golf is a deportable offense. And don't get me started on Jeff and Larry planning bachelor parties and weddings during FF draft season.

Dut pretty much runs the JFL now. That league was the worst.

This whole situation is worse than having to lick Manziel's forehead.

Jeff said...

GTFO, I avoided all football game days! I'm getting this shit over with and this was the soonest possible date to get everything in order if I didn't want to wait until next year. A good commish would have the draft schedules many months in advance.

GMoney said...

June and/or July and/or early August, asshole. That is what those monfs are for. That is a 75 day window to celebrate your true love. You screwed up big time, Jeff, and now I'm not so sure that we can ever be bros again. We certainly can never be BRAHs.

Jeff said...

Engaged the end of March, wedding end of August. Logistics, son.

The Iceman said...

Jeff did it right. Anything longer than a 6 month engagement is for the birds.

GMoney said...

I was engaged for like 18 months and everyone knows how ELITE I am. "Very" is the answer to how ELITE I am.

By the way, I am furious that you used asterisks in the post title as if this were the 1998 Home Run chase. Johnny Fuck Face has much more cache than what you used.

The Iceman said...

I thought you said keep the titles clean-ish. Well now that I know that....

The Iceman said...

Fixed it. Like Billy Ripken's Fleer rookie card.

Fun fact: My dad owns that card.

GMoney said...

Some day soon we will be talking baseball cards. That is a goddamn FACT. Just as soon as I get my George Lopez rookie card.

I probably did say to keep it clean-ish. Manziel's recent behavior is an OBVZ exception to the rule.

Anonymous said...

James Denton's tombstone will obviously read 9 time celebrity softball participant. He is the Fred Lynn of D- celebrities. That softball game gets better every year. The National League's supremacy was evident in the game last night. Gary Thorne's dulcet tones are definitely missed. Denton!

Burke

Mr. Ace said...

I found comc.com awhile back when I was trying to figure out the value of some of my cards, or at least what others are selling them for. I have a Yastrzemski rookie card that is worth a whopping $30. And a Mantle '60 World Series card worth just a little more. Mel's Sports Shop got soooo much money from me growing up.

Is Grumpy officially out of the MSFL?

Anonymous said...

I'm sick of hearing about Johnny Manziel. The guy likes to party. So do I and most of you. Who gives a shit?

I got away with giving a cop commenter Hellraiser's ID when I was in Tempe for the 2006 Sugar Bowl. I was 20 at the time and got caught jay walking over a 10 lane highway. The reason I was jaywalking is because commenter Lange and I hitchhiked and got in the bed of a truck with 10 mexicans. They dropped us off on the wrong side of the road for some reason. Lange ran away like a bitch when the cops came. I had to roll the dice with the fake ID because I was on probation for using a fake ID at a bar. If I would have given him my real ID I would have gone to jail. I'm a bit embarrassed that I passed as Hellraiser, but it was worth it in the end.

Too many people in my league have lives/live in other cities to hold it on a Friday/Saturday. I don't see the difference in having it on a week day because most people bolt right afterwards.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Commenter Daniel is officially out of the MSFL. Nate B has been invited. Once Grump is confirmed to be out I will invite Seal.

Brady said...

Baseball cards! Now we're talking my language. I have an ELITE collection of tobacco cards to go along with my Banks rookie and numerous others that are way better than whatever you fucks have.

I worked for one of the best dealers in the country all through high school and parts of college. I even worked the National Card Convention a few times which is one of the saddest/best places on earth. I had an ELITE run-in with Marty Cordova and Spike Lee one year! Damn, should've wrote about that during guest post week.

Although, probably should've sold before the great card crash of a few years ago.

The Iceman said...

Grump already confirmed through email he's out. Get Seal's ass in so someone else can finish last.

I did some digging with my card collection too, Ace. The value of cards today compared to when we bought them is total shit. For example...I had a Mark McGwire USA card in mint condition that was worth about 2-4K back in the 80's and 90's. Now you can buy one for like $20. I also have about 10 David Robinson Hoops rookie cards. When those came out the asking price was about $100. Now you can score one for $10. The reality of card collections today is that our great great grandkids are going to be the ones that cash in on these collections. Not us.

GMoney said...

You guys are the fucking worst. BASEBALL CARDS AT A LATER DATE.

Daniel and Grump OUT. Makes sense as this as a straight man only league. Congrats on DOMA, homos.

GMoney said...

Too many people in my league have lives/live in other cities to hold it on a Friday/Saturday. I don't see the difference in having it on a week day because most people bolt right afterwards.

Oh fuck you. Have lives my ass. If you can't carve out 3-4 hours on an August weekend then you shouldn't be in a fantasy football league. Nice league, Joe. Way to let terrible franchises control the league. Listen to Lange and I. We are the only two members in the league whose opinion should matter.

IMPEACH DUT.

Nate said...

To expand on the 2006 Fiesta Bowl story re: Hellraiser's ID...


Dut and I are going to will call. Dut was able to buy HR's tickets from him, but needed to pass off as HR at the booth to receive the tickets. Ultimate gamble that if lost, would have resulted in Dut not getting to go to the NC game.

So Dut and I get to the booth, and Dut presents the ID. There is absolutely no doubt to the booth operator that Dut and HR are the same person.

Come my turn, I am actually questioned whether I am who I say I am after I actually present my real ID.

Long story short - Dut looks more like hellraiser than I do myself.


Mr. Ace said...

Nate B and Seal are IN!!! THAT'S HOW YOU DO FUCKING BUSINESS, DUT!

Anonymous said...

Fun fact: I also have that Billy Ripken fuck face card.

Dut, you are wrong. You set the date early ebough in advance and thats that. May is early enough for this. Got a wedding? No prob. You planned in May so you can change weekend. Girlfriends dads birthday, get fucked. Youve ran this league a long time. Men know what the fuck this is! Hell you had it in July once. That was awful but still a great time.

Ide

Terrence said...

This is cool!