"The pressure is TOTES getting to me you guys...after I POSE FOR THIS SWEET PHOTO OPP!!!"
I considered live blogging the Home Run Derby tonight but after careful thought didn't care to watch Prince Fielder sweat out thirty pounds of bacon grease on the field. And after Cakes' round of moronic comments yesterday, I figured we needed a break from baseball. Now that I think about it...I should probably do an NBA post in order to chase Cakes away and save him from himself or punish him for being a dipshit. The Indians aren't that far behind the Tigers in talent...what a fuckin boob. But I'm not going to do that either. Because the only NBA subject I can think of is a post about how badly I want Rajon Rondo on the Pistons despite how big of a twat crotch he is. So I landed on college football on the heels of a pretty decent sized story from yesterday.
Remember last season when the entire world was dragging their dicks through broken glass for the chance to suck the penis head of Johnny Manziel? Yeah...me too. It was fucking annoying as shit and impossible to forget. And I proudly, openly hated him from day one. Well, Ol' Johnny Numb Nuts is at it again. But we'll get into that a little later. First let's recap the colorful history of everyone's favorite SEC gay boy.
In the summer of 2012, Manziel was arrested for being a 19 year old drunk prick and hanging out with inbred, racist southerners. But in cop terms the charge was disorderly conduct, failure to identify and possession of a fictitious drivers license. I guess Manziel's buddy called some guy an N-word and he came over with intentions to kick the fucking tar out of him. Deservedly so and a vaginal slap fight ensued. When Manziel was approached by the cops he did the brilliant jackass thing and gave the cop his fake ID. I mean...it's not like these guys are FUCKING TRAINED to spot fake IDs or anything! Crazy that he was caught and spent the night in jail...
After winning the Heisman trophy, Manziel famously said he would be taking online classes because the pressure and attention of being the Heisman trophy winner was making it hard for him to focus on school. First of all...fucking fist yourself. The PRESSURE?!?! Yeah man. So much pressure having professors making sure you stay eligible so they're not the ones responsible for you not being on the field. So much pressure fighting off hot southern chicks on the way to English class who would fillet their own tit with a butter knife for a chance to deep throat your 19 year old baby dick for eight seconds. Second of all...if you don't want the attention, don't sit courtside at NBA games. Or let drunk, horny co-eds climb all over you in Cabo like a jungle gym. Or let those pictures ooze onto Twitter. Or hang out with Justin Timberlake and Rob Gronkowski. Or be a total fucking media whore. How about that? Or does all that shit make too much sense?
A few months ago in May, he shoved a graduate assistant to the ground after the coach gave John shovel fulls of shit for tossing his 3rd pick in a team scrimmage. But to be fair a GA isn't a real coach and shouldn't be respected. They are the Kevin Miliuses of the college ranks. But to be more fair it was a total BRAH move that a zit faced 20 year old shit stain punk has no business pulling.
Next, this past June young Johnathan tweeted some crotchety statement about this shit is the reason why he couldn't wait to get out of College Station. Then of course damage control within the University took over and he removed the Tweet. He claims the outburst was about some parking ticket on campus. But we all know it was definitely something else. It's no secret this anal wart comes from money. You know...since he's owned TWO FUCKING MERCEDES SINCE HIGH SCHOOL!! So I'm pretty damn sure that a $50 parking ticket would be something thing he would figuratively or literally wipe his golden asshole with. Not have it be the subject of a cunty Tweet. Whatever the real story behind the Tweet was, I'm sure it was way more diva-ish than a measly parking ticket. It was probably something more like the Wal-Mart in College Station stopped carrying his brand of tampon.
And finally we come full circle to the latest in the drama filled saga of Johnny High Maintenance. Apparently this past weekend he was instructed by Archie Manning to leave a football camp for kids he was asked to participate in because he was hung over. You can read the whole story here. Everyone is saying that he was dismissed because of an illness yet was seen partying his 20 year old balls off the night before with Alabama heart throb A.J. McCarron. Then was seen again Saturday night, after being dismissed for being sick earlier in the day, out at a popular night club. But the Manning's are still saying it was because he was "ill" and not because he felt like a hungover jar of mangled dicks. Yeah...I'm usually pretty ill on weekends too. It's crazy how that always happens after 15 beers and whatever shot is being put in front of my drunk fucking face. I'm sure the two aren't related in any way. Total coincidence.
So can we all start hating this fuck face now? Can we unite under this common ground and officially wish horrible things on Johnny Jerk Off? I figured you all would already despise this queer because he plays in the SEC but apparently not. Now he's hacking up loogies and spitting them in the face of God after all of the solids this kid has been thrown in life. How much fucking easier do you need it to be, man? There is nothing worse than a spoiled rich kid acting like a sour bitch all the God damn time. I fucking hate this guy to my core. You should too.