Monday, July 08, 2013

Guest Post: Drew Befriended Some Real Winners

This guy provided Drew with nuclear warheads...and camels.
I'm sure everyone has stories about their college friends....with some friends having way more stories about them. Well, here are stories on two friends....

Friend #1 -- Dave

Dave was one of my roommates for the three years we lived on 16th and is still one of my best friends. He's a lawyer now.

So, one late night Dave and I decided to go to La Bamba to get some food. On the walk back I still had some nachos left and Dave started talking some shit to me about my beer pong game. For some reason my natural reaction was to just dump all of my remaining nachos onto Dave's head. This resulted in Dave having to take a real drunk shower when we got back and for some reason I told him he should go next door to play some beer pong........nude. This idea sounds real good to Dave and next thing you know he's walking next door in nothing but his New Balances on demanding to play beer pong. Once the initial shock wore off he was granted some nude drunken beer pong games. This kicked off what was later termed the "Naked Dave" phase.....Dave routinely began walking around our three house stretch naked when he got shitfaced. I think the funniest time was one Sunday night when Dave had drank all day long down at OU and got driven back up to Columbus. Our neighbors would have people over every Sunday night to watch The Sopranos due to their stadium style seating. The Sopranos group watch would have plenty of our friends that were girls...and being Sunday night everyone was usually pretty sober due to school the next day. Well, the show is about to start and then all of a sudden shitfaced Naked Dave stumbles through the door and tries to take a seat on the couch next to some girls despite their horror. I believe he was kicked out that night and sent home.

The second thing about Dave was that he pissed his bed at least 200 times in college. This is no exaggeration. He went through three or four mattresses and would usually just end up sleeping on couch cushions and a blanket on his floor to try and save his mattress. We went up to Ann Arbor for the Michigan game one year and stayed with my buddies. We were drinking all night long and staying up through the night until Dave got real drunk and passed out. We warned them numerous times...he's gonna piss himself....you don't want him on the couch...he's gonna piss himself. They did not believe that this was going to happen until around 6a.m. we were looking at him passed out in a chair and could just watch his jeans getting darker and wet with his urine. They were believers then.

Friend #2 -- Haider

I wouldn't label Haider as a true friend as more of a true acquaintance. I don't remember how Haider entered our lives, but he entered it around our Junior years and he stayed. Haider wasn't an OSU student...but, he was a filthy rich Pakistani guy that routinely came over to our place to drink his face off. Haider was married to a local Columbus girl....her Dad was president of a big bank....and Haider enjoyed getting really, really drunk. Haider would tell stories about how his Dad is some Textile Kingpin in Pakistan and really high in their government too. He claimed to own a bunch of hotels in America as well. Haider drove ridiculous cars....would routinely take us out to dinners at places like Smith and Wollensky and pick up the bills of course...if I went somewhere to go to an OSU game then Haider would call a hotel and get me comp’d so I'd stay for free.....he'd also bring over the biggest bottles of Grey Goose you have ever seen EVERY single time he came over to party...and he would just leave the leftovers if there were any.

Haider definitely was a bit odd though. He had a bit of a temper and he would finish lots of statements with the word "fucking" in his Pakistani accent. So, he would say things like "We going to get fucked up on the Grey Goose focking".

Toward the end of our Senior years, people were getting jobs, Haider made a decent push to try and get me to work for him. The only problem...he really couldn't tell me what I'd be doing exactly and working for Haider just did not seem like a smart decision for the first real job after college. I stayed in contact with Haider for a year or two after college, but probably haven't spoken with him in seven years or so. One of my buddies did stay in contact with Haider and sat courtside with him in Miami at a Heat game this past year.

While this doesn't seem all that interesting of a story, I got a good update as to what Haider was up to the other day.........on the front page of the Columbus Dispatch.....Haider's been a bad boy....

G$ - THANKS, Drewser!  Good topic...those unsavory characters that you hung around with in college!  I've got one that I'll share in the comments later.  And if anyone wants to tell stories from Big Strut's interesting wedding then go for that, too.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

I bet most people had a bed wetter of a friend in college....just not to the extent I did. Iceman probably was that guy for his friends.

Only Haider update I have is that he supposedly has hired basically the most expensive lawyer in Columbus to defend him.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Drew is going to be implicated. I can feel it.

GMoney said...

Oh sweet, he's being represented by Kevin Kurgis!

I know of a bed wetter who lived with Big Strut and -Rex etc.

My freshman dorm roommate was a nice enough guy from STL and since we had the same name, asked everyone to call him Mick due to his Irish heritage. Except that he was REALLY in the IRA. He would constantly stream news reports from overseas and swear about the British and their tyrannical ways. He went on to be President of the Irish-American Club at MU a few years later. I am 100% certain that he is a terrorist with more than a few redcoat scalps under his belt. His little sister was really hot though.

The Iceman said...

I'm happy to disappoint you, Drew. I was not a bed wetter. I was a serial "pass out in random backyards" drunk. My roommate, however, WAS a pisser and wizzed himself at least once a week. On his 21st, he threw up in a pitcher at the bar, we carried him home and he woke up wet swearing someone dumped water on him. The only problem is that water usually doesn't smell like piss. The next morning we all went to Warped Tour in Detroit....my pisser buddy felt a shower wasn't necessary. Did I mention it was the middle of August? You can imagine how great he smelled the next day.

Anonymous said...

The greatest pissing story in college came from a friend of mine. Her and her boyfriend were on vacation at a beach house and he got completely shitfaced. Being a college beach vacation they shared a room with at least six other people. Well, in the middle of the night, he gets up from the bed and just pisses on the floor. It would have been a success, except his buddy (another friend of mine, LOL) was sleeping there. He, however, was too drunk to wake up, so he just got pissed on. My friend goes to her boyfriend, "you just pissed all over Jeff." To which he respons, "no I didn't, you're drunk" and goes right back to sleep.

Ide

GMoney said...

So who wants to start talking about Big Strut/Bridezilla's wedding? As I said in the last line, it was...interesting. For an event that is supposed to be about celebrating love, there sure was a shit-load of hate being spewed all over the guests like Peter North on some dumb 18 year old. Whatever though, I got bombed and talked about the Jackets a lot so it was a great time OBVZ.

Nate said...

Definitely a sad state of affairs for the Family Strut.

The only person that came away winning this weekend was Commentator Daniel as everybody has since forgotten his antics several weeks ago.

Anonymous said...

If we are going to talk about gay non-sports stuff where people embarass themselves at a wedding, can we at least hear some details?

Seal

Jeff said...

Getting bombed and talking Jackets is ELITE in my book. Get well soon Nathan!!

Sam Shamansky is the top dog criminal defender in Ohio, but it sounds like the dunecoon is fucked. Maybe he can get him a plea deal to be deported and never come back.

The Iceman said...

"If we are going to talk about gay non-sports stuff where people embarass themselves at a wedding, can we at least hear some details?"

Seal is a man of the people. He speaks what we're all thinking.

Anonymous said...

It is before 10 am and Dunecoon has been used. This is the direction this place needs to head in.

Speaking of which, there was some fine racism on Big Brother last night. Aaryn is now number one in my girls rankings. She is the hero America needs. People seem to be on to Nick, but I have faif in him.

Ide

GMoney said...

Well, I'm not 100% sure on the details of the drama between the Struts but it sure as shit felt like we were damn close to the bride and LS's wife brawling like whoa in the middle of the dance floor while Wally & The Beavs played She's Always A Woman. Those two apparently H8 each other which is awesome because now they are family.

Like I said, I'm not definite on who is at fault or what was actually said but LS looked PISSED all night and the bride canceled all toasts and mom dances and cake cutting at one point (later these were all done though once tempers settled a bit). Have you ever been to a reception with no speeches, first dances, or cake but a fuckload of booze and Burke in a tux? It's pretty intense. Fortunately, after awhile, no one seemed to care and just got all fucked up.

My favorite thing about road trip/hotel weddings is the morning after when this happens:

She$ - "I had to check on you a few times last night to make sure you were still alive."

THAT IS ELITE!

Anonymous said...

While my roommate was in college, he got black out drunk (shocker) and passed out in his bed with his girlfriend. Later in the night, he got up and had to pee. He peed directly into a fan that was pointed on his girlfriend's face, who was sleeping. He then went back to bed like nothing happened. They're not together anymore.

Wedding notes:

-commenter -rex walked up to me while I was drinking my 17th vodka tonic. He then cheers'd my glass so hard that it shattered in my hand and cut me deep. Thanks asshole! That didn't stop bleeding for a few hours because it was 70% vodka coming out.
-my beard is far superior to trautweins
-poopson should have just been hired to perform at the wedding. His performance on stage at the end of the night was ELITE!
-Kenny p apparently pissed off a group of girls in my grade for screaming at them to shut up while the best man speech was being delivered at 11 PM
-an ice luge for shots should be mandatory at all weddings
-people were shattering glasses outside at around midnight.
-commenter Daniels antics from lil struts wedding were discussed at length by his helper Edwards

-tigers PWN the windians

Dut

Joy Edwards said...

Here's what happened:

Within a few minutes of the wedding party about to enter the hall, Bridezilla requested that Big Strut make a changeup in the Power Rankings which involved Derec and Lil Strut swapping places.

Bridezilla did not offer a reason for this, but Big Strut obliged anyways.

Because of that, the rest of the night was a disaster.

GMoney said...

Trautwein's appearance won the weekend. I kept wanting to throw spare change at him but then I realized that helping the homeless is for queers. Your beard sucks.

I forgot about Poopson's legendary performance where he grabbed a mic and tried to sing with the band even though he didn't know the words! Classic Poopson. That family is aces in my book.

To be fair, those stupid broads should have shut their dick-blowing holes and listened to every damn word that Derec A had to say.

-Rex is the best.

After I unleash hell on the office toilet, I will share a pretty NOT ELITE story about a guy I was friends with in college that I haven't told here before.

GMoney said...

Thanks, Joy! What a strange thing to blow up a wedding but I am of the opinion that shit had been simmering for a long time and that finally made everything explode.

GMoney said...

OK, so I was friends with a guy named Ben in our freshman dorm. He was a big volleyball player in high school and was pretty good at it. He volunteered to coach an area girls vball team as a frosh. He came back to the dorm one night and casually mentioned that she just banged one of his 16 year old players. By the way, Ben is not Roethlisberger. He didn't seem to have any shame regarding this even though it was OBVZ a big no-no on many different levels.

I lost touch with him until a few weeks ago. I just found out that he is a pastor in Florida. Apparently God does forgive.

Brady said...

It seems like this group attends awesome weddings. Fights with the bride! Smashing glasses in the parking lot! Sounds like an ELITE wedding indeed. Hopefully Iceman's wedding will hold up to these lofty standards.

Windians tried their best to blow it again yesterday but Dr. Smooth wouldn't let them. I still think Cleveland has a shot to hang around until the end but something needs to be done with that bullpen. Luckily the Tiger bullpen is just as bad.

Anonymous said...

I heard most of this from a close family friend of the groom. I guess the bride hates LS, Mrs. LS, Father Strut, and Mother Strut. Right before the party was introduced bride made Big Strut demote LS. This upset LS because he had Big Strut as his #1 Best Man. Bride kept taunting LS. Mrs. LS told her to stop talking to LS that way, because he was visibly upset. Bride then says some unpleasant things to Mrs. LS. LS lays into the bride for talking to his wife that way. Big Strut tells LS then he doesn't have the be in the wedding anymore. LS took this as the final slap in the face and walked out. Nate B's wife, who is also the Bride's sister and the Matron of Honor, walked out with LS. So the siblings and best man/matron of honor of both couples walked out. Pretty crazy. I get the feeling this has been a lot time coming. I don't know what was said between all the parties outside. I only know it wasn't pleasant. Up until this point, everything had gone well and as planned. Shit quickly hit the fan.

Anonymous said...

This is exactly the type of person I envisioned Big Strut marrying. I hope this marriage lasts in perpetuity so we can get many ELITE stories out of LS. His stock just skyrocketed, and he deserves a guest post after EVERY family function. The post after Christmas should be a hoot!

I tried to tie in a Rich Girl reference, but failed. So here it is.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Makes me wish I was in Toledo Saturday night to crash this wedding and watch Dut mouth fuck a homeless black guy.

GMoney said...

Wow. Let's make this a little easier to follow along as what a doozy this drama is:

*I guess the bride hates LS, Mrs. LS, Father Strut, and Mother Strut.
*Right before the party was introduced bride made Big Strut demote LS.
*This upset LS because he had Big Strut as his #1 Best Man. *
*Bride kept taunting LS. This is my favorite line.
*Mrs. LS told her to stop talking to LS that way, because he was visibly upset.
*Bride then says some unpleasant things to Mrs. LS.
*LS lays into the bride for talking to his wife that way.
*Big Strut tells LS then he doesn't have the be in the wedding anymore.
*LS took this as the final slap in the face and walked out.
*Nate B's wife, who is also the Bride's sister and the Matron of Honor, walked out with LS.
*So the siblings and best man/matron of honor of both couples walked out.

If you can imagine the awkwardness of a wedding party being announced to the reception and the Best Man and Maid of Honor don't show up, it was more awkward than even you can imagine. Burke didn't show up when the ushers were announced either but that was because he was blowing some guy in the shitter.

Anonymous said...

I am not going to comment on exactly what happened, but I would like to apologize to those of you who were in attendance on behalf of my parents, my wife, and myself. It was extremely uncomfortable for everyone involved, which was obviously never the intention.

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

Thanks for the cliff notes version, G$! It made it way easier to feel unfomfortable. I can't imagine the atmosphere in the room as this was going down.

You would think people could set aside their differences for a couple hours but stress and booze have a way of bringing out the worst (best?) in people.

By the way, you were right G$. I thought it might take me a week to get through Season 2 of Dragons but I knocked out the first 4 episodes last night. I don't anticipate it taking very long at this pace. Is Season 3 out on blue ray?

GMoney said...

Cakes, I would say it was a nice mix of confusion, awkwardness, shock, a little horny, still sweaty from the non-air-conditioned church, and amazement. I never thought that I would see a scene like that. Don't take this the wrong way, LS, but I loved it.

I loved the awkward moments (and there were a lot of them). I loved that the band had no idea what to do. I loved that Pipes just said "fuck it" and did his speech at like midnight anyway. I loved that all the attendees just collectively decided to get obliterated and let you all deal with the drama yourselves. I loved Trautwein's horrendous beard.

I've always wanted to attend a wedding where someone was left at the altar. This was as close as I'll probably get.

I think that I drunkenly said a few times through the night that I've been to three weddings of classmates that either are divorced or in the process now and each one of them was filled with more love in the room than Saturday. I just worry that Big Strut is going to become a doormat or already is and he doesn't know it.

You don't need to explain anything. Don't worry about it. I think that almost everyone who was there would say that they had a blast.

GMoney said...

I've always wanted to attend a wedding where someone was left at the altar. Iceman is up next. Please be Iceman. Please be Iceman. That would be so LULZ.

Anonymous said...

"Cakes, I would say it was a nice mix of confusion, awkwardness, shock, a little horny, still sweaty from the non-air-conditioned church, and amazement. "

I nearly spit my water all over my computer. That's quote is top 5 in the history of this shitty blog.

The wedding had more wasted people than any wedding I've ever been to. I even had trouble keeping up with the drunken pace while drinking nothing but vodka. That is RARE. At least nobody passed out drunk before dinner (commenter daniel). Great time.

Dut

Anonymous said...

There will be no divorce. Sources say one of the wedding gifts is a boob job for the bride.

Anonymous said...

"I just worry that Big Strut is going to become a doormat or already is and he doesn't know it."

He most definitely is a doormat.

I think the community now understands the hell that woman has put that poor family through.

Anonymous said...

Dut - Lolz.. Sorry about the hand, I forgot about this! I hope your not sidelined for this week's slate of kickball/softball/dodgeball games.

I don't think I truly comprehended the aforementioned awkwardness at the time. Too many strawber-itas on the bus over!

-Rex

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget that like the last two comments, you can stay anonymous. Let the comments and snide remarks fly! But in all seriousness, please do, this is really starting my week off in a glorious fashion.

I can only pray Iceman's wedding is a fraction like this. The level of awkwardness will already be high with the young girls and Cake's with his tinted eyewear leering about.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Reveal yourself, Anon!!!

I am disappointed I missed this union of wedded bliss.

I have several piss stories from my roommate which I have probably shared before. They involve Mrs. Ace as well. That is all.

San Diego is pretty fucking fantastic. However, I spent an extra day in Vegas and likely won't be making it to the San Fran area because of that...therefore, no meeting of the two greatest people associated with this beautiful blog. I am sure Prime would have serenaded me with his beautiful rendition of Lonestar. Or he would have sent me to some death trap to be raped by queens.

GMoney said...

There will be no divorce. Sources say one of the wedding gifts is a boob job for the bride.

Oh Dear Lord...Adam Schefter is getting all sorts of scoops from this wedding.

Since there were no toasts (again LOLZ), I managed to drink all the champagne at our table. I just went around to all the seats and started slamming them. It was classic me. My wife stopped counting the beers I was drinking after ten. This was at about when the salads were being served (and tossed HEY-OH!). I think that I might have hit 20 brew-dogs that night. I was being quite ELITE.

One thing that can not be covered by inebriation would be Tommy T's drunk dragon breath. It nearly knocked me out when he stumbled up to me demanding that Rick Porcello be the Tigers closer.

Anonymous said...

Although the drama was HILARIOUS it just goes to show money can not buy class.

Again this all came from not being able to sit next to someone? How old are these people?

Anonymous said...

"Again this all came from not being able to sit next to someone? How old are these people?"

Anon - I think it has less to do with seating arrangements and more to do with a blatant sign of disrespect to your new in-laws.

The Iceman said...

If Wheelz leaves me at the alter we're still having the reception, FYI. That would be a massive waste of perfectly good booze. Plus I think it's more realistic for her to annul the marriage the very next day than leave me hanging the day of. If shit gets awkward (and it will) with her family, I'm going to need the comfort of hard sauce to take me to a different planet. How drunk I plan on being would be grounds for divorce or annulment in any state.

Anonymous said...

There is way more to it than that. If you knew the situation and the history, you would know the bride did it intentionally in a last ditch power play. The fact that she would do this to her husbands family and that her husband would allow it is more disturbing.

GMoney said...

I feel like these anonymous commenters know each other which is frustrating to us laycommenters.

Wouldn't you throw a shit-fit if you had your heart set on sitting next to Derec Alexander and then found out that you would not be? That you would be sitting next to a guy whose penis was not accessible on the internet?

The families will say differently but this wedding was awesome. I even "white people danced" for well over an hour.

GMoney said...

Imagine you are at a Jackets game...

Big Strut's Wife...on...the...POWER PLAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Anonymous said...

Best wedding ever! It sounds like the masses enjoyed the festivities as much as a majority of the wedding party. The actual wedding wasn't even that bad, except the no AC. The bus ride, including the shine wedding takings pics at the same place, was a hoot. Rex I'm still a little upset I didn't get any of those straw-ber-ritas, however 3 poopsons in close proximity for several hours is more intoxicating than any booze.

The band was excellent (Wallyrocks.com)!! I think a dj would have had a tough time getting the reception back in order. It was nice to see a lot of you, even Dut.

Buke

Daniel said...

I think at lest one half of anon is Nate b.

GMoney said...

I want to believe that another anon is Strut's dad.

Burke, it was one of the finest bobbleheads that I've ever taken part in. I don't know if the band is willing to take on Poopson as "guy who stands up there like an idiot" but I think it would be a great addition.

Prime99 said...

Sorry I'm late to the party, but goddamn the comments section today has been phenomenal.

I'm pissed I won't be at Iceman's wedding.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to personally get lit and seek out Wheelz dad and light some fires. I will then watch from a far while Iceman drinks himself into an annulment or passes out on the train tracks. Or both. I want both.

I may even wear a bow tie.

Ide

GMoney said...

Prime/Ide/anyone else, you really had to see it to believe it. Like Nate said early today, we all had a good laugh at Daniel for his drunken hijinks at LS's wedding but this set the bar MUCH higher than even that. I had heard of these "bridezillas" before but never thought that I'd come across one. It is an impressive sight to see in person.

Anonymous said...

This broad must have a golden vagina and a diamond clit for someone to put up with her shit.

Nate said...

"I think at lest one half of anon is Nate b."

No - I'm really trying to stay out of this one for obvious reasons.

Anonymous said...

It's cool if you stay in it and you're anon.

I gave the wedding album a quick glance over. Seeing Rex and Burke on the bride's side made me LOLS. Also, is G$ the only male attendee that wasn't a groomsman? How does he have 17 and she have like 6? Multiple Poopsons! She could probably stand to get her tits done.

Those pictures are a lot better with new context.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Trouty was good for more than just his beard G$!

Wally and the Beaves to the rescue! Good time had by all.

It was like the four corners of Hentry county in that place, each corner held a new adventure with different people. Its fun going to a 300+ person wedding where you literally know every single person in the room haha.

Ironically enough, this was my security code: potocsi 314

- J Saul

GMoney said...

I thought that four ushers was a bit much but the job looked like it blew with them inviting the whole damn town and the church having an aisle that was 40 miles long.

Rex and Burke? How was Nebraska RB Rex Burkhead not our favorite football player? AND HE IS WHITE!

I understand completely why Nate would plead the FIF. That does mean that we are getting some true insider info today from SOURCES!

GMoney said...

Keep it family friendly, JSaul, and thanks for tying me this week.

Anonymous said...

5-4-1 is no tie. Are you bad at Maff or sumthin?

I think DUT and I were the only ones to make it to the casino that night. I spent 3 hours at the craps tables going down down UP a shit ton only to piss it away and leave down 100 bucks.

10 mins 10x odds. Dangerous when browned out.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Hmmmm...it was 4-4-2 when I went to bed and nothing happened in the night game. Sonsabitches.

Prime99 said...

The BB racism is costing contestants their jobs in the real world. It is awesome. I can't believe I have never watched before.