Monday, July 01, 2013

Guest Post: The Cakesland Windians Will Not Be Stopped

I got tired of all the criticism about my lack of follow through for Guest Post Week so I am repairing my image today.  Do you all remember this horrible post written by G$ just a scant three weeks ago?  If you don't want to click the link and give this site unnecessary page views that it does not deserve, it was a premature eulogy for YOUR Cleveland Windians.  It is the normal trash that you expect from this site and a blatant smear campaign toward the crown jewel franchise of Major League Baseball.

In case you haven't noticed, and judging by your lack of #Tribetown tweets, you haven't, WE ARE ON FIRE!

So I decided to rectify that today with an open invitation for all the haters to hop back on the bandwagon.  We're back, BABY!  The Windians enter Sunday trailing the Motor City Kitty Cats by just one game and are PRIME to overtake them for good by the end of the week.  I've never stopped believing in these guys.  I've been listening to that Journey song every day as a means to remind me to not stop believing.  LOL!  They don't call us BELIEVELAND for nothing!  While G$ usually only does his lists as a top ten because he is lazy, I am a winner and will thus list the Top 25 Reasons Why The Indians Are Going To Win The World Series THIS YEAR!!!

1. Terry Francona is the best manager of all time.  I mean, this guy ended the Curse of The Bambino.  Now I'm not sure who this Bambino guy is but his signature was the main plot of The Sandlot and that is the best movie ever made.  Hercules The Dog was just misunderstood.  He can sit on my couch any time!

2. We've got great fans.  Haters will point to our low attendance figures but that is just a lie.  The fans who do pack The Prog are collectively louder and more passionate than every college football fanbase combined (excluding Ohio State because no one could match the one of a kind experience of The Shoe, of course).

3. John Adams is the best.  There is not a finer top row of the bleachers drummer in all of baseball.

4. Carlos Santana the musician was named after Carlos Santana the C/1B.  It's true.  The guitarist had no name before the slugger came to prominence.  That is a FACT.

5. Nick Swisher is the heart and soul of the team.  We all wish that his numbers were better and that he had a better glove at first, but you have to love the passion with which he plays.  He's just a kid out there!  You would have to be a real jerk to not want to live in "Brohio"!  LOL!

6. Yan Gomes is better than every other catcher in the league.  It's true.  I've done the research.  And The Yanimal is our backup.  We have an embarrassment of riches on the shores of Lake Erie.

7. We are all Kipnises!  LOL!  LeBron's got nothing on the premiere second baseman in the sport.

8. I have already started an online petition to have the restaurant/bar change it's name to Adobe Aviles.  It currently has zero signatures but I expect it to take off in the coming weeks.  I mean, why would anyone be against this?

9. Asdrubal Cabrera is back and better than ever.  Yeah, he struggles a bit with his ballooning waist line but it is no secret that he is the superior Cabrera in baseball.  No one denies this.  You will never see our Cabby fly off the handle when someone throws inside on him like that Triple CLOWN Winner in Murder City.

10. Mark Reynolds hits Bombs Over Baghdad.  Remember Outkast?  What a group!  We're sorry, Austin Jackson (Ooooooh), WE ARE FO REAL!  Reynolds may swing and miss a lot but it doesn't matter because CHICKS DIG THE LONG BALL!  LOL!

11. Lonnie Chisenhall is also back!  By the end of July, Chisenhall will definitely surpass Smith as The Greatest Lonnie of all time.

12. Damman's nephew has a Michael Brantley shirt jersey so you know that he's ELITE.

13. We have the best outfield defense ever.  So much speed that they outshine the SEC (but not the Silver Bullets!).  And I just can't get enough of comparing Michael Bourn to Jason Bourne.

14. Drew Stubbs is a chick magnet.  After two years of depressed eating by Grady's Ladies, baseball's best female fans have reformed themselves into Stubbs' Chubs and Tubs.  Boy, do they love Drew!

15. If Ryan Raburn doesn't make the Utility Player All Star Game this year, I will eat my hat.  He is without question the best free agent pick-up this season.

16. Even though he's already come and gone, John McDonald only plays for winners.  We love you, Johnny Mac!

17. Jason Giambi is such a dynamic leader in the clubhouse.  He was a cheater with the Yankees because they made him do it, but he is all class now.  He's pretty much a player-coach out there and he does a great job.  I've been calling him Giambino.  I hope that it sticks!

18. Ubaldo Jimenez is an ace.  He has some mechanical flaws that I've spotted and would love to tell him about and correct, but look at the guys that we gave up to get him--they all stink.  We won that trade.

19. Justin Masterson is also an ace.  This will not be contested by anyone.  He's as great at pitching as he is at being handsome.

20. Corey Kluber, Zack McCallister, and Scott Kazmir are all borderline All Stars.  Name 5 pitchers in the league better than these three; you can't!

21. The witch hunt against Chris Perez is over.  We all shared a good laugh when some butthead tried to mail our closer's dog marijuana but that mess is done and Perez has rejoined the best bullpen in the league and is refocused on slamming doors shut.

22. Vinnie Pestano is back into his familiar role of 8th inning domination.  I call him The Italian Stallion.

23. We always have that ace in the hole where if things get tough, we just unleash wave after wave of midges down from Canada.  That always flusters fat, shitty opposing pitchers!  LOL!

24. Matt Underwood deserves to call important games in September.  He's always correctly challenging the umpire's strike zone and indirectly implying that the officials are in cahoots against Tribe Town.  I love him because he is a fan and a straight shooter.  I've heard that he loves a good thunderstorm, too, which is admirable.

25. Finally, Tom Hamilton is the best in the business.  There is nothing better in this world than sitting on your porch on a steamy July night, watching the picturesque northwest Ohio sunset, drinking a cold beer, petting your dog, and listening to the dulcet tones of Hammy calling Tribe games.  Folks, that's living the high life.

As you can see, it's all over but the championship parade.  I've already got my chairs out on the sidewalk of Ontario Avenue.  It is a done deal.  Now I don't know much about basketball as jerks like The Iceman often point out, but I do like the style of local celebrity, Nick Gilbert.  To quote him, "What's not to like?"  Nothing when it comes to the Tribe, Nick, nothing at all.

OK, so at what point did you realize that this was not a Brady post but just the always great G$ using his warg powers and writing what Cakes constantly thinks?  Cakes sucks yet I feel like I captured his essence perfectly.  I also feel like he is the closest thing to PFTCommenter that we have here thus the similar writing style  This is what he would have wrote had he not been a lazy shit.  Although it would be littered with more references to Ohio Buckeye football probably.  Urban Meyer!  Recruiting!  Now I'm done.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Baseball eh? Perfect time to remind everyone that I am in sole possession of first with Apes last place juggernaut next up. GSaul must be mad after that last day comeback win. 5 HR on a Sunday is truly the lords work.

As Burke said in a text, its no time to pop the bubbky just yet. This is coming from the guy who claimed his 6th place team is championship ready. Burke doesn't win money in fantasy baseball therefor is irrelevant.

Ide

Anonymous said...

LOLZ!

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Well done. Cakes is still a pussy.

GMoney said...

Yeah, I thought that I really dominated in this effort. But seriously, LOLZ at the Tigers for letting these losers back into first place.

The Iceman said...

That was eerie. I really thought this was Cakes writing as of the first 2 paragraphs.

GMoney said...

There are many favorite lines in this terrific piece but I might prefer the one about Hercules from The Sandlot sitting on his couch the best.

Ide, watch your butt because I'm only a game or so back of you AND I just cut dead weight Teixeira. We're lean and mean now!

Anonymous said...

You say that, but I am going through the soft part of my schedule with the next 3 coming against bottom feeders like Ape, Jeff, and Damman. I somehow went through the top 6 teams with only one loss, which was really surprising. I'll be streaking hot just in time for you and Burke. It is actually a super close season compared to years past. Except for BadJeff and Ape who seem to be in a dead heat for all time worst team.

Ide

Prime99 said...

The Mark Reynolds and Drew Stubbs items were my two favorite, but this was a fantastic post! Nice work, G$!

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I seriously thought this was Cakes... until the Lonnie comment. He knows better.

Seriously though, LOLZ at the Tigers- and Miguel Cabrera is a whiny bitch. Crying like a little baby because someone pitched him up and in.

You have a pitcher (that isnt Overratedlander) that is 12-0, and the best hitter in the world on your team and you have the same record as the Indians. LOL

Seal

Jeff said...

Nicely done, G$!

I'm assuming expanding your bulletpointing to 25 items is just practice for your breakdown of every pick from the NHL draft yesterday. Wennberg, Rychel, Dano, CUP!!!

My fantasy team is getting healthy again and ready to be dominant like it was in the beginning of the season.

Anonymous said...

G$ - I caught up on the first 2 episodes of BB last night. What are your thoughts so far? A LOT of annoying smoking hot chicks.

Anonymous said...

^^Seal

GMoney said...

I like The Moving Company. They are an eclectic mix that seem like loyal dudes and I always believe that a man should win a reality competition unless the show is about baking.

I have no idea why people think that Rachel's sister is such a big deal. Does that matter at all?

I'm still working on my NHL Draft Pick breakdown. It was an interesting watch. Every mom and GF of the picks were hot as hell. After four hours, I wanted to kill myself though. Can those analysts PLEASE say something negative about anyone! Nathan MacKinnon's sister should have been drafted by the CBJ.

Grumpy said...

Aaryn!!!

Anonymous said...

New episode last night? I still need to watch Dexter and Ray Donovan, so I have a full slate of catching up to do tonight.

Ide

GMoney said...

Dexter was surprisingly not horrible like usual. Ray Donovan feels like it is going to be a good watch. Although watching a shirtless Jon Voight getting frisky with a heavy-set Nubian princess was troubling.

One of my robot words is Belding. I hope they mean Rod!

Brady said...

This is the finest piece of literature I've ever read.

The Iceman said...

Dexter was pretty good last night indeed. I like how Deb has fallen into this tailspin of booze, drugs and rough sex with the scum of the earth. And I defintely was NOT pissed about Batista's sister showing the goods.

It kinda felt like everyone except Batista was like, "LaGuerta's dead..........eh. Shit happens." I feel like if the Captain of a police force was killed in action people would care a little more than what they appeared to last night.

God I hope that this new wrinkly British chick and Dexter doesn't turn into the Deb and Lundy disgusting love affair of the final season.

GMoney said...

This is the finest piece of literature I've ever read.

I knew you'd like it! Nothing written is incorrect! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

People don't care about LaGuerta's death because no one cared about her ever. Heck of a bench though! Deb still sucks because Jennifer Carpenter is horrible at her job.

I was happy to see that they got a new Harrison this season. The old one looked like he should be in the video for Black Hole Sun with his nightmare smile.

Anonymous said...

ELITE story en route. Details developing. Racism will be involved!

Ide

Ide said...

So, last Wednesday someone took my phone from my office. We had it pegged as a title agent who was present during a closing. Called him over and over and got nothing. Well, via TECHNOLOGY, I was able to keep tabs on my phone and every single thing that was happening.

Hilariously, a new black guy was hired on Monday. This happened two days later, and the phone via google latitude was pegged in my building for 6 hours before making a break uptown then over to Queens. I was 100% sure this black was responsible.

Quick sidenote: You guys really need to have Samsung devices. I have the Note 2 (hi five ape!), and previously had a S3. Google latitude hooks up with these and I was watching this person literally walk down the street with it. Verizon, as a carrier, now has a new function that helped me nab the dirty criminal called the cloud.

So, I held out until Friday and went out and bought a new phone at full price. Needless to say, I was fucking pissed off. I upload the Cloud (which used to be Backup Assistant) to get all my old contacts. With it came a fuzzy pic of some Mexican. Couldn't tell what or who it was so I didn't think anything of it. I also had Verizon kill switch my phone so it could be of no use.

Fast forward to today. The people in my office were concerned and I decided to bring up the Cloud to show them how it uploaded everything. That's when Verizon surprised me. It continued to upload pics from my old stolen phone. 8 new ones of that spic lying in bed wearing a nighty playing with an iPad (presumably stolen as well). I showed the pics to everyone in my office to no avail, then tried the door guy to the building. He matched her. She was a private contractor cleaning lady with the firm next door. Dunno how she got my phone, but she did.

So, I went next door and asked if I could get her number. They resisted, of course, so I showed them the pictures, and stated that the cops would be in contact with them soon. They complied immediately.

So I give old Mary Lou Mexicanlastname a call. She, naturally, responds with an "it wasn't me" defense.

"Nice try, see the thing about technology is it is smarter than you. Since you failed to take GPS off, Google Latitude has your movements timestamped from my office, to your home office, to your house. Substantial, yes, however, useful. Further, you neglected to realize you can't take Verizon phones, they aren't the prepaids that you're used to, therefor, when you take selfies of you in bed with an iPad, Verizon automatically uploads them to their server. I have 15 pictures of you, your house, and your lovely view of some projects. Oh, and I had the door guy, and the people who work at identify you. By the way, you're going to be fired. So, the logical next move is for you to deliver my phone with the $700 that I used to purchase my phone, or I am going to the cops, and you will be arrested for larceny which is a felony, so let's hope your citizenship is in order."

She hangs up. Return calls go straight to voicemail. My call to the fuzz did not. FYI, in NYC it is a felony to steal a smart phone. It is a massive deal out here and they don't really fuck around.

It will be interesting to see how this shakes out. I have this dumb twats phone, address, pictures, email, and job. Soon I will have her deported. LOLZ

Ide

Prime99 said...

Ide- that is quite the badass story. Way to finger the perp! Rain drops of Jupiter all over her, son!!!

I will catch up with Dexter tonight. Deb's tailspin sounds great.

GMoney said...

Ide got played by a janitor. I could maybe respect you if it was Tim Gray (ELITE West Elementary reference) but not some burro jockey.

Were there any nude selfies? Were they Rupe-esque? Was she hot? Old? Covered in salsa?

Anonymous said...

Ugly and like 40. No salsa, just brown skin. On that racist note, and to you Big Brother fans out there, a list of some HOT live feed quotes!

This is a growing list. Some of the flashback times may be off a bit.

Aaryn
•Re: Candice: Be careful what you say in the dark, you might not be able to see the bitch (6/30 ~7:45pm)
•I want to put a washcloth over her face and pour water over it (6/30 7:42pm C1/2)
•Aaryn was complaining about the Asian women who do her nails and imitated their Asian accent. Helen was right outside too.
•Said she was so drunk she made Asian eyes (6/30 ~5:20PM)
•About Helen: Dude, shut up, go make some rice (6/30 1:14AM)
•Andy will get MVP because people love the queers (6/29 11:40PM)
•No one's going to vote for whoever that QUEER puts up re: Andy
•Quick to correct Candice's pronunciation of "ask" (as opposed to axe) but is fine with GM saying it as axe
•Bragged about making Asian eyes in the DR

Spencer
•Says the C word at 6/29 4:35-4:36am Cam 3 and again 6/29 4:41am Cam 3
•Candice laid her head on Spencer's shoulder and he said "Sure you're not gonna get my shirt greasy?"
•Praised the Nazi doctors
•Called Helen Kim Jong Un
•calls Andy Kermit the fag to his face (6/29 ~4:40pm)
•Called women the c-word
•Says “Bitch, get your ass cooking” (6/30 ~1:57pm)

GinaMarie
•Candice is on the dark side because she already is dark (6/30 ~7:45pm)
•Calls welfare "nig***" insurance (6/30 1:16PM Cam 1/2)
•Said blacks stick together and that they're "tokens" in the house (6/30 ~4:18AM)
•Candice's "blackness" is showing now that she's not on the block (6/30 ~4:20AM)
•They should make Helen's eyes "straight"
•Said something about weaves being ghetto and then looked at Candice (6/29)
•Helen should kiss their asses and serve them rice (June 29, 2:42pm Cam3)
•Told Nick in the lounge that the way Candice talks is fake because she talks too white (6/29)
•Said that Candice had that black thing going. intimating that she was getting ghetto (1st night of feeds)
•Mocked Candice's voice in a stereotypical fashion

Kaitlyn
•Said “nigga” but not in a reference to black people but more like “dude” (6/27 3:28AM C3)
•says Candice came at her acting aggressive and she was thinking Candice's black side was coming out (6/27 ~5:47AM)
•Said "Gays are untrustworthy in a game like this"

Jeremy
•Re: Kaitlyn’s vagina: wants to see what he’s working with, called it her meat wallet
•Re: Elissa, said he'd cut a bitch

Amanda
•Calls herself the fag hag queen (6/29 ~5:30PM)

David
•said his sheets are dirty because "black Candice" was on them (6/30 3:05pm C1)


Ide

Brady said...

I love Ide stories. This one was fantastic.

I just read the post again and laughed MORE times than the first. I may steal this (just like the mexican cleaning lady) and call it my own.

When reading Ide's story, it was impossible to not picture the Family Guy cleaning lady.

GMoney said...

Good God, this might be the most racist cast of Big Bro ever. Anyone who says a bad word about GAY BUKE is DEAD to me!

Calls welfare "nig***" insurance--says the pageant coordinator who is probably on it because LOL pageant coordinator

And my Aaryn boner (more like Aryan, amirite) is gone. How can people say shit like this when they know they're on camera 24/7!!!

Because it needs to be said, BOB IS BACK IN THE BUS, YO!