Friday, July 12, 2013

Fantasy Football Friday: And It Begins

Hey, James Bond, are you excited for fantasy football season?
Welcome to the initial Fantasy Football Friday post here which will run weekly…but not for a few more weeks since I don’t have enough topics to cover 7 Fridays. They don’t call me the best in the business for nothing, folks. Daniel mentioned in the comments yesterday what I had been planning to do anyway today so let’s just go ahead and do it. But first!

I have been in five fantasy football leagues for the last two years. It ain't easy.  Last week, I turned in my e-mail of resignation to the one I was in with FagNasty back in Naptown. It might be the oldest league in the world. We’re talking maybe thirty years. All I know is that as far as I can remember, my dad has always been a member and he isn’t even one of the originals. Well, since the league HQ is 2+ hours away, I rely on FagNasty to do a lot of the pick-ups and trading. He did nothing last year. At all. So I bailed. I felt horrible. I have never quit a fantasy league before. This was new. And the weird thing about is that I had to resign to my old defensive coordinator whose reply e-mail could have somehow been a punch in the face. He is that crazy. This is going to be a running theme throughout the rest of the FFF’s (until Dut gets the message): don’t be afraid to walk away and don’t be afraid to do what needs to happen to STREMPHEN your league. Nobody likes a half-ass. We all demand full ass.

So I’m back down to four leagues and with my recent worldwide domination of the sport, prepare to get Big Benned (put this in the sex dictionary as “getting a swirly while being sodomized preferably in Georgia”) by Big Daddy (me AND J-Rupe!). OK, let’s start talking draft dates, times, places, and members for the DFL, MSFL, and G$FL.

First of all, the only date that does not work for me at all is Saturday August 24th which is when my dreaded OTHER LEAGUE drafts. Considering that this league’s draft resulted in me passing the fuck out on my in-laws couch while topless at 6 pm last year due to Four Loko, I will not miss it for any of you scrubs.  I somehow finished third which is amazing for how drunk I was.

G$FL – I would assume that we still have the same 12 in the league this year. No one has told me that they are leaving. Although with Ide being the defending champ, everyone should consider suicide. We usually have held this on Labor Day Monday but Shit Shegitz is going to be out of town without computer access so we need to adapt. Any bad days or thoughts on when this should go down? Fuck Ide? Yes. Also, the site has been re-upped for a week now.  Start getting in. 

MSFL – Since this is online, we can do this whenever. I’m not worried about that. For as horrendous as Mr. Ace is at fantasy sports, he runs a fairly decent league here (not sure if I can say the same for how he represents us on Twitter). The question is if everyone is coming back. It felt like Daniel was on the ropes last year and FagNasty hasn’t been a contributor here for years so who knows what he will do. Prime (as well as myself OBVZ) seems to have this league on lockdown since its creation. It must be the media’s west coast bias. By the way, I prefer Tuesdays or Thursdays.

DFL – Well, your REPEAT OFFENDER CHAMPION is ready to go for the 3Peat. I tried to discuss the league with Dut on Saturday but I was much too drunk for anything to register and he wasn’t wearing a tie which bothered me greatly. It said FORMAL ATTIRE on the invitation, you hiney hobbit! If I recall though, it did sound like Dut was willing to ask some previous owners to leave the league which gave me an erection that later was jammed in the ice luge. This needs to be done, BRAH. Trim the fat (but not me). I have already recruited Wardo, Lange, and Boz to show up this year. They will come. You just have to force everyone to be in the same room. Plus pre-draft golf is always clutch. Ide needs to know a date, too. How about 8/17? Does that work for most? There ain’t SHIT going on in mid-August. It’s best just to set a date early and let people work around it rather than trying to get everyone’s feedback.

You know what would be good, if we could do the DFL on the 17th and the G$FL on the 18th. It is actually a concession that I would be willing to make for—ugh—my champion, Ide. Then again, if it is a strong pollen day he might have to stay in bed. Queer. Let’s do some work today, doggies, and make some decisions. For the rest of you, let us know if you would like to be on the wait list for the Money Shot Football League. There will likely be at least one open spot and there is no way that you could be worse than Iceman (back-to-black worst team in the league, right?). Also feel free to discuss other topics of the day. I hear that Marshall Henderson got suspended again for failing a drug test. Some of you better have trolled him good.  Out.


Nate said...

Any openings this year? I think I'm ready to take the plunge.

Prime99 said...

August 22, 27, and 29 work best for me for the MSFL. Ill try to run home fast but me picking up my son after work adds an extra wrinkle to how fast I can get home.

I've left leagues before and it definitely sucks, but is necessary depending on the circumstance.

If it wasn't for the Seahawks' gayness, I'd be two time champ of the MSFL. Don't think I'll ever forget.

We've been trolling Marshall. Always.

GMoney said...

You should start trolling former Buckeye great and the embodiment of the Jim Tressel era, Ray Small!

Nate, you're on the list. Prepare to be Prime's bitch.

Go home, Nick. This just goes to show that you will never get anywhere in this world if you indirectly know Seal and Ide. This season sucks though. If you didn't see that alliance crumbling fast and furiously from 50 miles away then you don't know reality TV. Howevah, the Mom Squad will not break...unfortunately.

MuDawgfan said...

Whelp - see you guys on Monday I guess?

Jeff said...

Aug 17 for the DFL draft sounds good. How hard was it to recruit Lange since he lives here now?

Grumpy said...

Due to concerns about the effects of the overwhelming stress on my health, I hear by tender mr resignation from the MSFL..

Nick never saw the train that hit him. Should have gotten a piece of Gina Marie when he had the chance, Now he can get back to his threesome with Ide and Seal.

GMoney said...

But I recruited him before the move. In fact, I was convincing that he picked up his family and headed south just to watch me draft another championship squadron.

You're out? Lame. Like yo dick. You were even getting better at it!

Yep, we'll see you on Monday, Dawg!

Today would be a great day for Dut to actually show up and contribute for once.

Anonymous said...

If he can figure out the oh so hard robot.

I'd just like to take this time to remind everyone again, that I am the G$FL champion. I am now looking to become TRANSCENDENT and become the Bo Jackson of G$'s fantasy leagues by taking the baseball championship. That will leave the biggest mushroom stamp on everyone's face, and I will love every minute of it. GOD LET THIS HAPPEN.

I didn't watch the show after having G$ spoil it, but oh well, I guess that McCrae and Spencer flopped on him. It would make sense I guess, except that the guys are so stupid that they can't see the fags and women joining up and eliminating the men one by one. God, I'm glad to be done with that show.


Anonymous said...

I'm good for the DFL on the 17th and the G$FL on the 18th. Jake has a baby now so I will have even more responsibility for carrying the Dynamic Duo this year.


GMoney said...

I am the Dynamic Solo. Dut and I need to join forces and make our drafts the same weekend. It makes a lot of sense. I am also The Rules Committee so I have all the power.

For the record, you told me to spoil it for you. Nick would probably still be in the house if he didn't wear faggy Ohio State tees.

Anonymous said...

I would def like to get in if there is any room.


Daniel said...

I am in on the 17th. I think little strut has also expressed interest in the DFL. I will warn the Lange is already making excuses for every weekend in August and i think that may be Larry's bachelor party weekend.

I am still on the fence of the MSFL this year. I definitely put zero effort into it last year.

Can our fearless leader confirm the 17th?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that's what "having G$ spoil it" means.

Back to back trips to Ohio should be doable. Maybe, I can just take the entire week, but that would likely mean more time in, ugh, Toledo.

I assume the lesser half of my DFL team will be holed up in some mud hut in Arizona, or whatever it is those people live in down there. I base most of my knowledge of Arizona on old westerns that were likely set in Texas. Except, I imagine it with more Mexicans.

Also, I hate Mexicans. Probably Arizona, too.


Mr. Ace said...

Grump, you can't leave. Sorry. You signed up for a lifetime membership. (Old joke here) But seriously. Ur in.

Daniel, you are the king of drafting the best fantasy football team for the 2014 season in the 2013 season. Ur future potential based drafting is unmatched. However, if you decide to leave, everyone will know your wife made you quit.

I will work out a date and try to accommodate Prime. Shouldn't be an issue.

The DFL is going to be online. Just accept that right now so we can stop mindfucking ourselves to work on a date. Online guaranSHEED.

I assume I am first on the waiting list for the g$fl.

Anybody is better than fagnasty.

The Iceman said...

PPR leagues are for the gays so it makes sense I always finish last. I pride myself in being terrible in a fantasy league where Wes Welker is the top rated WR. Think about how stupid that is.

Having said that I'm still in. because I'm not a fuckin quitter. My honeymoon is the week of the 12-19th. I would prefer the draft not be that week. Not because I'm on my honeymoon but because there is a 5 hour time difference in Hawaii. My dedication to fantasy football is greater than my dedication to marriage.

GMoney said...

The Wig Master has been on the waiting list for the G$FL for 7 years or so. We've been a pretty steady group. LW has a partner. He sucks, but last I checked he was still a partner and a GUARNASHEED drafter of Aaron Hernandez.

When you ask for the results directly, I ain't spoilin' shit.

GMoney said...

As someone who has been married for going on 4 years now, I can confirm that fantasy football will give you way more joy than marriage. FACT!

Anonymous said...

I have a golf outing on aug 17th but may still be able to make it depending on what time the draft starts. Otherwise, Jsaul may have to be available (assuming we're co-owning again this year?)


Brady said...

Fantasy Football talk! Thank god. I figured I would swing by this lonely corner of the internet to find another NBA post by Iceman. Guess I'll have to wait until Tuesday for that.

Did anybody check out Sharknado last night?

Anonymous said...

Brady gets excited for fantasy football discussion and offers absolutely nothing that could be considered a contribution. He is the worst.

Sharknado was tits though.


Daniel said...

I got NFL Sunday Ticket (FO FREE) again this year, so if any of you twatbags are ready to graduate to the Octo-box you are free to join me.

i understand if you guys would piss yourselves at the thought of watching more than one 30 second highlight (redzone) at a time though. Pussies.

GMoney said...

You know it's that time of year when we get to argue the merits of the Octobox vs. Quadbox.


GMoney said...

I just had to wake up Dut who is in Atlantic City trying to quench his thirst for juiced-up gorillas. He has no dignity or shame.

GMoney said...

So...17th for the DFL and 18th for the G$FL then???

Dut has to be the only non-John Daly that still frequents Hooters.

Anonymous said...

He thinks thats where straight people still go. He is fooling no one.


Anonymous said...

I've been trying to get into the DFL for a number of years and wondered why some clowns were still in it when they were clearly horrible or never showed up to the drafts. I would like to be in it this year, bitches! Hit me up, Dut!

When is the MSFL draft going to be? I nominate Nate B to fill Grumpy's spot as the MSFL would be a great place for Nate B to lose his fantasy football virginity.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

And in the MSFL I got 11th the first year and 9th last year, anuses. So look for me to improve to 7th place this year.

Prime99 said...

Ice & Rivers in 2013!