"gggggggGGGGAAAAHHHAHAHA!! ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!"
So a lot has happened in the NBA world in the last week and I really couldn't give a fraction of a fuck if you're tired of the NBA. Because I am NOT a man of the people. I feel I've been pretty clear on that. Now that Dwight Howard has picked a team and half of the league has dusted off their knees, iced their jaws down and started searching for their self respect...let's do a little comparison of two of the most annoying free agent acquisitions in the last three years and see who comes out on top. Dwight Howard vs. LeBron James.
The Decision - I was torn when this happened. On one hand I fucking haaaaaaaaaaate the Cavs and hate their fans even more. So watching their hearts get ripped out of their chests on live TV like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was so God damn tasty. The cut to live shots of the fans reacting was seriously one of the best things I've ever seen. That night you were fortunate enough to see the true nature of sloping head Cavs fans when pure evil and hatred just erupted from every pore. It really was equal parts hilarious and pathetic.
On the other hand, I knew LeBron was leaving so I was excited to be able to actively cheer for one of the best players we will ever see. All of the signs of his departure were there and everyone could see it except for Cavs fans. Which made it even better. But I was really bothered by the gigantic and unnecessary production he made out of everything. Because the greatest players in the world in any sport shouldn't behave like 14 year old children. He just acted and sounded like a complete fucking boob the whole time. Soaking up all the attention, knowing damn well he was about to leave a city in ashes. What made it even worse is that same week Kevin Durant, a player on the same level as Lebron, announced over Twitter that he signed a huge deal. No production, no TV special and certainly no bullshit excuse of donating the proceeds to a cause. What Durant did was how I felt LeBron should have handled The Decision no matter what his future was.
Douchiest moment: Without question it was when he said, "I'm taking my talents to Souf Beach.". Magnificently queer moment that gave me intense douche chills.
Summer of Dwight Howard - There is no name for this courtship that I am aware of at the current moment. And since "Cater to an infant one dimensional center who probably still actively colors-ision" doesn't flow very well...you can see why I simplified it. Most people are just calling it the Dwight-Mare. Because from start to finish this whole story has been just that. A chaotic fucking nightmare.
If people didn't hate Howard before this circus rolled into town, then they certainly do now. Never in my life have I seen a guy go from beloved budding superstar to overrated ass clown almost overnight. None of this shit makes any sense to me and I think that's why it's so infuriating. Howard made it pretty damn clear last year in LA that he was not okay with sharing the spotlight with Kobe. So why the fuck did you leave Orlando on a team that had ZERO stars and that also made the NBA Finals, in the first place? You were all they talked about there!! Then last week Howard says that any team he considers an option needs to have two stars on the roster before he gets there. WUT?? Didn't you just leave that situation in LA? And didn't you just do nothing but fucking whine about it all God damn year? Make up your mind, shit head!!.
Then lovely free agency began and Howard started "allegedly" making his demands. He doesn't want to play with this guy and doesn't want to be coached by this guy. And this team needs to get more stars if I'm going to consider them and I need this much money. Fuck! What a diva. Most girls don't come with this much baggage. Now that I think about it...Howard is probably furious at Aaron Hernandez for ruining his summer and stealing his headlines. Hey asshole! Next time you murder someone can you not have it coincide with Dwight Howard's free agency?! THANK YOU!! Sheesh! Some people...
Douchiest moment: It had to be when Howard said he was "turned off" at Kobe's suggestion to stay in Los Angeles so he could show Howard how to be a winner. I can't believe a guy with five rings has the BALLS to tell Howard he doesn't know how to be a winner. Psshhht. What an IDIOT!
Dwight-Mare - As much as all of you here loathe LeBron for what, at least he was quick about the process. And at least he was undeniably the best player in the league when his shit went down so you could at least make a case for his ridiculous behavior. There's nothing worse than an OVERRATED athlete taking advantage of everyone's goodwill and sucking from the teet until it's a dried up, wrinkly, barely recognizable titty. I really think Howard knew he was going to Houston all along and just drug his feet because he is the worst kind of attention whore. A childish attention whore who acts out to get more attention. And I really don't know why so many teams were behaving like the fucking Beatles just walked through the door when Howard hit free agency. He's what...the 20th best player in the league? If that? Does a guy who has no jump shot and who can't be on the floor in the last 2 minutes of any close game really deserve all this fuss? I don't think so. What I do know is I cannot wait to watch Kevin McHale mentally destroy Howard one game at a time with "no reason" benchings for the next four years. It'll give me something to do while the Pistons target their next free agent to waste money on.