Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Dwight-Mare Vs. The LeCision


So a lot has happened in the NBA world in the last week and I really couldn't give a fraction of a fuck if you're tired of the NBA.  Because I am NOT a man of the people.  I feel I've been pretty clear on that.  Now that Dwight Howard has picked a team and half of the league has dusted off their knees, iced their jaws down and started searching for their self respect...let's do a little comparison of two of the most annoying free agent acquisitions in the last three years and see who comes out on top.  Dwight Howard vs. LeBron James.

The Decision - I was torn when this happened.  On one hand I fucking haaaaaaaaaaate the Cavs and hate their fans even more.  So watching their hearts get ripped out of their chests on live TV like that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was so God damn tasty.  The cut to live shots of the fans reacting was seriously one of the best things I've ever seen.  That night you were fortunate enough to see the true nature of sloping head Cavs fans when pure evil and hatred just erupted from every pore.  It really was equal parts hilarious and pathetic.

On the other hand, I knew LeBron was leaving so I was excited to be able to actively cheer for one of the best players we will ever see.  All of the signs of his departure were there and everyone could see it except for Cavs fans.  Which made it even better.  But I was really bothered by the gigantic and unnecessary production he made out of everything.  Because the greatest players in the world in any sport shouldn't behave like 14 year old children.  He just acted and sounded like a complete fucking boob the whole time.  Soaking up all the attention, knowing damn well he was about to leave a city in ashes.  What made it even worse is that same week Kevin Durant, a player on the same level as Lebron, announced over Twitter that he signed a huge deal.  No production, no TV special and certainly no bullshit excuse of donating the proceeds to a cause.  What Durant did was how I felt LeBron should have handled The Decision no matter what his future was.

Douchiest moment: Without question it was when he said, "I'm taking my talents to Souf Beach.".  Magnificently queer moment that gave me intense douche chills.

Summer of Dwight Howard - There is no name for this courtship that I am aware of at the current moment.  And since "Cater to an infant one dimensional center who probably still actively colors-ision" doesn't flow very well...you can see why I simplified it.  Most people are just calling it the Dwight-Mare.  Because from start to finish this whole story has been just that.  A chaotic fucking nightmare.

If people didn't hate Howard before this circus rolled into town, then they certainly do now.  Never in my life have I seen a guy go from beloved budding superstar to overrated ass clown almost overnight.  None of this shit makes any sense to me and I think that's why it's so infuriating.  Howard made it pretty damn clear last year in LA that he was not okay with sharing the spotlight with Kobe.  So why the fuck did you leave Orlando on a team that had ZERO stars and that also made the NBA Finals, in the first place?  You were all they talked about there!!   Then last week Howard says that any team he considers an option needs to have two stars on the roster before he gets there.  WUT??  Didn't you just leave that situation in LA?  And didn't you just do nothing but fucking whine about it all God damn year?  Make up your mind, shit head!!.

Then lovely free agency began and Howard started "allegedly" making his demands.  He doesn't want to play with this guy and doesn't want to be coached by this guy.  And this team needs to get more stars if I'm going to consider them and I need this much money.  Fuck!  What a diva.  Most girls don't come with this much baggage.  Now that I think about it...Howard is probably furious at Aaron Hernandez for ruining his summer and stealing his headlines.  Hey asshole!  Next time you murder someone can you not have it coincide with Dwight Howard's free agency?!  THANK YOU!!  Sheesh!  Some people...

Douchiest moment:  It had to be when Howard said he was "turned off" at Kobe's suggestion to stay in Los Angeles so he could show Howard how to be a winner.  I can't believe a guy with five rings has the BALLS to tell Howard he doesn't know how to be a winner.  Psshhht.  What an IDIOT!

The winner:

Dwight-Mare - As much as all of you here loathe LeBron for what, at least he was quick about the process.  And at least he was undeniably the best player in the league when his shit went down so you could at least make a case for his ridiculous behavior.  There's nothing worse than an OVERRATED athlete taking advantage of everyone's goodwill and sucking from the teet until it's a dried up, wrinkly, barely recognizable titty.  I really think Howard knew he was going to Houston all along and just drug his feet because he is the worst kind of attention whore.  A childish attention whore who acts out to get more attention.  And I really don't know why so many teams were behaving like the fucking Beatles just walked through the door when Howard hit free agency.  He's what...the 20th best player in the league?  If that?  Does a guy who has no jump shot and who can't be on the floor in the last 2 minutes of any close game really deserve all this fuss?  I don't think so.  What I do know is I cannot wait to watch Kevin McHale mentally destroy Howard one game at a time with "no reason" benchings for the next four years.  It'll give me something to do while the Pistons target their next free agent to waste money on.


MuDawgfan said...

I kinda thought when Dwight was going from team to team to team at the start of the process it was very comparable to the way Peyton Manning conducted himself after he was released from Indy.

Then he opened his mouth and started talking....

The Iceman said...

You must be happier than Damman in a fat girls vagina right now, Dawg. Not only did Atlanta not ruin their team by signing Howard...they were also, in the last 2 years, able to get rid of 2 of the most OVERRATED and overpaid guys on their roster while remaining a playoff team. Not bad.

GMoney said...

I still think that The Decision was worse because we fans fucking loved him (YES HOMO) while no one in their right mind has positive feelings for DUH-wight. Not even his seven bastard kids with seven different whores or whatever the count is up to now. At least Shawn Kemp had a well-rounded game (and body).

The Douchiest Moment for D1 for 12 From The Line was that he was a Rocket for a few hours and then said that he wasn't and that he was 50/50 on returning to the Lakers and then an hour later he was a Rocket again. A lot must have changed. By a lot, I mean nothing. There are no losers in the Dwightmare except for Houston who just saw unplanned pregnancies and bitch fits rise by thousands of percents.

Josh Smiff to the Pistons? I know that Drew likes it. Iceman does not. I lean toward Iceman. It takes balls to sign a SF who can't shoot to 50+ million dollars. That frontline should be pretty solid defensively though.

The Cavs signed Jarrett Jack and are going after Andrew Bynum's hair? I like Jack as a third guard that can play both spots. That's a good DEPF signing. Bynum though...hoo boy, it makes total sense if you believe that this guy will finally figure it out and ball hard in a contract year, I suppose.

The Iceman said...

Here's why the Smiff signing was stupid as shit. You can't play Smiff, Drummond and Monroe on the floor at the same time because you need more than 2 guys on the floor that can score outside of 10 feet. Otherwise teams will pack the middle and dare you to shoot 3's all game...and we all know the Pistons cannot. So you just dropped 50 some million for essentially a 6th man. But since they Pistons are fucking stupid I'm sure they'll try and cram a square peg into a round hole and start all 3. Then move Smiff to the bench when they're 15 games under .500 and finally realize it doesn't work. At least they didn't throw 120 million at 2 bench players like they did with Chaz Smooth Pits and Ben 3-Baller.

I thought the Jack signing was actually pretty solid. He's an above average player and a guy who can run the show when Irving eventually goes down with some sort of pussy strain.

I literally pray in my bed every single night that the Cavs get Andrew Bynum. That would be so LOLZ.

Speaking of LOLZ...Nick Swisher.

The Iceman said...

Cavs offered Bynum 2 years and 24 mil. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

GMoney said...

The second year is a team option (or so they say) which basically makes it a one year trial. If they are gearing up for LeBron and they are then guaranteeing two years to Bynum makes no sense unless he comes back and goes HAM this year. We have to spend more money to reach the salary floor anyway. I would probably rather take a one year risk on Bynum than on Oden.

Speaking of great Pistons decisions...Rasheed Wallace assistant coach!

Anonymous said...

I would probably say the Lebron decision was more played out and terrible - but I am bias being a Cavs fan obviously. But you still hear people talking about "the decision" today and the "im taking my receeding hairline to south beach" shit. Either way, fuck them both.

How does Joe Dumars still have a job??

I absolutely despise Bynum. I can not root for this guy. Ever.

LOLZ at Swisher is fucking right. Run to first base, asshole.


GMoney said...

By the way, I was told that Tonya met J-Rupe yesterday (and today is his birthday!). WE NEED THE DEETS! He is single again.

Prime99 said...

LeBron's Decision was worse, but how bad can it be when Cavs fans are wetting their panties for him to come back?

J-RUPE is taking his talents to Tonya's Souf Beach.

GMoney said...


The Iceman said...

Single Rupe is so much better than engaged Rupe. I bet Tonya gave Rupe a 10 second frencher.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, JRupe suicide watch is coming soon! I wish that I could witness it.

Lebrons is much worse by far. First off, I don't see what Dwight did this year as being terrible. Look, to these guys competing is everything. Houston was the obvious choice and I think the other 3 teams (GS/ATL/DAL) were just merely hyped by the media and posed no real threats. LAL was a bad decision ultimately, and while he was already established and had the keys being given to him soon, his surrounding players are husks of their former selves.

Now, I'm not going to say Lin is better than Nash, but I'd rather have super nip feeding me a bounce pass than Nash. This season was already a massive failure, and you want him to come back to exponentially worse conditions? Fuck that.

So now he is put in a position to negotiate. He would be giving up $30 million and a year to go anywhere else (if you're a tax junkie, it'd be closer to 19 million due to state taxes). That is negotiating room, and both sides knew it. Houston gave him the best chance to make up that $30 million with a better swing player than LAL has (currently), better help in the front court, and a much better coach.

Calling him OVERRATED is stupid. He had a terrible year with Kobe, and the most stupidly assembled super team in the history of the game with even worse front office management. He still got 17/12, with Kobe going HAM all over the ball. I think he is clearly in position to make a few demands here and there.
He announced over twitter right around the time he said he would. You just applauded Durant for the same move...

Lebron on the other hand threw a fucking circus, then ripped out his fans hearts in front of the world. And not just Cavs fans, but Akron fans, et al. Just to make some super team and win 10 titles or whatever.

The media blew the Dwight thing out of proportion more than Dwight did anything to call attention to his actions. Lebron did the exact opposite, but the media still had an equally massive part in this.

Now, Dwight, last year is a different story. That fucking twat.


GMoney said...

I still don't think that Houston will be that good. They're not one of the top 4 teams in the West (SA, OKC, LAC, MEM, and GS).

I find him OVERRATED because he has no offensive game and hasn't improved at all since he came into the league. That's fine and all to be a force on the glass but it would be nice to see some moves other than "dunk ball".

GMoney said...

Improved on offense, I mean.

Anonymous said...

I think they will be better than GS and probably MEM. I certainly think they can compete with the other three. I don't think that they will be playing in the finals or anything, but with the age and depf, its a damn good start. And it certainly beats the other teams that were in the running to get him (considering what GS wouldve done to their roster to get him).

His offensive skills are Shaq. He cleans up boards and is a defensive beast, and his within 10 foot game is pretty damn good. That's all you really need from him. He isn't Dirk or Duncan, but he is damn good for being a post player, and all around, might be tops in the league.

Shaq won with Kobe and D-Wade. Centers don't win championships themselves, but they are one hell of a solid piece to the puzzle. Dominant centers ass raped Miami all playoffs, so a great one in today's game is pretty legitimate. This is why I don't think he is OVERRATED. I think he meets what should be expected of him. Now, if the media overhypes him as Jesus Christ at the 5, then those that buy into that hype are the retards.


Brady said...

Swish was anything but amazing awesomeness last night. Slacking and biting it rounding third? That's not the bro I know.

Iceman's Twitter trolling was fun though.

I have nothing to add to the actual post because basketball season is over.

Tonya said...

I did meet him yesterday, in a sense. We made eye contact for a good solid 10 seconds and I could see the lust in his eyes. He is not single, he mentioned his girlfriend a handful of times. Yes, today is his birfday. Everyone, please take time to wish him a very happy day!

The Iceman said...

The center is a dying position. Especially the way Dwight plays it. With today's up tempo game if you're a center with zero post moves, you have to be able to run the floor if all you can do is dunk. Like DeAndre Jordan. Dwight isn't that guy and he's on a team that pushes the ball. There aren't many teams today that set up half court offensive plays the majority of the game. Plus Howard THINKS he has a post game which is extremely dangerous. How long before he starts bitching about not getting touches in an offense that isn't designed for a big man to get touches?

That's why he's OVERRATED. His style of play doesn't fit today's NBA. Sure he'll block shots and clean glass but he's not going to average the points you think he will. He'll be lucky to hit his 17 PPG average from last year. Lets also not forget that he is completely useless in close games because of how shit he is at the FT line. A guy who just signed for that much money shouldn't still be raw when it comes to certain aspects of the game 9 years into his career.

GMoney said...

Those are shitty details, T-Sizzle! We need more! Did you see him at your store? Under the sheets? A methadone clinic?

Shaq is way more likeable than Howard so that comparison, while apt, is irrelevant.

There is still a place in the game for a dominant center but I'm not sure that Houston is a great fit with their free-wheeling run-and-gun style. It will be interesting to see how it works. I will be rooting for it to fail.

Tonya said...

I'm not at liberty to say where I saw him... I'm sorry for that. Just know that it was as awkward as it comes. He definitely recognized me.

GMoney said...

Fair enough. That's what the TMS table at the wedding is for.

RIP Chase The Bat Dog. It's getting misty up in here. That dog seemed to be very ELITE. A true Yankee!

Anonymous said...

Can we assume it was the Social Security line? I'm going to assume it was the Social Security line.

That Chase the dog story + pictures bums me out.


GMoney said...

Chase snipping at the umpire for trying to take his bat was the best. YOU DON'T DO MY JOB!!!

Tonya said...

Yes, Ide, assume away.