Wednesday, June 12, 2013

When "Good Job, Good Effort" Goes Wrong

Sexiest sexual harrassment ever!
Yesterday, everyone was champing at the bit to give their opinion on the whole Chad Johnson courtroom fiasco. As is customary here, we are finally going to be addressing a day or two late and thus not say anything new. This is what we do here! I think that we can all agree that professional athletes getting arrested for ridiculous things is just great. Every time it happens you just know that they said “do you know WHO I AM” before getting slapped with handcuffs. I love it. I can’t get enough. Hell, I’m pretty sure that Titus Young has earned himself a Money Shot Man of the Year nomination for his ELITE lifestyle over the past 12 months.

Anyway, we all saw on Hard Knocks last fall when the usually affable and harmless, Chad Johnson, got nailed for domestic violence with his wife who he met through Twitter because of course he did. Then the Dolphins cut him while we all watched and it was just a little bit heartbreaking to see. Ocho spent the last 12 months doing nothing and likely pissing away all of his remaining money on stupid shit and we all forgot about him. Until recently, of course, we violated his probation and was looking at jail time. His lawyer reached a plea deal with--I don’t know…whoever criminals plead with…the state maybe(?)--in order to avoid his 30 day suspended jail sentence from the domestic violence charge.

Judge McHugh agreed to the plea offer. She instructed Chad to thank his lawyer for getting him out of this jam. His first response was to treat his attorney like TJ Houshmandzadeh and slap him on the ass. Everyone laughed. The judge did not. She did a complete 180 and rejected the just agreed to plea deal and decided to send Chad to jail for 30 days since he wasn’t taking this seriously. And this leads us to the big debate of the week: Does a harmless and childish butt slap really warrant a month behind bars? I’ll answer that for myself (because who else is going to answer it).

Yes. Absolutely it does. Once you strip away the fact that Chad Johnson is a clown who could use a lesson in humility and civility, it basically boils down to a grown man with a 5 year old’s demeanor making a mockery of the legal system (which is already enough of a joke as it is). The dude was in this position in the first place for beating his wife. Let’s not forget that, Ace (who I am certain will be disagreeing with me today). He skated on hard time for that but then violated his probation terms because he has never taken anything seriously. Ocho again avoids an actual punishment from that while celebrating as if he was a BRAH in a locker room. I’m sorry, but that is the third fucking strike. You’re out, asshole.

This whole situation is dumb, weird, hilarious, and admirable. It’s dumb that a grown man would still be giving out ass pats to another grown man. It’s weird because everything that Chad Johnson does is weird and I hope that the prison sex that he is forced into is also weird (although he’ll probably end up at some sort of halfway house-type place. It’s hilarious because OMG LOOK AT THAT BAILIFF! HE IS THE BEST! RICHARD MOLL WOULD BE PROUD! I haven’t enjoyed a random black man this much since Denard Robinson’s brother during the NFL Draft. And it’s admirable because the Judge immediately realized that letting this cocksucker off would be a huge mistake so she (Office Space) fixed the glitch. I have no problem with this whatsoever for the same reason that I had no problem with Gordon Gee firing himself. If you’re going to constantly be a douche bag then eventually it is going to bite you.

In other awesome Bengals-related arrests this week, Pacman Jones was nailed for hitting a woman at a bar over the weekend and then breaking the news of his recent conquest on his Twitter page. He claims that he was defending himself. Yeah, that defense does not work when it comes to women, Pacman. You should know this. Why the fuck is this guy still going to bars? It was a strip club, wasn’t it? It had to be.

Thus concludes my tour into the realm of Blogger’s Law. It is one that requires no actual time spent in law school but it is mandatory to treat everyone differently based on the color of their skin and love for giving themselves stupid nicknames. Also, what’s going on with this FBI raid of Azul Tequila in Nap? Is it possible for our Mexican restaurants to make it five years without getting nailed for illegal aliens? The sad thing is that the best Mexican food in town now is at Taco Bell. GO CATS!

34 comments:

Grumpy said...

Why would an illegal immigrant, with a choice of anywhere in the whole country, choose to settle in Nap Town?

GMoney said...

Tomato Capital of the World. It's like currency to them.

Spurs, BITCHES! Kawhi Leonard sick.

Anonymous said...

Its still raining 3s in San Antonio.

I think it was overblown and the judge is getting absolutely shit on for this 180 (rightfully). It will be overturned. As much as its laughable for a black man to be at court for domestic violence, fuck Evelyn Lozada. Golddiggers get what they deserve.

It wasnt a strip club, they were on a patio. The video is tremendous.

Ide

The Iceman said...

I'm on team G$. I have zero problem with Ochodickface getting 30 in the clink for this stunt. He obviously has zero respect for that judge's court. I mean...look at what he was wearing! A fucking polo shirt untucked? That tells you right there he never thought for a second he was going to jail.

Was the judge throwing her weight around a little? Sure. But I would do the same fucking thing if someone waltzed into my courtroom and tried to make a mockery of something I've dedicated my entire life to. Plus no one should ever come up with reasons to keep Chad Johnson out of jail. Oh yeah...and he head butted a woman so he should probably be in jail anyway.

GMoney said...

I say this all the time and it especially applies to Ocho...grow the fuck up. It's like he is starting to realize that no one cares about him any more (which is amazing that he is so self-aware) and is willing to do anything to stay in front of the camera. When does Kendall Jenner turn 18 because he is TOTES going to try to marry that.

Team G$ is a great team. One might say that we are ELITE. No one has ever called us OVERRATED. Needless to say, we are TRANSCENDENT.

Pacman lied and said that the skirmish took place at a Reds game which is home to K-Dog pie-facing some random dad for telling him to sit down. Reds baseball = violence.

Anonymous said...

Although it seems like a trivial move, this type of stuff happens all the time in court. I was at a hearing waiting for my client's name to be called when the defendant in front of him had a bond hearing at which his bond was set at $30k. After the judge announced his bond, the defendant began shouting at one of the witnesses against him by calling her a "fucking lying bitch". The defendant was taken out of the courtroom, only to be called back in by the judge who informed him he was raising his bond to $50k. The defendant then shouted at the judge "50k?! Make it $100k, I don't give a fuck!" The Judge then gladly made it $100k based on 10 seconds of dialogue this guy had. Normally, this type of exchange would have been hilarious, but as I mentioned, my client was next and you didn't want to catch this particular judge in a bad mood.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Also, I wouldn't be so sure this would get overturned. Chances are, Chad Johnson had more than 30 possible days hanging over his head. If Florida law is similar to Ohio, the judge is afforded a wide level of discretion to determine sentences and will rarely be overturned unless there is clear and convincing evidence that she abused that discretion. That is an extremely high and rarely met standard that only ever applies if the judge did something crazy. Sentencing someone to 30 days for not respecting the court or the bench is not crazy.

-Lil' Strut

Tonya said...

Settle down boys, this is all about to be overturned. Ocho's lawyer has submitted a motion to have this sentence reconsidered, and I'm pretty positive it will. He should've already been in jail for assaulting another human being, not for a simple 'atta boy. The Adam Jones situation is just ridiculous, this is one guy who just never learns. As a Bengals fan, I have to be somewhat empathetic to second chances, but this shit is getting real old real fast.

Anonymous said...

Tonya,

See my above post. What the attorney is doing is asking the sentencing judge, herself, to modify the sentence. That is possible, but still based on the same judge's discretion. If this went to an appellate court, I highly doubt it would be overturned.

-Lil' Strut

Tonya said...

Lil Strut,

I saw your post after I had already posted mine. I can definitely see this going either way and completely understand it is tough to overturn your own personal decision. My opinion is based more on how she was going to allow him to walk in the first place. Her decision changed once a courtroom busted up laughing due to a much less serious action. I don't understand why it was ok for this man to head butt a woman and not go to jail, but the minute he slaps another man's ass, it's off to the clink.

Anonymous said...

I'm assuming due to the high profile of the case that it would be overturned. This whole thing was nothing until she made it a national story (and two day late blog post!). Judges do this shit all the time, but I can't recall one time TMZ and every local beat writer was in the courtroom. And, from what I've read, she kind of goaded him into that. How often does the judge ask the defendant if he was happy with the lawyer (especially after a favorable deal)?

It could be posturing on her part to come off a a tough as nails woman judge, but it could also bite her in the ass if she wants to further her career and climb that judicial ladder.

She's pretty hot though.

Ide

Anonymous said...

He was already sentenced for the domestic violence charge. He was in court because he violated his probation stemming from that charge and the days the judge gave him are part of a "suspended sentence" that was hung over his head in case he messed up. The judge could have given him up to a year in jail for violating his probation, which is another factor that would work in favor of this not being an abuse of her discretion.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Ide,

I've seen judges bait defendants numerous times. I have then seen judges ask confusing and misleading questions to defendants after they slipped up in an effort to make their situation worse. When you are in a judges courtroom, fairness and the letter of the law do not matter nearly as much as what that judge says and interprets fairness and the law to mean. None of this surprises me in the slightest.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Fuck Ocho. I would have given him 30 years for disrespecting me if I were the world's sexiest judge.

LS, you are wise. This is why we keep you around.

The Iceman said...

I'm gonna listen to LS on this one since he's a practicing lawyer and clearly more informed than anyone else here. And OchoDickSniffer no longer plays for Cincy, Tonya. You don't have to defend his jackass ways anymore. That's the beauty of trades and cuts.

Anonymous said...

I assume Drew isnt posting because he is a huge pussy and I made him look like my bitch again on Monday?

Seal

GMoney said...

Nailed it, Seal.

By the way, I just saw that Chad was popped for domestic violence in college that he got probation for so he is a two time woman beater. Someone with that track record SHOULD be made an example of for continued asshattery.

Prime99 said...

I want to put LS on retainer. He knows what's up.

Ocho deserves every day of that judge's wrath. Grow up, dickwad. This is coming from an Internet commenter that just used the word "dickwad."

GMoney said...

He had to go to a MAC school to learn what's up. That undergrad work has proven to be completely pointless.

Tonya said...

Ummm... I'm a little confused on where I ever defended him during this little escapade, Ice.

GMoney said...

Look, we all know that you got your heartbroken by Rupe this week. We are trying to be supportive. IT GETS BETTER!!!

Brady said...

The video of the judge changing her mind was spectacular. The room went from jovial to uneasy in a millisecond. I'm all for sending Ochocinco to jail for as long as possible. What a douchebag.

WINDIANS are back!

Weather situation is shaping up to be awesome tonight! I will be drinking beers and following the festivities from my back porch. I'm sure between the Windians and looming weather apocalypse, it will be an awesome night on Twitter.

GMoney said...

Cakes brings up a rare good point: with the end of the world happening this evening, tomorrow's post is going to be more light in the loafers than usual so prepare some comment discussion to carry the survivors through the day. I'm not writing something really long if I'm going to be swirling around inside of a tornado all day tomorrow and can't respond.

Mr. Ace said...

My whole beef with what happened is that the judge reversed her decision based on the reaction of those in the court room. That's it. I don't think Ocho did it to get a laugh. I really don't. This decision came down to the judge stroking her own ego.

Anonymous said...

It would not surprise me if the judge handed down the sentence to stroke her own ego. Many judges like to flaunt the fact that they are the ultimate authority in their courtroom. However, the fact remains that they truly ARE the ultimate authority in their courtroom. Ego-trip or not, the judge does not need to do much to justify her sentence.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Also, I don't know what the procedure is in Florida, but there is a possibility that the judge could sit on the motion that was submitted for up to two weeks. That means Johnson could sit in jail for 2 weeks, or roughly half his sentence, before he even hears whether his sentence is being modified. Again, I don't know what the rule is in Florida regarding time limits to rule on such motions, but it would not surprise me if it is two weeks.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

LOL at thinking that Ocho wasn't trying to be the class clown there. SO DUMB!

The moral of the story is that you don't disrespect people that are superior to you. And, you know, grow the fuck up.

Florida is an awful state so I wouldn't put it past them to somehow catapult Chad to Cuba or something.

GMoney said...

And just one more time, that bailiff is the best. He is showcasing some serious Money Shot Man of the Year qualities in that GIF.

Anonymous said...

What is this world is ending tonight business? That new Seth Rogen movie or something?

Ide

GMoney said...

The Iron Belt's version of Hurricane Sandy apparently. Not sure how it effect the allergies of lesser men though.

Anonymous said...

I hope your homes get wind damage and you don't have proper insurance.

That will please me.

Ide

GMoney said...

My cloud and volcano insurance covers wind, too. I am a smart shopper.

Anonymous said...

I wish David E Kelley would have done a "The Practice" episode where some loud black athlete smacked Eugene on the ass. Televison gold

Mr. Ace said...

My point was he got fucked. Not arguing the legality of the judgement. But I have a feeling he won't be in jail longer than a week.

How do you get ready for a derecho in America?