"You will not fire me...I'm totes smart...I know what I'm doing...You will not fire me..."
The Detroit Pistons have finally ended their extensive round of interviews for their vacant head coaching job that will most certainly be vacant again in 2 years. And they decided to go with the decorated former Portland/Philadelphia head coach Maurice Edward "Mo" Cheeks. Jesus Christ. This organization's dedication to losing is fucking remarkable. I realize at this point that the Piston's head coaching job isn't that attractive. The city is a fucking sink hole and the team hasn't been relevant since 2008. But you're telling me the best you can come up with was a fucking coin flip between Mo Cheeks and Nate McMillan?? Just shameful.
This whole "getting Phil Jackson involved" thing was a God damn disaster from the start. And it ends in equally disastrous fashion with this pig shit of a hire. Here's a serious question that I would love a serious answer to. Just exactly what the fuck did Jackson do to aid in this coaching search besides make the Pistons look like a pathetic mess? Seriously! What?! I heard basically all he did was make a handful of visits and eventually tried selling Dumars on Brian Shaw...a guy who played AND coached under Jackson. So essentially Gores paid Phil Jackson to fly from LA, or wherever the fuck he lives, a couple of times just to tell Joe Dumars he should hire a buddy of his. Impressive way to waste money, fuck bag.
I was never a fan of getting Jackson involved to begin with. I heard a lot of mindless chatter from Pistons fans talking about how Detroit is finally going to get the right coach now that such a “great basketball mind” like Jackson is assisting in the quest. This was my issue from the start. If you’re paying Dumars to make these decisions that he has proven he clearly cannot make…then WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CONTINUE TO EMPLOY HIM?! It’s not like the fans are picketing for Dumars to retain his job. Everyone hates him and wants him gone. Dumars has shown over the last 5 years that he has no God damn idea what he’s doing. Bringing in someone to essentially teach him how to do his job 13 years later is flat out embarrassing for this franchise. Dumars is an idiot. Everyone knows that. Instead of making a fucking mockery out of the team, do what should have been done 3 years ago and send his ass to the unemployment line.
So fast forward to yesterday and the announcement of Mo Cheeks. Jackson was ignored every step of the way and Dumars made a dumb hire like he always does. I just have no words to properly express my frustration. I’ll never understand how guys who fail miserably as head coaches in the NBA continue to get considered for head coaching jobs when they have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt they don’t have what it takes. Cheeks has been fired twice in the last 13 years as a head coach and has finished over .500 only twice and people only remember him because he bailed out some chick who fucking bricked on the National Anthem. Yeah. That’s the guy I want coaching my team.
The only thing keeping me from leaping to my death today is knowing that no matter who the Pistons hire they will always be better than the Cavs. That is a FACT. On a side note: Wheelz had her bridal shower…or whatever the fuck it’s called this last Sunday. We made out like bandits and bridal showers are a definite check on the “pro” side of getting married. For example. We registered at triple B’s (Bed Bath and Beyond for the un-hip ones here), Target and Macy’s I think. While walking through triple B’s thinking of ways to hurt myself just enough to put me in the hospital but not enough to do permanent damage, I stumbled upon the pillow section. As a total joke, I grabbed that gun thingy they give you and beeped the softest most expensive pillow those fuckers had in the joint. I actually remember laughing and saying out loud, “No one is dumb enough to buy this for me”. I stand corrected, gents. I fucking cackled when I showed up to the last 30 minutes of the shower and saw this $200 (not kidding) beautiful bastard staring me in the face. THANKS IDIOT WHO BOUGHT THAT FOR ME!! Now all we need is that Margartiaville Margarita maker I secretly slid in the registry and we’re all set.