Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Justin Verlander Is Common Street Trash

Congrats on meeting Peter North.
I want to spend today making Drewser regret that he stepped up and challenged the always superior and more ELITE (and way more fertile I’m told) Prime. I feel like we’ve let him off the hook so far during his self-imposed week-long exile from commenting relevancy. This should be harder on him than we’ve made it thus far. So what sort of topic can we discuss that may tempt him since we already went after Ohio Football (kind of)…

Remember how the Home Run Derby is worthless and only serves as a reminder that your average American is an idiot that can be entertained by anything? Of course you do. It always delays the far superior Celebrity Softball Game from its scheduled air time and gives Chris Berman three straight hours of mouth queefing. Do you also remember how Jut Verlander likes to say and do dumb shit to get his name out in the press? You certainly do since he often leaks horrible lies such as him dating Kate Upton’s lush tits, how he eats Taco Bell every five days (impossible…no colon would allow it; not even Bartolo), the whole “Keep The MVP In The D” garbage while the team is fighting for their playoff lives, and now his dong swatting prowess. Rube Turdlander is such a bucket of diseased dicks and a shameless media whore.

Anyway, Cousin Merle-lander has started his own internet campaign to get voted into the Home Run Derby next month. He’s a pitcher who has never hit a home run in a game before but those are just inconvenient FACTS that get in the way of giving the people what they truly want! Jut says that he is a good batting practice home run hitter even citing that he once hit a BP homer over the Green Monster! WOW! How could anyone rip a 75 mph “heater” 280 feet? WAS GUINNESS THERE TO RECORD SUCH A FEAT!!!

Sugar Bear (yes, that is a Honey Boo Boo reference which is more than fitting) thinks that he could put three or four over the Citi Field wall if he was voted in by the fans while also acknowledging that he would probably hit zero. LOLWUT? Thanks for making no sense, Jut! This dude is such a fucking dorkbilly. It’s what should be expected from someone who graduated from Goochland High School. He looks like a guy who would be from someplace called Goochland.

I only bring this up because I’m sick and tired of this fecal plumb ruining my fantasy team by focusing on dumb shit like home run exhibitions and not on, you know, getting people out. Nice 3.70 ERA, jerk. Maybe this month you will become something more than Detroit’s 4th best starting pitcher. Congrats on pitching at a Rick Porcello-like level through a third of the season. You know how Drewser likes to say that Jut is the GOAT? He isn’t. Simple things like all statistics prove that. There are at least 40 guys in the league pitching better than Jut is this season. For the record, and I just checked, Gandee Candylander is 0-for-24 at the dish in his MLB career with 14 strikeouts. But don’t let FACTS get in the way of a stupid Twitter campaign.

That felt good. We’ll see if Drewser peaks his head out of Uncle T’s lap today to respond. If ripping on Jut can’t get you through the day, feel free to talk about Assdribble Cabrera’s twat-like quad, Justin Bieber looking like the biggest homo ever at game 7, or Stone Cold Steve Austin calling out Tony Romo as a pants shitter. That last one might be my favorite story of all time. I gave him a “HELL YEAH”.

You know what? Fuck this post. Let’s get Jut into the Home Run Derby. I GUARANSHEED that it would be embarrassing and we all want to see that. I mean, it’s always great to watch him fail deep in the playoffs and in the All Star Game but this could really up the ante for Verlander being a complete clown. Fuck that guy. He is the worst. Go give another handy to Frank Viola Junior. HEE HAW!

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

If he's in the Derby I would watch. For the first time ever.

MuDawgfan said...

http://www.goochlandsports.org/


Goochland High School calls themselves the Bulldogs and uses the UGA "G" as their logo.

Killing myself asap...

GMoney said...

YANKEES WIN...THEEEEEEEEEEE YANKEES WIN!!!

Losedians. Keep crying about the umpires, Cakes, you sound like Matt Underroos. Don't worry, no one is remembering that game against the A's anyway.

So what are everyone's thoughts on Bud trying to crush 20 guys with hundo game suspensions? He better leave my boy Cervelli alone.

The Iceman said...

I'm no baseball supporter...but I hope those roidbergers get pinched. Especially Braun for thinking that he escaped punishment. Because we all know he took roids.

Jeff said...

Harper for Jut.



David Murphy was the only Rangers "pitcher" last night to not give up a run. What's more LOLS? That fact, or the fact that the Red Sox couldn't score off a LF throwing 76 mph?

Anonymous said...

The umpiring was atrocious last night but it was not the reason the Tribe lost. We got one fucking hit off of David Fucking Phelps. That's why. This team's offense is so frustrating. They go through stretches where they hit everything in sight then they get completely baffled by the David Phelps' of the world for a week straight. Plus, playing at Yankee Stadium is a guaranteed loss for the Tribe.

Johnny Peralta is on roid list! Don't worry, Dut informed me that he won't be suspended. Rod Allen told him so.

-Damman

GMoney said...

As someone who ate all the shit that the '98 HR chase provided, it would be hypocritical of me to hold a pitchfork during this witch hunt. I just find it funny that 95% of the bros listed are brown. LULZ.

GMoney said...

The Tribe received four leadoff walks last night and only scored once (due to a Yankee Stadium Special from the awful Drew Stubbs). Get the brooms out.

Anonymous said...

I would not like Braun to get pinched. Not until next year at least. Not that he's not replaceable on my team, I just don't feel like looking for free agents.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide, have you gone to your Tribe/Yankees game yet or is that today?

Anonymous said...

It was Monday, but it rained like a bastard all day, and was forecasted to rain at night, so I said fuck it and watched that miserable basketball game instead.

Ill catch a Red Sox game there later this year. Tickets are pretty cheap in RF.

Ide

GMoney said...

In case you are keeping score at home, Ide has:

*not went to watch his Browns when they came to him this fall
*bailed on the zombie run for hilarious reasons
*threw away baseball tickets because of clouds
*probably more

What a shitheap.

Jeff said...

*came to Columbus for OSU Mich and passed out before game was over?!? (G$ will have to clarify)

The Iceman said...

#stuffIdesayshe'lldo.

New hashtag on Twitter. We'll have another event to add with that hashtag come August. 10th to be exact.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I don't regret not seeing the Browns get ass raped in front of a bunch of fat ass mouth breathing Jerseyites cheering on the Giants.

Totes take the blame on Zombie Run. That was the most worthless trip to Ohio, ever.

I don't care about baseball at all aside from my fantasy team, so me eating $25 to see two teams I could give two shits less about is what it it is. I do plan on seeing a Yankees game or two this summer, and the Indians game seemed fitting so I can troll the majority of people here.

Maybe I'll wait until August to see them play the Tigers, so I can troll the other half of you guys.

I did show up to Columbus for a Rib Fest and a baseball draft. I did go to TWO NFL Drafts (2 more than the rest of you put together!). And if Dut will not be gay this year, I'll be there for the DFL draft and Ice's wedding.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I will be at the Jets game this November.

If we can't beat the Jets, I give up.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

I want to hate on Verlander, but he got to touch Upton's tits. Watching him strike out during the Derby would be a good watch.

Ide's flukiness adds to his charm. I real wild card, that guy.

Pretty sure any suspensions handed out will be appealed and beaten. Without a positive test I don't see how they can give out these suspensions.

Frozen bananas, watermelon, strawberries, lemon juice, peanut butter, and flaxseed = best smoothie ever ever.

GMoney said...

Browns vs. Jets...that will be a hot ticket!

I don't care about baseball at all but I have no problem purchasing tickets! You don't see me buying up a bunch of Crew tickets, jerk.

Ape, he lied about dating Upton. Did you see her at Yankee Stadium the other night wearing the NY hat? Clearly she has always been one of Jeter's ladies.

Exactly. No failed test = nice try, Bud, but you lose again. It would be like if Andy Dufresne got out of Shawshank based on the testimony of that Elvis-looking kid who couldn't read. Oh sure, that's a reliable source.

GMoney said...

HEY CAKES, PLEASE LIVE-TWEET THIS AFTERNOON'S SWEEP. KTHNXBAI!

Prime99 said...

The Yankees would love A-Fraud to get suspended- maybe they'd try to void his contract? That would be A-Bomb!

I like Iceman's new hash tag- will have to put that to use later in the day.

Jut is on my fantasy team and I recently tried to deal him with no luck. One would think people would be chomping at the bit to grab him if he was the GOAT. Unfortunately, he's not.

GMoney said...

It would not surprise me at all if the Steinbrenners were the main people pushing for these heavy suspensions. They truly hate that guy which is hilarious and sad.

GMoney said...

I just read the few comments from after hours last night and I am puzzled why Iceman waited until 8:30 to reference The Brothers Hoyt who are pretty much just like The BRAHs. Not really but they are the best du-bro that Nap ever produced.

The Iceman said...

Bravo for resurrecting that comment today. I was concerned that bit of outstanding information would get lost in the after hours mix. We were double Hoyt for a few years with the Tigers. And they were the biggest pain in my dad's ass you can imagine. Next time you see IceDad (August 10) do yourself a favor and bring up the Hoyt brothers. He still refers to them as "The Moron Twins"...an ELITE reference from the movie Splash.

One Hoyt brother (the elder I believe) actually requested practice end early one night so he could get home in time to watch The Simpsons. IceDad's reaction was priceless. Something to the effect of asking if there were any other inconveniences he would like to address or if there were any other luxuries he would like to add.

GMoney said...

To be fair, practice wasn't helping you guys but having a mental rolodex full of Simpsons quotes can last a lifetime.

Mr. Ace said...

I lived across the street from the Hoyt bros. One time the younger one was hanging onto the back of a speeding car while wearing roller blades. He fell and there were literally layers of skin on the pavement from the road rash. It was hilarious. They would also walk around with bb guns and shoot birds off of telephone poles. Real brahs.

GMoney said...

GOT PRONK?

More Hoyt stories please!

Anonymous said...

You can tell Saunders to Hoyt this!

GMoney said...

HASHTAG WINDIANS HASHTAG TRIBETOWN HASHTAG ITSSIXTONOTHINGALREADY

GMoney said...

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!!

Go back to Goochland, VA, ya rubes!

Anonymous said...

I'm really glad I checked the comments late last night to find a "Hoyt This" reference! I'm still laughing nearly 24 hours later...anywho, I wanted to commend you for that great splash reference today. "Nobody's here, except me & the Moron twins." -Eugene Levy. "Were not twins" -Moron #1. Icedad hit it out of the park with that call. I think that line was written specifically for the Hoyt's. Kudos Icefam

Burke