Thursday, June 06, 2013

I'll Take The Rapists for $400

Turd Ferguson is an icon.
I was sitting on the throne at work yesterday doing my usual contemplation of what I could write for the following day’s post. As is customary, I was coming up with nothing. I could write about the NBA Finals but only Ace cares about that and, by law, that means that no one else does. That was out of the picture. I wanted to throw a going away party for Enema Gordon Gee but then I would be one of those people who cares when complete strangers retire. And then I thought about how backed up my DVR is because the wife is working an assload of hours this week and someone could walk in the house at any moment and think that it was ME who was recording the premiere of America’s Got Talent. IT IS NOT NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

And then it dawned on me: game shows. Everyone loves or has gone through phases in which they enjoyed game shows. They require no thought and are usually entertaining. I haven’t had the flu in well over a decade because I am a man and not a gash but back in the day, the best part of staying home from school sick was that you could watch game shows. So that is the topic du jour: G$’s Rankings of the Ten Best Game Shows of My Lifetime.

Honorable Mention: Hollywood Squares – It lost a lot of points when they got rid of Shadoe Stevens and Jim J. Bullock.
The Weakest Link – Eh, it was OK but that little British bitch was a huge bitch.

10. (tie) Guts/Legends of the Hidden Temple – To be honest, I couldn’t remember which Nickelodeon show was which and I wasn’t about to do a simple google search. I preferred the one with the video game obstacle course though.

9. Press Your Luck – The late, great Peter Tomarken was the most underrated host in game show history. NO WHAMMY! BIG BUCKS! STOP!

8. Classic Concentration – Was this hosted by Alex Trebek? I think that it was. Either way, I was really good at this as I could remember where all the matches were and was able to solve the puzzles. I was a real dual threat.

7. Deal or No Deal – This fad didn’t last for very long because NBC decided to cram it down our throats every night, but man, it was enjoyable. I always loved getting so involved with telling the banker to fuck off with his offer that it was quite pathetic. I’m not sure that any game required less skill than this one. It was literally all luck but the models were so hot.

6. Double Dare – Marc Summers, SON! Although I have to say that Family Double Dare was the all-time worst because no one wants to see some stupid mom and dad compete in challenges. LAME.

5. Jeopardy – I’m just not that big of a fan as I find it kind of boring. Sure, Trebek is the finest goddamn treasure to ever come out of Canada but it does very little for me. However, I think we can all agree that SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy is one of the finest parodies of all time (and I’ve seen Pirates which is also an ELITE parody).

4. The Price Is Right – Drew just doesn’t have it like Bob did. No one looked better holding a weird thin dick microphone than Bob Barker. What Trebek is to Canada, Bobby B is to ‘merica. It will be a sad day when he dies and becomes the great neuterer in the sky. I only have this slotted at four because now that I’m older I can finally see that the showcase with the living room set is WAY better than the one with the shitty small car with no features. You don’t realize that as a kid but it is always true. A great couch is far superior to an average at best car.

3. Wheel of Fortune – I am so good at this game. SO GOOD. Challenge me in a bar on one of those bar game computer things some time and feel my wrath. I can often solve those bastards with only one letter. One time I got it without any letters. It was one of the proudest days of my life yet probably no one will confirm it. Pat Sajak and Vanna White (WOULD DO BOTH) are the dynamic duo of game shows.

2. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire – I LOVED this show when it debuted while I was a college freshman as did a good chunk of the people who lived in my hall. Many of you are probably too young to remember the significance of this show, but it captivated the entire goddamn nation. Every week, I would burn up calling cards (LOL remember those?) trying to get on and have America fall in love with me and give Regis a big bear hug. One time I made it through the initial screening process but those faggots at ABC ignored me on the second pass. And now it is canceled. This is not a coincidence.

1. Family Feud – It is especially ELITE when they have some stereotypical black family on who ends up winning the game somehow but getting a combined 6 points during Fast Money or whatever they call it. For the record, Louie Anderson is the best host ever (and I wrote a post 6 years ago ranking Family Feud hosts…this site used to be MUCH different). Ray Combs is second. Family Feud rules.

Like I said before, everyone has an opinion on which game show is their favorite which should carry us through the day. As a warning/reminder, Drew comes off the DL tomorrow so we’re all going to have to deal with that. I surveyed 100 people and none of them are excited about his return. “NO” was the #1 answer.


Grumpy said...

I thought Meredith Viera was still doing Millionaire.

GMoney said...

Is she? Huh, well it's a watered down version of what it was. Regis or GTFO.

Anonymous said...

I never watched Millionaire, and I HATE Howie Mandel. I forgot how much I did until I watched Deal or No Deal. Its a fucking game show, stop being so overly serious.

Family Feud is good times. Ill add in Supermarket Sweep. Granted, they always found the fattest of sweathogs to compete, but watching those lardasses lumber around at top speed was fucking hilarious. Erotic to Damman.

I think Concentration with Trebek was my favorite growing up. Loved that gameshow.

$20000 Pyramid anyone?


MuDawgfan said...

Wow - two major omissions already G$.
No "Shop till you Drop" or "Supermarket Sweep" ??

Mid day USA network had the best game shows when you were sick at home, you just couldn't let your parents catch you jerking off to Le Feme Nikita re-runs.

There used to be a show on Nickelodeon called "Finders Keepers" where kids ransacked a house looking for prizes. I remember thinking it was a less slimey version of Double Dare:

Anonymous said...

And Guts featured the AGROCRAG. It is also to this day the most ELITE Halloween costume around.


Grumpy said...

What's My Line? was the greatest.

GMoney said...

OH SNAP! Dawg and Ide, you each are allowed to give me ten lashes for my omission of Supermarket Sweep (always load up on hams!) and Shop 'Till You Drop. A game show about grocery shopping! Who'd a thunk it!

That USA game show block was the best.

GMoney said...


"My girlfriend was on Let's Make A Deal with Wayne Brady last Fall. She got zonked...dumb girl picks the other door and we have a free bad ass vacation."

Silly Drewser, nothing is ever free. You're paying the taxes on everything that Wayne Brady blacks your way.

GMoney said...

Also Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego had its charm. Rockapella can eat all the ass though. So could that black woman illogical.

MuDawgfan said...

Where in the World was Carmen Sandiego was filmed in Detroit - so it's 100% plausible they had a black police chief.

I never really got much enjoyment out of "Win Lose or Draw" - although I remember playing it over at friends houses growing up.

"Name that tune" was another old school show that USA would sometimes show. I never knew any of the songs though and almost always fell asleep during the show.

Prime99 said...

Card Sharks is the last remaining USA game show rerun not mentioned, I think. It was nowhere near as good as Press Your Luck, but it was solid.

Fear Factor was pretty funny (especially with Tyrone Biggums!) but I'm not sure if that strays too far away from a game show. If it doesn't, then American Gladiators deserves a mention as well.

Dawg makes a good point about the police chief of "Hockey Town."

GMoney said...

You really nailed Name That Tune. It's a great concept but they only used songs by Lawrence Welk and Perry Como. I liked the arrogance and smack talk between the contestants.

"Nahhh, bitch, I'll crush that shit in ONE NOTE!"

Jeff said...

Stump the Schwab. It was great watching that old fat asshole get beat by some youngin and it was sports trivia.

GMoney said...

Anyone still watching the NHL Playoffs? The game last night was incredible. Rask did his best BOB impression.

Also when did it become illegal to whack Jeff Carter in the face with a stick?

GMoney said...

Oh man, how did I forget about possibly the GOAT game show...

BEAT THE GEEKS! Also a great masturbation reference. Win Ben Stein's Money and Make Me Laugh were also solid Comedy Central game shows but Beat the Geeks was the best.

The Iceman said...

If you compete for some kind of prize then I think it has to be considered a game show. Having said that I think American Gladiators would top my list. Nothing beats a bunch of Shawn Thompsons running around thinking they still have the goods 20 years past their prime while getting trucked by a bunch of steroid abusers. The best game was Assault. Where the Gladiators would fire tennis balls at the contestants at 100MPH. Tied for best is Powerball. I loved watching the Gladiators go fucking beast mode on the contestants after they were able to get a few points. God dammit that show was awesome.

After doing some research I found out one of the female Gladiators missed a season because of maternity leave. Which is both shocking and disgusting. Shocking because I assumed all the females were lesbians. And gross disgusting because penetrating that muscle pussy would be like trying to fuck John Cena's bicep.

Brady said...

Louie Anderson OVER Ray Combs? That shit is WHACK! I couldn't do anything other than watch the gap in Louie's teeth. It look away the enjoyment of the game.

$10,000 pyramid was solid, Ide.

I'm also ashamed to admit that I used to watch the Dating Game when I was a kid. It was stupid but I couldn't force myself to turn the channel.

GMoney said...

I have a very strange non-gay attraction to Louie Anderson (although I did not watch SPLASH! because I have integrity). I just loved how fucking HUGE he was and that every time he ad-libbed, it was always a fat joke at his own expense. That's my kind of humor.

What was the show that Chuck Woolery hosted (ELITE host)? Love Connection maybe? Any show that uses the phrase "making whoopie" is OK by me.

I would put American Gladiators more in the category of reality TV than game show because you never run the risk of paralysis while spinning the wheel with Pat Sajak. You do when JUSTICE is trying to behead you.

Prime99 said...

Love Connection! Didn't the audience vote/choose the date by percentages? Great concept! We need more of that.

Pretty funny that Match Game and Password have not come up. Fuck the generation above us! Grumpy's cool though.

GMoney said...

FUCK GRUMPY is right!

What was the network that aired Supermarket Sweep and Shop Til You Drop? Was it Lifetime? If it was then I can officially say that at one time in my life, I knew what channel Lifetime was on.

Anonymous said...

No, it was TBS. However, I'm fuzzy on what it came on after, and it has been bothering me all day. They were known to play back to back episodes of the Simpsons AND Saved by the Bell. So I assume it was one of those. Internet research must be conducted!


Grumpy said...

Love Connection was outstanding! Didn't they show clips from the dates? Chuck Woolery is now pitching reverse mortgages to make a living. At least it's not as bad as Tony Siragusa selling Depends for Men.

GMoney said...

Or Joe Theismann selling generic prostate pills.

Chuck Woolery still looks good though. He's like Tom Selleck. Those studs never age.

Anonymous said...

After more extensive research than probably warranted, it was indeed on Lifetime. However, I never watched Lifetime unless I stayed home from school and my mom had it on. I never watched Supermarket Sweep just to see it, it usually came on after something I was already watching in that dreaded 6-8pm timeslot where it was just the news and/or baseball on TBS (starting at 5 past the hour/half hour!).

Maybe I watched Golden Girls more than I remembered. That show was pretty ELITE, yeah, I said it.


Anonymous said...

I know it's old, but how about MTV's Remote Control?

Adam Sandler, Colin Quinn, Denis Leary, Jenny McCarthy, and Carmen Electra.

GMoney said...

Just because it's old doesn't mean that it sucked. Remote Control was a great show. With as much TV as I watch, I'd bet that I would rule that shit.

Nate said...

The Indians were so close to wearing blackface logos on their hats for the July 4th game: