Thursday, June 13, 2013

If You Can Read This Then You Are Not Dead

Hello, all. If you are reading this, you somehow survived the impending end of the world that was crashing down upon the Midwest overnight. It sounds like it could be/was pretty intense. We were lead to believe that this comma-shaped bitch from the west was bringing 80-100 mph winds with it, tornadoes, and hail the size of Grumpy’s prostate (which I assume is huge since he is old and bad). I am absolutely terrified that my roof will be eviscerated and my fence completely gone by the time that I woke up today from what I keep hearing is on the way. I also guarantee that if this storm comes through after I’ve already fallen asleep that I will not wake up when it rolls through because I am an ELITE sleeper.

I fully anticipate losing power tonight which means no air conditioning and that means a surly G$. If I lose power at home, it sure as shit is going to fuck with the office, too. So with those things factored in, I’m mailing this one in today as I don’t want to use all of my remaining pre-stormageddon energy on a blog. I want to spend that time with the ones I love. LOL just kidding, I would never do that.

This sort of shit is right up Brady’s wheelhouse (his anus) which makes it even more annoying. These asshole weather men better have been wrong. During those heavy winds 4-5 years ago, we lost power for over two days and I wanted to DIE. It was the worst. No one suffered more than I did during that brutal stretch. So I guess today we can talk about whatever and hopefully we can all report this morning that we never lost power, our houses did not get blown away, Brady gives great head, and Stan Stachak/Jym Ganahl can eat shit.

Please don’t get all uppity about how I switch verb tenses seemingly every other sentence. I am well aware of that glitch in the normally terrific writing. Even in a mail-in post, it’s hard to write about the future from the present as if the future is the past. Confused? Good enough, then we’re done here. Just know that if I don’t comment before 9 AM then I am DEAD and you all have to have tender sex with my corpse. It’s what I want. We’ll come up with something better for tomorrow if any of us lived through last night. YOLO!

36 comments:

Grumpy said...

We had nothing overnight and my prostate has already been surgically reduced.

Anonymous said...

Velveeta!!!

Seal

Jeff said...

That was ridiculous with the local weather shitheads last night. Picture in Picture for the hockey game until overtime with jYm Ganahl talking almost through the entire thing. I need Don Emrick damnit!!!

Prime99 said...

Game 1 was one of the best sporting events I've ever watched. By 3OT, I was just tired watching those guys battle it out. 2 days off is well deserved to make sure both teams can walk/skate in Game 2.

Oh, and I hope you guys didn't die.

Grumpy said...

Who is Don Emrick?

Jeff said...

*Doc, Grump

The Iceman said...

Shit didn't happen here until like 3am after I was long passed out.

Jason Kidd coaching the Nets? What a hilariously idiotic choice. "Today, men. I'm going to teach you how to properly beat a woman. Pay attention because I'm only going to fuck this girl up once....hahaha. Just kidding. We'll go over it as many times as we need to. I like to be thorough when I teach."

Anonymous said...

LULZ! My office lost its roof! So I'm a nomad the next week. Terrific.

--$

Anonymous said...

lol I called it.

Ide

MuDawgfan said...

Just shitty sideways rain here in Cincinnati.
Storm of the decade? That designation is reserved for the September with "Thunder" Don Treadwell washes out UC in Miami's home opening.

WHERE MY MONEY BITCHES????

Anonymous said...

Up in Napoleon we had a few tornado warnings around us, but nothing ever touched down. A few trees were uprooted in the southern part of the county, but just a strong storm for about an hour was all we got.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

That was the biggest over reaction of a storm ever. People all of a sudden think we are in Oklahoma because they saw it on tv. I GUARANSHEED commenter Daniels wife went to the basement last night.

Laugh while you can at valverde. Our GM has stones and will make a deal for a closer and maybe even another arm in the bullpen. Valverde had a great run in Detroit, danced all over the windians a lot, but now he gots ta go. 93 mph fastballs with no other pitches in your arsenal ain't gonna work. #hegone

Dut

Anonymous said...

Well Dut is obviously a bigger idiot than Drew. You can say #hegone, once he is actually gone. Until then, your leadership (including Leyland) looks like a bunch of assholes for letting that guy keep blowing games.

Seal

GMoney said...

I slept through all of it last night. El Nino was a Los Pussy. Not TRANSCENDENT at all.

How big of a fag is Dut? He talks about Jut's throbbing clitoris constantly but when I offer him up for Joey Bats, he gets scared and balks. Jut for Joey Bats is a solid deal for both parties...especially for a guy who is getting murdered by Cain, Hamels, and Weaver as his top 3.

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal...Leyland is not an idiot. He's forcing Dombrowskis hand. If he doesn't roll him out, then he stays....forcing him to play is the only way to force them to make a move.

That storm wasn't shit. LOLZ @ G$s vagina getting worked up over it.

I'd rather have Kidd than Cheekz.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I was not worked up at all. This entire post was sarcastic and an excuse not to do anything.

I would not necessarily say that the storm was shit though because the roof at my office is beyond hilarious right now. They gave me a huge skylight!

Jason Kidd was a terrible hire. That Russian guy is a toolshed.

Unloaded Ryan Howard's black ass on Ide for JJ Hardy which now allows me to finally dump Rickie Weeks. I am getting rid of two black guys this week. HUGE.

Prime99 said...

David Terrell says he would've cut off both his testicles to play with Jay Cutler! LOLZ!

GMoney said...

Catler still don't care. Being castrated is the #1 quality of a Michigan Man.

Anonymous said...

Slow seal- being in a division where the 2nd place team is the windians allows our leadership to experiment with turds like valverde. If it doesn't work out, we are still in first place and will still win our 3rd straight central championship. If you want to compare our "asshole" leadership to your windians elite leadership I'm ready! It's funny that you're so critical of valverde when your closer is getting weed mailed to his house while he's on the DL.

Seal really is the worst.

Dut

Anonymous said...

When did I compare anything the Tigers are doing to the Indians. Your rebuttal's are terrible because they are so easy to predict. "blah blah blah... windians... LOLZ... tigers are better... etc." And you cant troll any Tribe fans here becuase we all know Perez being hurt and a pothead is a blessing in disguise. No one wants him in Clevleand.

My point was made that your leadership looks like assholes to keep playing a bum. And what both you are Drew are saying is "we are ok with losing games while testing out a potential closer". There is no possible way this is true. No team is going to say they are ok with losing a game while tinkering with possible closers options. Velveeta is the best you have and the best you can get right now, you and your leadership believes that - that is why he comes in in the 9th inning.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I think Leyland just wanted to troll Verlanders good game.

Ide

Jeff said...

Playing in the AL Central does give you the luxury of tickering with closers, intentional or not.

GMoney said...

HOWEVAH, if you keep fucking around with that Grilled Stuft Burrito, you run the risk of not getting homefield throughout which is what should happen when you play in the AL NORF/Central. Tinkering isn't a very good argument because you know exactly what that shithead has to offer. You can tinker with Bruce Rondon.

I'm taking at least a 2 hour lunch today and plan on leaving an hour early because last night's storm still has me mentally fragile and handicapped.

Brady said...

BG got slammed last night! Tornado sirens went off three times. It was an ELITE night. I drank beers, listened to the WINDIANS, played with the WINDIANS on the PS3 and had updating radar on the iPad. I'm still rock hard just thinking about it.

Prime99 said...

I wonder if my work will let me off early due to the stress of "worrying about my friends in the Midwest due to the violent storms." I would then go enjoy the perfect weather here and pour one out for you guys.

GMoney said...

I really should have taken pics of the damage at my office. I'm still LOLZing hard. Never forget.

"Friends"??? That seems a bit presumptuous, no?

The Iceman said...

Man. That Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell was fucking magical at 3AM, was it not??

The Indians suck and have no shot at the post season. So it doesn't matter that their closer is a bigger weed dealer than a certain wrestling coach from Napoleon. On the other hand, since the Tigers are bound for the post season...these games Valveeta is blowing could come back to haunt them. Which is why Tigers fans should be a little more concerned than they currently are. I think that's what's going on here...

Anonymous said...

thank you Iceman - my point exactly...

Seal

GMoney said...

You earned a gold INTENSITY star for that last comment, Ice.

Prime99 said...

I didn't say it had to be the truth...

Anonymous said...

Iceman- I have to thank you for this gem

"So it doesn't matter that their closer is a bigger weed dealer than a certain wrestling coach from Napoleon"

Burke

The Iceman said...

I knew there would be more than a few who would appreciate the weed dealing analogy. Never forget, Napoleon.

Anonymous said...

Those are the type of things that separate the Napoleon community from others. What a city!

Anonymous said...

Big deal, apparently the 8th grade basketball coach at my middle school got over ten years in prison for peddling child pornography. Among the stash were pictures of "shirts vs skins" from practice.

That's good hustle.

Another teacher, who was a real BRAH, that was my 7th grade history teacher dated a classmate of mine after we graduated.

Not illegal, but still, worth mentioning.

Ide

GMoney said...

Coach Wrestling Van was a terrific assistant 8th grade football coach. That team was more poorly coached than the Dallas Cowboys.

Anonymous said...

Phil shoots a 67 today!!

Damman- I'm glad you got to stay home from work to watch your boy. Let's hope tegro shoots a 74+ this afternoon

Where's Faldo