|NO, WOOOO!, YES, DEAD|
DeMarcus Cousins - NEVER FORGET!
Richard Williams - When Venus won Wimbledon in 2000, pops screamed, and I shit you not, "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON"! That. Is. Awesome. I'm sure the The Queen got the reference. By the way, I just want to reiterate that I love Serena Williams. Don't you judge me.
Dale Earnhardt - The Intimidator loved to race and comb crumbs out of his ELITE mustache. God bless the man (and Texas) for sacrificing his own life so that his loser son could finish second.
Wayne Gretzky - His daughter is a very sexy whore who has banged numerous athletes so I'm going to count this. He's done a great job. Dustin Johnson is a very lucky average golfer.
Patrick Roy - The new Avalanche coach got into a fight during one of his son's games in Canada a few years ago while he was coaching which led to a suspension. Do NOT fuck with Canadian Junior Hockey.
Jerry Sandusky - Well, he was a father figure to all of those Second Mile kids!
Jim Pierce - Remember Mary Pierce? She was a thing on the tennis courts in the late 90's. Yeah, her dad got into hot water when he yelled to his daughter "KILL THE BITCH" during a match. Jim Pierce demands blood. And the WTA had to make rules to prevent this type of behavior from happening again.
Karl Malone - He has literally told two of his bastard kids that he won't give them any money. They are both professional athletes which says something about his sperm power and his ability to deliver the mail, but little about how big of an asshole he is.
Q-Tip - Most of you don't know this cat but he used to violate Dut's sister in high school so you know he is all class. He offered this advice on Facebook yesterday regarding fatherhood:
George Foreman - He has like twenty kids and they're all named George. Hell of an indoor grill salesman though.
Earl Woods - I don't know if he sucked or not, but the SNL check where Tim Meadows plays Tiger and Tracy Morgan plays Earl and glues the clubs to Tiger's hands and whatnot is major LULZ.
Ric Flair - Can you even imagine being a child of The Nature Boy? It has to be so embarrassing. I only mention Flair because his youngest son died a few months ago. Cause of death, you ask? HEROIN OVERDOSE! Stylin' and profilin' indeed.
Jack Harbaugh - DUH BRAH!
Papa Hoyt - Got to respect The Moron Twins! Hoyt this.
Any parent that you know that gets loud or violent with a coach or an umpire - Everyone knows someone who acts like this. These people are worse than OJ Simpson.
LeBron's Dad - This might be the biggest upset in the history of the world. We do not know who his old man is for certain. There are rumors, of course, because Gloria is a filthy prostitute but no one has claimed the best athlete on the planet yet. No one has even offered a DNA taste. This is incredible. Actually, you know what, it's probably smart thinking. Nobody wants to end up like Michael Jordan's father (murdered).
Finally, Shawn Kemp, Antonio Cromartie, and Travis Henry - At least 25 kids between the three with at least 15 different jersey chasers. Top notch work, men.
As usual, feel free to add your own terrific sports dads into the mix if I forgot some people (I did). The one name I absolutely had to include was Jackie BRAH so I feel like this was a job well done. Sort of off topic but does anyone remember the story from last summer where an umpire got assaulted after a game a Berliner by asshole parents? It was all over the news for a week or so and the team was disbanded. Well, GUESS WHO I'M WORKING WITH NEXT SATURDAY! I'm going to beat some ass if they step up to me. You tell those parents that they can Hoyt this.