Monday, June 17, 2013

Happy Belated Father's Day, Jerks!

Have we done this post before?  I feel like this is a fresh idea.  I can remember doing the worst sons (Hi Reid boys!) but not the "best" dads in the business.  And since you can't turn on your TV this week without hearing about how terrific Phildo Mickelson is at the sport of parenting and cheating on his wife constantly (if you can't see how big of a phony this guy is then you are a rube), this seems fitting.  Who are the best dads in sports?  Well, I spent a whole 40 minutes of research on this and here they are (in no particular order):

DeMarcus Cousins - NEVER FORGET!

Richard Williams - When Venus won Wimbledon in 2000, pops screamed, and I shit you not, "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON"!  That.  Is.  Awesome.  I'm sure the The Queen got the reference.  By the way, I just want to reiterate that I love Serena Williams.  Don't you judge me.

Dale Earnhardt - The Intimidator loved to race and comb crumbs out of his ELITE mustache.  God bless the man (and Texas) for sacrificing his own life so that his loser son could finish second.

Wayne Gretzky - His daughter is a very sexy whore who has banged numerous athletes so I'm going to count this.  He's done a great job.  Dustin Johnson is a very lucky average golfer.

Patrick Roy - The new Avalanche coach got into a fight during one of his son's games in Canada a few years ago while he was coaching which led to a suspension.  Do NOT fuck with Canadian Junior Hockey.

Jerry Sandusky - Well, he was a father figure to all of those Second Mile kids!

Jim Pierce - Remember Mary Pierce?  She was a thing on the tennis courts in the late 90's.  Yeah, her dad got into hot water when he yelled to his daughter "KILL THE BITCH" during a match.  Jim Pierce demands blood.  And the WTA had to make rules to prevent this type of behavior from happening again.

Karl Malone - He has literally told two of his bastard kids that he won't give them any money.  They are both professional athletes which says something about his sperm power and his ability to deliver the mail, but little about how big of an asshole he is.

Q-Tip - Most of you don't know this cat but he used to violate Dut's sister in high school so you know he is all class.  He offered this advice on Facebook yesterday regarding fatherhood:

all u fuck boys mkn babys n not tkn care of em need 2 cut that shit out! i look @ my son & cudnt imagine abandoning him! u need 2 b shot wlkn around callin urselves men knowin u hv young 1s 2 tk care the fk up
Terrific.  Q-Tip is the best.  Prime is a fuck boy.
George Foreman - He has like twenty kids and they're all named George.  Hell of an indoor grill salesman though.

Earl Woods - I don't know if he sucked or not, but the SNL check where Tim Meadows plays Tiger and Tracy Morgan plays Earl and glues the clubs to Tiger's hands and whatnot is major LULZ.

Ric Flair - Can you even imagine being a child of The Nature Boy?  It has to be so embarrassing.  I only mention Flair because his youngest son died a few months ago.  Cause of death, you ask?  HEROIN OVERDOSE!  Stylin' and profilin' indeed.

Jack Harbaugh - DUH BRAH!

Papa Hoyt - Got to respect The Moron Twins!  Hoyt this.

Any parent that you know that gets loud or violent with a coach or an umpire - Everyone knows someone who acts like this.  These people are worse than OJ Simpson.

LeBron's Dad - This might be the biggest upset in the history of the world.  We do not know who his old man is for certain.  There are rumors, of course, because Gloria is a filthy prostitute but no one has claimed the best athlete on the planet yet.  No one has even offered a DNA taste.  This is incredible.  Actually, you know what, it's probably smart thinking.  Nobody wants to end up like Michael Jordan's father (murdered).

Finally, Shawn Kemp, Antonio Cromartie, and Travis Henry - At least 25 kids between the three with at least 15 different jersey chasers.  Top notch work, men.

As usual, feel free to add your own terrific sports dads into the mix if I forgot some people (I did).  The one name I absolutely had to include was Jackie BRAH so I feel like this was a job well done.  Sort of off topic but does anyone remember the story from last summer where an umpire got assaulted after a game a Berliner by asshole parents?  It was all over the news for a week or so and the team was disbanded.  Well, GUESS WHO I'M WORKING WITH NEXT SATURDAY!  I'm going to beat some ass if they step up to me.  You tell those parents that they can Hoyt this.


Anonymous said...

Cecil Fielder.

Randy Johnson.

Larry Bird.


Nate said...

Rae Carruth

Nate said...

Spurs are about to win their 5th title since 1999. All that's being talked about is whether or not Miami will live up to their promise of 7(?) titles, when the real news is San Antonio's big three will actually do it at some point.

Grumpy said...

Michael Lohan, although he was entertaining on Dr. Drew's rehab show.

GMoney said...

Rae Carruth is an inspired is Cecil. I'm not sure how Michael Lohan qualifies today, penisface.

PHIL SUCKS. Way to get beat by an exact replica of a cock.

MuDawgfan said...

"I just want to reiterate that I love Serena Williams. Don't you judge me."

Which one is she again? The sassy black lady with the huge ass? Or is that the other one.

Anonymous said...

Serena is the one that looks exactly like the male Ape you saw at the zoo last time you were there.


GMoney said...

Who goes to the zoo? Seal likes to rape Jack Hanna.

I'm making some nice money alternating who I bet on every game in the NBA Finals. It is pretty easy to figure out who is going to win these things before they start. FYI, I'm rolling with "not sixes, not sevens" tomorrow. Also, betting the Bruins tonight. The Blackhawks haven't won their first road playoff game of a series yet. GAMBLOR!

Anonymous said...

Youre just pissed becuase you know im right - and that you admitted to being attracted to something that looks incredibly similar to a less hairy Gorilla.


The Iceman said...

"Serena is the one that looks exactly like the male Ape you saw at the zoo last time you were there"

Seal for the win. Splendid uppercut there, son.

Father of the year definitely goes to Wheelz dad. So this past weekend was the anniversary of her accident (Saturday) and of her best friend dying from it (Sunday). Saturday and Sunday came and went without a single call or text from her dad on the worst weekend of her life that changed it forever. Pretty solid guy, right? It gets better. His other daughter (who is 18 and moved with him to Florida 2 weeks ago) flew back to Ohio yesterday because she is going to Vegas this weekend for the bachelorette party. He called Wheelz sister last night to make sure she made it okay. As of this morning...still nothing. I guess I should have expected something like this from a guy who got engaged this past February and never told Wheelz about it.

Prime99 said...

Whaat?! I alzo colnt magin abandinin ma sun!!

Neither Williams girl is hot, c'mon, G$.

GMoney said...

The dong wants what it wants. I am powerless over it.

By the way, I'm back at the office today as they have sort of fixed the roof damage. The best part is that the air conditioning doesn't work and the windows don't open. It's like a goddamn sauna in here. By 2 pm today, I'm going to be sweating like Patrick Ewing at the free throw line.

Anonymous said...

Little you know about wearing underwear is that it actually serves as a protection for whatever you have down there. Perhaps most of the time that you have been wearing underwear is that you have not even really tried to think about why are you actually wearing underwear. Does wearing underwear really essential? Do people get the choice not to wear one? Yes, of course, you all have the choice not to wear underwear but beware because in some countries, like Thailand, it is actually prohibited to not wear underwear when you are in public places. So mind you there are lot of reasons why you should start thinking of getting the best kinds of underwear whatever the reasons there might be. The primary reason for the choice of underwear is the convenience that it provides.

But at times, the choice of underwear also depends on the kind of lifestyle that we have. For example, if you are a person who is outgoing or engage in intense sporting activities, you might want to purchase mens padded underwear so that you would become entirely sure that your anatomy down under is protected by all cost. This type of underwear is really affordable and by no means made more affordable by This shop makes sure that you get the best quality because they make sure that you are protected enough with their underwear offerings. It might sound really odd but if you are into sports like cycling or martial arts which involve a lot of kicking, you might want to consider this type of underwear. You should know better how to protect your anatomy by using the underwear that provides the best protection and with this you should start buying it at This shop would offer you the best and it will give you a different perspective when it comes to wearing underwear. This now goes beyond the traditional and conventional wearing of underwear.

Yes, you need underwear for protection.

This needed to be repeated.


GMoney said...

It does indeed but I should charge them more for the additional plug. I thought it was a bit of an odd message for a company to have but cash money ain't dead.

The last line is the best. It reminds me that I saw the Tony Siragusa/Depend commercial a few times this weekend. That guy definitely shits his pants daily.

Prime99 said...

Ide is an underwear spokesperson?! Fantastic!

Grumpy said...

Lindsay Lohan's not an athlete?

Prime99 said...

I will admit that they nailed the demographic with the amount of kick boxers we have here at TMS.

I get that Ide was quoting the weekend post, but still, him as an underwear spokesperson would be the best.

Jeff said...

Lindsay Lohan's nose IS an athlete.

GMoney said...

Well, I guess she is if you count her turn as the driver of Herbie The Love Bug Fully Loaded.

GMoney said...

I'm absolutely shocked that Dut hasn't weighed in on the brilliance of his former Hermano-In-Law yet. Must be watching too much Carl Edwards tape today.

GMoney said...

Allen Iverson accused of abducting his kids. He's now on this list.