Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Guest Post: JSaul Gives A Craps

Please keep your beer off the table, sir.
Welcome to the Money Shot Casino.  Today your guest poster will be hitting the table games and breaking down the good, bad, and ugly side of your favorite past time; GAMBLING. This blog reminds me more of an Indian casino, so you know the minimums will be set pretty low.

Now I am by no means a professional gambler, but I have made my rounds across the world’s casinos and have put in my hours inside the walls of said establishments. I have personally sampled Vegas, Foxwoods, Atlantic City, Caesars Windsor, Narlens Harrah’s, Caribbean Resort, Cruise Ships terribleness (1x odds Craps, no thanks), Middle Americas shittiest, Tribal lands cheapest, Detroit’s darkest, Europe’s finest (London and Amsterdam), and have been successful and abused all the like.

There is one thing I do know, the only thing that truly determines a good casino from a bad casino is FREE DRINKS (5 dollar Miller Lites as I pour my money onto your tables? As my Dallas friend on TV says, “C’mooooonnnn maaaaaaannn”).  We will be doing these in order of least desirable gaming to most.

Honorable mentions: 3 Card Poker (for when you are feeling really unmotivated) and Video Poker (for the previously mentioned free drinks, is typically the style).

And coming in at number 5 is…….

5. SLOT MACHINES: Please don’t ever be seen playing these, unless it’s to make sure your wife/girl isn’t blowing more than you provided her in cash.
Pros: The only acceptable slot you should be caught at is the WHEEL OF FOURTUNE (or Wheel of SUCK as my NHS employee uncle refers to it).
Cons: These are the most boring part of the casino, and yet there are billions of these retirement homes at any casino you walk into.
My Strategy: There is no strategy to slots
Best Night: Never had one. I did hit 80 bucks on the Wheel of Fortune once.

4. POKER: This game is boring as sin if you are trying to get crazy and or rich. It has its purpose, but very seldom cracks my line up.
Pros: You can normally play this game forever. If I am going to make my way to the Casino in an early afternoon and or Sunday session, you may catch me slipping to the ‘tables’ in the back. As long as you play disciplined, you will likely make money (barring any BAD BEATS that is). The only problem with thinking you are good and playing at random casino is the massive amount of wildcard players you cannot get a read on at the table. It’s better to play conservative/patient and take their money when you get a good hand. Otherwise you’ll go all Phil Hellmuth on the table when some middle aged women catches her straight coming in with 3,7. My favorite professional will always be “ACTION DAN” and his classic Celtics hat, though.
Cons: Well for starters it can usually be boring as shit. And even if you are at the same tables as your “buddies”, it’s not social at all. In fact it’s the complete opposite. You sit there and stare, and put up with the loose lips of the faggot who thinks he’s a god damn poker pro even though you are at the RIVERS PITTSBRUGH. I really can’t stand the college kids that are in there with their shades on logging 8 hour sessions as a part time job (Or I’m just totes jelly).
My Strategy: I will play extremely conservative and only come in on high probability hands, and usually play the table from there. The problem is it takes you hours just to figure out who is actually good and who is blindly lucky. By god if you are at a table with the ‘play every hand till my money runs out’ guy though, stick around till their money does run out.
Best Night: Probably walking away with 500+ while starting out with 100.

3. ROULETTE: This for me is usually a starter game, or an “I got 50 bucks left let’s hope I hit a number” game.
Pros: You can normally stick around awhile on 100 bucks if you play inside or out, and don’t get too loose with the chips. If you do start your night here, you can catch a few numbers and go up big early, while only risking that first 50-100 you have in your pocket. This is how I like to start off my sessions so that I can take some profit to the real show.
Cons: It’s a no skill game. You are usually playing with people who think there is skill involved, or people who only know how to play roulette (which isn’t hard).
My Strategy: I play the inside. Usually put 3-5 bucks on my lucky number 3, and 1-2 on another 5-7 numbers (10 min is usually the standard) per a given SPIN.
Best Night: Again, probably 300-500 starting with 50-100. One time I was down to $10 and walked over to a table; put it on 3 right before the spin. It was a 15 min so the dealer removed during the spin as I didn’t have another 5 to throw on. It hit 3. I left very angry. Her exact words; “Wow, I’s never seen that befo’.

2. BLACKJACK: The second most social game in the building.
Pros: Blackjack is likely the first game you learn, and the first game you head to when you get into the casino. Its arguably one of the most fun, there is some strategy to implement, and you can win a lot of money if you catch a hot “shoe”.
Cons: The tables can get cooooold as ice. Playing at a cold blackjack table just makes you depressed with the overall feeling you should be doing something better with your life. Also, there are so many people who don’t play by the book that it can be angering to some. Now, I say get your ass up if you don’t like GSaul in the corner hitting that 13 against a 4. Don’t start talking trash like some douche bag who thinks it REALLY matters (chances are it helps you just as many times that it has hurt you). But I am a ‘by the book’ guy, so you know, I stick to the data.
My Strategy: I wait for streaks. I don’t try and chase the shoe. If it’s cold, minimum bet it out. Once you hit a few in a row, start getting frisky with your stack. It’s the only way to truly make some serious dough. If you are betting the same bet EVERY time, leave the table when you get up $100-$200 ($10-$15 mins), because barring a HUGE streak, that is the best you are going to do my friend.
Best Night: I have had probably 5 to 6 $800-$1,000 in profit nights. Those nights are always fun. I will usually only leave down 200-300 on losing nights, but I don’t count nights I lose.

1. CRAPS: There is not argument here. It’s the best game in the casino and by far the most social. High fives all around!
Pros: When a table is moving, it’s the best time in the casino. Everyone is usually playing pretty similar, so you all win together and all lose together. You can win HUGE amounts of money catching a good craps table at the right time. If you can catch a table with $5 mins and 10x odds (only seen this in Vegas and Indian casinos), you are in for a good night if that green hole gets warm.
Cons: You can lose HUGE amounts of money if you catch a cold one. And you can lose it fast. Also, the minimums are usually WAY too high on prime time nights to lay down your CRAPS flow ($10 is about as high as I like to play, $15 if I have to). Plus, every now and then you will catch the (insert any racial based stereotype here) guy playing the dark side of the table. And he will be loving every minute of your misery. FUCK this guy. One time at GREEKTOWN (Detroit casinos are by and far the WORST casinos I have ever played at due to the people, and the mins are really HIGH at all times because of said people who are ALWAYS there) there was a guy actively cheering against the shooter every throw, because he was playing dark. I promptly left this table.
My Strategy: Look for a fun table that seems to be getting a few cheers. It may be hard to get on, but wait it out. Don’t be in a hurry to catch a table, walk around a few times. Make sure you are ok with the people you intend to slap hands with. Scan the betting styles for said Dark Side lunatics. Because, like I said, if it’s cold, you will regret getting your money out. Once you are there, make the shooter prove it. I usually only FEED THE MONSTER (the come bet) only twice to cover three numbers (2 come, 1 point) with a NOOB shooter. Sometimes only two numbers depending on how I stereotype you. Once they hit that first point though, it’s on!
Best Night: In one of my only successful nights at MGM Detroit (I think I am 3-12ish at Detroit casinos), commenter DUT, little BUKE, and myself caught a hot table for 3-4 hours. I cleared $2,500 in profit (I think Dut got scared and only took home like 800 bucks).

Don’t get me started on Baccarat. Seriously don’t, I have no idea how to play. I’m sure we have plenty of gambling stories to be had. Just know; my way is the only way to approach this. There is no compromise. Thank you for your time.


Grumpy said...

Love me some $.01 slots. Hot middle aged women all around.

MuDawgfan said...

If you can catch a table with $5 mins and 10x odds

Agree 100%, only place I can consistently remember seeing this is Casino Royale in Vegas. Catch a hot shooter and you may earn comps to a free Noble Romans Pizza or a steak at their luxurious Outback Steakhouse.

New Cincinnati Casino always has 100x odds (at least in year one) but mins Thus-Sun are 15 bucks and sometimes more.
I love to throw the dice around, but that's a bit too steep.

"Crapsless Craps" is the devil - avoid it at all costs. Looking at you, 4 Queens Las Vegas.

JSaul - do you get in on all the exotic bets? Fire Bets, C&E's...etc?

I mainly just stick to $44 inside or out and until a shooter has made a point.

GMoney said...

That surprises no one.

I'm a big fan of going to casinos and playing "Find The Prostitute". Because they are everywhere and their profession is amusing to me.

Good work though, JSaul. You've done well in your blogging debut. But I think that you and your oldest BRAH may have a gambling problem. Don't worry, I do not care.

Mr. Ace said...

I have never taken the plunge into craps because I am more comfortable managing my bankroll at the blackjack table. Partly because I don't know the best strategy and partly because, as JSaul said, money comes and goes quickly slangin dice. But I will be in Vegas next week...and I will probably still just play blackjack. I may try out the roulette wheel first, though. And bet against the Tigers and Indians.

Mr. Ace said...

A-Hern bout to be in the clink.

GMoney said...

I am a giant rube because, even after having it explained to me a million times, I still don't understand craps. All that I see is a bunch of thugs leaning on a table looking all ashy and criminalistic. No thank you.

Wheel of Fortune slots are the best. The rest eat hog.

Anonymous said...

If you live in Columbus there is no reason you should have to play poker at a casino. Those poker halls like Nick's Shark Tank and Gemini are tits. I spent a large chunk of my last year in Ohio at those places. Friday nights are the best since all the negroes come out with their blue collar pay checks and big dreams of making some scrilla. I am quite sure I starved several legitimate (countless illegitimate) children and caused the lights to go off in a few homes. Those people played like a bag of shit and I was pleased to take their money and get them evicted. I regret nothing.

As far as casinos go, JSaul was pretty spot on. I played A LOT of Blackjack starting out, but now it's almost an afterthought. I hit the tables to catch a streak, then jet. As of late, I have hit 3 ICE COLD streaks in a row, so I am really soured on that game for the time being.

I go to AC every couple months or so, and my buddy lives and dies by the roulette table. He got me hooked on playing it. There may be no greater feeling then throwing a 5 chip down and having it hit. If I need to make some money on the quick, I will bet two out of the three 3:1 odds. It's a slow roll, but you have a 64% chance of winning. It's a quick way to grab more cash for the Blackjack tables.

I'm not sure I know how to play 3 card poker, yet every time I try, I win. I only play a few hands since I am literally trusting this dealer with money and zero idea if he's shooting me straight. This is a real concern at that Cincy riverboats.

When it comes to craps, your past bragging has led me to pick this game up. I fail MISERABLY at it. I have no idea what I am doing and follow the pack. I do know that on a cold streak I bet the Line like a motherfucker and get roughly zero high fives. That is my only strategy. Other than that, I follow the big stacks on the table and hope they're right. Having said that, I really want to know the ins and outs of that game. I'm typically too drunk to retain much info by the time I get around to the craps table, though.

On that note, going back to poker, the main reason I don't play them at casinos is I don't drink when I play poker. Drinking and poker make for a bad night every time. I don't need a glass of scotch to convince me that J 5 is a hand worth paying to see the flop. I am super patient and don't mind sitting out 8 hands in a row to get my cards. My betting strategy in poker is to throw off my betting techniques to confuse other players. I assume I am smarter than most poker players (especially the tatted up BRAHS), so I force them to out think me. Thank God the Shark Tank has security.

If I play slots it's because I've lost so much money that the only chips I have left won't cover the minimum bet.


Grumpy said...

It's easy to find the hookers in the casino. Just sit at the bar and they come to you. Well, they do if you look distinguished and affluent. That leaves all of you out.

The Iceman said...

I reserve my gambling to sports betting...and I rarely do that. I don't fuck around in the casinos because it's an easy way to blow a shit ton of cash. They say the house always wins for a reason. I'm sure most of the money people have won got dumped right back in at some point. I stick to what I do best in a casino. Getting loaded on $5 beers. If I'm gonna lose money I'd rather spend it on something that will fuck me up and not piss me off.

Now here come the "harf harf gambling is an aquired skill...pussy...harf harf" comments.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of harf harf what loser goes to a casino for $5 beers harf harf.


Prime99 said...

Blackjack is the devil's game and I wouldn't fuck with it anymore unless you're really good at counting cards, but even then I don't want to end up in the basement of a casino getting pummeled by Laurence Fishburne.

Craps is more social than Blackjack but both suck socially if its not going your way.

I've won so much money on video poker, it's number 2 on my list. It has saved me multiple times, though I actually had to claim one win from last year on my taxes because it was over the threshold. It is the downfall of electronic gambling.

Craps is number one, and I'm pretty certain I explained the rules multiple times on my old blog. Sack up, G$. Take $100 and play $5 on the Pass Line and back it up with $5. Get the beats of the game, then go from there. You'll be maxing back up bets and plaing the come line in no time!

To Dawg's point, exotic bets (center of the table) are for suckers, however, when drunk and up $$, it's hard to say no to hard ways and $5 yo's!

Sports betting is my #3 followed by poker at #4.

The Iceman said...

"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of harf harf what loser goes to a casino for $5 beers harf harf"

I only go when people I'm hanging out with want to go. It's no different from buying overpriced beer at a sporting even, dick breath. Or don't you drink when you go to professional sports games?

Prime99 said...

I don't remember paying for a drink at a casino. Between drink tickets, free ones gambling, and the bar I obviously set up in my room, there is no need.

Darrell Sheets said...

FINALLY! A gambling post!!

/runs fingers through chest hair

GMoney said...

Prime, I am well aware of your teachings. Unfortunately, I did not absorb any of that info. I'm a dumb person.

I am an ELITE sports handicapper but I pretty terrible at table games.

Honestly, I have never heard of these poker rooms in Columbus. Where are they? Because the casino is less than 10 minutes from the mansion and there have to be more idiots at a casino.

Anonymous said...

True on the sucker bets, I'm usually WASTED when I decide to brotha chuck my money into the middle.

5 DOLLA YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'sss do some out when the wheelin is hot thought. Sometimes I like to slap hands with my ancestors "employees" and chuck it on a hard way if the roller is throwing them....but generally I stick to the best odds.

No harf harf ICE...people who think they are beating the casino are worse then the ones who forfeit that they can't. You have to have fun gambling and legitimately be able to lose the money you are playing with. I've never seen a player with with scared money (this is the phrase for I have 500 in my checking, and I really can't lose this 250 I just pulled out for the tables). Ah, college day gambling was riddled with these nights....

G$ - Learn craps. Like Prime said. Start slow on the pass line, stand next to a guy who knows what he's doing. It comes quit once you realize how easy it is. Most people are just scured of the MAFF. Don't be scared of the MAFF.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Sorry, excuse the typos.

Never seen a player with scared money win*

And Sports betting would be number one, but I only considered casino tables. Not all of us can run down to reno or Vegas on a whim...

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

And I swear, this post is 30x better if read from the perspective of a said craps table leana:

Sorry I can't get enough of that site.

- J Saul

GMoney said...

Off topic but more important:

BIG BROTHER STARTS TONIGHT!!! HI JULIE! I can't wait to see which idiots build a final four alliance this evening only to see it crumble in two weeks.

Aaron Hernandez will not be watching the premiere in jail.

GMoney said...

Nate B +1'd this post. JSaul is getting more +1's than I ever have. YOU TRYING TO SHOW ME UP?

Anonymous said...

CBS is the preferred channel in the clink.

The Iceman said...

Okay. This needs to be said. I'm sick of people raving about how great of a coach Doc Rivers is. He isn't. He was fired from Orlando for being shitty and was almost fired in Boston before Garnett and Ray Allen showed up. Until he had 2 sure fire HOF'ers along side another possible HOF'er he hadn't won a single playoff series as a head coach. AND it took them 26 games to win a NBA record for most games to win one. Why in the hell are people blowing Rivers like he's one of the best coaches in the game? He's not good. He's been the benefactor of having great players.

Prime99 said...

"True on the sucker bets, I'm usually WASTED when I decide to brotha chuck my money into the middle."

This is perfect. Black people LOVE the middle of the table and the Field. Why bet the best odds when you can be a moron? "YUH!"

Brady said...

Good list, J Saul. I usually spend most of my time in the sports book or on the cheap blackjack tables.

My last trip to Vegas was the best. My wife hit $300 on a penny slot, I paid for our hotel room on the blackjack tables and I hit a 4 team parlay during college football season that paid $800.

That trip mad me feel invicible. Then I went to Greektown for a Bachelor party and promptly lost $500 in two hours. Gambling is a cruel mistress.

The Iceman said...

Swift justice. Pats released Hernandez today.

The Iceman said...

When it comes to doing stupid shit, the Browns will not be out done by ANY team!

Anonymous said...

Iceman....I think Doc improved greatly in Boston.

I stick to blackjack and roullette.

Anybody got a good celebrity casino story? I played blackjack with Deangelo Williams when Memphis was in the Motor City Bowl. I will come in last place in any celebrity casino story contest.


GMoney said...

Yeah, I think that Glenn Rivers got better with better players but Thibs was the real braintrust on that staff. Glenn is a good coach but he isn't nearly as good as he thinks he is.

FYI Brian Cashman is an asshole.

"Sweet! My doctor said I can start playing again!"

If the Pats cut him already, dude's going away for awhile. I like how the cops cuffed him and then just threw a plain white t on him like a straight jacket. Totes a move you would see on COPS.

How is attempted murder to punch a guy in the face? He had to have brass knucks then, right?

Prime99 said...

My friend loves to re-tell the story of how he played craps at the Cal Neva in Reno with Benito Santiago's brother. Sounded like a great time as they won a ton and got a comped breakfast, but totes the worst "celebrity" gambling story.

My casino host at the Pmill was also Junior Seau's casino host...

Mr. Ace said...

It's attempted murder when the guy is in critical condition. He probably curb stomped him.

Lets bust out the rankings again. Where do you rank Doc?
Pop is OBVS #1.
2-5. Thibs, Doc, Mark Jackson, Spo?
Vogel and Brooks probably deserve consideration. But there aren't many GREAT coaches in the NBA. Doc is Top 5 easy, probably Top 3.

GMoney said...

There is your winner. No one can top Benito Santiago's bro as worst "celebrity" casino guy.

Ide said...

G$, there are a few respectable poker houses in the Columbus area. My favorite, and safest, is Nick's Shark Tank. It is located on Bethel Rd where the Roadhouse, BDubs, Halftime and Coaches is. It's low on blacks but it does have a number of turds, which is common at any poker place. I enjoyed Friday's the most due to payday and retards.

They have daily tournaments, and you can expect to get at least daily emails. You can call and reserve a spot on a table and they always oblige. They do a good amount of shuffling between the tables, so you always see fresh faces/gambling styles, and the dealers are generally pretty cool people. The dealers also have a side betting game that pays out like 5 bucks per hand if you play.

It is actually really clean, and there is no rake, as is the law. You have to pay a flat $20 to get in the door. It is no limit and $2/$4 blinds. It is custom to buy around $10 in tipping chips for the hands you win. They have flat screen tvs everywhere and there is some underground sports betting going on.

The most ELITE part is that they have a snack bar that is fucking LOADED, and it's all you can eat. Also, pop and bottled water, free of charge. My favorites are pounding the Cheezits and grabbing one of those strawberry shortcake popsicles or ice cream sandwiches. I eat like a bastard there.

Since it is sandwiched in between two bars, people get lit. This causes two things: awful betting with shitty hands, and stupid fucking luck. I have had great experience with both.

GMoney said...

There has been so much turnover so far that I don't even remember who still has a job. Pop, Thibs, and Spo are locks. I've always liked George Karl. Rick Carlisle is better. So is Rick Adelman. Glenn and Mark Jackson probably are anywhere between 5-8.

Anonymous said...

Burke and I made a killing one night at what was then Argosy in Lawrenceburg/Cincy. I won 3000 and he won about 1800 I think. It was unreal. We couldn't lose. We quit because we were exhausted not because we were losing. We were high fiving and screaming with our avalanche of blackjacks. We got there at like 2 am after boozing in Cbus. We walked out at about 7 or 8 am. I planned on paying for college playing blackjack after this night. It didn't quite work out as I eventually gave it all back.

Played at the table next to Lee Corso at Harrah's in NOLA when I was there for the BCS championship game in 2008. I believe you were there JSaul.

What are Ape and G$ talking about? A guy was murdered and isn't that what Hernandez is being questioned about? Am I missing something?


Prime99 said...

Doc is better than Vinny The Black, so Clips get an expensive upgrade.

GMoney said...

Damman, there is some undrafted rookie on the Browns who has been charged with attempted murder. Chud runs a tight ship.

Is there any doubt that Donald Sterling will call Doc "Boy" while he is in LA?

The Iceman said...

I don't put Doc in the top 5. No chance. I may not put him in the top 10. Everyone keeps forgetting the season before Garnett and Allen showed up he was days from getting his walking papers. It's like a guy who is about to dump a chick because she's fat and ugly. Then one day she shows up with a nose job, lypo and fake tits and her parents paid for it all. She didn't do anything but show up and let her parents improve her situation while shelling out a fuck ton of money. Yeah, she's better looking now...but not because of anything she did.

Doc had multiple seasons to prove he could win with anyone before Boston and failed. Christ...he was under .500 as a head coach in 8 seasons. It's pretty convenient the winning pct and playoff series wins started increasing with the number of HOF guys Boston went out to get. Anyone could have stepped in and done that.

GMoney said...

You make it seem like coaching is the easiest thing in the world. If it were than Spo would be going for a 4peat. You still need talent. You keep talking about Doc getting fired before the big 3 came in but there aren't many coaches that were getting a "Pierce/Al Jefferson and nothing else" core deep into the playoffs.

Coaching mostly comes down to managing egos and less about x's and o's. That is what assistants are for. He did a great job with that until realizing that Rondo is a mental pussy and he needed to get out.

Anonymous said...

Does Phil Jackson have a winning record if he heads up the CLE the last 3 years? No, no he doesn't

Damman - I was in deed at that table next to NESSLER AND CORSO. Great times.

- J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, please list 10 better coaches. And name me some teams that have regularly made deep playoff runs without much talent.

Why are we not mentioning Dut's ELITE poker nights?

GMoney said...

Because those were gay and "bi-monthly" turned into once every 6 years. Dut sucks.

The Iceman said...

I consider guys like Carlisle and Vogel better coaches than Rivers. Those guys have proven they can win without super stars. Whereas you could have taken almost ANY coach in the league right now get the same results Rivers did in Boston.

I agree you need talent to win but the difference in guys like Popvich and Jackson is that they actually get results. Rivers won 1 ring with 6 years of HOF talent. Popvich won 4 in 9 years and Jackson won 10 in 19 years. Doc's 1 for 6 isn't very impressive when you compare it to other great coaches.

Mr. Ace said...

A-Hern charged with murda and 5 other felonies? HE GONE!

Anonymous said...

I'm still going to draft him in the last round.


GMoney said...

He'll be a Bengal or a Raider by the end of the day.

Mr. Ace said...

Slow Seal is being extra slow on FB.

G$, did you just take exactly what Lil Poopson and I said and turn it into your own comment?

GMoney said...

Have not been on Facebook yet today. Awful people tend to share awful jokes.