Monday, June 24, 2013

Guest Post: Ide Hit It

Ide worked in that room as the bulge adjuster.  -Rex is there somewhere, too.
We have all had those personal epic fails that only you know about, and there was no way in hell you were going to share it with anyone. And also, remember (sit this one out Grump, civil rights hadn’t happened yet) that first time when you saw something you didn’t see in your sheltered home life, like real life fags or interracial dating (both still gross). This is one of those fails and times.

Now, to be fair, before I get into it, this fail wasn’t entirely because of me. But, leave it to me, to make an awkward situation dive bomb straight into a fucking catastrophe. I am pretty boss when it comes to this method of glorious failure.

I was a freshman in college and worked at a nearby Abercrombie & Fitch (save the fag jokes for later, you’ll need them), in an attempt to get clothes for cheap (gotta stay current!) and pull down some extra cooze. So, working at that place is a fucking free for all. Girls gonna get fucked, guys gonna do it. I scoped one out that wasn’t commanding all the attention, due to the fact she dressed conservative(ly considering the place). I figured this was my best option as to not compete with guys who had abs that showed through a thick wool sweater.

Now, I was 18, maybe 19 and was still at the birthing stages of my sexual prowess. Basically, I was complete shit in bed, and most likely embarrassed myself hilariously. However, this certainly didn’t stop me from trying. So, after a week or two of showing interest in her, she finally asked if I wanted to go to a rave in Asheville to see Tiesto, and that she would buy a hotel room. Now, I was very aware of what this meant and what that scene was. In my head, I heard loud shitty techno music, and a long night of having an ecstasy-fueled fuckfest in a beautiful mountain town. It should be noted, that she asked me out, because at the time I had a crippling fear of rejection, especially with people that I would have had to continue to interact with. My HS dating life suffered greatly because of this. Ironically, this doesn’t pertain to meeting complete strangers with probable diseases.

Quick side note. I didn’t do a ton of drugs in college, maybe a handful of them a handful of times, however, I was no bitch and would man up if a hot girl asked me to do something with her. Anything for the nookie, right brahs?!

So before I meet up with this girl (we will call her Jenna, because that’s her name), I get cocked on a pint of blackberry schnapps (it was gas station vodka, but ELITE reference), and get ready for a solid night. I pull up and she decides to drive, but wait, she is bringing another girl…who is abhorrently ugly. Just awful. No problem, I told myself, if I can’t find some fucked up loser at this thing to sleep with her, I will buy her a separate hotel room. It was a pretty miserable 3 hour trip to this place where I mostly came up with scenarios on how this night would play out. Oh, I brought the rest of that vodka and stayed lit. Confidence and mood skyrocketed when she pointed out the hotel.

We get to this place he’s playing called Shampoo, Hairspray, or Salon, or something like that. Clubs back then always had one stupid word titles. This was also before Tiesto was massively huge and he played decent-sized clubs. This one was pretty massive, and we go to the basement. Google and/or smartphones didn’t exist on the fly, so I had zero idea what I was walking into. I get right in with my under age markings and 5 feet later I was 21. Jenna and her frumpy friend didn’t do the same. I promptly buy 3 beers. They turned them down, so I promptly drank 3 beers. Ok, cool, you shouldn’t drink and do ecstasy at the same time.

I honestly don’t remember much about the music because I was ignoring it, I was however focused on finding said drugs and/or anything to keep up the pace. During the opening sets, people sauntered in and didn’t really care about the djs so I wandered about in search. I had to piss and the bathrooms were on the second floor. Poor planning, but whatever. I am standing at a urinal with a partition and finish up, turn around, and a guy with a studded leather vest and chaps and nothing else is standing directly behind me. What. The. Fuck. Remember that second sentence? Good. I fucking lost my shit. I had no nice, hand shake introduction to the gay community, I skipped right to the part where I was going to get buttfucked in a bathroom. I frantically fly right by him, inadvertently shoving him into a wall and run into 4 more fags waiting in line wearing just as little if not less. I didn’t piss indoors the next 4 (!) hours I was there.

I run downstairs and find Jenna, then overzealously proclaiming that this was a “fag bar”. Four people in direct earshot turned around and asked if I had a problem with that and to take my pasty ass home. I couldn’t though, I was fucking stuck there, but with a girl! So, I kept quiet, and decided to proceed with original plans, but talk to NO ONE aside from Jenna. This included that ugly roommate. So, I nonchalantly asked what she wanted to do, and she said, “Oh, I’m here for the music. I love Tiesto, and dancing.” Neither of which, I liked.

“Well, do you want to get a drink? I’m 21 now, heh heh.”
“Nah, I don’t really drink.”
*hmmm* was all I could think.

This night is spiraling down fast. The girls danced and I drank. Fuck it I said, hotel plans are still a go, but the work up strategy will certainly be different. Nothing that some Bud Lights couldn’t help me figure out. The rest of the show went on with me following them around and saying minimal words. Too focused.

After the show, we go to Waffle House. I’m completely hammered and promptly order my usual 4 eggs, double chopped and covered hash browns, and a fucking waffle, because America, motherfucker. This sobers me up to a conversational state. Now’s my big moment, and I’m ready for it.

“I’m pretty tired, how far away is the hotel?”
“Oh, I think I’m just going to drive home, I think I can make it, the show didn’t go on as long as I expected it to.”

We drove by the hotel and it was worse than when Poochie drove by the fireworks factory. Such an apt metaphor. I said maybe two words on the way back, and weirdly enough, they weren’t fuck or you, because that’s all I could think about saying. I had zero idea how I could’ve failed that night. I placed a lot of blame on that disgusting trollop who I made GODDAMNED SURE sat in the back of Jenna’s Acura Integra 2 door. It was like when I made Thompson sit in the back of Burke’s 2 door Blazer (he called it a truck, fyi) and slid the seat back when we went to Wheeling Island. I had an ELITE smile on my face that whole trip.

We get back to her place around 6:30 or 7, and she says goodbye and wants to hang out later. I, of course, learn nothing and happily agree, but now it’s time for damage control. Because, naturally, I fucking told all my roommates and friends what was happening. Even bragged about it. So, I drove around and sat, probably slept in a parking lot for an hour or two and then went home.

I woke up and went out to the living room where I most likely smoked some grass, when my buddies asked how it went.

“I hit it.”


Anonymous said...

She TOTES thought you were gay and that's why you got invited to go with her.


The Iceman said...

The best part of this story is Ide revealing he worked at Abercrombie and Fitch. Let's never let him forget that.

Cakes should be really interested in this story since he jacks off to Tiesto. Seriously...there is nothing worse than a race party and techno music.

Grumpy said...

Ide at a gay bar. I'll be smiling all day.

The Iceman said...

Rave party is what that should have said. could make a case for race party, too.

Anonymous said...

I figured 1800 words of me making fun of myself would be a treat for you awful people. You earned this!

And yes, there is nothing worse than those things. I can say I did it, if that subject ever comes up.

Grump, it was a basement of a gay bar, which now that I say it out loud sounds a lot worse.


GMoney said...

I found this whole "article" to be refreshing.

*got his Train-loving start from listening to A&F sponsored CDs and they only play shitty stuff like Total Recall
*unexpected crippling fears from his youth
*another attempted and successful rape by a gay man although it's hard to rape a willing participant
*drunken hook-up failure

Anonymous said...

So, did you end up nailing her the next time you hung out, or ever?


Prime99 said...

It was hard to believe that this wasn't a Train concert, but then again that would've changed the dynamic of the story because you would've also been there for the music.

I fucking hate Tiesto, so I feel your pain on that front.

G$- you love the Total Recall song selection (mostly.) No need to take potshots!

Ide was basically tricked into going into the Blue Oyster Bar like he was in every Police Academy movie.

The Iceman said...

I think Seal nailed the only question we should be asking at this moment. Did you ever get any strange off this broad? Because it would be the best if she dragged you to that shit and never gave it up.

Anonymous said...

Yes, however, that is a story in itself. I believe I have made brief references to this girl a few times before this. It ended predictably horribly.

I will make some bullet points highlighting my ELITE relationship with this girl when I get to the office as I am running a bit late.


The Iceman said...

StanGina eagerly awaits your bullet points.

GMoney said...

Hurry up and finish this story so I can go off on a tangent on how bad Jut Verlander is at the only thing that he is supposed to be good at (besides all white trash activities) and our collective eulogy for Jose Velveeta's career.

Anonymous said...

I took away that IDE worked at Abercrombie, worked at GAY bars, and went to RAVES with girls that thought he was friend material (gay).

IDE, there are a lot easier ways to come out than making us all question you behind you back. The Moneyshot LLC is an equal opportunity employer, clearly you are on G$'s staff just to meet a quota.

East of Chicago Pizza making a rare appearance in 1st place slot of the Penal League. Looks like I picked up the right Detroit Pitcher this year....

- J Saul

Jeff said...

I saw Jut in person yesterday! Terrible pitching by both sides. Andrew Bailey was relieved of his closing duties on Thursday after blowing a save (3 out of the last 5) only to be brought in in the 7th yesterday with 1 run lead, which did not last surprisingly. Great managing right there! Glad the Sox were generous enough to hand the Tigers 2 of those 3 wins.

GMoney said...

Is there any doubt that Ide's soulmate is Paula Deen? Let's get those two together POST HASTE!

We don't talk about Mad Men here very much which is a damn shame but "Can you keep it down over there; I'm trying to drink" is one of the best lines in TV history.

Anonymous said...

Mad Men was tremendous yesterday. Peggy Olsens face ftw.

Veep came correct with the lines last night. "Slow like a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man" and "What in the crippling fuck do you want? Fuck off" really hit the right notes last night. Fantastic show.

JSaul, if those are your deductions, you're a shitty lawyer. Burn.

Speaking of gay and baseball I am in the Saul sandwich in our 3 way tie.

Much hyped bullet points!

- She went to an all girls private school, which made for some interesting dorm visits.

- Loved techno, hated drugs

- Got drugged at a club (I wasn't in attendance). This pleased me. I'm an asshole.

- She also had a pretty serious boyfriend in HS that she kept around, I didn't know about this until later.

- We slept together shortly before I knew of this character.

- She went radio silent sometime after we started sleeping together, this didn't bother me since it enabled me to hit on even more girls. During this time, it was discovered she was seeing that other guy.

- I guess they had a fight, and in an effort to get back at him, she invited both of us to some school/sorority formal. I caught wind of what was happening really fast and sprang into action. I "forgot" something in her dorm, went back and stole every ounce of booze they had and went to another party. I was popular that night.

- Unfazed, she invited me to meet her parents (I believe I told this already), so I got blitzed and ended up meeting them. We then went to her friends house where I proceeded to drink myself in a coma projectile vomiting all over this guys parents living room. EVERYWHERE. I woke up naked in her basement, my clothes were soiled and in the washer. I apparently ran over to Jeff Gordon's house (her neighbor) and pissed on his house. I then had to talk fantasy football with her dad for an hour in between bouts of heavy vomiting in the bathroom. We then took her parents boat out on the lake of which I made quick work of that by puking roughly 1/3 my body weight onto the stern. I never talked to her again after that.


Mr. Ace said...

Drew said it all in the first comment.

Ide working at Abercrombie doesn't surprise me. He probably had a second and third jobs at Gap and Banana Republic.

I have no idea who Tiesto is and from what I can tell I am better off for it.

Anonymous said...

Awesome story and a great last bullet point.

Now G$, please proceed with talking about how terrible Verlander is...


GMoney said...

JSaul is not a lawyer.

No one burns bridges like you do.

GMoney said...

Kershaw. Harvey. Shelbs Miller. Mike Take a Leake. Gerrit Cole. All better pitchers on my roster than Jut is this year. You know why? Because even though none of them have the gas that Jut has, at least they don't fucking nibble at the plate and get in trouble because of this constantly.

Stop thinking that you are fucking cute and cool by doing your in-game interviews with Joe Buck/pissing off your corpse manager and actually focus on what the fuck they pay you to do...BE AN ACE. You are more of a Mr. Ace than an ace.

GMoney said...

By the way, I have yet to fully study and research Ide's ass but it must be truly something since apparently every gay man wants to build a house inside of it. A house made out of semen, of course. Semen and AIDS.

Anonymous said...

Why is there a yet in that sentence? Faggot.

Keep in mind, this was my first runin with the gays. And it took me all of 20 seconds until I thoroughly offended any one of them in earshot.


UPDATE: As I was typing this, a sweet old lady in my office named Amelia comes up to me and goes, "We have a group of Indians coming in soon to sign some contracts, if you were wondering what that smell was. They shouldn't be long."

Without hesitation, I go, "well, they are an efficient people."

I like my job.