Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Guest Post: Drew Is Racist and Toilet-less

Come back to us, Tyrone.  We miss you.
I lived in the same house on E. 16th Ave my Sophomore through Senior years of college. It was amazing because our friends lived in houses on both sides of us during those years as well. It also led to just some incredible parties on any given night of the week. It was basically three houses full of ridiculous partiers.

Well, one Friday or Saturday night I had to go to a wedding or something with my then girlfriend (she broke up with me toward the end of our Senior year because of how disgusting I was). That night my house had a big party...one of my roommates was from Worthington so he had a lot of buddies that would come by during the Summer months that were home from going to school at other colleges. So, I know we had a lot of people over that night and I missed the party....which really pissed me off as I pretty much always did whatever the fuck I wanted, but bit the bullet for once to go to a wedding with my girlfriend.

The next morning we come back into town early and get some breakfast....and she drives me home. As I'm getting out of her car I look up at my house and see broken toilet ceramic all over our walkway....blood all over the walkway....and a big black man sleeping on the couch on my front porch. I put these three things together...have many questions, but decide I need the big black guy woken up and I'm not going to be the one to do it. So, I go next door to get my buddy Boniq who is a freakishly strong black kid and tell him I want him to wake up the big black bum looking guys sleeping on my couch. Boniq walks over and tries to wake the guy, but he wasn't waking up. The decision was made then to call the cops to get this guy up from the porch.

While we were waiting for the cops I walked upstairs and confirmed that our one toilet....was missing from the floor and was in pieces all over our yard and walkway. This was upsetting news since it was our one toilet...and of course all of my roommates were still passed out....probably in their own piss.

The cops show up and walk up to the porch while dodging the dried blood all over and broken toilet pieces and they wake up the black guy. They begin asking him questions about the blood and toilet and he's got no answers...they check his arms and stuff and sure enough....he's not cut anywhere. So, they let him go and leave me to figure out what the fuck happened.

Finally, I wake up one of my roommates and learn that one of my other roommates had blown up our toilet with a cherry bomb....fucking Bart Simpson style at like 3 am. People then took the broken toilet outside and began smashing it in the front yard. One of my other buddies picked up one particularly jagged piece and it ended up slicing his entire arm up and he had to go to the emergency room for a ton of stitches.....hence the blood all over the place.

I don't know why this story sticks out in my mind, because there are many like it. But, it's possibly because I was involved in the others....and coming into the situation blindly and not knowing what happened made it all the more ridiculous.

36 comments:

Prime99 said...

Appropriate that Drew is the guest author today, so everyone has their option to talk about his fairly good story about a vicious black bum that I imagine looked like Hightower from Police Academy (note: back to back PA references this week) or you COULD mention to him over and over that the Chicago Blackhawks are the Stanley Cup Champions!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if that dude has scars on his arm from his drunken toilet smashing shenanigans.

Too bad the Blackhawks won. Terrible fanbase. I mean....they were booing their team during a Game 7 power play. Bunch of mouth breathers.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

E. 16th? Did you have guns?

Anonymous said...

E 16th is nice on campus depending on how East it is. If you cross 4th on 16th, then it gets black...I mean seedy, wait, no, I mean black.

Grats Blackhawks. You're no CBJ, but you did beat the Red Wings all the same.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ironically, Tuukka Rask spent last night smashing toilets on Chara's head because he sucks. What a fucking finish to a great season that Bettman tried to destroy.

As I told Burke last night, they deserved that. After all, there would be no 9/11 or marathon bombers without the city of Boston. FACT.

I can't wait to win the next 17 Stanley Cups. Year 18 will probably be another lockout I imagine.

Few things make me laugh more than Gary Bettman getting booed out of a building. Bruins fans wanted to flee but many of them stuck around just to shit all over that little weasel. It's one of the finest traditions in sports. It is way better than the post-series handshake line.

I will watch all 5 hours of the NHL Draft on Sunday. That is probably the easiest lock ever what with us having 4 of the first 44 picks in a draft with 50 first round talents and my love of all drafts (except for the one that I would dodge).

I need some closure on the topic du jour though. How long were you guys toiletless? Who the fuck thought that THAT was a good idea? RESPECT THE TURLET!

The Iceman said...

I was a big fan of sleeping on random porch couches (and back yards) when I was in college and the stumble back from the bar was too much to bear. For a second I thought someone brained the black dude with the toilet and he stumbled to the couch to die. Good story, nonetheless.

Hilarious how Drew mentions a bad fan base. I had free tickets to a Red Wings game with something like 6 games left in the regular season while the Wings were still barely out of the playoffs. Joe Louis was half empty when the puck dropped that night and the fans didn't manage to fill the arena despite their "beloved" Wings clinging to playoff life. It screamed "We don't care unless we're good".

Grumpy said...

Anything East of High Street isn't campus and is definitely sketchy.

Mr. Ace said...

What G$ said. How long did it take for you to replace the shitter? I imagine you guys going months without it and just shitting down the drain pipe.

Grump, don't you live in a neighborhood with a bunch of hoodlums now? Don't project that onto us in Columbus. East of High is definitely campus and not always sketchy.

Hockey was pretty intense last night. Hopefully the CBJ make the playoffs next year so I can actually somewhat care.

GMoney said...

I disagree, Grump. Is it ideal? No but if you keep west of FOURF Street, you have the numbers advantage. And I say this as someone who forgot to take the face off of his car stereo ONE TIME and it was gone the next morning.

Iceman, I agree that sometimes that walk was just too much to bear. I was known for just grabbing a bike out of someone's yard and joy-riding the shit out of that thing home (while somehow not falling once which was a miracle). At the end of the year, we had three random bikes on our porch. They all ended up rolled into the woods behind our apartment. They were biodegradable, I assume. GOING GREEN!

Anonymous said...

The last time Grump was on campus, the coloreds used a different TURLET.

Ide

Jeff said...

Great hockey game last night. See you in the finals next year, Prime.

When I was in college my roommates and I decided after a terrible Clemson loss to Boston College (at home) that someone or something had to pay and it ended up being our refrigerator. We ended up throwing this bitch off a second story back deck and then proceeded to throw all of our food on the roof of our neighbors house.

After one hell of a clean up job the next day, which included vacuuming the back yard to get small pieces of glass from the shattered trays out, and disposing of the refrigerator remains, we told our landlord that it had died and the smell was becoming unbearable so we disposed of it ourselves. A couple days later we had a new one with little or no questions asked amazingly.

Prime99 said...

Poor, sad Drew. Your bitterness is hilarious and enjoyable.

Tuukka Rask looks like Reek.

A CBJ vs. Hawks finals? You know I'm down!

A toilet is Tyrone Biggums preferred method to escape an intervention. Without one, he would be trapped.

Anonymous said...

There could be a book written on wild game day stories from 104 E. 14th, but I'll take one from Rune's archive since he probably has the most.

So we're out on the balcony as per usual on a game day and Rune is down in the yard playing hillbilly horse shoes (ELITE yard game and far superior to faggy cornhole). A pizza delivery guy pulls up and is delivering a pizza across the street. Someone from the balcony yells, "Rune, you should steal that car!" Rune of course obliges and hops in the car while the guy is delivering the pizza. He proceeds to drive about a block down the road and comes to a stop sign, then realizes he is far too drunk to be doing this. Does he turn around in someone's driveway? No. He throws the bitch in reverse and flies down the road back to the apartment, parks and gets out. The delivery guy comes out about 20 seconds later clueless to what had happened.

Rune has a lot of these stories.

-Damman

GMoney said...

You forgot that he was drunk-carjacking while reversing down the wrong way of a one way street. Good self-awareness though to realize that this was going to lead to jail time.

I also like the story (to piggyback off of Jeff's) of Wade and Juvy and Bird launching a Pacman arcade game off of said balcony. Man, I wish I could have seen that thing explode.

Grumpy said...

OT, but has nobody noticed that Iceman is getting married in the lobby of the Amtrak station?

The Iceman said...

Not the lobby, anus. It's a 3rd floor ballroom type thing. Sorry it's not in the middle of Side Cut park ya hippy granola. I'll make sure we have a spruce tree at the reception for you to stick your dick in.

Anonymous said...

Wait; theres gonna be trains at your wedding? How Toledo. Is it the downtown station? If so that place is lousy with my kinfolk.

Ide

GMoney said...

I already sexted Iceman about it, but FUCK HIM for giving me an "and one". I had no trouble at all telling She$ "you're not going" but promises were made that all internet BRAHS were riding solo. I was lied to. It cut me to the core. The hurt runs deep.

Anonymous said...

Ill be your plus one. Im betting dollars to donuts that Im not included. Maybe homo.

Ide

GMoney said...

That's not sweetening the deal. In fact, it is like smearing a wookie's feces all over me.

Anonymous said...

I received a save the date but no invite. Apparently Iceman is concerned about me grinding on Mary Lou all night.

-Damman

Grumpy said...

Per everyone's solemn promise, I'm not bringing the little lady.

And I had first dibs on Mary Lou.

Mr. Ace said...

So I looked at the Yardbarker sidebar and there is something about Alex Len being the #1 pick in the NBA draft... that would be such a Cleveland move.

GMoney said...

We'll get into the Draft in a few days but I've already crafted my noose for if we take Alex Len at #1. I'd rather have Trey Burke Sucks.

Just because Vitaly Potapenko is now an assistant coach for us doesn't mean that we should draft his son.

The Iceman said...

Ide didn't get an invite because he ignored every request I made for addresses of those who wanted to go. Shocking the laziest fucker here failed to send me anything that even resembled an address. Now he's pissing and moaning about it like its my fault he's lazy and terrible. Just be G$'s plus one and shut yer trap. But I promise he hits you up for at least a handy since you revealed how big of a homo you are yesterday.

Damman, your invite should be getting to you soon. I know you were on the list because Wheelz kept pronouncing your name "damn-man". She was reprimanded with swift justice.

The Iceman said...

And we put plus ones on there with the hopes that all of you bring your wives so we can all see how big of a bitch you guys are when around them. END THE CHARADE!!

GMoney said...

Goddammit, I don't want to be held responsible for that asshole. Even though I will not know many of the other attendees, I still don't want to be known as the guy who brought the buffoon pissing on the wedding cake.

I'm signing him up for the vegetarian dinner and requesting Drops of Jupiter all night.

I didn't mail it back yet. Do you want me to include Ide on my RSVP? If you're sold out on veggies then I'm sure he'll eat up all the "hot beef". Wheelz sucks. She hasn't earned the right to properly meet me yet.

Anonymous said...

I RSVP'd to G$'s wedding via a Burke text message.

K-Dawg gave me a standing order to just show up to his.

Stop being fancy, damn it.

Ide

Anonymous said...

In the interest of the black bum couch sleeper, I think everyone on this site would enjoy some time at www.gizoogle.com

Look up anything and the description essentially turns to pure comedy gold. DUTs linkedprofile is quite the GEM.

Bowlin Cronic State Universitizzle.

PS - This is not spam as so many people have accused me of spreading.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Sorry - www.gizoogle.net

That other site probably is spam lol.

- J Saul

Anonymous said...

Sorry for third comment, but I highly recommend giving this a read!:

http://www.gizoogle.net/index.php?search=gmoneysack.blogspot.com&se=Gizoogle+Dis+Shiznit

- J Saul

Prime99 said...

I was skeptical that it was porn, J Saul, but both Chip Kelly and I approve of gizoogle.

The Iceman said...

Ide is your Scarlet Letter G$. You must bear him. If he's really your plus one then put his name down...and give him the cheapest menu (probably vegetarian since those are for pussies) option.

Anonymous said...

The drawback of a vegetarian meal will be severe. I will probably not eat it, or much of it, and this will lead to an empty stomach and the open bar. Once there, I will proceed to order Hamm's or Schaeffer Lite (it is a train station after all) by the two's and drink them until I am thoroughly blitzed enough to take a shit with the stall door open, start at least seven fights on the dancefloor, and vomit on a bridesmaid, then hit on her. Roughly, this should be around the time that I take the train back to Penn St (it leaves at 11:49, I just checked).

Or I eat steak.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Busy as fuck all day....my apologies. I will respond more when my next story drops.....and I think I get why G$ is saving it for fourth of July area.

G$...I'm pretty sure the idiot roommate that blew up the toilet had a new one installed the next day. We did not live toiletless for long at all.

LOLZ @ the Iceman trying to take a shot at the Red Wings. The Red Wings sold out every game this year ya dumb fuck. We would also never boo our team in a tied Game 7.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

LOLZ at Drew for thinking sold out means everyone showed up. I was there, dick wad. The arena was a quarter empty.