Tuesday, June 18, 2013

By The Power of Grayskull...

                            "I'll suck your cock for that Iron Man figure..."

These last two weeks have been a fucking anal massacre for me at work and a constant reminder of just how lame being an adult is.  Seriously…it’s not fun.  Most of us work jobs that we hate for the most part.  And these jobs do nothing but put us in bad moods for the rest of the day because the people we work with have the brain power of a butthole.  Most of the money we make goes to pay dumb things like bills (or black dildos if you’re Ide and lard ass prostitutes if you’re Damman).  By the time we get home from work, we’re so physically and mentally exhausted that all we want to do is lay on the couch and zone out in front of whatever show happens to be on since we don’t have the STREMPH to change the channel.  Fuck being an adult.

So in the midst of last week I started thinking back to how fucking great it was to be a kid.  Your only job was to get through school so you could make it home and play with your toys or go fuck around town with your friends.  While reminiscing, I turned on the telly and caught an episode of the show Toy Hunter.  ELITE concept…queer host.  Seriously.  This guy is fucking terrible.  If the content wasn’t so God damn fascinating I wouldn’t waste my time.  So I started thinking about the best toys I had as a kid and how I would trade just about anything to go back to that time.  Here’s what I came up with.

U.S.S. Flagg G.I. Joe Aircraft carrier

Really anything G.I. Joe was the tits.  But this toy in particular was a must own for me when I was growing up.  I can imagine how pissed parents nationwide were when this toy hit the market.  It originally retailed for something like $100, which was probably the equivalent to $10,000 today dollars.  I’m pretty sure I calculated that right.  This bad bitch was over seven feet long and held literally every G.I. Joe toy you owned.  And if you were me…that was a lot of G.I. Joes.  I’m not exactly sure what happened to this toy but knowing how I was as a kid, it’s probably at the bottom of my parent’s pond.  I’m sure at some point I was curious if the thing actually floated.  It doesn’t.

This toy was featured on the episode of Toy Hunter I saw and sold for $6,000 unopened in the box.  I was instantly sick.  Now, it was always a completely irrational concept for me to have any of these toys sealed from my childhood.  But even an opened U.S.S. Flagg with all of the parts still sells for anywhere between $1,500 and $2,000.  Still want to barf of myself.

Big Wheels

Fuck yeah, Big Wheels.  If you didn’t own a Big Wheel you were a fucking loser.  I’m serious.  I was in a Big Wheel street gang growing up.  That’s real.  We didn’t do anything destructive.  We just cruised the sidewalks of Napoleon on our Big Wheels while wearing jean jackets.  I had the Knight Rider Big Wheel and was CLEARLY the leader of the pack.  Don't hassle the IceHoff.  I bet Dut had the Strawberry Shortcake one.


Transformers was my shit.  I had to own them all.  I never missed an episode when the cartoon came out, either.  It was the start of my portly phase.  I still dig the Transformers today and will be wearing Autobots and Decepticon cufflinks at my wedding.  ELITE.  I was definitely a Decepticon supporter and my prized possession was Megatron…not the lame ass Megatron either.  I had the cool Megatron that turned into a gun before the USA became all pussy and discontinued it.  Even though I loved Transformers, I was not the most passionate collector in the house.  My older brother received Optimus Prime for his birthday one year and wept like his best friend just died in his arms.  It was a pretty awesome thing to witness and even at my young age knew that reaction was pretty fucking weird.


I’m pretty sure every kid at one point had the Nintendo.  Shit…I still have one.  If you didn’t have a Nintendo or say that you never liked playing Nintendo then you are probably a homosexual.  My parents used to do the most cold hearted shit back then.  If we were in trouble for something or grounded (which happened a lot) they would take the controllers with them to work and hide them when they got home.  So the console was always sitting right there with all the games…just no possible way to play them.  I had a pretty thick hatred for my parents when they pulled that stunt.  Contra will always be the GOAT.

Super Soaker

Just a water gun on steroids.  But a fun as fuck water gun that had the potential to really piss people off.  If you were able to really lay into someone with a Super Soaker it could completely ruin their day and destroy their clothes.  My fondest memory of the Super Soaker is when I showed up to my friend Nick’s house one day and walked into him attempting to turn one into a flame thrower.  It was a Pulitzer worthy idea.

Toys that were OVERRATED and for douche bags.

Rubix Cube – I always ended up just peeling the stickers off and re-applying them giving the illusion that I won.  Think smarter, not harder is what I say.

Any doll – If you were a boy then you shouldn’t have one.  My parents bought me a Teddy Ruxpin when I was like 7.  I think.  I immediately buried it in my closet.  Even at 7 I was smart enough to know what a shit toy looked like.

Slinky – What a retarded ass toy.  Thanks for this thing that turns itself into a heap of scrap metal after 3 uses.

Legos – I’ll say it.  Legos sucked balls.  I don’t care to spend 9 hours putting something together that will fucking crumble if I fart within 4 feet of it.  What was the point?  Hey kids…spend an eternity putting this together then put it on your shelf and look at it!  What fun!!  Go fuck yourself, Legos.

Duplos – Legos for the retarded kid down the street.

There you go, shit dicks.  The toys I would give my right nut for to be able to play with again instead of being a working stiff.  We have a few different eras that comment here so there should be some pretty heavy nostalgia going on today.  Look for Grumpy to talk about his Evil Knievel card collection or how revolutionary the hula hoop was.  Look for StanGina to be a faggot.  Adios, turd nuggets.


Grumpy said...

Electric football eas the best toy ever. I cheated, so I always won.

Anonymous said...

Good topic. The last two Weeks at work have been insane for me as well.

Nintendo and super soakers are great choices. I'd add Game Boy to this list.


The Iceman said...

Nice. Game Boy. Those were definitely sweet but I had the more bulky and less economically friendly Game Gear by Sega. That think took 6 AA batteries but felt like it took 100. And it still only lasted like 4 hours max. You had to hook it up to a fucking generator if you were looking for extended play time.

I wonder how many people will cross me with my Lego stance today.

GMoney said...

This is a damn fine topic.

I don't remember being big into Transformers. I think I was a GoBots guy because I must have spent some of my earlier years in Goochland, VA since those are the white trash version of Transformers.

GI Joe was the shit. I think I still have a bunch of them buried in some box somewhere. I used to also have a fuckload of Star Wars figures and He Man. He Man was my favorite, I think, because I am a flamboyantly gay bro. I'll allow it though because when you're young, you don't know that He Man wants to Sandusky all the corn out of your shit.

I did not have a Nintendo. Everyone else in the 'hood did though so I didn't feel like I missed all that much.

Super Soakers were terrific. One of the Cramers pissed in one once and then hosed down Matt Beltz with the urine concoction. Greatest day ever because Beltz was a HUGE turd.

OVERRATED - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yeah, I said it. It sounds like they might be making a comeback to which I will not be a part of.

Fuck you and your Legos hate. Legos are great.

Cakes had a huge collection of Cabbage Patch dolls. Probably.

GMoney said...

Although DO NOT go to a Lego store these days. Those places are pure evil. EVIL.

Jeff said...

TMNT not overrated. I had a tank that launched pizzas and it was sick.

Never had a Gameboy. I had a Game Gear. Color screen, baby.

Nintendo with GAME GENIE was awesome. Codes for anything you could ever want.

The Iceman said...

Star Wars and He-Man were also great toys although now when I look back on it He-Man does look like it was a toyline for the homosexual. I had some ThunderCats but was kinda luke warm on those. My dad told me Sunday he found half of the Millenium Falcon across the crick about 2 months ago. Yeah...we did a good job of taking care of our toys growing up. Half of my Star Wars collection never made it out alive when my parents moved us from town to the country. I promise you they're still buried in the sandbox we had in the back yard.

Legos are stupid. Final. You can't play with them. You just build shit and look at it. And heaven forbid you lose your place in the building manual. "Was I on step 1,247 or step 1,248? Fuck. Guess I'm done putting this together..."

Anonymous said...

Great post.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were the shit. Jeff, I think i had the same tank you are talking about. I know I still have all of those fuckers in a box in my parents basement somewhere.

Nintendo IS the best toy ever.

Drew and Dut probably play strip Simon together.


GMoney said...

Crick? Nice lingo, rube. Now you're on the trolley!

Clearly, you do not recall the HeMan cartoon which was the most blatantly gay TV show this side of Bravo. Dude kept trying to skullfuck Skeletor. Is there any wonder why he was always so pissed off?

Legos are great because they are killers. You get some dumb kid who likes to put them in his mouth, the next thing you know he's choking on one and the sharp corners are ripping up his trachea and BANG dead. Legos = Darwinism.

One of these days, we're going to get around to that big baseball card post that we've been foreshadowing.

Grumpy said...

Damman just requested I be linked to him on Linkedin. That's fine, so have others here. I'm just wondering of what value I am since I don't work and my business connections are dying.

Also, I don't even remember my password.

MuDawgfan said...

Not really a toy per-se but more of an activity. The kids who owned "Crocodile Mile" or "Slip n' Slide" were the kings of the neighborhood.

Check out these lucky bastards:


Ace said...

Great post.

TMNT is most fucking definitely NOT overrated. Jeff, I also had the pizza slangin tank. I fucking lived for TMNT and the original TMNT movie is still one of my all-time faves.

Linkin' Logs>>>Legos

I was also obsessed with dinosaurs. When Jurassic Park came out I owned every JP product possible. The Compound was my favorite because I would make Dr. Grant bang out Dr. Sattler.

I had a Sega Nomad, which was a miniature Sega that would actually take Sega games. It was pretty fucking clutch for road trips. It is still in my basement.

I also had a fuckton of miniature army people, tanks, and planes and would have enormous wars for hours. And when I got bored I would send the bomber in to level everybody. Nobody survived. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Lots to address...

As I was typing this, I realized that I might come off as a spoiled brat who had everything. It should be noted that I have a brother who is less than a year younger than me. So, we played with the same toys, but OBVZ since there were two of us, we got double the action!

First and foremost, Legos were and are the greatest toy. I'm sorry, your prepackaged toy that you clearly built with the dexterity of an amputee fell apart. BUILD SOMETHING ELSE. You are given a fuckton of blocks and you need directions to build whatever the fuck you want? Incorrect. Because I loved the pure destruction, I constantly built forts/cars/crazy shit for my GI Joes to have an all out war in.

GI Joe's are the GOAT. The amount of time I spent playing with those things are immeasurable. However, around the age of 12 or 13 they all met an untimely death via my bb gun. ELITE fact: shooting that screw in the spine of a GI Joe causes them to explode with their limbs shooting off in separate directions. Think about the accuracy involved in that!

I discovered Nintendo shortly through Kindergarten and had to own one. Kung Fu was my game of choice at a young age, but I did accrue nearly 150 games. I also had every gaming system until PS1 came out. Rainy days were ELITE in the Ide household.

I had the same TMNT tank that Jeff did. That thing was great until a week later and all the pizzas were lost and/or swept up by the vacuum. Never got Leonardo though, because FUCK LEONARDO. I did have the Krang doll (it was an action figure, but his body was a giant rubber doll (semantics)).

Transformers. Man, I had so many of these toys. I did have the Optimus Prime, but we never got Megatron, which was meh, because I loved the villians as a kid. That was also the first movie that made me cry. Killing Optimus Prime scarred me for around a month.

We had various He-Men and Thundercats.

We tended to stick to Transformers and GI Joes due to mobility. Non movable joints was a big no no in the toy world.

We also had the entire set of DinoRiders. Those toys were ELITE, but not many other people played with them.

Supersoakers. We had a good amount of these, but in 6th grade I got the XP 200 (I think that's what it was called) which came with strict instructions not to hit anyone in the face due to the extreme water pressure. I fucking hit EVERYONE in the face with that thing. There is a watergun park in Hilliard where literal fights would break out. When I took that puppy onto the battle field, people took notice and were either on my side or they got what they deserved. The only heroic thing that I probably ever did was break a kids nose because he was picking on my brother over getting hit in the face with his XP 200. Good times.

Great post.


Anonymous said...

Slip and Slides/Crocodile Runs were awesome. Not awesome: not waiting until the whole thing was lubricated.

Can we all agree that Technix were for faggots and nerds?

Various NERF weaponry. This included but was certainly not limited to that baseball bat of theirs. That thing took lives.

I had some Jurassic Park toys as well. We immediately lost any removable parts, like every dinosaurs rib cage (kinda grisly when you think about it).

GHOSTBUSTERS. I had the fire station and Ecto 1. The various slimes that went with it led to me getting suspended from school for a day for putting it in people hair. All slime was removed from my household soon thereafter.


Ace said...

HOLY FUCK IDE!! I totes forgot about my Dinoriders toys. I still have an old VHS at my parents house of the cartoon. That shit was awesome.

Prime99 said...

I love Transformers (OBVS.) I had so many of those damn things, but none are salvageable to make cash. I have an odd memory of me getting a duplicate Transformer at a bday party from someone and I said, "oh awesome, but I just got this one earlier, but thanks!" Little G$ then told me not to be an ungrateful jerk. What a wise kid- even then he knew if was best to thank gratitude before going to the store and exchanging the gift for something else!

Ide- totally agreed about the death of Optimus Prime. Hasbro did it to SELL MORE TOYS! Stop ripping kids' hearts out for economic gain!

Nintendo was the best. RC Pro AM or Contra for hours. When Baseball Stars came out, I couldn't stop building my team. They even had a "Prestige" attribute- LOL! Kung Fu was also awesome, but the GOAT was probably Tecmo Super Bowl.

Excellent topic today.

Anonymous said...

Best Nintendo games: Tysons punch out, Excitebike, Contra, Mario, California Games, Tecmo Bowl, and of course Zelda.


Anonymous said...

Legos are overrated? FALSE. I helped my nephew build shit on Christmas this year and I'm pretty sure I had more fun than he did. Glad everyone else agrees.

You're forgetting the greatest toy of all time and that is the nerf bow and arrow. That thing was a game changer.

I feel bad for grumpy in this conversation. I would hate to see what toys he played with. Probably just went straight to wooden dildos at age 5.


GMoney said...

Jesus Christ, Ide is the fucking Toy Hunter apparently.

Prime, is that true? I don't remember that happening but I am not surprised since I am ALL CLASS.

I find it funny that all of you tards were the I LIKE TURTLES kids.

GMoney said...

Probably just went straight to wooden dildos at age 5.

You are known more for your groomed stubble than your comedic work but this line made me chortle hard. I, too, have been trying to think of old timey toys from the Grump Era and the only thing I'm coming up with is rocks. Wooden dildos work better.

Grumpy said...

I had a Nintendo 64 in my 40's. I could save the Queen in Super Mario Bros.in 13 minutes.

Grumpy said...

Toy trucks and fire engines, squirt guns and slingshots. Metal toys loaded with lead, not plastic junk.

Ace said...

Grumpy probably owned 40 variations of Jack in the Box.

Jeff said...

Yo-Yos and marbles

Anonymous said...

Do board games count? Or is that another ELITE post? We had at the peak 54 board games. Eight of them being various editions of Monopoly and almost as many Clue's. And Crossfire (I can still sing that fucking theme song)!

I also seem to remember playing with A LOT of WWF action toys with the ring. This proved meddlesome since only one person could play on it at once.

My brother RARELY played with our toys with each other. And took a very diplomatic approach to splitting up our GI Joes. We had a few favorites that the other wasn't allowed to play with and then we did a NFL style draft to make sure we had an equal amount.


GMoney said...

Board games could be for another day. DO NOT REPLY TO IDE. DO NOT FEED THE POST IDEA THIEF.

WWF action figures were pretty solid as well. I may still have mine actually. Nothing better than dropping your Owen Hart figure from great distances just like real life.

Ace said...

I also had Macho Man and Ultimate Warrior stuffed wrestling doll things. They were called wrestling buddies. I was undefeated in our wrestling matches.

This was my captcha: Tolerantia tonoasa...why?

The Iceman said...

"I, too, have been trying to think of old timey toys from the Grump Era and the only thing I'm coming up with is rocks"

A+ work. Be proud of what you did there.

I knew all you queens would love Legos. You probably all made stables for your My Little Ponies with them.

I'm really glad no one is defending the Rubix cube. Lame fuckin toy.

The Light Bright was pretty underrated too. If only for constructing illuminated boners to sabotage your siblings with. Pretty sure my parents thought my younger brother had a dick obsession at age 6.

Anonymous said...

LiteBrites were ELITE.

You are the first person Ive ever heard shit on Legos. Your reasons are A) they fall apart and B) you build them and thats it.

Lets address these issues.

A) You build like a fucking girl and you clearly wanted your fortresses premade like the USS Flagg. You probably didnt make snow/tree/dirt/blanket/pillow forts and Im guessing probably hated camping. Building things isnt your forte and this makes you less of a man. Legos only fall apart when you throw your brothers pitate ship down the stairs. Truth.

B) You build them, admire your creation and play with it a few times and then you do one of a couple things. You put together the harder alternative model on the back page with ZERO instructions or you combine them with your other Legis foe something awesome. Your inagination is your limit. This displeased you, clearly. Go do math or play with your chemistry set, fag.

Legos were and always will be ELITE.


Anonymous said...

First post here, but I've been reading for years. This has to be one of the best posts ever.

I'm a bit older (42), so a lot of what you're talking about was just after me.

I had original Atari 2600. Elite.

But the best was the handheld electronic football game.


-MUfan (Dawg & G$ might remember me from mht.com)

Ace said...


Couch cushions forts were the fucking best. We used to set those up and then have rubber band gun wars. I once shot my cousin in the eye from across the room by shooting my rubberband through a 1 inch gap in the cushions. That shot was legendary.

Was Echo for Atari? I feel like I played that at some point.

Prime99 said...

G$- that definitely happened. I don't remember the exact quote though.

The Iceman said...

I knew this toy post would impress.

Ide defending Legos so passionately tells me that he TOTES made My Little Pony stables out of them. Legos were a waste of time. I was too busy outside making a zipline from our tree house to the sand box for my G.I. Joes. Don't tell me I lack creativity, bitch.

GMoney said...

Dammit, stop complimenting him or he's never going to try again.

I am aware of your existence, MUFan!

Ron Swanson plays with a LiteBrite to spell POOP. That is all you need to know.

Think about Legos from a parents perspective. Those things were like 2-3 hour babysitters and silence makers depending on the difficulty. Ask any parent and I'd bet that they tell you that Legos are the greatest toy ever. The only problem is that there are MILLIONS of pieces involved and kids never pick up anything. Every time that we are visiting the in-laws, I step on at least ten Legos and they always feel like death (or DEAF if you coach Golden State).

Anonymous said...

You are from the modern generation of Legos. The pussified-don't use your imagination-use this 80 page instruction guide version.

Legos used to be just blocks and you bought a few things to build a foundation on and then you were off to build whatever YOU wanted.

BB guns and slingshots were/are good.

Anonymous said...

You are correct about work too. I sat through an hour meeting yesterday where 43 people were called into a room to watch 3 people come up with a schedule via projecting their laptop on the screen.

A complete waste of time. If I could have killed them all without retribution there would be a lot of bloated corpses somewhere in a conference room in middle America.

Anonymous said...

Nice work anon!

Icemans idea of creativity is tying a string from a tree to a sandbox. This makes me lol. Im sure his Halloween costumes were tshirt jerseys or a plastic sword with his normal clothes and he called himself a musketeer.


GMoney said...

Iceman sucks.

Prime99 said...

Iceman probably gave me a duplicate toy at my birthday party!

Anonymous said...

I bet it was a set of non Crayola crayons.


GMoney said...

Iceman then took that duplicate toy and buried it in the crick while he was out giggin' frogs.


The Iceman said...

Crick. That's what the fuck it is. What am I supposed to call it? God damn stream? Fuckin moat? Babbling brook??

Legos were a chore. A scam. An errand to run. A way to trick kids into thinking they were actually playing. Those of you saying you had Legos durable enough to make something that could actually be played with probably had Duplos in reality. And we all know what kids had Duplos. The ones who had helmets as mandatory pieces of their wardrobe or those who ate cold baked beans from a can for dinner every night.

Prime99 said...

You could call it a "creek" you yokel.

GMoney said...

LOL U DUMB. It's a Creek, Icelander.

Anonymous said...

He calls it a crick because he was played with LegOhs and they were always falling apart when he was building them.

Ace said...

Icelander...I like it

The Iceman said...

Fuckin crick. Final.

Ide said...

That Bart Simpson, he writes like people talk!


Prime99 said...

I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek. I will call it a creek.