Friday, June 14, 2013

Angry Rant Friday

Will not be served at Merion this weekend.
We are not fucking around today, people.  It is one of those days where we get everything off of our barrel chests.  It has been awhile since my normally mild-mannered and civilized self has done this but after watching a few hours of Chris Berman make sweaty, drunk, and gross love with Roger Maltbie yesterday, I am all out of sorts.  And, of course, filled with murderous rage.  Shall we?  WE SHALL.

*TIGER WOODS IS BACK! - Just stop it.  I HATE this talking point that morons seem to bring up every few weeks.  Look, I can already tell after five holes that Woods is going home without another major title this weekend.  That's obvious to anyone with working eyeballs.  So this weekend is a wash for me since I hate the US Open anyway and the only reason that I watch will not be in contention.  Here's the thing: just because he is back to winning those shit tournaments at Doral or Riviera or whatever doesn't mean dick.  Tiger Woods isn't here to win those because no one remembers.  He is here to take the majors to Pound Town.  So until he wears the gold jacket or hoists the Maurice Clarett Jug/Dut Cup, he isn't "back".  Majors matter--nothing else does (especially FedEx Cup points).  So STOP IT and go get me a bucket of fried chicken.

*THE UNWRITTEN RULES! - Ugh, I love baseball but the archaic rules are fucking retarded and our being meted out these days by the dumbest human beings on the planet and they are enforcing them incorrectly.  When the only decent player on the Dodgers gets hit IN THE FACE, then yes, a Diamondback should expect to catch one in the back.  I support this actually and not just because of eye for an eye either.  I believe in swift and equal justice for all.  That should have ended right there.  But NOOOOOO, Ian Kennedy had to hit plunk the pitcher around the head for doing his job and then benches cleared like a mug as they should have.  Kirk Gibson should be suspended for 50 games over this.  That was some bullshit.  You don't retaliate on the retaliation.  I hope that Ian Kennedy receives a thousand facials this weekend and goes blind from all the semen in his eye sockets.

*UNLIMITED TIMEOUTS! - NBA teams get SEVEN timeouts per game.  What the fuck?  What do you need all of those timeouts for?  You're purposely making these games twenty minutes longer than they need to be.  Do you really need more than three or four?  Keep these fucking games moving already!

*CLUTCH! - I don't use ESPN Mobile apps but I know that I never will because of those horribly animated commercials with the dipshittiest of all dipshits saying CLUTCH all the time.  The only way that these could be worse is if they stole Cullen's catchphrase of "HAAAAARRRRRRRSH". 

*I WIPE MY BROW AND I SWEAT MY RUST - I used to like that song by Imagine Dragons but HOLY SHIT IT IS EVERYWHERE NOW.  The Jackets' pregame video was set to this song and it was badass and then everyone decided to use it and now I hate it dearly.  Of course, LeBron had to jump on the bandwagon about six months too late because he is a shitdick.  KILL THIS SONG!  KILL IT GOOD AND DEAD FOREVER.

Before I go, I also want to echo Jeff's comments from yesterday in which game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final was interrupted by three full periods of Jym Ganahl and Colleen Marshall arguing about wind and who has the bigger FUPA.  It was Jim.  There were apparently a whole fuck-ton of complaints to the network so GO HOCKEY!  I was wondering if next week would be a good week to unload Guest Post Week (still missing Cakes!).  I probably should have just asked Iceman personally.  Whatever.  Fuck that guy.

32 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Manu Ginobili... Not Clutch

GMoney said...

Mr. Ace...Yes Gay

Jeff said...

Gold Jacket? Is Tiger going into the Pro Football HOF???

I loathe Jym!!

Ian Kennedy is a turd. Retaliate the retaliation by hitting the pitcher, who is Zach 'lil bitch' Greinke? What a puss move. I can't wait for a pitcher to retaliate and throw a sideways heater that "slipped" into an opposing dugout.

In that brawl Big Mac was gonna go HAM on somebody.

GMoney said...

That was a Happy Gilmore reference, you knob.

Big Mac was INSANE. He was going to eat Matt Williams' family. Roid rage, no doubt.

Pop had Boris Diaw's lard ass guarding Way of Wade for at least ten minutes last night. FIRE HIM.

Anonymous said...

I wanted Big Mac to rip someones head off. Even at his age, I'd bet dollars to donuts that he'd fuck up half that team at once.

Tiger is done, and it's great. You shouldn't watch anymore golf G$, because you are terrible and watch terrible golfers. Go Phil!

Ginobili has had the worst Finals of any good player that I might have ever seen. Every time he gets the ball he is a liability. I went to bed shortly after he fucked up a dribble then threw up a hail mary 3 pointer when the game was tight and 17 second left on the shot clock.

On that note, and in spirit of Angry Rant Friday, FUCK 9PM GAMES. Seriously, fuck them right in their ass. If I can force myself to stay up the entire time and watch the whole game, I am dragging ass in the morning. Today at the gym, there were 5 of us complaining about what bitches we all are because not one of us could make it past the third quarter. I made it half way, and I think I was the winner.

Speaking of the gym, I walk up to the 4th floor where the weights are (I lift, bro), and on the third floor, where they keep the treadmills, I see this fucking guy: Flat billed New Era hat, ratty t-shirt, Airwalks, and black jeans, with hipster glasses. On a treadmill. In a gym. I looked at him, we made eye contact, and I laughed heartily. I never judge anyone in a gym, especially fat people, because, that's where you want to see them. However, hipsters wearing fucking denim at 6:15am on a treadmill deserve every bit of scorn and judgment one can muster up. Who the fuck does this clown think he is?

Ide

The Iceman said...

As an avid Ginobili hater, nothing warms my heart more than watching his decaying corpse shit up the court. If Popvich is supposed to be this great basketball mind, he would have realized midway through the season that Ginobili is done. But hey...keep playing him 30 minutes a game and hand LeBron his second title. Even better.

Danny Green will never be this good again. Ever. That goes double for Gary Neal...who's name sounds like he works for a mid level accounting firm.

Boris Diaw continues to be a fat hog. He's the Jose Valverde of the NBA. Lardy and rotten.

This needs to be repeated...Mario Chalmers is a complete sack of shit. I bet Heat fans even hate him.

Prime99 said...

Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?

Imagine Dragons are an odd band to figure out. On one hand, my natural reaction is to hate them. Yet, they are one of the few newer bands to put out somewhat decent music so that's good. However, you're right, G$. That song is everywhere and it's getting annoying.

It's weird for Ide to give an update from the gym that doesn't involve staring at black cock.

The Iceman said...

Gold jacket, green jacket...who gives a shit?

Anonymous said...

I've since stopped going to that location. Never again. And, it's the closest to my house. I think I went back once since, and due to my dry skin, I went into the steam room. Three guys were sitting next to each other on the same wall as the door (as to not see them, through the window), I looked at them, and turned right around and went home. Apparently, it's a running joke around the other locations about that one.

It's weird because the fags have their own gyms in NYC, and there is one not 5 blocks from that location. Basically, my Angry Rant Friday is including all gay people.

I hear Columbus has had a rash of gay beatings lately. This tells me two things: Columbus is fucking awesome, and Dut better stay home. According to my facebook feed the fags have coordinated today as the day where they take a stand against gay hate crimes by, wait for it, wearing PINK. Yes, the way you TAKE A STAND, is by dressing garishly and walking the streets easily recognized. God, I hope I read about hundreds of beatings tomorrow. Nice fucking plan geniuses. Must be all that HIV clouding their minds.

Feels good to rant.

Ide

GMoney said...

Yes, thank you, both of you for understanding an obvious reference.

Let me fill you in on another secret: Phil isn't going to win either. It will probably be some no name loser like Goya or that bucket of shit Webb Simpson or whatevs.

Corporate America better not run that new Daft Punk song into the ground. There is nothing that sounds like that which makes me like it. I listen to it all the time while running on the treadmill in my skinny jeans and porkpie hat.

Mario Chalmers' family doesn't even like Mario Chalmers. I mean, how could they? All of his money goes to area Shoney's.

GMoney said...

Ide, or it means that Brady Quinn is back in town. No one hates the gays more than their King.

Jeff said...

I give a shit!!! It's Friday morning, my thought processing skills aren't up to par. Not that they ever are though.

Is Grump still passed out from the enema LeBron gave him last night???

How about the jackass that broke "THE ROCK"? Harvey Updyke wannabe. You will pay!!!!!

Prime99 said...

Daft Punk is already ruined by fanboy hipsters and corporate America is running right behind them to sniff their skinny jeans.

GMoney said...

ROLL DAMN COCKS! Ol' Ball Coach gives no fucks about Dabo's stone.

Anonymous said...

Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit!

-Stan

Brady said...

Angry Rants are my favorite rants.

I wish I could've seen Sergio attempt to apologize to Tiger on the driving range the other day. That shit was probably LULZ. What a fucking squid.

I always enjoy an Ide story but how did racism not play a part in that last one? For Shame.

I have been traveling non-stop for the past two weeks. I am going to be back in Columbus until Sunday drinking beers and playing massive amounts of golf. I took Monday off next week so I could do lawn stuff and WRITE MY POST. I'm truly sorry (not really) about the delay. I just haven't had the time to sit down and do it. This is my excuse. I realize it's a bad one because G$ somehow churns one out every day but it's the only one I have. I've been out of the blogging game too long and have become lazy and complacent. By Monday night, there will be a post in your inbox, G$. I promise (LOL).

Prime99 said...

Cakes' lack of post either proves how difficult it is to blog (well) or how lazy Cakes is. Both?

Stan going for the Happy Gilmore hat trick was damn funny.

GMoney said...

I demand a stuffed box.

Anonymous said...

"I demand a stuffed box."

That's what she said! Count it!

I thought putting the weather on over the hockey game was hilarious. I would love to hear some of the calls that NBC Columbus got.

I'd like to start a petition to remove robot proofing. Your comments will go up by 30% if you take it down. Today I have to type fortsgc 20.3. That takes 45 seconds out of my day.

Dut

Prime99 said...

I like the robot proofing.

Less Dut > More Dut + Spam

Brady said...

I like matching wits with the robot. I often fail the first try because it looks like a dislexic monkey wrote the challenge word but it's nice to start your day with an eventual win over skynet.

National Weather Service confirms FIVE tornados touched down in NW Ohio Wednesday night. That was some good weather'n right there!

GMoney said...

Robot Prevention is very important and an issue that I take very seriously. I am in insecure sitemaster that needs constant reassurance that you all are human beings.

It stays.

Anonymous said...

Well, you do get mechanical pussy more than the real stuff nowadays, so it should be of little surprise to many here.

Tiger is falling apart and it's great. WatchESPN has to be the best thing since sliced bread. Streaming anything on the internet whilst working is ELITE.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Well, you do get mechanical pussy more than the real stuff nowadays, so it should be of little surprise to many here.

Tiger is falling apart and it's great. WatchESPN has to be the best thing since sliced bread. Streaming anything on the internet whilst working is ELITE.

Ide

Jeff said...

DOUBLE POST!

Don't know the facts behind this, but I heard on the radio in which they cited the US Census Bureau as a source, that by the year 2043, WHITES will be a MINORITY!

Ide, you've got some work to do...

Anonymous said...

ELITE double post OR is Big Blog keeping a watchful eye on us all?!

That 2043, I will be 61. If I haven't died from heart disease (let's call it 73% chance I do), I will move to some distant land where there are no coloreds. Montana is still a thing, right?

Ide

GMoney said...

There is nothing mechanical about the DFL Trophy. Synthetic flesh or GTFO.

Jimmy Chitwood said...

I figured it's time for me to start playing ball. But there's just one thing. I play...robot prevention stays. He goes, I go.

GMoney said...

Tiger is falling apart and it's great.

Unless my wildly unCLUTCH espn.com is way behind, Woods is at +2 overall and one of the few guys under par today. You keep saying these words. I do not think that you know what they mean.

Phil's got at least a 74 in him today. LOL at that faggot going to an 8th grade graduation. I bet he was banging the janitor (Tim Gray).

Thanks for your support, Jimmy!!!

GMoney said...

By the way, you really have to commend Merion on having a Front 10/Back 8. Only the finest places are laid out like that.

Anonymous said...

Tiger will be in the top 15 & within 3 or 4 by days end. He will struggle over the weekend though because he's not clutch in majors anymore & he probably smells b/c all blacks do

GMoney said...

Makes sense. You don't have to post anonymously here, Don Imus. Let the hate flow from within!