|Will not be served at Merion this weekend.|
*TIGER WOODS IS BACK! - Just stop it. I HATE this talking point that morons seem to bring up every few weeks. Look, I can already tell after five holes that Woods is going home without another major title this weekend. That's obvious to anyone with working eyeballs. So this weekend is a wash for me since I hate the US Open anyway and the only reason that I watch will not be in contention. Here's the thing: just because he is back to winning those shit tournaments at Doral or Riviera or whatever doesn't mean dick. Tiger Woods isn't here to win those because no one remembers. He is here to take the majors to Pound Town. So until he wears the gold jacket or hoists the Maurice Clarett Jug/Dut Cup, he isn't "back". Majors matter--nothing else does (especially FedEx Cup points). So STOP IT and go get me a bucket of fried chicken.
*THE UNWRITTEN RULES! - Ugh, I love baseball but the archaic rules are fucking retarded and our being meted out these days by the dumbest human beings on the planet and they are enforcing them incorrectly. When the only decent player on the Dodgers gets hit IN THE FACE, then yes, a Diamondback should expect to catch one in the back. I support this actually and not just because of eye for an eye either. I believe in swift and equal justice for all. That should have ended right there. But NOOOOOO, Ian Kennedy had to hit plunk the pitcher around the head for doing his job and then benches cleared like a mug as they should have. Kirk Gibson should be suspended for 50 games over this. That was some bullshit. You don't retaliate on the retaliation. I hope that Ian Kennedy receives a thousand facials this weekend and goes blind from all the semen in his eye sockets.
*UNLIMITED TIMEOUTS! - NBA teams get SEVEN timeouts per game. What the fuck? What do you need all of those timeouts for? You're purposely making these games twenty minutes longer than they need to be. Do you really need more than three or four? Keep these fucking games moving already!
*CLUTCH! - I don't use ESPN Mobile apps but I know that I never will because of those horribly animated commercials with the dipshittiest of all dipshits saying CLUTCH all the time. The only way that these could be worse is if they stole Cullen's catchphrase of "HAAAAARRRRRRRSH".
*I WIPE MY BROW AND I SWEAT MY RUST - I used to like that song by Imagine Dragons but HOLY SHIT IT IS EVERYWHERE NOW. The Jackets' pregame video was set to this song and it was badass and then everyone decided to use it and now I hate it dearly. Of course, LeBron had to jump on the bandwagon about six months too late because he is a shitdick. KILL THIS SONG! KILL IT GOOD AND DEAD FOREVER.
Before I go, I also want to echo Jeff's comments from yesterday in which game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final was interrupted by three full periods of Jym Ganahl and Colleen Marshall arguing about wind and who has the bigger FUPA. It was Jim. There were apparently a whole fuck-ton of complaints to the network so GO HOCKEY! I was wondering if next week would be a good week to unload Guest Post Week (still missing Cakes!). I probably should have just asked Iceman personally. Whatever. Fuck that guy.