Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Angry Rant: Coaches Edition

   Here's how to get your child more playing time.

I realized yesterday that I haven't gone on an angry rant in awhile.  So instead of live blogging game seven of the Eastern Conference Finals like you probably all want me to, I'm giving you a rant today.  I figured I would stick with disappointing the masses and continue to not give "StanGina" what he wants.  I put StanGina in quotes because now we know he's not real...he's just some puss-mouthed regular too baby dicked to put his real name behind the sass.  But I don't want to veer far from what I really came here to do today.  Let me set the stage for you.  And feel free to talk all things Hansbrough/NBA in the comments.  I'm sure there will be plenty to talk about...especially if Miami goes down. NO HOMO!!

A couple months ago I was somehow talked into coaching.  I have no idea how the fuck it happened.  It escalated so quickly, after I agreed I sat there in astonishment for a few minutes trying to figure out how that shit just went down.  Who knows?  Maybe I was high on quaaludes that day or possibly huffing goat piss in a room with nothing but strobe lights.  Regardless, it happened and when I make a commitment to something, I honor that commitment.  It's just the awesome guy I am.

So at this point I'm sure you're all wondering what sort of coaching could Iceman possibly be dedicating his precious summer to.  Girls 12U softball.  I know...and I'll willingly take the shots because I'm certainly not proud of it.  But unlike StanGina, I can put my name behind shit and own up to what I've got going on like real fucking men do.  Anyway...I knew from the start this was a fucking rotten idea.  The guy in charge is a complete boob.  He's married and at the same time has been trying to penetrate my friend Teri.  The one responsible for talking me into this.  At the very first meeting he promised to help out the newbs (me) in any way possible and would always answer our calls when we had questions.  Well...what he failed to mention is that he was willing to do all this as long as the idea he was some day going to be cramming his rat dick in my friend's vag hole was still alive and well.  You see...she put an end to the hilarious notion of banging this turd once she found out (a week ago) what his intentions were.  Because you know...she isn't a fucking scumbag.  And wouldn't you know it...dick cheese commissioner has conveniently stopped picking up the phone when we call now.  So you can see the horse's ass we're dealing with here.

The real issue I have is this.  And for all of you other coaches out there please, chime in.  The God damn fucking parents make me never want to do this shit ever again.  At this point I would be more willing to nail my dick to a burning building before even thinking about coaching in the future.  Let me back up for a second.  This team I coach is in the bronze league.  Which translates to pretty much the worst, most useless AFFleats on the planet.  Three fourths of our team have never played softball in their fucking lives at 12 years old if that tells you anything.  And the 25% who have were taught ZERO fundamentals in the past.  We also have a deaf girl and a girl with autism.  Not joking.  And the only sign language I know is the bird and air wanking...which nether are softball related and incredibly inappropriate for a 12 year old girl depending on which side of Toledo she's from.

So basically what I'm saying is that the team I coach is complete shit, the girls know nothing and the commish is a top shelf dick nose with zero morals.  And if that was the whole story I wouldn't even be mad.  What I'm about to tell you is what makes my blood pressure explode to dangerous levels.  We've had three different parents attempt to remove their kids from our team and place them on better ones.  Two have been successful and one wasn't.  I'm sorry...when did they start allowing 12 year olds to shop the fucking free agent/trade market?!

I played little league for four years.  And it was the worst four years of my life.  Not because I didn't like playing baseball and not because I didn't like my team mates.  It was the worst because I played for the Tigers...the notoriously worst team in little league.  I would be willing to wager the Tigers have probably held onto that crown up to present day.  We were a fucking doormat for four years and would consistently lose games by 20 runs.  I had to sit back and observe all my friends winning games and having the time of their God damn lives from the fucking gutter for four years.  Did I bitch?  No.  Did I ask for a trade?  No.  Why?  Because that's not how shit goes down at 12 years old.  You play the cards that are dealt and stick it out with the rest of those players condemned to the same awful existence you were cursed with.  And if you're a parent, you fucking force your kid to learn that lesson.  That not every team they play for is going to be sweet.  That you can't choose your situation at every step during life.  That you fucking man up and take it on the chin like a champ when put in shitty situations.  You teach them that sometimes you lose in life.  You don't teach your kids that it's okay to throw in the towel.  Or demand a trade.  Or just fucking quit because you aren't on a good team or that shit's too hard.

If that wasn't bad enough, now we have parents calling us questioning our coaching methods.  There was even a parent who called Teri and chewed her ass for not providing them directions to the field we were playing on.  Are you shitting me?  I was unfuckingaware that my first fucking name is Google Maps!!  Ever heard of the Internet, fuck face?!  I'm sure it's on there somewhere!  You just have to drop the lard sandwich and use your sausage fingers to navigate!  While I'm at it, should I come over and give you a step by step tutorial on how to properly wipe your own ass?  That shit is so irritating.  So let me see if I get this right.  When they had a coaching vacancy and had to basically fucking beg someone with zero softball experience to coach, you could have stepped up yourself and done it at any point.  You know...because you're so God damn smart.  But instead you decided to let me take the job then loudly criticize my every move from the bleachers.  I'm not sure if you've noticed this but our team still has no fucking clue what a cut off man is a month into the season.  Not because we didn't teach it to them but because they're apparently half brain dead and can't retain the knowledge.  So I think asking our catcher to make an attempt to throw out a runner stealing second might be just a tad out of her wheel house.  But thanks for the suggestion anyway, cunt.

Never again.  Never fucking again will I ever let someone talk me into something so incredibly stressful.  My future request to all of you is simple.  A few of us here (at least one) has a child that will be starting AFFletics some time in the next six to ten years.  And most of us at some point will have offspring.  And a few of us shouldn't (looking at Ide and Brady CookieCakes).  When you decide to put your child into sports, do everyone a favor and let the coaches coach.  If you don't like they manner in which they teach and think you can offer up something better...be our fucking guest, grab the whistle and volunteer.  But until you do that, do us all a favor and shut the fuck up in the meantime.  And for Christ sake leave your kid on the team they were drafted to.  The last thing we needs are more pussies on the planet who were never taught the value of nutting up. 


Grumpy said...

Excellent! Sums up the sentiments of every volunteer coach I have ever known.

Did they run a background check on you? Just sayin'.

GMoney said...

That was an impressive rant right there. I know that I shouldn't be impressed by a volunteer 12U softball coach though because LOL GAY.

You are 100% right though. Parents have way too much control over athletics these days. Hell, there is a head coaching vacancy at NHS right now largely in part because of this.

I see awful coaches all the time. They only speak in cliches and tell kids the most worthless advice ever like "keep your elbow up" when you are batting. Baseball Tonight had a hilarious segment last week in which Larkin and Acta just came out and said that that is the dumbest thing that you could possibly do as a hitter. Anyway, not everyone out there is Tony LaRussa. You have to know this as a parent.

If you believe that Junior isn't being taught properly then teach him yourself--don't embarrass the guy who you apparently believe is purposely trying to make Junior a shitty player. Those aren't the coach's intentions, asshole. He's doing the best that he can with what he has to work with. All he wants to do is win because that postgame 30 pack of original Coors tastes so much better for victors.

Why don't you send old Teri over to TMS table at your receptions and we'll make a dishonest woman out of her.

I nailed it. Pacers were going to fold. If you didn't see that coming than your daughter probably plays for Iceman.

MuDawgfan said...

Happy to see G$ rant about this today.
I remember some basketball clinic I went too. Mornings and afternoons had lots of drills and then we would play two games a day, right before lunch and right before going home.

Some parent tried to pull their kid from the camp because our team was 3-5 after a couple of days and he wasn't scoring much. The head coaches decision (he ran the camp) was final. "They learn more when they lose - no trades"

Jeff said...

I coached high school baseball for 3 years and if being a baseball coach meant COACHING the team and not constantly dealing with parents' bullshit, then I would probably still be coaching.

I coached a travel summer team a couple years ago and had a few run ins with parents. Needless to say, I had a few kids quit that summer. I had a decent team. We held tryouts for the team the previous fall so this wasn't a pay your fees and every gets to play. This was a pay your fees, shut the hell the up and I'm fucking WINNING games.

I had a parent send me a long email after one of our weekend tournaments questioning my coaching style and lack of his kids playing time. I responded with stats for every kid competing for that position. I never saw the kid again or heard from his parents.

GMoney said...

Dawg, this was all Iceman. I know, I was surprised, too. I thought that I was the only one here with a true passion for blogging and hating parents.

Iceman, you're pretty much just a babysitter out there at that level and skill set, right?

Anonymous said...

I see you, Mookie Blaylock! I see you, dawg! Good job!

--Dante Stallworth

Tonya said...

This is probably one of my favorite posts to date... I feel your pain Ice!

Anonymous said...

Since my birthday was less than a week before the age cut off in my grade, I was the youngest kid at my level. Which meant, developmentally, I was basically a year behind all my buddies. Since age groups in Hilliard for baseball went every 2 years, I was an all star every other year, and a bench warmer the other ones (hold your kids back, people!). My parents didn't make a fucking peep at my lack of playing time, and they were at every game.

Not because they weren't capable...

So my first year playing organized basketball was in second grade in some hodge podge kiddie league. My brother and I were on the bench in the first quarter goofing off (we were 6 & 7 respectively) with one of our teammates and the coach screamed at us in front of EVERYONE, and didn't put us in a single minute, which was, obviously, against the rules. We rode the bench the entire game.

My dad went fucking off. He humiliated the coach so bad that he quit the team and pulled his own kids FROM THE SCHOOL. Not the team, but from the entire fucking school, as to not run into my dad at any function.

Now, I'm not entirely sure on what happened next, but we didn't play any more that year. However, that may have been our last game of the year, I'm really fuzzy on the details, from a combination of being 7 and not giving a shit about playing team sports at 7 years old. I do know, however, that about a month later, my brother and I received two championship trophies in the mail.


Prime99 said...

Fantastic post. I KNEW that the worst part of coaching is the parents, which is why I have never done it (Coach of the Week Award winner at the Golden State Warriors youth camp circa 2001 here!) in no way do I want to deal with parents of kids bitch about coaching style or playing time. Not happening.

I feel like Tonya is empathizing with the coaching aspect and the commish trying to bang aspect of Ice's post?

The Iceman said...

The only background check they did Grumpy, was watch highlights of my summer league softball games. Those speak for themselves.

Babysitting is about the best way you could describe it, G$. It's astonishing how little these girls know about the game at 12 years old. We have a girl who is all upper body when she swings. Literally plants both feet in the dirt and doesn't move her feet unless she happens to luck out of her ass and make contact by accident. I thought that maybe what we're teaching them is a little too advanced for that age group. But then I thought back to when I was 12 and in my last year of little league. And I remembered how I knew everything. That just confirmed for me that boys will always > girls in all life things.

If I put Teri at the MS table I think a few of you guys might go back changed men.

GMoney said...

Tonya? You beautiful bitch, where have you been hiding?

The Iceman said...

I respect what that coach did, Ide. Send a message early that tomfoolery will not be tolerated in any age bracket.

And let me make sure I repeat this so I'm perfectly clear. It is not o-fucking-kay to remove your child from a team because the team blows. If your kid is getting bullied or the coach is doing something repulsive...like feeling up your kids baby nuggets or some shit...then sure. Get them a new team. And I'm even 50/50 on the whole bully thing because you need to learn to stick up for yourself at some point in your life. But this is why we have so many pussies in the world. Parents are sending the wrong message by catering to their kids bitchy needs all the time. At some point they have to grow a set or they're destined to be crammed into lockers for their entire high school career.

GMoney said...

Since you mentioned Nap Little League, I want to rank franchises in order of importance from what I remember:

1. Red Sox (VFW)
2. A's (Mesa..whatever that is/was)
3. Orioles (Woods Auto Supply)
4. Blue Jays (Bernicke's)
5. White Sox (Rogliatti's Sports Center RIP)
6. Twins (?)
7. Giants (Moose Lodge)
8. Yankees (?)
9. Indians (Campbell's Soup)
10. Tigers (Gerken Paving)

I hope that I got those sponsors right. I have no problem talking Little League all day every day. For example, as a shitty 11 year old pitcher, I once gave up a hit to a 10 year old girl AND a home run to Rickenberg in the same game that I still won. Guess which play haunts me more? It rhymes with Rickenberg.

GMoney said...

Ice, it seems like many parents feel like this will be their kid's coach FOREVER. Dudes and dudettes, the season will be over in two months...(puts on shades and takes them off aggressively)...DEAL WITH IT.

Anonymous said...

My winning prowess in little league was odd. My baseball teams routinely got to the playoffs and usually finished top 3 every year, though, never winning it all.

My basketball teams, regardless of talent level, were fucking terrible. Just rotten. One coach had a habit of throwing basketballs at kids while they did suicides. We were still awful.

But, to your point, taking someone off of a team is complete bullshit, and should be disallowed. Unless the coach is an overbearing asshole. I've had a few of those. The rabid parent who takes Iceman's offer to coach, and rules a bunch of 10 year olds with a ferocity that would make Pat Riley quiver. While I endured them, and aside from that aforementioned basketball coach, I played the entire year without complaining. But I could see where some parents would bristle at that. Their kids are probably bad anyways, so they don't need some assholes dad using his overcompetitiveness to completely disengage their shitty kid. At least they're being active and not sitting at home being fat and undesirable to boys.


Brady said...

"And the only sign language I know is the bird and air wanking...which nether are softball related and incredibly inappropriate for a 12 year old girl depending on which side of Toledo she's from."

This quote is gold.

GMoney said...

The Yankees were affiliated with Kiwanis (whatever that was). It's killing me that I can't remember the Twins sponsor. Where is Damman when we actually need him!

The Iceman said...

"One coach had a habit of throwing basketballs at kids while they did suicides"

This guy knows how to fucking coach.

I'm actually pretty impressed you were able to accurately rip off those little league sponsers at an 80% clip, G$. I was having trouble remembering my own sponser...then I remembered Hudda Gerken was our first baseman when I was 9 and it all came back.

I hit a bomb (maybe 2) off G$ in little league. Never forget. I'm pretty sure that ball is still in orbit as we speak.

I also remember Kyle Fitzenreiter being unhittable in little league. It always felt like he was throwing 170MPH when I was up there.

GMoney said...

I gave up three dingers as a crappy LL pitcher: Iceman (only one BRO), Rickenberg, and the great Kevin Fritz.

Since Damman isn't filling us in on the Twins' financial backer then I will just assume that it was Jason Drain who fronted the cash for them.

Anonymous said...

Twins was rogliatti's. white sox was Henry county bank.

Intensity wins. Never forget, iceman.

I remember Jason Drain going to cedar point the day we played the lowly Tigers in the tourney my 11 yr old year (I think). And we fucking lost. I confronted Drain about this at Ricks one night a couple years ago. I never forget.


Mr. Ace said...

As someone who works with the craziest of the crazy, kids and parents, some advice.

1. Meet with all of the parents before the year to lay down some expectations, state what your goals are for the season, and discuss how you plan to manage playing time. That way there are no surprises.

2. Tell parents how disagreements will be handled. If you prefer email, give them your email. If you prefer to talk after practice, do so.

3. It's your team. If parents don't go through the avenues that you set up then fuck em.

4. Ask the kid. Most kids, even at 12, will tell you the truth about their parents being asshats. Because what the parent wants or thinks is irrelevant. It's about the kids.

5. Parents are the worst.

I don't remember who the Twins sponsor was...would Reiser have sponsored his own team?

I never gave up a bomb, but I only hit one. Very disappointing slugging numbers. But I hit it in the playoffs vs the Yankees.

GMoney said...

Fuck! I blame Burke for confusing me on the White Sox. I'm still pissed that you beat us in the tournament that one year because Ryan Ruiz was a terrible baserunner. I hope he got kidnapped in Peru or wherever he was from.

I hit four dongs over my LL career before going rogue my 12 year old season (the traveling team trolled so hard). One was off of Joe B in extra innings during a great game vs. the Twins as an 11 year old. I used to remember who the other three were off of but the memory is a little cloudy these days.

Ape makes good points but since Ice was a last minute addition to the staff, it was likely too late to set the tone.

Anonymous said...

The White Sox were far superior to the O's & Jays during our LL career

Tonya said...

I'm here every day, my friend. I just don't have a ton of time to comment because this beautiful bitch has her own group of whiny, confused parents to deal with. Yesterday, I felt awful because a parent asked if I wanted her daughter to go play shortstop since I had to sit my own kid on the bench. Nope, your daughter can pull up her own piece of pine. Congrats on getting that position handed to her!

Tonya said...

P.S. Iceman... I have 2 pages of rules that I handed out to every parent at the beginning of the season.


#2 Your child will run 1 lap around the bases each time she is rude, disrespectful, or unsportsmanlike. She will run 2 if one of her parents has that problem.

GMoney said...

T-Sizzle! She's a regular Bill fucking Parcells out there! I bet she runs a lot of Jap plays.

The White Sox were not a better franchise than the O's and Jays. That's ludicrous.

J Rupe said...

Want to fuck?

The Iceman said...

I also remember Randy Kruse being a total shit bag and everyone hating him...maybe that was just my dad.

I know there are some "Intensity" tshirts still floating around out there. I won't rest until I resurrect at least one.

GMoney said...

Ice, his dad was WAY bigger of an ass (and a bad first base coach to boot). I always liked him though. His bunt sign was to pick up a stone and fling it over the fence. We had a sophisticated signaling system in "Baltimore".

The best asshole coach move ever was during the Giants pregame routine when Fat Phil bent Pietsch over his knee and spanked his ass in full view of everyone who was not blind. Corporal punishment in Little League!

We're getting a little relaxed on the name game today. Let's remember the rules even if we aren't necessarily saying anything bad about anyone.

Nate said...

I was a member of the Tigers back in the day and played under the hard hand of Icedad.

We sucked then too.

Anonymous said...

Drew is probably so sad about Gee...


GMoney said...

LOL Gordon! My scathing post was the last straw. He no longer has the will to go on. Bring back Karen Holbrook!

Prime99 said...

I imagine Drew's standard daily attire is a sweater vest with a bow tie. He develop a heart condition and go for the hat trick.

Prime99 said...

He could*

Anonymous said...

Heavan forbid if you are actually a good coach and have a good team. I recently coached a girls basketball team to a perfect 13-0 record and you wouldn't believe the stage whispers, no shaking hands at end of games, kids on other teams calling us cheaters, shit we got all throughout the season. Winning, however, was the best revenge, that and watching the other team cry.

Now a question. I was an assitant coach for a soccer team. Is it against the rules to actually make noise at soccer games? Is it like golf? I cheered our team the whole time from the sidelines and people acted like I was Rodney Dangerfield at Bushwood. Just wondering.

You nailed it though, the same parents that bitch the most are the ones that scurry into the corners when it comes time to volunteer. Sack up or shut up.

GMoney said...

When in doubt, act like Al Czervik. He was a millionaire after all.

Prime99 said...

Or you could act like Rodney Dangerfield from Ladybugs. Best soccer movie ever, AMIRITE?!

The Iceman said...

Fun fact about the Tigers no one will read since its well past commenting hours. But the Tigers had BOTH Hoyt brothers. Double the pleasure. Double the "Hoyt this".

Anonymous said...

Best comment in a week! The Hoyt brothers should definitely be worth moving up a couple spots on G$'s list. I still don't think I've ever laughed harder than when we told him saunders was looking for him and he responded "You can tell saunders to Hoyt this!" I think I'm going to move that into my everyday vernacular. Classic