Friday, May 17, 2013

What to Expect Once You've Said "I Do"

Li’l Strut’s happy ass is getting married tomorrow (to a diehard Notre Dame fan LOL!) so when he asks for a post topic, he damn well gets it. After all, this is the same guy who happened to be the giver of the first card that I opened up the day after my wedding when both families were sitting around watching. The first words that I read on it were “BIG BLACK DILDO” among other ELITE phrases. Someone asked who it was from and what it said. I replied that it was from LS and that it was wildly inappropriate. I didn’t mean that though. I loved it. Well done. Since you and your family are going to be getting me shit-house drunk tomorrow night, I will oblige your request for “The Best and Worst of Being Married”.

Once the honeymoon is over, the honeymoon is literally over. It’s just you and your bride/domestic partner from now until one of you dies or you get one of those cool divorces that many seem to love these days. Oh boy, “forever” is a really long fucking time. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME/YOU ABOUT THAT! I was lied to! I am by no means an expert on marriage but I am learning how to navigate through its almost constantly depressing shittiness. There are good days and there are bad but one thing will never change…you’re in this for the long haul. So, as you requested, here is just a small sample list of the Best and Worst things about marriage (pay attention, LS, regular Strut, Iceman, Seal, and Jeff because your days of reckoning are coming).

BEST: You got yourself a teammate – This is underrated. It’s kind of nice to have someone who is always looking out for your best interests. You don’t want a teammate like Vince Carter though who only cares about making himself look good.

WORST: Who you think you married is not who you actually married – I’m not necessarily saying that this is a bad thing. She$ and I never lived together until a week before the wedding. Actually, she spent quite a few years living with Dut and the Sauls. I was always told that she was a great roommate and always cleaning up and whatever. NOT TRUE. As I still remind her today, her roommate qualities are vastly OVERRATED. I am a way superior roommate. If you start a load of laundry then you are not allowed to fall asleep and assume that your spouse will fold that shit for you! THIS HAPPENS EVERY WEEK.

BEST: Congrats on your new vent – Get ready to hear daily and endless stories about what happened to her at work that day. I don’t have concrete numbers to back this up, but you will not care about 99% of these stories. These are almost always shared at the dinner table so thankfully you can stuff your face as she blabs. Eat as fast as you can because once you are done, you can leave and you definitely need to leave. However, if there is ever a time where you actually have something to get off your chest, having a wife around to listen to you bitch is pretty good. She will always say something condescending once you calm down, but it’s still better than yelling at nothing.

WORST: You will lose remote control battles – This has been discussed before. Right now, you do not know that Bravo and Lifetime and E! exist as networks. But you will. Oh yes, you will. The key is to find a few shows that you both like/tolerate. I fucking loathe Parenthood but I put up with it just because it allows me to tell her how awful it is every week. Did you know that The Voice is on 10 days per week for 6 hours at a time? I DO!!!

BEST: Somehow life gets cheaper – Being able to combine incomes is a huge thing especially when you are a tight ass like me. I wouldn’t consider myself cheap, per se, because I have no problem buying things. I just don’t like to. The last time that I bought clothing that wasn’t umpire-related or a t-shirt was 1984. Plus, owning property is WAY smarter than renting unless you live in New York which you do not.

WORST: You are NEVER alone – Every once in a while, you just mentally need some time to yourself. You don’t want to talk to anyone. You don’t want anyone to talk to you. That will not happen anymore. I’ve learned that the easiest way to be left alone is to turn on something that she has no interest in watching so she goes upstairs to drool over Adam Levine or whoever. Things that always work are professional wrestling, hockey, and Star Wars movies. She knows that I do this on purpose. I don’t care. If it ain’t broke…

BEST: You will become less disgusting – Have you ever went an entire weekend without showering? Ever worn the same underwear for a full week because you are too lazy to do the laundry? Fart whenever you want to or not turn the fan on in the shitter? Those days are over! And to be honest, that isn’t a bad thing.

WORST: You know how sometimes your family is annoying? You just gained another one! – We’ve been over this a ton already. They may be great in-laws, but they’re still going to demand your time and space at times that aren’t convenient. Take this for example: I’m supposed to move my parents’ old deep freezer out of their garage which I need my FIL’s truck to do. It is too big for us but we are in talks of giving it to the in-laws in exchange for their half-sized deep freezer. I am already trying to do the math to see if it will fit in one of our cars (it won’t). That means that now they have another excuse to come visit us. For delivery of a free freezer, I now have to waste a weekend. Tell me how that makes sense. Plus, I can’t go to Iceman’s bachelor party at The Bay because of a weekend at the miserable lake.

BEST: You just hired a cleaning lady and a cook – I am a pretty clean guy anyway and an excellent chef but it is always good to share duties with someone else.

WORST: Ummmm, feminine hygiene products in your bathroom – A sad reality.

BEST: You don’t have to date anymore – I can’t even imagine doing that. It has to be so awful. Where do you even meet decent non-whores anymore? Should I get a profile at Christian Mingle or that one site for Farmers? WHY NOT BOTH!

WORST: Small things will annoy the shit out of you – She$ trolls every night. She never pushes in her chair after dinner but always yells at the dog to get down from trying to eat crumbs off the table. She will get a glass or dish out of a cupboard and then not shut the cabinet door. She often falls asleep on the couch at like 8 pm and then gets pissed at me when I tell her to go to bed. She doesn’t hang up my office shirts right as they are always facing the wrong way. She does this on purpose because she gets great joy out of me overreacting (underreacting in my opinion). Your wives will do the same thing and you will die on the inside.

BONUS WORST: You’re going to have to come to grips – We all love football. It is the greatest. Watching it on TV or experiencing it live is quality time that no wife could ever replicate. However, your days of College Gameday AND tailgating AND watching at bars AND dicking with your fantasy lineup AND a full day of RedZone AND the DFL chat AND Sunday Night football are over. You have to pick. Most sane people will give you one day to watch football and the other to do shit around the house or (ugh) run errands with her. You must choose and choose wisely. For me, I’ll get all of my wife crap done on Saturday so that I don’t have to move on Sunday. I regret nothing.

There you go, LS and others, I hope that that helps or at least gave you a chortle. Unless you married a total cunt, marriage isn’t very hard. The worst part is getting used to wearing a stupid ring (as I’ve said many times). Good luck tomorrow and while I am bailing on the actual wedding, I will be fully prepared to make Biggest Strut regret paying for an open bar. I’ll see many of you there. Don’t forget to pay me, Dut. Prepare to be ICED!!!

38 comments:

Nate said...

Pretty good post.

I think a great follow up post to this would be what happens when you have a child (or worse, children).

There is really only one WORST when you reproduce:

Your life completely changes into one sole purpose and that is survival so you can feed and shelter another human being(s).

Ever stress about whether or not you have enough LIFE INSURANCE to take care of other people in the event you DIE?


Anonymous said...

I still can't believe G$ married someone who was once roommates with Dut. I mean....the dude had a gloryhole in his place recently. Thats like marrying a roommate of the Cleveland dungeon keeper.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

NAILED IT!

GMoney said...

Drew makes a good point. She$ just keeps racking up the horrible decisions. I wonder how many times he asked her if his groomed stubble was perfectly symmetrical. I bet that it was all the time.

Nate, your life sounds amazing! Fucking around with car seats and diapers has to be an incredible experience.

Another thing that pisses me off and she does it on purpose: loading the silverware into the dishwasher handle up so that any stray bits of cereal or vegetables and random gross stuff will get stuck to the fork tines or spoon. HANDLE DOWN/EATING PORTION UP, you monster! We have the same arguments (me flipping out/her laughing) every week. It's maddening.

Jeff said...

Oh the fucking voice. I feel your pain. Good god is that shit on tv ALL THE TIME! Anything on Bravo is waaay better than having to watch that shit.

GMoney said...

So I assume that you know who Andy Cohen is then (the cross-eyed queerbate)? Because he is one thing that The Voice is better than.

Jeff said...

You're right about Faggy Cohen. Any of those after show analysis or reunions with him moderating is where I draw the line. Those usually start about the time I go to take a 45 min shit.

Nate said...

"So then you asked yourselves, 'Isn't there something more to life?'"

"Yes, we did."

"Yeah, well let me clue you in on something... There isn't."

"There isn't?"

"Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, Jerry, marriage? Family? They're prisons! Man-made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning, she's there. You go to sleep at night, she's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. 'Is it alright if I use the bathroom now?!' And you can forget about watching TV while you're eating."

"I can?"

"Oh yeah. You know why? Because it's dinnertime, and you know what you do at dinner?"

"What?"

"You talk about your day. 'How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know, how about you, how was your day?'"

"Boy."

"It's sad, Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs."

"I'm glad we had this talk."

"Oh, you have no idea."

Daniel said...

I think the worst thing is the amount of your life you waste waiting for her. Whether it be getting ready before dinner or smelling all the shampoos at the grocery store, I'd estimate I probably lose close to three - four days a year waiting on something or another.

GMoney said...

Nate, anyone who hates Seinfeld should be ashamed of themselves after you just totally justified its greatness. Kramer really knocked it out of the park with his analysis on marriage.

Dan, the wife is always trying to get me to go to the store with her but I know what she's up to and I'm not falling for that. She can read labels by herself.

I'm not sure if I've told this story before but she was gone for the weekend awhile back and my only job was to do the grocery shopping. I got drunk watching playoff baseball and decided that it would be a good time to go. I was wandering around aimlessly for well over an hour trying to find bread crumbs (I didn't ask for help because I am a man). It was the best. They should have put out some free samples for me. I would have crushed that.

Anonymous said...

Awesome post - and congrats LS.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Verlander looked good again last night.

Seal

GMoney said...

Jut is the FOURF best starting pitcher on my fantasy team and proved it last night. He will never be a man like Kershaw, Matt Harvey, and Shelby Miller. Seriously, Jut is currently the fourth best pitcher on my team.

Anonymous said...

Atleast he got paid, right?

Seal

Jeff said...

I'll trade you Nick Swisher for Jut. I'll throw in Kevin Slowey to sweetin the deal also!

GMoney said...

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Thoughts on The Office finale last night? I liked it. I would have preferred Mose killing Andy and Ryan but whatever.

The Iceman said...

"Did you know that The Voice is on 10 days per week for 6 hours at a time? I DO!!!

Finally someone who gets it. I had this exact same thought the other day while eating dinner. WHY IS THIS FUCKING SHOW SO LONG?!?! Every day I get home from work is the exact same. The worst version of Groundhog Day. Judge Judy with The Voice on deck. 2 days ago after dinner was over I got up and without saying a word just walked out into the bedroom. I didn't even do anything. I just sat staring at the wall. Because that was a better option at the moment. And it never ends! I'm on the shitter at home currently and she's glued to the fuckin Maury Povich show out in the living room. There is nothing more difficult than being forced to deal with the awful TV habits of your spouse/soon to be spouse.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Slow Seal having the audacity to even question Verlander in mid May. I'm sorry your team doesn't spend money on ELITE players. Your team is just poor.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The only thing people are laughing at is your terrible Ace and his inability to get through the third inning last night.

Seal

Brady said...

I lucked out with my wife on the TV front. For one, she doesn't like those singing competition shows. She sticks with Castle (not bad) and any other crime drama that is on. Second, and most improtant, she watches everything past 9pm in bed leaving me and the 50" to our own devices virtually every night. Can't complain too much.

Verlander is killing me in fantasy but I'm loving it in real life.

The Iceman said...

Are the Wings down 0-2 yet? I can't wait until they are. Prime dominating Drew is the best.

I would have to say the most accurate part of G$'s best and worst today is taking on that second family. The first time I met Wheelz aunt she told me that someday I would be paying for her boob job.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ how stupid someone looks when they call a talent like Verlander "terrible" because of a couple games.

Iceman.....like how when Prime owned me when he tried to say the Wings weren't coming back from down 3-2 to the Ducks and I said they would? LOLZ!....that was some serious ownage!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Wheelz' aunt sounds like a real peach.

Did Prime say that? "Ducks trash talk" doesn't really seem like his forte.

If I know one thing about you, Cakes (and there is evidence to prove it), it is that you only watch TV while flanked by your dogs.

I'm not going to say that Jut sucks but he is gutter trash who needs to get his shit together. Even Rick Porcello (worst pitcher of the last decade) was laughing at him last night.

Anonymous said...

Yes, G$.....when the Blackhawks won their series I told Prime to prepare his butt, cuz the Wings were coming next. He then basically said that was a foolish thing to say while down 3-2.....like there was ever a doubt.

--Drew

GMoney said...

LS asks for a post and then doesn't comment. Classic Ohio Buckeye turd sucker move. I'm wiping boogers in his card tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Invaluable advice G$. I already have experienced the cleaning side of things. Mrs. LS comes from a long line of ELITE homemakers. A dirty house is simply unacceptable. She also does all my laundry, because she insists I do it wrong. She doesn't cook much, though, which is fine because I like to cook. However, if she tried regularly, she would be a good cook because of her domesticated heritage. Also, so far I have no qualms about my in laws. Her dad and I actually fish together quite often.

Nevertheless, I expect all in attendance tomorrow to have a great time. Bring your livers.

Lil strut

Brady said...

Congrats and all of that LS but make sure your wedding coordinator (slave) is up to snuff on your needs.

Nazareth Hall is known for two things. Court ordered DUI weekends and bacon wrapped shrimp. It's probably not even known for the latter but I've been to other functions there (NON DUI!!) and have always eaten dozens of those things. They are delicious and I assume comparable to a crack addiction.

Anyway, my wedding bitch asked me no less than 30 times if I needed or wanted anything. I told her that all I wanted was a plate of those fucking shrimp saved for me because I would be taking pictures when they were being served. I repeated this request everytime she asked me. JUST THE SHRIMP BITCH!

Obviously, you all can see where this is going. Not only did she not save me a plate of shrimp, she informed me that they had THROWN AWAY a whole platters worth right before I asked. It still haunts me to this day and nearly ruined the entire wedding for me. That little bitch had ONE job and couldn't get it done. I hope she's a truckstop whore now.

So, LS, make sure you lay down the law and get what you want. You're spending thousands of dollars for people to come and get drunk your dime. The least they can do is save you some bacon-wrapped shrimp.

GMoney said...

Cakes, for the first time ever, I feel sorry for you. You were robbed of your bacon skrimp!

Just give it time, LS. They may seem cool now but they will bother you in due time. You also leave yourself wide open for pop-in visits. That can't be good for the ticker.

Prime99 said...

Drew- you are the worst. I didn't care about the Ducks, that was getting under your skin and it obviously worked. You still have nothing to lose as your team is playing with house money. I get your game and it is awful.

I also have Trashlander on my fantasy team. Terrible draft pick.

Good post, G$. Fatherhood would certainly be a good follow up post as it brings additional pluses and minuses to the relationship table.

I get being traditional but it is virtually insane not living with your future spouse before getting married. Like this conversation I once had:

"Don't move in with your girlfriend- you might break up!"

"Yeah, that's the point. If we don't break up, we will see if marriage is right for us."

Seems easier to move out rather than get a divorce, so why not figure I out?

Mr. Ace said...

Worst: my wife cannot make a decision without my approval or input. Seriously. She asked me if she should put water outside for the dogs today. GIVE THOSE FUCKING MUTTS SOME WATER, LADY.

BEST: my wife is pretty awesome and has never stopped me from doing anything with friends. If LS rolls into Cbus and called me at 9pm to go have a beer, I can do it no problem.

Advice: don't give up your balls. Set ground rules on things you are not willing to give up and play nice about everything else. Random nice things help as well.

And booze. Lots of booze.

Mr. Ace said...

Worst: my wife cannot make a decision without my approval or input. Seriously. She asked me if she should put water outside for the dogs today. GIVE THOSE FUCKING MUTTS SOME WATER, LADY.

BEST: my wife is pretty awesome and has never stopped me from doing anything with friends. If LS rolls into Cbus and called me at 9pm to go have a beer, I can do it no problem.

Advice: don't give up your balls. Set ground rules on things you are not willing to give up and play nice about everything else. Random nice things help as well.

And booze. Lots of booze.

GMoney said...

One more time, please!!!

Nate said...

How is your wife seeking your approval at every corner a WORST?

The minute you have a wife that has a mind of her own is when you've got yourself a WORST.

GMoney said...

I get what he's saying. He doesn't want someone like Conrad the Contractor on Seinfeld who can't make any decisions for themselves. I'll tell ya, that show works on so many ELITE levels!

Anonymous said...

George likes his chicken spicy.

Brady said...

If you can't relate at least one thing every day to Seinfeld or the Simpsons, there is something wrong with you.

Anonymous said...

Everything is negotiable and everything has a price.

Know how the money is going to work or agree on how that's going to go quickly because that is, I believe, the top reason for divorces and for arguments.

Anonymous said...

Well Done Sir! This is absolutely the most poignant statement you've ever made! This is something I've been saying for 15+years.

Burke