Thursday, May 16, 2013

Welcome To Project Money Shot

^^^Horse's Ass^^^
Yesterday ended up being a pretty shitty day at work which greatly cut into my appropriated bloggin’ time. That makes me sad and ripe for Stan’s criticism. Just kidding—he only berates awful internet journalists. It’s going to be a pretty simple post today that should have opinions a-flowin’. Strap on your capri pants, Dwyane Wade, because today we’re going to discuss clothes. More importantly, the best and worst uniforms in sports!

Now, I don’t want to go down the path of team logos because that is a post for another day. I just want to focus on the helmet/cap to the shorts/pants/jorts(?). Who looks the best and who looks the worst—it’s not hard. There isn’t a list today, but it will be easy to follow along. Time to hit the runway:

MLB Best: St. Louis Cardinals – I’m not really sure why but I think that they look sharp.
MLB Worst: Miami Marlins – Latin flare is for flamboyant assholes.

NFL Best: Oakland Raiders – It’s about time that they win something other than the supplemental draft rights to Terrelle Pryor! Normally, I would say that the Redskins have the best unis in football (because they do) but I’ll not be a homer. At least not today even though our yellow pants are drop dead gorgeous!
NFL Worst: Tennessee Titans – These are the worst uniforms in the history of everything. Pug fugly.

NBA Best: Boston Celtics – I don’t like them. You don’t like them. But, Goddammit, if those green jerseys and shorts aren’t the best then I don’t know what is.
NBA Worst: Oklahoma City Thunder – Teal is a shit color. Way to look like the Marlins of the hardwood. Those are awful…no wonder they’re going to get knocked out (or maybe have been already).

NHL Best: Chicago Blackhawks in the West and Toronto Maple Leafs in the East – The Hawks remind me of the Skins and that is nice while Toronto is just simple and looks good to me even if their grammar is shitty.
NHL Worst: Anaheim Ducks in the West and Washington Capitals in the East – The Ducks unis make zero sense and have the imagination and creativity of an AIDS patient (not sure what that means). I watched every game of the Caps/Rangers series and they deserved to lose for wearing those hideous red abortions.

College Best: Florida State – Maroon and gold with a spear and little tomahawk stickers…that is ELITE. Those are the best uniforms in all of sport/life.
College Worst: LSU – I’ve always hated them. The helmets look like they were designed on MS Paint by a 4 year old. You’re worse than Holgate, Les.

And of course, you can’t talk about ugly things without mentioning grubby Steelers fans. They wear their deformities, abnormalities, and visible stink lines as a badge of honor yet no one understands why.

Blackhawks, Redskins, and Noles? Hmmmmm I might be a pretty big racist (/does Atlanta Braves tomahawk chop for ten minutes). Someone pass the Firewater because I’ve got some littering to do! You have to admit that for a mail-in post, this isn’t a horrible topic. See you homos tomorrow. Your time as a free man is getting shorter and shorter, LS, just like your dinger.

45 comments:

Grumpy said...

I hate to say it but Yankee pinstripes are right up there. Just classic.

Nate said...

MLB

Best - Yankees or Tigers (both have identical design, albeit the letter)

Worst - Devil Rays / Marlins - terrible colors and overdone design

NBA

Best - Celtics. Less is more.


Worst - Bobcats. On a side note - how awful is this name for a professional sports team? An over-used nickname for college and high school sports is worse than some intangible bullshits like "Superchargers" or "Supersonics".




NFL

Best - Packers.

Worst - Panthers.



College

Best - Navy. Simplicity


Worst - Oregon. Never knew Phil Knight's semen came in so many different designs.


Anonymous said...

Well, if Chicago was gonna steal one....it was gonna be Game 1.

Best Jerseys in sports are all of the Original Six.....all classics.

I've always thought the Jags and Panthers have shitty uniforms.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The Yankees and Tigers are almost identical? That's news to me. I actually prefer our road grays over the pinstripes.

Prime owns you and always will. Just wait until Kane and Toews wake up. And also wait for Jimmy Howard to wake up and realize that he is not Bob.

Jeff said...

MLB

Best - Blue Jays (#1 in all sports)

Worst - Chief Wahoo

NFL

Best - Chargers (powder blue)

Worst - Jaguars

NHL

Best - Blackhawks

Worst - Islanders

Ace said...

I am with Jeff. I have always liked the Jays uni's. The White Sox have great uniforms as well, and black people love their hat.

Chargers powder blues are top shelf. But the regular blue ones are ass. I also dislike the Eagles current jerseys very much, but the (Chip)Kelly green ones are just as good as Chargers powder blues.

Prime has been PWNing Drew lately. And everyone enjoys it.

Nate said...

I haven't watched MLB in a Negro's Age.

Last I remember, Detroit and NY still had pinstripes, with the letter logo on the right chest.

Grumpy said...

"And of course, you can’t talk about ugly things without mentioning grubby Steelers fans. They wear their deformities, abnormalities, and visible stink lines as a badge of honor yet no one understands why."

Why? Because we have bigger dicks than you. Ask Jeff.

Jeff said...

Simplicity is always better when it comes to jerseys.

I wish the CBJ would make their alternate jersey the regular one. Their usual jerseys are among the worst.

Jeff said...

Bigger dicks, but we're still catching up on the dunk your head in a bucket of piss game.

GMoney said...

The Tigers lack stripes and class and running water.

I actually really like the CBJ unis and don't really approve of the cannon ones.

I've said before that Toronto's retro all light blue unis are the best but they only bring them out on occasion. I really like how their numbers are designed. Very unique. Canada rules. I also do like the White Sox threadz and they were heavily considered for the top spot that STL earned.

The Iceman said...

Detroit in 5, right Drew? http://gifgarage.blogspot.com/2010/12/tom-cruise-laughs.html?m=1

I've always been a fan of old school jerseys. The jersey updates are never better than the uniforms they replace. I've always been a big fan of the padres old jerseys. Just brown and yellow and poop like. Those colors are ugly as shit but for some reason they always looked tits. And I agree with Nate...everyone blows their load over Oregon and their 30 billion uniform combos. It's dumb and they all look like shit. I'm also a big fan of the warriors NBA threads. Pretty tight. But not the stupid jersey tshirts. Laaaaaaaaame.

Jeff said...

At least the Jackets got rid of the neon green shoulder patch of stinger's mug.
Proud to say I own a jackets jersey that has those on it!

GMoney said...

The best retro jerseys are the rainbow Denver Nuggets, the 80's Denver Broncos, and the late 70's/early 80's Houston Astros. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Ace said...

I like most of Oregon's jerseys, especially any variation that involves the chrome helmets. Those things are dope, as the kids say. And they have definitely put Oregon on the map, so they have served their purpose either way.

I remember really liking the Shawn Kemp era Supersonics jerseys. Maybe it is just the nostalgia and unpaid child support speaking to me, though.

The Buccaneers jerseys are ass. Creamsicle or GTFO.

Nate said...

Although not a normal uniform, Notre Dame's green tops they used to bust out for big games were easy on the eyes.

Prime99 said...

Drew must live in a cult compound with Steve Yzerman. I hope they have kool-aid ready for the conclusion of the series.

G$, when you say Cardinals, are you talking home whites with the red hats, or away grays with the navy hats? I hate the Cardinals, but yes their uniforms are sharp.

I like the Orioles unis a lot in MLB. The A's throwback yellow jerseys are the worst.

The Blackhawks' jerseys are like their team- the best.

Anonymous said...

NFL
BEST: 49ers - They are classic, but with a slight modern flare

WORST: Titans - Just ugly

NBA
BEST: Celtics

Worst: Any uniform with the words "Los" in front of the team name for the Mexican appreciation nights.

MLB:
In my eyes, most are so similar and basic. However, the worst is definitely the Marlins.

College Football:

Best: I hate to say it, but Alabama's uniforms embody college football and its tradition. Notre Dame is a close second.

Worst: Michigan - I will admit that I am biased, but those winged helmets are just ugly and their maize pants look like the color of my urine after a night of drinking.

On another note, I am down to a matter of hours before my nuptials. I feel like I am walking the Green Mile. Maybe a post for tomorrow is the best/worst of being married.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

MLB

Best - Oakland A's. I was 5 years old and liked this team based on colors alone and they became my favorite team. Turns out they were good back then (go Conseco!) too, so it all worked out.

Runner up - Ballmore. Thoese new uni's are sick.

Worst - Marlins with a special shout out to the Expo's.

NBA

Best - Boston.

Worst - Bobcats with special mention of Bron era Cavs. Those jerseys were fucking ugly.

College

Best - North Carolina. Those basketball jerseys are the truf.

Worst - Maryland. How am I the first to mention this?!

Hockey

Best - Bruins. Shit is simple. I actually really like both of CBJ's too.

Worst - Phoenix. I really hate southwestern motifs. Reminds me of trailers and poor people (Native Americans).

NFL

Best - Sorry, I love the Browns. They really stand alone with those colors, and they have the BEST helmets in the league. Though the trowback (not mispelled) Chargers are ELITE.

Worst - Dolphins. Fags.

It's funny, I was thinking of a fashion post yesterday. I read a pretty neat article in GQ last week about how the new trend is girls not wearing bras, and the correct way to look at them. Then, last night I noticed 3 girls practicing this trend, one of them with a white shirt. I saw everything. GOD I HOPE THIS CATCHES ON.

Ide

GMoney said...

Home unis, Prime. Classy wear for the "classiest fans in sports".

I, too, like Oregon's many styles. I wonder if they even know what their actual original uniforms are anymore.

GMoney said...

No bras sounds like a winning concept to me.

The Browns have awful uniforms and helmets.

LS, a best and worst of marriage post? Whew, that would be quite an undertaking and if I said everything that I wanted to say and the post fell into the wrong hands, I may need a divorce lawyer. But with you, your BRAH, Ice, and Seal all getting hitched this year it might be a good idea to fill you in on what to expect when you're expecting your life to be over.

GMoney said...

Tomorrow's post is shaping up nicely. More people should request post topics (looking at you, Stan, you beautiful bastard).

Anonymous said...

Hilariously bad dates. That shit is ripe for comedy. Though another college week type post could be a good time. I could always use a laugh about someone wiping their face on a cum rag.

Ide

Ace said...

Story Time Tuesday should totes become a money shot staple. STAN WOULD AGREE!!! But for reals, every ass hole that comments here just submit some of your best life stories and then they can be posted once a week. If ur story sucks then G$ can edit it to make u look like more of a raging queer than u already are. One less post for G$ every week, we get to laugh at each other, profit.

I could probably update the banner as well, there have to be more deserving ass holes since the last time I did it. Have a post dedicated to voting on preselected terrible people.

Anonymous said...

LS's call out on the "Los" for NBA jersey's is great. I honestly get angry when teams wear those. This is the fucking United States assholes - we arent playing in Mexico!

I will just say the upper midwest as a whole has the worst jerseys... Mariners, Oregon anything, Seahawks, Trailblazers, even the old Supersonics.

I like this best and worst of getting married post idea...

Seal

Anonymous said...

**Upper West Coast

Brady said...

How can Chief Wahoo be the Worst, Jeff? Don't let your hate cloud judgement. The Indians home whites with the red/white/blue trim are sweet. They incorporate American colors with racism! That's what this country is all about right?

I too hate ND with the fire of a thousand suns but their blues with the gold helmets are pretty awesome. I feel dirty for saying that now.

I also think the SMU home uni's are pretty sweet. Nobody cares about them but they sure do look sharp!

Anonymous said...

And agree - no homer, the Indians home whites are fuckin sexy.

Seal

GMoney said...

Did you hear that? START WRITING POSTS ABOUT STUPID SHIT THAT YOU DID SO WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE TIME OFF!

How cute...Ape is trying to get back on the payroll. But yes, a new banner would be welcomed.

You're right about the Seahawks. Those things are shitty.

My favorite worst jerseys ever were the Grant Hill-era Pistons when there was a horse head on them for some reason. Those things were TERRIBLE.

Anonymous said...

The Cavs in the Shawn Kemp/Terrell Brandon era were gross too.

Seal

Prime99 said...

I also hate the "Los" NBA uniforms. Even Mexicans should think it is dumb because the teams don't use the Spanish mascot names. "Los Bulls" is just dumb Spanglish, not a tribute to the hard working gardeners of the world.

Anonymous said...

Later today I can cook up a few choice life stories. I have to go back and look at what I've already shared.

I do kinda wish we had that DFL draft night downtown on record. Who was the asshole who bought those faggot shots?

Ide

Ace said...

G$, I just want to go to another Monday Night RAW!!!

And you watch your mouth if you want a new banner. I have no qualms with creating a Dan Snyder montage.

They had Dwayne Wade's stylist on Mike & Mike this morning. No punchline needed.

The Iceman said...

StanGina approves of the plethora of comments at this point of the day. It's what REAL bloggers get from their audience.

I'm all for anything that keeps things fresh around here.

The Iceman said...

They were talking on the Tiki, Brandon, Dana show this morning about Wade and his wheel chair stunt. Instead of ripping on him for being such a fucking drama queen, they said the injury must have been super serial serious for him to require a wheel chair!! Because he's such a WARRIOR! LOLZ!!! How do people like that have radio shows?

Brady said...

Stop listening to that garbage, Ice. I tried listening to those fuckers the other day and had to switch it off within 5 minutes. They are awful and often make me uncomfortable with their akward silences. Tiki should be taken behind a barn and shot. Who thought he would be good on radio?

I also dig those Redskins home uni's. Don't read that last statement, G$. Don't need you any higher on your pedestal than you already are.

GMoney said...

Speaking of garbage AND wheelchairs, Elliot and Torg's morning show starts pretty soon! The fact that Torg got some disease that has left him pretty much paralyzed shouldn't make me laugh but here I am doing it anyway.

You liking my team's clothing isn't going to effect nearly as much as you might think/at all.

We're getting some positive feedback on guest post week (JSaul and Cakes(!) have confirmed). Thanks to all that have committed. Get fucked to all that ignore me.

Anonymous said...

Count me confirmed, I am almost done crafting my post. It's a beaut too Clark. So far, I'm at 1200 words and counting. And I even crammed in an Outside Providence reference.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide may be the worst person that you know but goddamn can he come through with a guest post literally IMMEDIATELY. I'm going to take great pride in sacrificing him to the zombies next Saturday. You are my Otis.

Ace said...

So who all actually signed up for the zombie run? I hope a bum with AIDS playing the role of zombie actually bites you.

Anonymous said...

I'm in for Zombie Run 2013, however my travel plans have drastically changed and I am working out the particulars now. I was to leave for Vegas on Sunday for the week then fly into Columbus, however my coworkers dad just died and he dropped out, so now I'm fucked. Of course, the convention is massive so the price of the trip was fastly approaching $2k SPLIT. It would be like 3.5 for me to roll solo, so fuck that.

Since I used multiple airlines to book this trip (Virgin Airlines or GTFO), I have been spending the better part of the day rearranging my plans and seeing what I can come up with. If anything I will have to take the Nip express bus for $100 round trip.

Ide

The Iceman said...

I'm in. My brother and buddy Luke will also be there. Then there's Ide and G$ to round out the group. If there are others I'm not aware. Cakes is out because he would pass out after 90 feet. Travel in packs, gents.

GMoney said...

Wow, running this race with Harangody will be intense. Any other Luke will not survive and it unwelcome.

GMoney said...

By the way, I'm seriously looking forward to the series final of The Office tonight. The last couple of episodes have been really solid.

Ace said...

I was going to do the zombie run, but then 1. I realized I hate running(I am totes in for a zombie bicycle run) 2. My mommy is having surgery that Friday so I gots responsibilities.

Please take video of the zombie run.