Thursday, May 30, 2013

Two Jerks Enter, One Jerk Stays

Ugh, much like Ide's pretend issues, I actually do suffer from face-crippling allergies.  This time of year is always especially brutal for your hero.  Between the constant sneezing and hourly whack sessions, I've went through almost an entire box of tissues already this week.  When you consider this and add the horrible reality of short work weeks stuffing five days of shit into four, well, this week can get fucked so hard.  Needless to say, I'm mailing this one.  Fortunately, we have the payoff of a commenter wager to get us through Thursday.

Game 7 was last night.  While I am working on this before the puck drops and thus will not be dropping dynamite insights, I expect the Blackhawks to finish off Team Scandinavia at home.  Whoever won the game though, there will be consequences.  In case you missed the afternoon comments yesterday, Prime and Drew have agreed to terms that the loser of the series will be allowed to catch a bunch of shit today but then they will be SHUT DOWN from commenting here for the next week.  Considering that both are stalwarts here, this is important!

So let's spend a portion of today wishing either Drew or Prime well during their seven day sabbatical from The Money Shot while I throw out a few other topics that may warrant discussion (but the focus should be on how big of a bitch the loser is).

*I regret to inform all of you that I totally forgot to apply for Big Brother this year.  The new season premieres in about a month and I can GUARANSHEED to all of you that I will not be on it.  That is very unlike me.  I really dropped the ball on this one.  I apologize.  You'll all just have to enjoy this season without seeing my beautiful face.

*Speaking of hockey, did Bob end up winning the cover for NHL '14?  It's about time that the CBJ win something.  God knows that we can't win the lottery.  Also Jackets-related, incredibly awesome radio play-by-play guy, George Matthews, has pretty much said that he is retiring from the job that he's had since the team came to town.  Matthews is seriously the BEST.  Who else would drop gems like "HOLY SMOKE-A-ROO WHAT A STOP!"

*The Memorial starts today.  I'm not going.  I was offered free passes to the Pro-Am through work yesterday but I turned them down.  If I can't breathe while sitting indoors, I'm sure that being out on a golf course wouldn't help much.  I'm breathing like an avid Steelers fan.  I assume that Tiger will win and Jack will reward him with a bucket of fried chicken.

*Are we supposed to be getting bombed by cicadas up here this summer?  I know that the east coast is getting invaded by these horrible creatures right now.  I still remember the last time that they were here and it was worse than a conversation with Cakes.

*We'll get into baseball more in the coming days and weeks but I just want to remind everyone that Tom Hamilton is the worst in the business.  If you don't believe me, go back and listen to his overreaction to Aroldis Chapman going high and tight on Swishalicious on Monday.  The guy is a menace and someone needs to rip out his voice box.  He is worse than Rod Allen.  Yeah, I said it.

That will do it for me today.  If you don't like it just let me know and I'll drop by your house and sneeze in your face.  I'm running low on tissues anyway.  So let's all wish last night's big loser well before the ride off the sunset as the piss-pants losers that they are.  Please be Drew.  Please be Drew.  Please be Drew.


Mr. Ace said...

Twitter was glorious last night. Of course Drew never showed for his comeuppance.

I, too, suffer from the terrorist attack that is allergies. It is fun.

Spurs, bitches.

Anonymous said...

Here I am for my one post before 7 days off.

Congrats to Prime and his teams upset of the Red Wings. Never easy to knock out the GOAT American Hockey Franchise.

It's a little sad the Wings are moving to the East now.......would enjoy more of Zetterberg.shitting down Toews mouf.

Primes whining about the goal being taken away was very Cakes-like tho. You mean goals get taken away/given in playoff hockey? It's like he's never watched before. Commenter Daniel should slap him and show him some history.

But, congrats are still in order. I have no regrets over being the brains/balls behind this blog bet.

Just don't have a porn discussion over the next week....anything but that.


Grumpy said...

A week without Drew is like a month without jerking off.

If you missed Prime and Iceman destroying some redneck from Mississippi on Twitter you need to go look it up. They were transcendent.

GMoney said...

Are you done for today then? I thought that you could comment all day to defend yourself from terrorist attacks?

GO HOME WINGS. GO AWAY DREW. That being said, game 7 was incredible. That was a really enjoyable three hours.

I was pissed about that call late in the third but Melrose agreed with it while Milbury hated it and Milbury is a fucking tool so GOOD CALL.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Doc Emrick is the GOAT play by play man. MIAMI MAN!

For whatever reason, I really loathe Damian Brunner. I just want to punch him so hard. And Johnny Oduya was absolutely brutal last night. He really let down Joel Quenneville's ELITE lip hair.

Drew, no porn post is in the works although I did watch the 2013 AVN Awards last weekend (thanks for putting that on again, Showtime!). It wasn't that great. Asa Akira won all the big awards and James Deen was male performer of the year and was an ass about it. Jesse Jane went into the Hall of Fuck or whatever they call it.


Jeff said...

Later wings!

George Matthews and Don Emirck would be one helluva duo.

There's still nothing that beats OT Game 7s. FACT!

Tom Hamilton is the fucking worst. Call the game you fucking clown and quit acting like you're on the team. Tim McCarver would be Vin Scully in a booth next to Hamilton.

Anonymous said...

I actually hopped on twitter last night to chide Drew, good stuff.

Who is up for a week long discussion of Buckeye recruiting?


Anonymous said...

The reason Tribe fans love Tom Hamilton so much is that he reacts like us fans would react. If the team is playing like shit, he will will call them out and tell it like it is. He is not an unabashed homer (Rod Allen). When they are rolling, he gets as excited as we do. And when some punk ass pitcher buzzes two 100 mph fastballs in row at the head one our leaders, he gets as pissed as all Indians fans would. He is the best.


GMoney said...

It's just going to be five days of me saying mean things about Miguel Cabrera Is A Fat Drunk. It will truly be Pulitzer Prize worthy stuff.

Seabrook just scored again.

I hate to say it but the Kings are going to beat the Hawks (in 6). And Boston is going to ride BOSTONSTRONG all the way to the Cup.

It's pretty cool that the final four teams are the last four Cup winners. You don't always need parity unless it helps the CBJ of course.

GMoney said...

But he isn't a fan! He is getting paid to call the game not act like Randy Quaid in the bleachers of Major League 2.

He's no better than Ron Santo/Hawk Harrelson and EVERYONE hated/hates Ron Santo/Hawk Harrelson.

Jeff said...


Ace said...

Hawk is the one and only GOAT.

Ide is stealing my twitter idea of nothing but Fuckeye recruiting talk for the next week. YOU BETTER FUCKING RETWEET THAT SHIT NEXT TIME!

Mermaids are real...again.

Sounds like the cicadas are coming. It is like Jeepers Creepers all over again. Those things are not from this planet.

Anonymous said...

Hawk is in another stratosphere.

Tommy rips the Indians when they are playing like shit. Something most announcers never do. That's what makes him great.


Nate said...

Off topic, but one of the best news stories I've heard in a while.

To sum:

-Guy is driving drunk while having sex

-Guy crashes his vehicle and woman is ejected out of vehicle onto road naked.

-Guy tries to drive away from scene but witness takes keys away

-Guy runs off to hide from the police behind a cactus.

Anonymous said...

Ace - I couldn't remember who said it to give them credit. However, since I said it here first, I will take full credit for those non twitter folk.

I am actually starting to come around on this whole twitter thing since it can be used for ELITE up to the minute trolling. I will probably only use it to troll the fuck out of you losers when it comes to your sports failings.

#predictionsdrewmade had to have been trending last night.


Jeff said...

Best Announcer: Fake Jeff Brantley by Common Man

Prime99 said...

Blackhawks win 3-1 in OT! You mean a ref can make a bad call and I'm not allowed to mention it? Come on, you would've shit your pants if that happened to the Wings, though you may have shit your pants anyway?

#predictionsdrewmade was indeed an ELITE hash tag and it got even better once it combined into trolling Marshall Henderson. Ide's "Harf Harf" tweet was very LOLZ.

GMoney said...

Fake Jeff Brantley is a great character indeed.

Nate, I thought that I read that the guy was trying to hide INSIDE of a cactus but that wouldn't make much sense. Then again, never underestimate a Mexican scofflaw.

So we're definitely getting cicada'd? LAME.

Mermaids are real--I have no idea why this sentence was included. Ape must have an Ariel fetish.

Anonymous said...

You are going to get the tail end of the cicadas. New England (not NYC, haha) gets the brunt of the infestation. Do a quick youtube on brood 2 2013. Shits cray cray.


Anonymous said...

I don't know what a cicada is and since I don't remember them from a few years ago, I don't care.

Tom Hamilton is awful because he acts like its the World Series every at bat. When swisher hit the ball against chapman, you would have thought it was a no doubt home run. "SWISHER HITS A LOOOONNNNGGG DRIVE... AND IT'S CAUGHT BY THE LEFT FIELDER BEFORE THE WARNING TRACK!!!" I guess windian fans need that to stay tuned in because their team is rotten every year. I suppose Hamilton is better than your TV guy that sits next to Rick manning. He is a whiney homer. Being a homer is fine (hawk is ELITE).. Whiney homers are the worst.

Prime posted 50 things about the call last night. You got your point across the first time. Stop whining.


Prime99 said...

Dut is cute defending is Ohio butt-buddy. Let Drew stroke your stubble to help him ease his disappointment.

To be clear, I'm not mad they disallowed the goal once the whistle was blown, just that the whistle should not have been blown while a play was developing. All good though. Great teams can recover and win the game anyway, OBVS.

GMoney said...

You will care, Dutford. They are worse than (you+Tom Hamilton) times you.

Dropping of baby into toilet was
an accident, Chinese police say

Two things about this hilarious headline:
1. What is Prime doing in China?
2. Prime is an awesome dad.

Ace said...

I got sucked into watching the Mermaid special on Animal Planet. It was an update from the one they did last year that still has people believing that Aquatic Ape Theory is a real thing. It was fantastic. It was like a SyFy movie, but presented as fact because it's on Animal Planet. Scoonie Penn tweeted about it two days ago. I responded by making fun of his Fuckeye education.

Dut, the cicada hoard only busts out every 17 years, so you probably wouldn't remember them from a few years ago.

I am going to merk some kids in tennis today after school. I will get video of their tears.

The Iceman said...

#predictionsdrewmade was wildly entertaining last night. I tried getting Cakes involved with a douchy weather tweet but he was probably too busy getting drunk with the dogs to notice.

Drew did exactly what we thought he would do last night after the loss. he always does. So we made fun of him anyway.

Ripping on Tom Hamilton is like insulting a member of an Indians fan's family. I've never heard him (on purpose) but if Cakes and Damman swear by him then he must be terrible.

GMoney said...

OK, I'm not defending Drew here but I don't get the argument about him vanishing once the shit goes down. What is he supposed to do? Should he come on Twitter and say "HEY GUYS, I'M GAY NOW TELL ME HOW GAY I AM FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS WHILE I SHOWER IN CAT PISS".

Of course, he goes away. Slinking back into the shadows is what any normal person does when they lose/are proven incompetent in the field of sports predictions. You let the others have their fun at your expense and come out again when things have died down. It's like Ron's advice to Brick, "you may want to lay low for awhile".


Prime99 said...

Wait- you're saying Chinese toilets are not ideal for baby bath time? Until you are a father, G$, you will never understand the pure joy a baby boy feels when dropped into a Chinese toilet. Baby girls? They would be drowned. Hey, it's China- I don't make the rules over there.

The Iceman said...

When you're as loud and obnoxious as Drew is when it comes to EVERYTHING, you lose all right you have to slink back into the shadows undetected when your team blows a 3-1 lead. Stick around and take it like a man because you didn't have any issue dishing it out like a man.

We certainly wouldn't be cutting Cakes any slack in a situation like this, as we shouldn't. So why should Drew be any different since they reside in the same category of sports fan? The WORST category. In any other situation with rational sport fans...I agree with you.

Prime99 said...

Ide's last tweet was fantastic!

"@JacobIde: #predictionsdrewmade @TheIceman15 Will finish the zombie race as a survivor."

The Iceman said...

I'm shocked Ide was able to send that tweet with all that VICIOUS pollen in the air. The silent killer.

Ide said...

No pollen in NYC. No trees. That's why it hit me like a brick last week.

Fuck Central Park.


Anonymous said...

ELITE trolling by Gordon Gee. Ripping on Notre Dame then calling Louisville and Kentucky a bunch of academic cheaters (READ: retards). He must've read this blog yesterday.


GMoney said...

I don't have Drew and Cakes in the same category of fan-dom. Drew hibernates out of embarrassment. Cakes doesn't show up because he has a hefty schedule of pet rabbit quinceneras to attend.

Count it.

And just because I don't want to stop talking about game 7 yet, how the fuck was that called a matching roughing penalty? How was the Blackhawk roughing as he was pie-faced to the ice? I don't have a problem blowing the whistle there but punishing both teams for it was tarded.

Jeff said...

The only possible "correct" call there for matching minors would've been tripping on the hawks and roughing on the wings.

Prime99 said...

It's like you have never watched the game before, G$. Referees are always right in hockey.

That comment was in honor of Drew.

The Iceman said...

One of those southern fried faggots on Twitter just called me mentally retarted...with a T. I love the south. They can't even insult people correctly.

GMoney said...

I'm kind of liking that TMS is taking on Ole Miss Nation or whatever. Start telling them that blacks are better than whites!

Prime99 said...

Twitter is a goddamn adventure every day! You never know what peckerwoods will crawl out of their hole and challenge you.

TMS account is actively bargaining for peace. You should speak to your representative, G$...

Ace said...

My trolling is just more passive-aggressive. You guys hurl obvious insults, while mine slowly get through their defenses and eat them from the inside.

Anonymous said...

I joined the fight. I could use some new targets to go up against.


GMoney said...

You must defend my honor. By that I mean to make me/this site look as bad as possible. Remember, most of these guys have been Eli Manning fans for over a decade now so it's going to be tough to out-"retart" them.