Friday, May 03, 2013

This Post Was Getting Tough so I Got Ejected Instead of Finishing It

I only applaud good team DEPF.
Don’t give a fuck—I’m talking about the storylines surrounding the NBA playoffs today. Don’t worry, we’re pretty much just going to laugh at people for being stupid. Let’s just get to the bullet-points while you wait for me to get into Mark Jackson-speak mode. It has been one of my STREMPHS since BIRF.

*Is it just me or is every decent player getting hurt? – Kobe. Rondo. Rose. Westbrook. Blake Griffin. Chris Paul. Kirk Hinrich LOL. Gallinari. David Lee. That is a whole shitload of star power that isn’t playing or is very limited in the postseason so far. I guess what I’m saying here is that these guys are all bitches who make soccer players look like Rambo. J/K…soccer players are the biggest pussies forever.

*Speaking of Westbrook, OKC isn’t much without him – The Thunder are in trouble. Oh sure, they’ll be able to knock out the Rockets but I don’t have much faith that they can get by the Grizzlies or Clippers without their stud PG. I had no idea that Reggie Jackson was a basketball player. I just thought that he was a big BASEketball fan still on the hunt for his third home run ball from the World Series. And if you still subject yourself to Simmons’ articles, be prepared to keep hearing about how right he is that OKC should have never traded Harden. I’m sure that that won’t be annoying at all because everyone knows how he should be a GM. After all, his trade value column came three months late this year and still isn’t fully done yet. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

*It takes a lot for me to root for the Celtics – Here I am—doing it though. It’s not that I’m rooting for noted queer hater KG and Jelly Tits but I am rooting against the Knicks. In what will hopefully go down as the worst pre-emptive troll job of all time, the Knicks all arrived at the arena before game 5 wearing black suits as they were “attending the Celtics funeral”. Oh come on! You can’t do that shit. Who’s idea was this? It was Carmelo’s, wasn’t it? He’s the type of loser dipshit to think that was funny/a good idea. I can’t support this shit. I hope that they fail miserably because fuck the Knicks.  The way I see it is that when in doubt, root for the team who has the player that tells Melo "my boy fucked your wife".  Because even though a man that I hated at Xavier said that regarding KG, it is still LOLZ.

*Leave the guarantees to Namath and Sheed – Along the same lines, Brandon Jennings probably should have shut his mouf when he guaranteed the Bucks in 6 over the Heat. That was not smart. I haven’t seen dumb ploys like this since The U showed up to the national championship game in the late 80’s wearing camouflage and declaring that they were going to war only to get beaten by a child rapist.

*Whoever pays Dwight Howard this offseason is dumb – When the going gets tough, the tough quit. That’s such a chicken shit move to get tossed intentionally from your team’s final playoff game because the result was never in doubt. Howard is such a little bitch. He’s a grown man with the mind and demeanor of a 6 year old. The Lakers are going to end up giving him 100 million dollars this summer and they will never compete for a title until he’s gone for good. Who would have ever thought that the winner of that big four way blockbuster would have been Orlando. Tobias Harris and Vucevic look like studs and they got picks and cap relief (I guess that they got Harris for JJ Redick but whatever).

*Mark Jackson has Alzheimer’s – It’s funny to me that Jackson was one of the more physical guards in league history but has no problem whining about the Nuggets bumping Stephen Curry all over the floor in order to get him out of rhythm. If anything, I would think that The Man Lacking LEMPH would applaud that instead of cry about it. First of all, Curry is awesome and I hope that his ankles don’t ruin him. Second, Mark Jackson still has no idea how to speak correctly and I love him for it. Third, this is literally what playoff basketball is all about. Your opponent has a guy who is hot? No problem—just knock him on his ass a few times. When people whine that basketball isn’t what it used to be well THIS IS WHAT IT USED TO BE!!!

Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that this is all pointless. Go figure that the only team that isn’t being crushed by injury or old age right now is Miami. We are staring an awful to watch San Antonio/Miami Finals right in the face and you all know it. This is going to suck. At least it will be fun to watch Duncan abuse The Boshtrich for a few weeks. Whatever, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are more fun to watch. GO CAPS, BLUES, AND DUCKS! See you Monday.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't care if it was a ploy or not, but David Lee coming out and playing with a torn hip flexor is ELITE. That's just playoff basketball. Those LOLakers can learn a few things.

Remember that SI story last week about Durant pussy whining about being second? Hahahaha.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Stern has to get Curry traded to an East coast team so that people can see him.

Mr. Ace said...

I fucking love Steph Curry with or without that squirrel on his chin.

If the trip was intentional then thats fucking bullshit. As someone who also has tissue paper for ankles and a wet jumper, I would be fucking pissed if somebody went after my ankles on purpose. Rough somebody up and knock them down? Sure. But you don't go after people's joints.

Playoff basketball is tits.

Spurs will beat the Heat. Pop will abuse coach Spo and Tony Parker will be mvp.

Anonymous said...

Red Wings! Home ice rulez...G$ drools.

How about Royce White...the guy who missed an entire season with anxiety, tweeting at KD that he looked "shaken".

Drummond already has time set up to work with The Dream over the summer. LOLZ at him falling in the draft due to work ethic concerns.

Phil Jackson is currently basically running the Pistons coach search.....ummm OK?

--Drew

GMoney said...

Royce White is probably in the top 5 of least favorite athletes. What a gash.

Working out in the future with Olajuwon doesn't really justify his greatness. I would think that the last thing that you would want is that guy doing the dream shake and taking fadeaway 15 footers considering he can't hit the rim/backboard on free throws.

Sorry, Phil Jackson, but Mike Brown has already been taken!

I love that Golden State crowd. Just bananas and dressed like them, too.

Hey everyone...MAH BOY FUCKED YO WIFE!!!

The Wings aren't going to win the Cup so I don't care what they do. Just as long as the Rangers and Kings lose in the first round.

Jeff said...

You should have let Ace write a Derby preview.

Steph Curry can have a pass this time for knocking the great Kosta Koufus out.

Nobody is beating the Heat, fuck the knickerbockers.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Drew talking about a player on the Pistons as if that team will ever be relevant again...

How about the play that Westbrook was injured on? I thought it was slightly a shitty play on Beverly's end - just walk to the bench asshole, you know the guy is calling a timeout. And for the record, I am not a Westbrook fan.

Seal

GMoney said...

Oh God, I forgot about Ace's thirst for horse cock. Maybe he'll pop back in to give some pony advice.

Yes, it is truly a shame that KoKo is no more and will stop owning Iceman doppleganger Andrew Bogut.

I like guys who go for the steal when the PG is nonchalantly dribbling up for a timeout. I'm not sure why since it is TOTES a Craft play, but I appreciate the gesture.

I hope that San Antonio is ready for all the STREMPH and LEMPH that they can handle.

Anonymous said...

And anyone that roots for Kevin Garnett is a terrible fucking person. He is worse than the N word.

Seal

The Iceman said...

Ace can't objectively talk about the Spurs. Remember the OKC series from last year as he blurts out fragments about the Spurs bearing the Heat in the finals this year. Never forgot how big of a homer Ace is.

Prime99 said...

The Bulls just may not be able to overcome all the injuries and Nate Robinson's awful shot selection. We will see, but at least Rose might be able to get his beauty rest in peace if the Bulls lose.

The Warriors are damn fun to watch. Grumpy can shut his pie hole with his East Coast bias. Curry will be just fine out West in his skintight sleeved jersey.

GMoney said...

I'm not rooting for Garnett. I'm rooting against Carmelo. I would prefer both teams losing and since both will get their shit kicked by Indiana next round, I'll get my wish soon enough.

That funeral garbage is just horrible though. Kidd and Chandler are supposed to be leaders and they let that shit happen? Kidd was probably too busy blackening some woman's eye for her. He defines chivalry.

GMoney said...

By the way, that hit that the Senators guy laid on the Montreal guy last night was ELITE.

Anonymous said...

I liked Woodson basically calling out his players for being fucking idiots with the funeral stuff. they must all be scared of KenYon.

Red Wings are winning the Cup. Once the playoffs start we are the favorites every year....it's science.
Although it was not cool to lose Dekeyser for the year last night. That Western Michigan Bronco is SICK. Kid is going to be ELITE for years....huge signing in April...evident why the whole league wanted him.

--Drew

GMoney said...

LOL DUMB. They may beat the Ducks because Bruce Boudreau is hilariously terrible but they can't compete with the Blackhawks and you know that. If we don't get CHI/PIT for the Cup, I would like to see the Caps or Blues there. Long live Hitch! Best double chin in sports history!

Jeff said...

Hockey "crack backs" are ELITE! So was that guy's blood flow, must have been a "heavy day".

Pens/Hawks is def the series everyone wants. I would agree that I wouldn't mind seeing Ovie get a cup especially since this will be last chance with the CBJ in his conference next year.

Anonymous said...

Too bad Ovie has that absurd contract and will likely be stuck as a Capital the rest of his life. Sucks, brah. Should have taken that trade bait with CBJ years ago when it was on the table.

Today, I will have an ELITE lunch of steak and napkins. Napkins are vegetables, after all, they are made from plants.

Ide

Jeff said...

3 first rounders for Ovie!!!!

Anonymous said...

Seal - Westbrook has and will continue to do the same thing. Nothing dirty there. Your team is down 1 point in the playoffs, how does he KNOW he will call a timeout. There are people in the NBA who pull that shit all the time and then drive the lane. I say don't pussy your way up the court if you don't want to get hurt.

Did anyone see that Mexican boxers dad stand up there for 10 minutes and call Maywether a woman beater over and over? That was some elite trolling right there.

I decline the book keeping position for the blog show. Nate can have it. I'll be head of PR, god knows you'll need someone to write those terrible fake apology letters every week.

- J Saul

Grumpy said...

"The Warriors are damn fun to watch. Grumpy can shut his pie hole with his East Coast bias. Curry will be just fine out West in his skintight sleeved jersey."

Not enough sleep Prime? No East Coast bias; I just want Curry to play before 1:00 a.m.

GMoney said...

JSaul, makes a great point. He's going to be very busy issuing public apologies following every Dan/Ide segment.

That Guerrero guy is being strongly considered for Money Shot Man of the Year with that 100% correct tirade. Great stuff there.

I am very intrigued by Son of Swanson (he ain't having a girl). It has to be Ron Jr or Robert Montgomery Swanson or maybe Charles Mulligan Swanson. Those are the only options.

Macklin, you son of a bitch...Bert Macklin FBI will always be the greatest fake character on TV.

Anonymous said...

Every segment will require no less than a team of lawyers and the ACLU to stand vigilantly by us. I also predict that we would be a youtube sensation and do for television what Howard Stern did for radio. But, I'm trying to stay grounded.

We TOTES should have swapped 3 first rounders for Ovie. Our last 6 were just trade bait anyways.

Ide

Nate said...

J Saul, are you enroute?

Brady said...

I've made it this far without watching one second of the NBA playoffs. I hope to make it the entire time this year.

It may be harder than I thought though. From what I've seen on Sportscenter, the Knicks/Celtics series may be worth a look. You know, with the fighting, thug life, fucking wives and whatnot.

I was a little dissapointed with the season finale last night. I will always love Parks and Rec but I didn't LOL as much as I usually do.

GMoney said...

I would guess that Ovi has a no trade clause. Thinking that Scott Howson could have pulled off such a move is major LULZ. Although to be fair, Howson isn't nearly as shitty as people think. He did trade for Bob.

GMoney said...

LS's bachelor party this weekend, correct? Bring a lot of lube.

Prime99 said...

Grumpy, if he played at 8pm Eastern, you'd still be in bed asleep.

GMoney said...

Prime makes a good point. You're old and decrepit. You will play the role of a Grampa Simpson-type on Worst Cake where you just tell random stories that serve no purpose and lack a point. Like when you were wearing an onion on your belt which was the style at the time.

Anonymous said...

Worst Cake is a great name. Someone get a kickstarter account going asap. This show can't fail. Just keep Cakes and his tinted eyewear off camera.

A DFL live on air draft would crush ratings and glory hole records!

Ide

Anonymous said...

Look up "cake farts" on the internet....just do it.

--Drew

Jeff said...

"to be a true cake fart the asshole must come in contact with the frosting"

PICTURESQUE!!!

Prime99 said...

It is sad that I would watch televised coverage of the DFL draft.

GMoney said...

The Fleshlight is our Stanley Cup.

Prime99 said...

Can it only be handled while wearing white gloves?!

Anonymous said...

The DFL draft will be a live draft this year, no? Last year was an abomination. I wasn't there for the gloryhole and I missed Ape's yearly underaged bukkake viewings.

Ide