Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The NFL Unemployment Line


/fart noise



I know this is going to shock the fucking shorts off you but Stan the Mangina never emailed me a post idea like I requested last week.  I guess it's easier to be a cunt in the comment section about how much a post sucks than to actually come up with a useful idea.  Back to cranking your pole with handfuls of your own feces, StanGina.

We'll stick with the football theme today, shit birds.  With the NFL season nipping at our pubic hairs (about 3 months away) there are a handful of big name free agents yet to land a team.  Some can still play...some need to be dragged out to the woods to be shot.  Let's take today to explore the best options for the guys with juice left and where they will end up.

Michael Turner - I'm sure Turner has spent the majority of the off season hip checking kids slowing down the buffet line at CiCi's.  Never get between a chubber and a 24 foot pizza buffet line.  Even though Turner probably swims with a t-shirt on, he's still got some Bavarian cream left in the tank and can be a serviceable goal line back for some teams out there.

Where he lands:  Dallas.  Because Jerruh loves "names" and Dallas' backfield is pussy farts.

Ahmad Bradshaw - It's too bad Bradshaw's feet are made of wet paper and soiled kitty litter.  Because if this guy could ever hold up for a full season he would be a fucking stud.  But this is reality and the IR is warming up a spot for this black dude with a Muslim name.  He's best used in a time share and even then there's no guarantee he'll make it for 16.

Where he lands: Miami.  Because if your starting RB is named "Lamar" you need all the help you can get.

Chris Wells - Speaking of pussies.  The best part about Chris is how he's been a complete bitch his entire life.  He's the bully at school who appears super menacing until someone spills the beans that he still wets the bed if he drinks anything after 8PM.  And that he still wears footie pajamas to bed.  He's going to get another shot because he's still young and for whatever reason people still buy into his bullshit.

Where he lands: As a Tampax sales rep.  LOLZ.  But for real...maybe St. Louis.  They don't have much at RB since Steven Jackson was shown the door.

Brandon Lloyd - I'm honestly shocked Lloyd has generated almost zero buzz on the FA market.  He's the best available FA out there and is TOTES better than average.  If he can get almost 1,000 yards in New England where they spread it around like Drew does at a Red Wings themed gay bar, then you know he's got skill.  Lloyd doesn't quite have number 1 chops but I think he would be a top 5 number 2 and a steal at this point.

Where he lands:  NY Jets.  Because it's the only team interested.  But he should go to Washington to improve their ass receiving corps.

Titus Young - Just kidding.

Where he lands: Jail.  He's going to be in jail.  And he's horse pies.  Always has been.

Dwight Freeney - This is another guy I'm stunned hasn't signed yet.  I think Freeney is still one of the best at his position and just knows how to get to the QB.  Whatever team signs Freeney is going to be happy they did.  Dude's got a lot left.

Where he lands: Denver.  Because he misses the smell of Peyton Manning's crotch sweat.

Brian Urlacher - For some reason I love how the Bears just dragged Urlacher out to the curb with the rest of the trash.  Despite his hilarious Old Spice commercials, Big Bry always came off as a grade A cock sucker to me.  Prime disagrees, I'm sure.  The best was how he acted "insulted" by the Bears 1 year 2 million dollar offer.  Sorry, dick breath.  Thirty five year old linebackers with catcher's knees don't get to negotiate.  Even though he played hurt last year, Urlacher just looked like he was done.

Where he lands: Minnesota.  Because the Vikings love trolling the fuck out of the NFC Norf.

Charles Woodson - Woodson's problem has always been health.  The guy can still play at 36 and still broke Ace's cousin's neck in high school.  If Chuck does nothing but drink whole milk directly from a cow's teet all off season then maybe he has a chance to play a full season.  He's been forced into a safety roll these past few seasons because he's lost a step.  But he can still beat Cakes in the 40 by 2 full seconds and would be a nice veteran to have in situational downs who brings great leadership qualities.  But yes...he unfortunately is a swollen pussy.

Where he lands: I'm still saying New England even though the market has been bone dry for Chuck.  The Pats usually take a stab at guys like this.

That's all for me, gents.  Let's see if this post lives up to the LOFTY expectations The Biggest StanGina has for this Pulitzer winning free Internet blog run by guys with full time jobs.  Jobs that aren't journalism related.  Feel free to discuss players I didn't mention as there are a shit load of popular names floating on the FA market right now.  And as always...don't forget to LOLZ at will at Titus Young's 3rd arrest in one full week.  Nice life.

46 comments:

Grumpy said...

Go to YouTube and watch Jerome Bettis truck Urlacher at the goal line. Urlacher in his prime. Get it? Prime. Hilarious.

Max Starks started all 16 last year at left tackle, but the Steelers are going with the kids. For some reason teams aren't after him. He should play somewhere.

The Iceman said...

Teams aren't after Starks because they want their QB to live. If memory serves me...and it usually does...Shitsburgh has been trying to find a way to get rid of Starks for awhile now.

GMoney said...

WHERE ARE THE BULLET POINTS! I MISS THEM!

Michael Turner is done. Chris Wells should be converted to glue any day now.

Brandon Lloyd will never ever go back to Warrrrrrrshington because they already tried that once and it got really ugly when they cut him. He talked a lot of shit on his way out the door and he was ass for us. Our receivers aren't that bad considering that we're a run-first team. They will be much much better if Freddy D's achilles is back to normal. Plus, with our cap constraints, it's hard for us to sign anyone this year. And that was a total bullshit ruling because Giants president John Mara is a StanGina.

The Indians scored 1 run in 18 innings yesterday off of David Phelps, Boone Logan, Preston Claiborne, Vidal Nuno, and Adam Warren. WINDIANS!!!

So long Bulls. So long Thunder. So long DAMMIT WILL SOMEONE KNOCK OUT THE KINGS AND RANGERS ALREADY!!!

Grumpy said...

Iceman, you're just wrong about Starks. Every year they try to replace him and end up calling him back because he does the job better than his supposed replacements.

He is a solid LT, not a Pro Bowler, but very solid. This year they have decided to sink or swim with Adams or Gilbert and I think either one could get Ben killed.

Jeff said...

Game 7 overtime hockey is as good as it gets in sports.

Urlacher is done. He couldn't even cover FBs out of the backfield anymore.

With the young o-line and no wallace, the days of the 7 step drop back are history. Quick hits all day with this receiving corp.

GMoney said...

Titus Young's life choices are currently the best thing in the world.

Ice, not sure if you saw it but I have to bail on your bachelor party weekend. I was told that that is the weekend when I have to make the always horrendous pilgrimage to the in-laws cottage up in MI. Believe me when I say that I would rather sleep with ten BradyCakes clones over staring at a body of water for 48 hours.

The Iceman said...

Starks is ass, Grumpy. Isn't Raper like the number one most sacked QB in the last 5 years? I know some of that is because he runs around the backfield like a dildo and holds onto the football like it IS a dildo. But a lot of that also falls on his rotten ass LT that can't protect him. At this point I think I would rather have Brad Flowers protecting the blind side. ELITE Napoleon reference.

That's too bad, G$. I'm sure there will be plenty of Prime's favorite liquor there...Rumplemintz. I'll just make the bachelor party my Tuesday post so everyone can read about what they missed and also how many dudes Cakes tried feeling up. Hopefully StanGina is okay with that.

Prime99 said...

The Bears have a history of rolling with guys too long (usually by one year at least) so I'm glad that see that they are drawing hard lines. Though, if anyone deserved a little tact in negotiating, it's the Jenny McCarthy Fucker.

Fuckin' Rumplemintz... Still not sure if I can make Ice's wedding but for sake of planning, what airport am I trying to fly into? Is there a Toledo airport that exists and lands planes of higher quality than the Indians' team plane from "Major League?" Or am I looking for Columbus because Wheelz talked Ice into getting married on Champions Lane?

Anonymous said...

Wait, where is this wedding? Am I even going? I forgot about that thing, and I wasn't cool enough to get a save the date. I'm throwing you to the fucking zombies.

Hockey was great yesterday. I grew up a Bruins fan (no idea why or how, just did), however, I really fucking hate Boston fans. Not a single post about hockey all year, and those fucking miscreants came out in force last night.

Ide

GMoney said...

WHOA! Prime is considering a show-up? I was not aware of this at all but I am pleasantly surprised. Check Detroit and Detroit only...it's less than an hour drive to Toledo and 100% less Bogert. It's got to be the cheapest route but if you choose Columbus, I will chauffer you up to T-town. We will stop at all strip clubs and male revues.

Flowers was an animal. And as I've said before, he spent his entire senior season trying to kill me every day so you've got to respect that.

But yeah, Max Starks is below average. He was actually replaced by Flozell Adams at one point and if you are getting bumped by a guy whose nickname is "The Holding Hotel" then you aren't good.

Brady said...

I really don't have an explanation as to why the Indians couldn't hit yesterday. It's probably because we weren't facing a Cy Young winner. Maybe the Yankees have our number this season. I don't really give a shit as long as they stay in first place. Bring on the Phillies!

Mike Lombardi is the new Romeo Crennel. Dude has a gift for answering questions with random groupings of words that don't answer the question and leave one feeling confused.

I think the Browns should take a look at Woodson for some safety help. Even though he is a traitor, I still feel the guy could bring some help to our LOL safety situation. Plus, I could drive to Berea and smoke him in the 40. It's a win win.

The Iceman said...

G$ is right, Prime. Detroit is your best option. Bogertless made me LOL. Toledo does have an airport but I really have no idea how often flights come in and from where. Not sure if i mentioned this yet...but I'll be offering my residence up to you and Mrs. Prime for the evening if you like so you guys don't have to get a hotel. Flights are a lot and these are the perks that come with being named commenter of the year. If you're lucky I'll even wash the sheets for you.

Ide...you know that whole exchange in the comment section that's been going on for 5 months now about how I need people's addresses because we were sending out save the dates that you clearly ignored? That's why you didn't get one, penis. Grumpy, prime, G$ and Damman were the only ones who we mailed to because they were the only ones who provided addresses. But I'm sure we can find a place for you if you really plan on showing up.

GMoney said...

As Dut said on FB, YOU AREN'T IN FIRST PLACE. Stop spreading lies like you do with dude buttcheeks.

I've never said this before but Iceman is right: whoever signs Bradshaw on the cheap is going to get a really solid RB. The Rams should be all over that. That way, Peter King can continue to talk about the Rams every week as he likes to do now.

GMoney said...

Ide can sleep on the floor at his uncle's smut shop.

Ice, I believe that we determined that the wives stay home for your weddin'. Prime is no exception to the rule even if Mrs. Prime has been dying to vacation in northwest Ohio.

Almost 2000 posts here and that was the first Bogert reference. It's about fucking time.

The Iceman said...

Check that...Prime and Jimmer Fradette are welcome to crash at my place. Since those guys are TOTES tight now.

Grumpy said...

Flozell Adams played right tackle; look it up.

Although my "Save the Date" postcard was addressed to Mr. & Mrs., there will be no Mrs. at the wedding. I told her it was Money Shot regulars, hookers and blow.

GMoney said...

Grump, what the fuck is going on with HawkTalk? Did they not pay their bills?

Prime99 said...

There is a better chance of me bringing Jimmer than Mrs. Prime and Z-Dub.

I'm trying to budget and make it work but child care is no joke! If I flew into Detroit, would someone (not Iceman) be able to pick me up or am I going compact rental car? Or taking G$ up on his offer to take a road trip involving male strippers and 80s hair metal tunes?

Need all the factors together before pulling the trigger...

Prime99 said...

If Stan emails you his address, would he get an invite to the wedding?

Anonymous said...

I believe the comment numbers have spoken. 20 comments by 1:00 PM is LULZ, as you boys say. Next time let your wife post.

-Your Biggest Stan

GMoney said...

YES! Go get him, Stansbury! Iceman just doesn't know what constitutes good bloggin' anymore!

The Iceman said...

I would invite StanGina to my wedding but he would just sit there and bitch the whole time, I'm sure. Plus we already decided no children at the reception.

20 comments by 1PM is actually about the norm, StanGina. But don't take my word for it. I've only been contributing to this blog for about 3 years now. Please. Tell me more about shit you have no frame of reference on.

What's wrong, StanGina? Big enough balls to show up and talk shit about post ideas but when challenged to write a post of your own you crumble to your knees faster than your mother does at a Nickleback concert. Offer stands, StanGina. Offer something better or you're just being a whiney cunt.

Anonymous said...

I plan on coming for DFL draft and the wedding. When is the date? Ill book flights for it today. Id be staying at my moms unfortunately, but I would TOTES put G $ out of the way to take me.

Ide

The Iceman said...

August 10th, Ide.

Anonymous said...

I was hoping that he would write another post about fantasy football in May because that is obviously really relevant.

-Your Biggest Stan's Biggest Stan

GMoney said...

Ide, I have a feeling that my driving skills are going to be called upon to get you to the Hocking Hills so I will not be offering up those same services in August.

Ace said...

Stan is the ultimate troll. He better show up every Tuesday or take Iceman up on his offer.

There are no free agents out there who will make a difference this year.

I would rather talk about Chip's ELITE meal plan for the Iggles. That guy gets it. Until they start to lose and the entire team turns on him because he is treating them like children. Never doubt Andy Reid strength and conditioning training.

The Iceman said...

Or would Ace rather talk about the Eagles shiney new FA running back, Felix Jones. DREAM TEAM!!

Ace said...

most pointless signing ever. but IN CHIP I TRUST!

GMoney said...

Felix Jones only signed with the Iggles because he, too, is somehow anti-taco.

This time, Chip has gone too far. You can take away a man's freedom and testicles, but never his tacos.

Brady said...

Sorry, 1/2 game out because of the rainouts. We'll just call it virtual 1st place because we own the head to head so far.

I'm starting to like My biggest Stan. He might troll Iceman every week until insanity overtakes him. I'll just sit back and watch.

The Iceman said...

An updated report has Titus Young's father letting people know that his son has a brain condition where his brain presses up against his skull too much. He's supposed to be on medication for it but doesn't take it. This shit keeps getting better and better.

The Iceman said...

StanGina doesn't bother me, Cakes. And never will. Because he's shown that he's not enough cock and balls. He's just like a woman...bitching for the sake of bitching.

Ace said...

Andy Reid's Weekly menu:
Mad Dog Mondays
Taco Tuesdays
Waffle Wednesdays
Thirsty Thursday(no light beer allowed)
Fast Food Friday
Syrup Saturdays
Shrimp Sundays

GMoney said...

Stan doesn't bother Iceman just like "Ohio" doesn't bother Cakes. In other words, ALL LIES!

I said this at KSK and I'll say it again here: Richard Young must have went to the same med school as Jenny McCarthy because they apparently have all the answers. Dick Young's quotes make him sound like Charles Ramsey. I was waiting for him to drop in a DEAD GIVEAWAY.

Anonymous said...

Iceman, I am in your head because you recognize your inferiority. Embrace it and become the best blogger ever, or don't and continue to be a boob who tells a different variation of the same joke 10 times a week.

Also, there were 31 comments by 1:00 PM for yesterdays post. You are 64% of the blogger that G Money is.

Also also, this is your "introduction" on your blogger profile;

"After graduating with a degree in Journalism, my interest in the field faded somewhat after graduation but my love for writing and expressing my ideas about sports, entertainment and life in general never did. I often discuss my thoughts about everyday occurrances with those who are closest to me and I feel the need to extend that to a larger audience. Maybe what I have to say will make a difference, and maybe not. This is what I kick around in my head daily. It's not always pretty and you may never agree with what I have to offer, but it's me."

FAG!!! Are those fucking Creed lyrics?

-Your Biggest Stan

PS I never should have waited this long to comment.

Ace said...

Ummm...Stan...just shut down The Money Shot. HOLY FUCK.

The only thing he forgot is *drops mic*

Nate said...

The only way to resolve this is going to be for Stan to guest post.

The Iceman said...

Look what I did to StanGina. Resorting to grabbing information from a blog I started like 4 years ago. LOLZ! How pathetic. If StanGina hadn't proved before he's common street trash then this certainly seals it. By the way...thanks for reading blog entries you "hate" and that "bore you" with "regurgitated jokes". You're the guy who shows up to open mic night just so you can boo them from a distance because you never had the scrote to pick up a guitar and try yourself.

The Iceman said...

StanGina needs to find his balls first before he even thinks about a guest post. But he never will. Because pussies will always be pussies. It's easier for him to flap nonesense from a distance than actually put himself out there like G$ and I do every week. See ya next Tuesday StanGina!

GMoney said...

I just did some tallying and, yep, Stan is currently leading all votes for Commenter of the Year. That was great. I can't wait for next Tuesday. Creed lyrics!!!

Grumpy said...

G$, all I know about HawkTalk is what was posted, that their ISP changed servers without much notice and they're having problems.

If Ide and G$ drive from Cbus to Toledo, someone please install a dash cam.

Jeff said...

This war is great!

Slow clap for stANIMAL

Anonymous said...

Is Stan actually Stan Stachak? Please let it be

GMoney said...

Oh man, if Stan Stachak put down his Doppler radar to show up here and piss off Iceman, that would be cause for shutting this site down for good.

The Iceman said...

Perfectly calm. Finishing my coffee...