Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Hokester is the GOAT

Fundamental football makes him dripping wet
Welcome back to The Money Shot, kiddies, which is also known as your home for analyzing the quotes of college football coaches! At least it is this week! You may have thought that we were through with that after Monday’s treasure trove but WE ARE NOT. If you have learned two things from this site over the years (in regards to the NFL’s little bro) they are:

1. Ohio Buckeye fans suck turds.
2. I hate Notre Dame almost as much.

Who is the man that can bring those two sides together to form one giant ball of hate and cookie dough? Who is the man that stirs the pot of chili like none other? Who is the man that brought old man trolling to the Big Ten? Who is the man with the 24 inch flabby pythons? WHO DA MAN?

It’s The Hokester, BRAH! The rotund Michigan Man(!) head coach was speaking to a group of loser alums this past weekend in Grand Rapids (I hope it was Ohio) and fired off this gem in between shots of melted oleo:

"We are fortunate to have unbelievable rivalry games at Michigan. The Notre Dame game, that rivalry, which they're chickening out of. They're still going to play Michigan State, they're going to play Purdue, but they don't want to play Michigan. I don't know how they made that decision."

BURN! Suck on that, golden showers! You just got HOKED! Or perhaps he just wanted a few more portions of chicken, I'm not sure.  What a titan in the shade throwing game Brady Hoke has turned out to be. It all started with his desire to make the Ohio/Michigan rivalry not a joke anymore. Now he has turned his sights on South Bend and their murderous program by calling them gashes. I love it. And he’s right. They have no problem carrying on a “rivalry” with the juggernauts from Purdue and Sparty but the one Big Ten team that they do back out on is the one that is the better of the three. That is chicken shit!

I don’t know how anyone can hate The Hokester. He’s just awesome. Everything that that guy does is a stitch. Let’s list off just a few of his amazing traits:
*comically high-pitched voice
*ELITE troll skills
*not Lloyd Carr
*buys sunglasses from a post-production auction off the set of Terminator
*does not wear a headset on the sidelines
*only buys husky pants
*Cakes was named after him
*looks like a really bad pro wrestler from the 1980’s
*wears short sleeves no matter what the temperature is
*GIVES NO FUCKS

I’ve always said that I only root for Michigan twice a year but I might have to re-think that position due to Hoke’s continued greatness. I hope that on 9/7 (LOL I have Miami/Kentucky tickets that day!), in perhaps the final game of the Irish/WalMart Wolverines rivalry, they win by a thousand after that terrible Bellomy kid throws 40 touchdown passes. The man truly is a national treasure. Fuck Brian Kelly! HAIL HOKE!

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

ELITE Brady Hoke stat....Hoke has never beaten a team that his finished in the AP Top 20....LOLZ!!!!!!!!!

Prime...get ready for your whoopin'. The ELITE organization that is the Detroit Red Wings are coming for you tonight son.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Should have said "that has finished in the AP Top 20".

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I agree with G$ completely. Let that fat fuck stam forever as coach. He gave the mouth breathers an OSU win, so I hope he keeps his job another 20 years.

LOLS at Jay Harris renigging on MSU to start his monster rap career.

Ide

GMoney said...

There you go again...acting like the AP poll matters. AP NATIONAL CHAMPS!!!

I want to believe that this whole chicken fiasco is the beginning of a real life Back To The Future feud where Hoke is Biff Tannen and Kelly is Marty McFly. NOBODY CALLS ME A CHICKEN! In this analogy, I guess that the Hokester would constantly be trying to bang Kelly's mom. I like it.

The Iceman said...

"What are you lookin at, butthead? Say hi to your mom for me."

Anyone who dislikes Back To The Future can GTFO.

It doesn't matter how you feel about the Hokester. He's 100% correct. It makes no sense to terminate with Michigan but keep 2 other Big 10 teams on the schedule. Especially now that STREMF of schedule really matters, why would you ditch a team that will always finish higher than Purdue in the rankings? Shit...Denard isn't around anymore to orchestrate another 4th quarter comeback. They're just being pussies.

Anonymous said...

ELITE moment last week. I saw Biff Tannen at a restaurant. He is well into his 40s but looks the exact same.

Ide

Brady said...

For once I TOTES agree with the Hokester. What a pussy move by the Irish. Killing kids, dating girlffriends that work in the gift shop at Niagra Falls, embarrassed in the title game and pussying out of a great rivalry. ND is L O to the fucking L.

I feel like Hoke could've really let them have it but calling them out even a little bit in public is tits in my book.

GMoney said...

Thomas F. Wilson is way older than in his 40's but ELITE sighting nonetheless. In FACT, he just celebrated his 54th birthday last month! There is no way he partied with lite beer.

I understand keeping Purdue on the sched because they are like an hour away but who is clamoring for more games against Sparty? No one.

If ND wanted to end the series than they should have come out swinging first by saying that their game last year was the worst football game ever played and we will no longer take part in something like that. And Jack Swarbrick would have been TOTES right because that game was the worst football game ever played.

The Iceman said...

I was watching that game in a pool that had a waterfall in Hawaii last year. That was the only good part of the entire game.

GMoney said...

He's gotten under Urb's skin with the Ohio hilarity and probably Kelly with this but I'm really looking forward to The Hokester setting his sights on Dantonio because Dantonio is an asshole who deserves to be trolled so hard.

Prime99 said...

Drew, since you like putting up links to GIFs and images so much, I figure I'll respond to all of your shit talking with a video. MY RESPONSE.

GMoney said...

Western Conference Semifinals smack! Prime has Clark W. Griswold. Drew has Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Advantage = Prime

Prime99 said...

You know what else I have going in my favor? A better hockey team.

Ace said...

How can you dislike Hoke? Seriously. I get the rivalry and you "hate" everything about Michigan if you are a Fuckeye. But this guy just poops gold.

GMoney said...

Hoke is an entertaining fella. Urb is a straight up asshole. There is no comparison who I would rather spend a day with (no homo).

And on that list that I am making, Mark Dantonio finishes dead last and Les Miles is in the top 3.

Anonymous said...

Not sure anyone here has claimed hatred for the guy. He is a troll and a turd, but I enjoy his shenanigans. And his win over OSU in 2011 will ensure he has the job for a few more years. This is important, because Urb is TOTES in his head.

Ide

Jeff said...

Don't forget the fact that the Hokester does a great Matt Foley motivational speaker impersonation. I bet Chris Farley snorted a few lines in his grave for him.

GMoney said...

Hoke definitely lives on a steady diet of Blimpy burgers and government cheese.

Ace said...

Hoke is a man's man and you should all love him for it. We should invite him to ribfest.

Anonymous said...

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/regGiftRegistry.asp?WRN=-549291893&show_images=Y&RNT=0&IPPREG=100&IPPREGPRT=100&

Enjoy that G$, it's RG3's (sham) wedding registry. You should TOTES buy him something, brah.

Ide

Ide said...

Also, this OJ testimony is fantastic watching. Nordberg recanting his drinking habits in Vegas is tremendous. "Was I drinking?! It's Vegas!"

Ide

Anonymous said...

Wow, the transcript of this will be ELITE.

"Did you have four drinks by the afternoon?

"Counting the bloody mary's? Oh, yeah."

GMoney said...

What the hell is OJ on trial for now? Last I heard he was pulling the ol' Jason Collins in max security.

Anonymous said...

Prime is hiding on Game 1 day....coward.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Drew is not reading the comments on Game 1 Gameday... Douche.

GMoney said...

LOL good THIRD comment today, Prime! Drew is as oblivious as Joe Paterno.

The Iceman said...

Drew just got JAMMED!!

Prime serving up hot beef today. Drew is the only customer.

Anonymous said...

fyi, iceman straight owning you on reply count today.

throw your loss speech in bullet points.

Ide

Prime99 said...

- It is hard for Drew to type or speak with Steve Yzerman's cock in his mouf.

- The Blackhawks are still better than the team from Robocop's city. The Flag Carriers would pose a bigger challenge.

- The Blackhawks are -200 favorites tonight. That means they are heavily favored.

- I await Drew's awful GIF response. Hopefully he is resting under a bridge somewhere, though.

GMoney said...

I'm not too worried about that (replies). I just assume that everyone agrees with me that Hoke rules.

Brady said...

I bet Rolando McClain and Titus Young would become fast friends.