Monday, May 06, 2013

People Magazine Knows Nothing

What did you say about my mom ass?
I'm going to take it easy today.  It has nothing to do with me but I figure that after some of us had a rough weekend in Chicago at Li'l Strut's bachelor party while others recuperate from dressing like Colonel Sanders at a drunken Derby Party.  I am still dealing with $1 Corona dumps myself.  Either way, we could all use a relaxing Monday free of heated arguments.  So where does that leave us?

Well, it is that time of year again when the bulky sweaters get put away and the slut gear is back out in full force.  Oh, what a glorious time of the year (especially living near a college campus)!  But instead of drooling over 20 year old ass (although feel free to do so), let's talk about the ladies of the small screen.  And I say this because two weeks ago, People Magazine named Gwyneth fucking Paltrow the most beautiful woman in the world.  LOL.  Who the bloody fuck decided this?  HER?  She is not hot.  She never has been.  Just because she bangs Iron Man doesn't make her hot.  If anything, it just proves that Iron Man is a terrible superhero.  Considering that Batman has a creepy lust for the hideous Maggie Gyllenhal, I'm starting to think that these superheros are the worst.

So who is the actual Most Beautiful Woman in the World, you ask?  Well, I scanned through my DVR season pass list and came up with my top ten from shows that I currently record.  The rankings are below with a quick blurb on each.  All of them are better looking than Paltrow and will set the tone for a great Monday conversation about famous TV T and A.  Let's do this!

10. Courtney Cox - Yes, I watch Cougar Town.  It isn't that bad.  I've been a huge fan of hers since Friends.  I even watched Dirt and that show was terrible.  She has had some work done but still looks great in her late 40's.
9. Joelle Carter - Ava Crowder for the win!  I honestly was considering Black Rachel as the Justified representative but didn't want to take a frying pan to the face.  I regret nothing.
8. Rashida Jones - ANN PERKINS!
7. Morena Baccarin - Occasional commenter, Congressman Brody, once showed up to tell me that his TV wife is OVERRATED.  I disagree completely.  I would never agree with a terrorist.
6. Lauren Cohan - Sweet Maggie, please do not marry Glenn.  He is a pussy loser and a terrible leader.  Repopulate the earth with Daryl Dixon and create a super race of unkillable sex machines.  I don't even care that you have a fake British accent.  You are the best.

5. Elisha Cuthbert - It's a damn shame that Happy Endings ended likely their last episode on Friday because it is a really good sitcom.  I was never a big fan of Kim Bauer but Alex Kerkovich grew on me a lot.  Plus, she eats ribs for breakfast which is about the hottest thing that a chick could ever do.
4. Alison Brie - She's great on Mad Men and Community.  The internet loves her.  I'm a HUGE part of the internet.
3. Christina Hendricks - I'm not the biggest BBW fan out there but I'll make an exception for the fiery redhead.  I live my life by the strict BRO code of "No Fat Chicks".  Joan isn't fat like Fat Betty but she is mighty thick.  That rack...OH THAT RACK.  It still pisses me off that she actually married the "snozberries taste like snozberries" tard from Super Troopers.  He must be hung like John Holmes.
2. Emilia Clarke - KHALEESI!!!  Not having her at #1 will likely get me scorched by dragons but there needs to be some punishment for her dating Seth MacFarlane.  This will be a nice segue for Ide's dragon talk later.
1. Julia Louis-Dreyfus - I don't care that she's in her 50s.  She's still hot as hell and actually gets better looking as the years go by.  You can't tell me that the current foul-mouthed VP Selina Meyer is less hot than Elaine Benes (Bennett, right?  It's "Benes", you jackass!).  SO HOT.

While you may disagree with my rankings, there is never a bad time to talk about broads that we want to do.  It's the American way.  I'm just so mad bro at People trying to tell me that Gwyneth Paltrow is anything more than a broom.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good list. Here are a few that would have made my own... Keri Russell (Elizabeth Jennings; The Americans) & Anna Chlumsky (Amy Brookheimer; Veep) and since you insist on women at 40+ Julie Bowen (Claire Dunphy) & Sofia Vergara (Gloria Pritchett) from Modern Family are a notch higher than Suz.

Buke

Grumpy said...

That was a surprise #1. I'm proud of you. There's just something about Wynona Givens.

Mr. Ace said...

Definitely Sofia Vergara.

Grumpy said...

Also Elizabeth Mitchell (Lost, Revoluion).

GMoney said...

I don't/didn't watch either of those programs, Grump.

I can't believe that I left off the Modern Family ladies. That was a mistake. Although I think that I might rate the oldest daughter over Julie Bowen at this point. Sarah Hyland has grown up quite nicely.

I left off reality TV people on purpose but I would mos def have included Brandi Storage Wars and Brenda from Survivor.

Also, I want to state that I hate the fashion trend of the big hats on ladies for Derby Day. Quit trying to hide your ugly mug.

GMoney said...

#1 was justified last night when JLD called Jonah a "jolly green jizz face".

The Iceman said...

Your Seinfeld boner got in the way of you picking a proper number 1. By the way...Seinfeld = OVERRATED. That should start some shit today. But seriously...that show isn't that funny. Almost completely UNfunny as a matter of fact. Jason Alexander is the only one who makes that show semi-tolerable. And Jerry Stiller is okay at times. The rest of the cast? Not funny. All these episodes people tell me are "must see" nearly bore me to tears.

Anonymous said...

Everything Iceman just said. Burke and I have gotten into this discussion just last week. Seinfeld could be the greatest show ever, I couldn't tell because Kramer and Newman make me want to throw my TV out of a window onto a car fire. The cast on that show was rotten. OVERRATED.

JLD, however, is the cats ass, and Veep is amazing. Last night was easily the best episode ever. Jonah leasing a Nissan Cube is LOLS.

The Game of Thrones ladies are all up for debate. Khaleesi is a great choice, though I'd make the strong argument for Margaery. Ygritte is up there, but those two are the clear frontrunners. Orange merkin wouldve helped that though last week. Though Osha gets bonus points for skinning rabbits like a boss. Dragons talk will be good today.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Buke* stupid autocorrect.

GMoney said...

I tried to leave it at one per show and that show ain't shit without Khaleesi.

Seinfeld is a product of Larry David's mind so congrats on being wrong. I'm getting back into watching the TBS re-runs and they still hold up beautifully. The entire story arc of George working for the Yankees is probably the best subplot in sitcom history.

So who would be a proper #1 then, shit heel?

KILL BURKE! He probably also like to go to strip clubs by himself on Thursday afternoons.

Anonymous said...

Agree with Iceman and Ide - Sienfeld is not funny.

Elisha Cuthbert is ranked too low. She is for sure top 3.

All 3 Modern Family chicks mentioned should be on here - especially the oldest daughter.

I assume you were referring to me when you said Colonel Sanders? Go fuck yourself.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Like I said, the writing could be terrific, and probably was. The cast sucked ass. Jerry isn't funny and hi stand up is for rubes. Kramer, while delightfully racist, was just retarded. Newman is the worst actor ever. And, I didn't really have a problem with George, though, he is a pretty bad actor too.

While JLD is amazing, number 1 is TOTES out of line. I'd take Alison Brie. Plus her off air free stylings are ELITE. I'd also throw Zooey Deschanel. I haven't ever seen New Girl, though I am aware that it exists.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Seinfeld=sucks. Curb Your Enthusiasm=hilarious.

The Lil Strut bachelor party was so raucous that everyone, other than me(I think), was in bed by midnight on Saturday. Friday hit everybody pretty hard. I was able to drink away my hangover Saturday, but I am paying double today.

While everybody was busy sleeping Saturday night I was busy dodging bullets on the Souf Side. Man of the People.

Derby talk? The shitty track made the event quite anticlimactic. Orb stayed outside and stayed clean for the most part. Seems like a horse that will win the Preakness, but not have the distance for the Belmont. If Golden Soul(2nd Place) runs the Belmont, he will beat Orb. HORSE COCK!

Anonymous said...

Definitely the three modern family chicks.

Alison Brie is my #1 tho.....those tits won't quit.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I was referring to you, Seal. You looked like an asshole.

I don't understand the hate thrown at Wayne Knight. He was glorious in the role of evil mailman.

Alison Brie dates James Franco's even dumber in real life and is married to Pete fucking Campbell on TV. There has to be some sort of punishment for that shoddy judgment.

That bachelor party couldn't have been that fun since Dut played a prominent role. I'm just going to keep calling him out as a homosexual until he starts commenting on the reg again instead of being a pussy and blaming his phone. How did you guys like the rooftop (which is a baller idea for a bachelor party)? Way better than going inside that shithole and the food/beer is better.

How about this for a conversation continuer: Who out there is considered hot but the public who you find repulsive. For me, it's old sausage fingers Kaley Cuoco from that Big Bang show. She's disgusting. And that show is the worst.

GMoney said...

Drew, I think that Gillian Jacobs is quietly sneaking up on Brie in my informal Community Power Poll. Although Gillian is a really ugly first name. She might as well go by Ethel.

Grumpy said...

Thanks for the reminder. Kaley Cuoco is the hottest.

Anonymous said...

Gillian Jacobs is aging like a fine win. Modern Family, Community, and Game of Thrones could easily own this entire top ten.

Nice conversation continuer. Sarah Jessica Parker, but I guess that the public has finally caught up to that one now. Any of those Kardashians as well.

Wayne Knight is the 1990's version of Patton Oswalt. Both need to be euthanized.

So it's settled. Seinfeld sucks and those who like it probably have acute autism.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Rooftop is definitely the way to go, especially if don't give a fuck about the game. Good seating, great weather, good food(VEGGIE BURGERS BITCH), and all the booze you can drink in 7 innings. If you really care about the game, then the rooftops probably aren't for you. But for everybody else, rooftop is ELITE.

GMoney said...

If you don't like Seinfeld then I bet that you LOVE Two and a Half Men! Not appreciating that show just makes me SMDH because clearly you are simple-minded and ig'nant. Go drink another grape soda.

Nate said...

Rooftop worked out pretty well.
Credit Large Strut for the idea.



Prime99 said...

Happy Endings is/was a great show. Any show with Elisha Cuthbert that is set in Chicago and has mentioned Sacramento (Real World Sacramento, no less) is clearly ELITE. I heard that it is possible for another network to pick it up if ABC cancels it.

JLD is in no way the #1 on any list involving looks unless it was limited to her and The Golden Girls. That's about it.

How about a list of TV's past? Blaire from Facts Of Life? Or my personal #1 ever- Kelly Kapowski?

I think Seal should dress like that every day.

Prime99 said...

Almost forgot- Margaery Tyrell is #1 on GoT. Damn fine woman right there.

Anonymous said...

Sarah Hyland wasn't an oversight, I just couldn't think of her name at 1:00. I would definitely have her on the list.

GMoney said...

Credit Large Strut for the idea.

Absolutely not.

Did anyone watch Boston Public before Jeri Ryan came aboard and ruined everything? Jessalyn Gilsig (first season female lead) was the TROOF. I think she is on that Vikings show now which I imagine is something that BradyCakes watches. Always a fan of hers forever.

Also underrated: Sweet Dee

Anonymous said...

I did watch that season of Boston Public. I gave up after the SWAT team came in. Terrible show. I do recall that broad being hot.

Also, big ups to Cerie in 30 Rock. She lives near me, but is apparently engaged to some emo faggot.

Meadow Soprano really did it for me back in the late HS/early college days. And, I am TOTES including Mandy Moore for her part in Entourage.

Ide

GMoney said...

Sloan from Entourage (terrible show unless you are the BRAHEST OF BRAHS) would be in my top 3 if it was still on the air.

Anonymous said...

Although I still felt like I was going to throw up from the night before, the rooftop was the way to go. You definitely get your money's worth. I think Commenter Daniel had 11 beers in the 7 innings, which would have cost him a fortune at the stadium.

Overall, it was a fun weekend. Less than two weeks of freedom left.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Number 1 is Elisha Cuthbert. Easy choice. I would let that woman smear a stranger's shit on my chest like Indian war paint.

Either Seinfeld is terrible or all of the "best episodes" people insist I watch are actually the worst episodes. Either way Seinfeld fans are morons who can't tell good TV from awful TV.

GMoney said...

The only problem with Dan on a rooftop is that Brandon Phillips probably couldn't hear all of the compliments that were being hurled his way.

I don't give a shit if you think that Seinfeld isn't funny. Most of the acclaimed episodes are ones that I don't like anyway. I'm just defending my JLD pick at the top is more than just from nostalgia from her old employer because it is TOTES not true.

A show that introduced Patrick Warburton to mainstream America can't be all that bad, can it? Gotta support the team.

Anonymous said...

DRAGONS!

Note: No Khaleesi this episode, so no dragons.

I've summed up that people thought this episode was pretty slow and weak. They are completely wrong, this episode was tits. The Bran story (so far) and that fat tub of shit Samwell story are pretty boring and of no use, but they keep it relevant with a 2 minute snippet of each. That is ELITE story telling. They know you hate it as much as they probably do, so they don't waste much time on it, but clearly it will be big later, so they keep you abreast of the situation.

Osha skinning rabbits is awesome. And, I bet she is a good enough hunter, what I am saying is that I wouldn't mind going camping with her. She is sneakily hot too under all of that frumpy burlap rags.

Ygritte will cut a dick off need be. I sincerely think she is one that is not to be fucked with. I would love to see her and Jon go to a village and have some hand maiden or the like put the moves on the bastard. Speaking of bastards, I hope he totally sinks his ice pick into that wargs skull. He wasted no time cutting that rope in that ELITE climbing scene. For a tv show, they bring some high quality cgi to the party.

Jamie failing at dinner was very amusing. His story gets better and better. And Brienne in pink almost won the night if not for a few later scenes.

Arya! What a great scene. She can drop a straw man at a drop of a hat, and is not scared to talk shit to the Red Woman. The Red Woman giving her that free fortune telling session where she see's a bunch of future dead bodies basically means Arya is going to be a badass. This foretold killing spree can happen at anytime in the near future. Thanks.

The Robb Stark part. So, yeah, umm, no comment.

LOL Theon! Holy shit, I hoped he would get tortured, but skinning the mans pinky was insane. That torturer is a deranged lunatic. Good to see they spent a lot of time on this and will continue to do so. Theon gon' get it.

Everything about the Loras and Sansa conversation amused me to no end. Those who thought this part was boring were stupid. The faggot was so much more into the wedding than Sansa for all the same reasons. The colors, the outfits, the party, and oh yeah, the bride. It's not a pin, it's more of a broach. That sword swallower is solid comic relief. Also, thank you GoT for bringing sword swallower into a growing list of homophobic epithets.

Tywin vs Lady Olenna. That was scheming at it's absolute best. I say it every week, but Tywin is the fucking man. That guy even intimidates me, and would probably convince me to eat my own shit. Owning a faggot son vs incestuous children argument (name one other show where that would make sense) with gusto, gives you bonus points.

Speaking of inbred children: wowzers Joffrey. RIP Roz, nice tits, but they couldn't stop that crossbow. That part was just ominous. Tommy Carcetti learned her good. Zero fucks given I assume. That'll teach the rest of his bitches to have loose (upper) lips.

And, lastly, LOLZ Sansa. That scene of her balling while her getaway ship was sailing away was great. I take great pleasure at laughing at her misery. Fairy tales don't come true in Westeros. Enjoy Tyrion! Special LOLZ go out to Shae, who was in the room to get the news as well. They really should have shown that scene of Tyrion simultaneously breaking both of their hearts. Biggest gripe of that episode aside from the lack of nudity.

While this episode may have seemed boring, say that at the end of the season. (/wink Prime)

Ide

GMoney said...

That was a bland and shitty episode. When you lead-off with Lardass McGee auditioning for The Voice and then move to the cripples, you're sending a horrible message and already losing me.

Arya sucks. Who does she think she is? Fire Woman should have given her a cunt punt.

Theon is still pointless and awful. The only redeeming part was Tywin and Trade Federation going back and forth. Just kill Sansa already. I am sick of her constant frump.

NO MORE KID-FOCUSED HOURS. Hell, Mad Men was more action-packed last night.

Anonymous said...

I'm not surprised that Ide and Iceman don't like Seinfeld since there are no unicorns or dragons showcased prominently.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

I passed out for the evening 15 minutes into the episode (fathering and band practice tired me out.) However, Ide is correct, if they get through the 3rd book, there are MULTIPLE events that will be the best TV since Elaine Benes dancing at her work party. You will cry, then you'll cry again.

Anonymous said...

1990's era cgi dragon like the Dinosaurs show would still act circles around that shit cast. FACT: JLD is the only one who has acting skills. Seinfeld just gets paid from that stupid contract he has and does nothing else. LOLZ Microsoft commercials. Everyone else on that show is a hilarious failure.

Patrick Warburton is ELITE minus that Tick show.

Ide

GMoney said...

So what? Each of them has made well into NINE figures for their work in the 90's. That's incredible. I would kill for 1% of that for all the great work that I do here. In fact, I would kill you for that 1%. Wouldn't even think twice about it.

That's like saying that John Lennon hasn't done SHIT since The Beatles and thus is a terrible musician. Being dead doesn't give you an excuse to stop making music (see 2pac). Clearly, he is less talented than Ringo!

Look at the most popular sitcoms on TV ever since Friends went bye bye. Raymond. Two and a Half Men. BAHZINGA. Those shows are SHIT. You can't tell me that Seinfeld isn't a hundred times funnier than that tripe. If you keep disagreeing on this, you might have an unfortunate meeting with Brody the Movie Bootlegger.

Wow...did I just win or what?

The Iceman said...

Popular doesn't always equal ELITE. Shit...in a stat i just made up, something like 80% of Americans are brain dead fart eaters that will watch just about anything you put in front of them. That's why shows like Myrtle Manor, Honey Boo Boo and Two Broke Girls continue to get air time. Just because something is popular doesn't make it great. I would actually argue that something that lacks popularity is actually a better product. Yes, I know that's a very hipster and indie rock thing to suggest, but think about it. Do you want to think on the same level as the larger population of retarded America?

Brady said...

Got in way too late on this today. People who don't like Seinfeld are either communists or part of the "TV hipster" crowd that can't like anything that is too main stream. The early episodes leave a little to be desired (still funny) but the last five years of that show were tremendous. I can still sit down and watch them on TBS and LOL after seeing them dozens of times. That's the true test of a TV show.

I have to add in Joanna Garcia Swisher. She was on terrible shows that were cancelled but I loved the shit out of her even before she married an Indian! She was the reason I gave two awful sitcoms a chance.

Agree with almost all of the other choices listed above. My boner isn't very picky.

Anonymous said...

What. No one once claimed those shows were even watchable.

Compare Seinfeld to Arrested Development, Parks & Rec, 30 Rock, and Archer. Hell, even Curb.

You are comparing Seinfeld to a murderers row of CBS SITCOMS. Even their funniest is terrible. So you are comparing throwing contest with a star quarterback and the retarded kid in class with cerebal palsy, a cleft chin, and no bottom teeth.

In other news, LeBron James is a better basketball player than Grant Hill.

I point out what the cast has done after Seinfeld because the crux of my argument is that they are ALL TERRIBLE. Well, JLD is great, but the rest are awful. As indicated by the slew of awful failed sitcoms that followed their stint on that garbage show.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Seinfeld < Worst Cake (obvs)

Arrested Development destroys all comedy shows.

GMoney said...

Those are all funny shows (although I have a hard time calling Archer a sitcom since it's a cartoon even though it technically is considered one) but Seinfeld is better than all of them. I don't know many people that watch TV more than Buke Burke and I'd bet that he would agree with that.

After the show ended doesn't change the absolute FACT that they all killed it for a decade. No one outside of Frasier did much after Cheers. Did that show blow, too? Keep hating, hipster.

Cakes, she married a Yankee. Get yo facts straight. But she is gorgeous.

The Iceman said...

Agree about Arrested Development. THAT is a great comedy show. Not Seinfeld.

Anonymous said...

Married with Children > Seinfeld. Contest that, you can't.

Buke Burke (ELITE typo) watches Scandal and Revenge and I assume Smash, he has a hard on for American Idol alum (probably still watches that, too). While, he is all knowing with tv, he also approves of a lot of shit.

Keep in mind that G$ went on record as saying the Killing was great TV.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Another set of Hipster reasons for hatin. Classic G$ blog these days.

Seinfeld is the greatest sitcom of all time without argument. None of them worked again because they were so famous as their Seinfeld characters. They were so good in their roles they were type casted as those people for the rest of their lives. You probably think Georges real name is George. They all crushed it in the reunion show embedded in Curb. Your insults to the mind of Larry David have not gone unnoticed.

Idiots.

- J Saul


- J Saul

GMoney said...

WHOA! No, I did not. I believe that they lured me in for the first few episodes of season one and then it went to shit quicker than that time where Drew shit his pants three times in one day. NEVER FORGET. But they roped in a LOT of people that they ultimately disappointed.

Seinfeld never had to resort to adding a "Seven" idiot character and was never moved around to a million different nights a week ultimately ending up sadly on Saturdays.

LOL those who just used the term "comedy show". How was Laugh-In last night? That Goldie Hawn is a HOOT!

Some of us think that it's great. Others don't. That's fine. I'm sure that I really hate something that you enjoy, too.

Can we get back to a decent topic like whether or not Leslie Knope is hot? I tussle with this question/decision a lot.

Anonymous said...

If she is good enough for GOB Bluth, she is good enough for this group of assholes.

Prime99 said...

I used comedy show rather than sitcom because I'm including show that aren't sitcoms... However, on that note, Chappelle's Show is the GOAT COMEDY SHOW.

GMoney said...

You just think that you can come in here and make your own rules? Always remember that this is a dictatorship. You play by my rules or you go play with yourself.

Leslie sure knew how to work GOB's banana stand.

GMoney said...

Just as a reminder, Burke is a huge fan of Brad Garrett.

Anonymous said...

I expected Burke to have a greater input. Maybe he will take time of his exhaustive work ensuring Beaners dont come in across the borders and grace us with his insight.

Ide

Anonymous said...

On a topic that is so subjective, its hard to be wrong, but Ide, Ice, & Seal obviously don't know what the hell they're talking about

Anonymous said...

Seinfeld is without question a top 5 sitcom ever! This really shouldn't be debateable. We have had the Seinfeld argument for the better part of decade...and you've clearly been wrong this entire time. The fact that Curb & Veep are top 5 as well bolsters the argument.

Ide-you like little boys, so your opinion means very little to me

If we are counting cartoons, The Simpsons is another top 5 show

Its been said before, but Arrested Development is the best sitcom of our generation

Buke

GMoney said...

Buke Burke Sucks > Trey Burke Sucks

Arrested Development just needed two things: a little bigger body of work and closure. Hopefully we will get that now.

But it isn't #1 because Michael Cera is the worst. He brings down everything around him...including award-winning analrapist Tobias Funke.

Anonymous said...

G$-Michael Cera is definitely the Lisa Simpson of Arrested Development, but almost every great show has some character that is worse than you & damman's good friend "the worst". He's definitely unlikeable & there are 15 new Arrested Development episodes, (May 26th) to help the overall body of work.