Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Open Forum: Disgusting Food!

"I'll take ten"--Uncle T
Boy, yesterday escalated rather quickly, didn’t it? There is no better team-building exercise than when a new guy comes along and starts throwing tridents at Iceman. Unfortunately, he did not kill Senor Tuesday (only his spirit). After some soul-searching and a slight realization that Stan Marsh was a little bit right, I thought that it might be time to get the old knife and fork out again for one of our classic topics around here…FOOD. Or in today’s case, let’s put the knife and fork away because we’re listing the foods that make us violently ill as we find them repulsive. In essence, today is an anti-food post.

Anyone can talk about which pizza toppings are the best or who makes the most ELITE ribs, but are you willing to let it be known that your pussy body can’t handle gluten and thus you have to buy only weirdo products? Or that you have a peanut allergy LIKE A BITCH! That is what makes a man—to identify your shortcomings and allow people to rip on you for it. I’ll admit that I physically can’t eat avocados or jalapenos. The former makes me feel like I’m at Cedar Point for 8 hours (which is a really strange feeling) while the latter gives me instant explosive diarrhea. It is a cross that I bear. I like them both, but I just can’t ingest them for whatever reason. Before I list my Least Fave Five, I got a hold of Mr. Ace’s Least Fave Five. The results are expected:

5. Ribs
4. Pork Chops
3. Burgers
2. Steak
1. Bacon

He’s a real winner and quite the fancy boy but we already knew that. How about G$’s list?

5. Broccoli – Even gobs of gross cheese can’t mask the horrible flavor of this vegetable. I don’t think that I would mind just the leafy part of broccoli but the stalk kills me every time. FACT: every stalk portion of broccoli is an exact replica of Satan’s erect penis. If you think about it that way then everyone who enjoys eating broccoli has a fetish for Lucifer spunk. NOT ME! NOT EVER!
4. Scallops – I have never understood the fascination with these little tasteless hockey pucks from the ocean. They have no flavor. You could put a whole jar of spices on them and somehow it would still taste like bland nothing. I don’t get why scallops are a big staple in fine dining. They suck. I guarantee that assholes like Burke and Ide will tell me I’m wrong but I’m telling you that you are wrong first so I win. Scallops are shit and I say this as someone who will eat almost anything out of the ocean/lake (except for mussels and oysters which are also bunk and mung respectfully).
3. Mushrooms – How the hell did this become a food? It grows in the wild; often in shit. It is a fungus. When and why did we start putting these things on pizza and grilled meat? It makes no sense. They also don’t add anything other than gross texture to a dish unless you like the idea of eating a pizza covered in dead slugs. I do not. There is something that BIG FOOD isn’t telling you: mushrooms are dead slugs from my house.
2. Eggs – To clarify, I like omelets and I LOVE pad thai. The thought of just eating an egg separately makes me gag though. Scrambled, over easy, sunny side up, or deviled all make me retch. I’ve been over my hatred of eggs before though so I won’t go off again. I probably should say that the reason that I don’t mind an omelet is because it is filled with meat and cheese (and usually covered in salsa for me) and the eggs are pretty much just a tortilla shell made out of aborted animals. When it comes to chickens, I am Pro Life, you MURDERERS!!!
1. Green Beans – Can’t stand them. Can't win with 'em.  Can't coach with 'em.  I’m pretty sure that I’ve hated them since birth. My parents have a picture of me as a baby with green beans dumped on my head (if I had it, I would have posted it today) which, even as a stupid toddler, was a better idea to me than actually eating them. To their credit though, I was never forced to eat them. They knew that G$ vs. Green Beans was one of America’s most heated rivalries and they never pressed the sides into battle. My sister has always liked them though which meant that they would occasionally end up on the dinner table much to my dismay. She was always trolling her ELITE older BRAH. Whenever the wife makes pot pie, I always spend a solid ten minutes picking out all the green beans (which is a HUGE pain in the ass but she makes a good pot pie regardless) all the while yelling at She$ to buy green bean-less bags of mixed vegetables. She says that they don’t exist. I stab her with a fork and demand an apology. I H8 GREEN BEANS.

So there we go. Another food post in the books and another chance for Ide to tell people what they should and should not like. And any chance we can get to make fun of Mr. Ace and his Portland, Oregon eating habits, that’s even better. Boner Appetit!

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like all of the things you listed. A few of those things (broccoli, green beans) are things children are babies about...grow up.

I really don't get grossed out by much of anything. I guess I don't like black/green olives...do like kalmatta olives....and I'm not a big fan of mayo or drinking milk (cereal is good). But, I'm really not picky at all.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I too like everything you don't. I've never understood rice cakes. They taste like cardboard.

The Iceman said...

The list of things I refuse to eat is rather small.

Onions. FUCK onions. These fucks ruin anything. They smell like a black mans BO. I've never been more serious than I am right now. Fucking gross.

ANY olive. Blech! I would rather take blogging advice from Stan who remains to be a huge pussy that doesn't have the balls to email me a post to enlighten us terrible bloggers how running a blog should be done. In any family there is always a worst of the worst. See: Dut. In the olive family that would be black olives. Did we expect something "black" to be good? Stop eating black olives, people. They're Lego tires.

GMoney said...

Grilled onions are the best topping of all time. You are the worst for not loving them.

Grow up? EAT SHIT.

GMoney said...

I also loathe everyone that doesn't enjoy tomatoes (Jut). It is a slap in the face to the Tomato Capital of the World.

Ace said...

I do not enjoy green beans. Scallops are fucking awesome. You either eat at terrible places or don't know how to cook them.

Ice...just fuck off for hating onions. Fuck right off. I bet you hate apple pie and america too.

Olives are bad, but I will eat them if they are mixed in with something. I am not picky, at all. OBVS I am not a meatosaur, although I did eat 20 lbs of red meat Friday night at the steak house in Chicago, but anything else is fair game.

Grumpy said...

Onions are the best, grilled, raw, diced in hash browns. I sometimes make onion and swiss sandwiches on rye.

Anonymous said...

Cooked onions are gods gift to America. Raw, not so much.

You are wrong for scallops but I dislike (not hate) scrimp. We can call it even.

Avocados are gross. Aside from it being beaner food, I too get sick when eating them. Sucks brah.

Olives or to a greater extent, almost anything pickled. Those dark green jalapeños taste like vinegar not pepper. Same with olives, its just the brine you taste, not the olive. Fresh jalapeños go great with everything, including my corn flakes.

Zucchini/squash. Fuck you if you like this. For the same reason G$ incorrectly hates scallops, I hate squash. It tastes like what you cook it in. It is the beans of soup.

Mayo. Not a food, but never forget.

Cauliflower. No thanks.

I also really don't like canned veggies. If I make the effort to eat vegetables, I will put in the time and effort to get the fresh stuff. I feel like Aldon Brown while making it and I brag to whoever gets to eat my awesome food. Also, fuck you Food Network for that last sentence.

Creamed anything. The only thing that's good creamed is Farrah Abraham's face.

Who goes to Cedar Point for less than 8 hours?

Ide

GMoney said...

My gut does when I eat guac.

Cauliflower isn't that bad. I don't mind squash but I despise zucchini. Reminds me too much of eating dick and those days are long gone.

I am a huge Skrimp fan. All kinds even the cold cocktails which I assume are a polarizing food as well. Skrimp > scallops

Grumpy makes awful sandwiches. Never put him in charge of a tailGREAT.

Prime99 said...

At least you got #1 correct... The rest of the list is very wrong.

Mrs. Prime and I will never introduce Z-Dub to green beans. He may not know they exist until his 20s or 30s if he's lucky.

Your aversion to eggs, avocados and jalapeños means you've never had huevos rancheros, correct? If so, I feel sad for you.

Ace said...

Avocados are the best. Why did it take so long for Mexico to notify us of this?

I assume Spam isn't on this list because it isn't really food.

Canned salmon is straight ass. Worst purchase of my life. Almost nothing good comes from cans.

GMoney said...

Cheap beer comes from cans and cheap beer is delicious. Pringles also come from a can. APOLOGIZE TO CANS!!!

The rest of my list is very wrong, eh? Well I just asked myself again and I confirmed that I don't like any of those food stuffs. It appears that you are wrong.

GMoney said...

I also want to get back to yesterday's mention of the great Chaz Ramsey since I watched the vid last night. Sure, his white girl running into a black man's arms line was great, but I felt that one was more on point.

"We had ribs together, bro!"

By that logic, one of this year's RibFest attendees has women chained up in his basement. It's definitely Cakes.

Jeff said...

I hate raw tomatoes, but love me some ketchup. HEINZ of course!!

Lima Beans are the worst. Not sure that I've ever had them though. I pretty sure I refused to eat them the first time i saw them when I was probably 3 years old.

GMoney said...

I also don't like raspberries. It's my least desired fruit outside of Shook's Son.

Anonymous said...

No raspberries? You are trolling hard today. How can anyone hate fruit?

I love fresh green beans, but, like Ape, hate anything canned, save beer and Chef Boyardee's. I hate Pringles, very much, but will not hesitate to eat an entire can, its an odd relationship.

McDonalds is probably going to give Charles Ramsey free McDonalds for life. I love that idea. He deserves nothing less. The MVP of that video was the cop siren going off.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Charles Ramsey told Anderson Cooper that any reward should go to the freed women, that he has a job. I'd like to share some ribs with that dude.

Can't even look at brussel sprouts.

Acorn squash cooked with brown sugar is spectacular.

Anonymous said...

I am surprised by the lack of whining about how terrible fish is.....people can be babies about fish.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I just feel like fruit with seeds in them aren't trying hard enough. Also, fuck raisins.

Ide: I don't like something but when presented with it will devour the entire thing. Makes sense!

GMoney said...

Fish is delish...unless for some reason you actually ordered those Fish McBites. When I was in Seattle, those fish chucker guys at that market place cut me off a hunk of salmon straight from that fucker's gut and it was orgasmic.

Brady said...

Holy shit! I'm 3/5 on G$'s list.

I also don't care for broccoli but it's the other way around for me. If I HAVE to eat it, I'm stems all day long and that shit better be drenched in molten velveeta.

Mushrooms are the worst. They taste disgusting (except for the chicken mushroom!) and add absolutely nothing to the dish. I don't know why they are commonplace for almost EVERYTHING. If I wanted something slimy that makes me gag, (insert gay/blow job joke here) I'd ask for it. Don't just throw it in there and assume everything is okay.

I have fought a lifelong battle with green beans as well. They were literally served at every family dinner/function I can remember. My mother used to force me to eat them so I would just stuff them in my mouth, excuse myself from the table and spit/puke them into the toilet. If she only knew it was training me for my college days.

Anonymous said...

Raw tomatoes are the worst ever.

The only good olive, is a green one, stuffed with blue cheese and soaked in vodka.

Onions are easily one of the top 5 greatest foods ever. I would put it up there with bacon.

Beets and Radishes are terrible.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Ide - gonna be in NY in a week and a half for work. Our office and the hotel im staying at is in Tribecca - I know nothing about the area. You familiar? Any good bars, restaurants you suggest? Anywhere close to you?

Seal

Ide said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Mushrooms and beets; good call. I am finding myself more and more accepting of small amounts of rare mushrooms, but I still don't approve of them. Those button mushrooms or common grade ones are the worst. However, I double dare anyone here to say they hate truffle oil. I will punch their first born or pet in the face. Shit is gold, son.

Magic Mushrooms are still the best though, amirite?!

Ide

GMoney said...

Good God, don't ask Ide for advice. You are opening up the Gates of Hell!

Ide said...

Tribeca, eh? The place has the best whiskey bar in the US (according to GQ) in Ward III. I enjoy it immensely. I live nearby in East Village, and work in the Upper East Side, but I frequently spend time in SoHo, which is just north of Tribeca across Canal.

Tribeca has a few decent places in it, but by and large, it's a bunch of rich well to do families and bankers. There isn't much in the way of cool bars, but there are a lot of great restaurants there. Below Canal tends to become a ghost town at night, as everyone gets the hell out of dodge.

Your best bet is to go to SoHo/West Village or if you know someone who knows the area; Lower East Side. That place still has some dodgy parts though.

Ide

Grumpy said...

So everyone is on notice that if we have to be in New York for any reason, Ide is not willing to take time out of his busy schedule to have a drink or dinner.

The Iceman said...

It doesn't surprise me that this room is filled with onion supporters. Because most of you enjoy tongue bathing the under belly of a black man's sweaty scrotum. Seriously...onions are the fucking worst.

Agree about raisins...except for raisins in trail mix. I will allow it.

And if you hate fruit than you must hate candy too. Because all the sugary ass shit you stuff in your fat hole is flavored to mirror the taste of fruit. And if you hate candy then you shouldn't be alive.

Anonymous said...

Nice try, Grump, though it is probably accurate. It's like Iceman and his social ineptitude in public places. I'm down to grab a whiskey or gay sex (beat you all to it) whenever.

Ide

Brady said...

There is nothing wrong with raisins. Just ask Costanza! I could eat a whole box right now assuming they weren't stolen.

I'm with Ice on the onions debate to a degree. I can handle a FEW grilled onions on steak and cheese subs or a pizza but they are just so overpowering if you have too many. It ruins the dish. I like the taste but the texture doesn't sit well with me.

Raw onions can burn in hell for eternity.

The Iceman said...

Ide is like Stan...nobody likes him.

GMoney said...

Tom Pepper liked raisins more than George. My favorite part of those episodes is stupid Jeremy Piven (under the LOL screen name of Michael Barth) playing George.

I love onions. I'm on team onion. I grill up an onion slice (wrapped in foil with a little butter and cajun spices) every time I fire up the grill. I am not on team green pepper though. When you order fajitas, I feel like they should cut the amount of green peppers in half. And fajitas are awesome.

If you remember, my breakdown of Halloween candy was the original food post here. I am a fan of candy.

Ace said...

Grilled vegetables are the best. Corn, onion, asparagus, kale, potatoes, mushrooms...all fantastic on the grill.

Grilled pineapple and bananas are also great.

Basically grilled stuff is the opposite of canned stuff.

GMoney said...

I also will never eat anything with tentacles. Calamari can get so fucked.

Anonymous said...

Calamari is great. My fried appetizer of choice, actually.

I really like octopus as well. It is extremely difficult to find a place that will do them well, but if you do, they are worth it.

I'm not crazy about eel though.

Ide

GMoney said...

You're gross. My fried appetizer of choice is sauerkraut balls because I am a man.

Jason Collins said...

My appetizer of choice is testicles.

Ide said...

Good thing that those are available at like 2 total places in Columbus, brosef. Calamari is a TRANSCENDENT food.

Ide

Ace said...

Calamari is fantastic. Pretty much any seafood is fantastic.

G$ sucks at eating food.

Anonymous said...

Jodi Arias verdict announcement in less than 30 minutes!

GMoney said...

Who the fuck is Jodi Arias and why should I care? She better be a prostitute.

Calamari is too VISCERAL and GUTTERAL. I tried to eat it once but I couldn't get the mental image of how repulsive a squid is out of my mind-grapes.

I'm sorry, the best fried app is the goddamn Bloomin' Onion. John Madden would never lie to America.

Anonymous said...

I can just see you looking at calamari with the Lisa Simpson brain bubble.

I just googled that Jodi Arias. Some big court case in Arizona that doesn't involve minorities. Pretty groundbreaking stuff.

Anon must be BURKE.

Ide

GMoney said...

My brain bubble alternates between "DENTAL PLAN" and "Lisa needs braces". ELITE reference.

Anonymous said...

Do any of you watch the news? The Jodi Arias trial is the most covered trial in our lifetime, other than OJ & maybe Casey Anthony. The trial was incredibly entertaining & the jury got it right. Guilty!

Burke

Anonymous said...

G$-Ace is definitely right about scallops. Are you eating scallops from the gas station or a fast food restaurant?

I'm really surprised none of you folks mentioned mussels. That is a food people seem to love or hate (usually the guy who won't try it).

GMoney said...

I can assure you that no one in Ohio gives a shit about some beaner from AZ.