Thursday, May 23, 2013

More Reminders That Weddings Are a Pain In The Ass

Since the season is officially upon us (congrats again, LS and Dawg), I’ve still got weddings on the brain. While there will be plenty of time to discuss the festivities of our commenters’ gatherings at a later date, today we should spend some time discussing the forthcoming (or not coming) nuptials of some football players. We all had a rollicking good chortle at the expense of worst best man ever, Daniel, on Monday so I’ll throw him a bone and discuss one of his beloved Bills before I talk about my BFF.

Mario Williams is suicidal? – This is a tremendous story that just keeps getting better and better with every new leak to the media. So Mario bought his fiancée an engagement ring for almost 800K. Think about that for a minute…that is INSANE. No woman’s finger is worth that much unless you got away with rape in Colorado and want to avoid being murdered in your sleep (Vanessa Bryant is a nutjob). It didn’t work out between Williams and his future bride so they called it off. He wants the ring back. She ain’t having none of that. Now I think that they are suing each other. She is implying that Williams has had suicidal thoughts and wanted to swallow up all the pills. This pissed off the Bills pass rusher as you might imagine. Well, this is escalating rather quickly! EVERYONE is on edge after Buddy Nix drafted a horrible QB in the first round and then retired two weeks later probably out of embarrassment!

OK, the dude is allowed to get that ring back unless it was given on Greg “The Hammer” Valentine’s Day, her birthday, or Christmas (or you could be a stud like me and give it as a combo present on CHRISTmas/her birthday which are one day a part AKA the worst day to be born ever). It doesn’t sound like Mario proposed on either of these days so she should quit being a whore and give it back. While professional athletes aren’t prone to making sound business decisions, this actually seems like the correct call for Mario as he clearly realized that he didn’t want to marry an insane person. So I give him credit there for not going through with it. But this broad seemingly has no issue airing his dirty laundry (even if they are lies) and you just signed a 9 figure contract last year so I would suggest that he just drop this, let it go, chalk it up as a life lesson, and move on. That divorce in 8 months would have cost a lot more than the ring did, BRAH. Now stay away from the pills and actually get some sacks this season.

RG3 is tired of the haters – If there is one small problem that I have with my stud quarterback it is that he doesn’t have the thickest skin in the world. He tends to listen to all the critics instead of just ignoring them. It is as if he doesn’t understand that @waneyweb is just a harmless internet troll. In what should have barely been a story, Bobby and his future female wife (you know, because straight people) have a gift registry at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (Really? I was registered there and I’m a shithead. You are better than me. Start acting like it.) Millions of moron Skins fans (such as myself but I had nothing to do with this I swear), decided to buy up everything that they wanted and sent it to the happy interracial couple. He posted a picture of himself with all the boxes of wedding gifts and probably said something that black folk like to say such as “SO BLESSED” or something dumb.

And then the shitstorm commenced like a tornado in an Oklahoma elementary school with a bunch of his Twitter followers demanding that he give the gifts to charity or refuse them altogether. First of all, FUCK THAT. They registered for that stuff because they wanted it. It doesn’t matter who buys it for them. If anything, having it come from randoms is better because that means no Thank You card and those are THE WORST. Second, it’s not like RG3 actually asked complete strangers and star-fuckers to buy him a knife set or a box of ShamWows. Someone found it online and leaked it to Skins fans and they took care of the rest. People love you enough to buy you shit, you don’t insult them by giving it to some loser orphanage.

Finally, for God’s sake, don’t respond to your followers EVER. And if you do, don’t say fucktarded things like “just because I’m rich I can’t accept presents? SMH.” You come off like an ignorant and pompous douche-cake. When you are at the top of the humanity food chain like I am, haters are always gonna hate. It is what gets them through their miserable lives. Complaining about dumb stuff is the #1 tenet of the Tea Party (burn!) and most of social media. Don’t feel bad because people freaking love you and a few don’t. So please accept the Slap Chop that I bought you and your future bride and keep rehabbing that knee. We’ve got a Chip Kelly to murder in week one.

I found both of these stories to be interesting and fitting with the time so that’s why we went with them today. And I will conclude this post with a message that I normally just say to you which should definitely be taken as a FACT to millionaire athletes…NEVER GET MARRIED. Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods?


Anonymous said...

#WINDIANS! LOLZ! For those that don't know...after the first rain delay last night, Brady basically tweeted that it was a conspiracy by MLB to get two more outs to make it a real game since the Tigers were winning and more rain was coming....what an idiot.

Miguel Cabrera is the best baseball player in the world.

Mario should get his ring back.

No problem with the Subway guy getting gifts.

I've got too many weddings this year.


Grumpy said...

Have you seen Ace's 'stache? His wife should get her ring back.

MUDawgfan said...

Real Talk for a Minute, but first a question for the married contributors to this comment section.

We registered for an assload of stuff and have probably taken about 25% of it back, simply because we realized - "This is absurd, we will never use this."
A automated wine chiller was a perfect example. Did other couple experience something similar??

If you don't register at Macy's - you're a total shit head. They literally take the total balance of money spent on you and give you 20% of it FREE in a gift card as a way of saying thanks for the business. That's incredible.

GMoney said...

Tell me about it, Drew. These weddings are going to kill me. Also: Jut sucks. There is no denying this.

Grumpy, I saw that and it haunted me as I slept last night. Mrs. Ace makes poor life decisions. She needs a life coach.

Frank Vogel is the dumbest coach of all time. THE DUMBEST.

GMoney said...

It's fucking yours, bro, you can do whatever you want with it. Couples get a little overstimulated when they are given the registry gun and just go bananas with what they scan. I think that most people would understand that. I also have no idea why fine china is mandatory. I would have rather had a side of beef.

Ace said...

Why you hating on my mustache? Jealous? Must be. The 'stache was a joke, though. I would never wear that hideous thing seriously. Mrs. Ace hates it, which makes me love it, but only enough to keep it for an evening. The stache was promptly trimmed this morning.

Mario Williams should get his ring back. Don't give into crazy people or that just motivates them to continue being crazy. See my sister-in-law.

I don't get the issue with what is going on with RG3. People bought him gifts, he is accepting them. And I am sure he will send back an autograph or something. Yes, when he busted out the "rich" comment he sounded like a moron, but people were up in arms well before that.

Dawg, Macy's really does that? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME?!?!? I was registering for shag rugs at BBB just for the hell of it. I also registered for a statue of Buddha, but nobody got it for me. :(

I heard on Common Man yesterday that Canseco was posting about being accused of rape, and posted his supposed victims picture, name, and phone number. I didn't confirm this, but I assume it is true. THAT guy is marriage material.

Jeff said...

Yea, Jut sucks. You should have taken the original offer

GMoney said...

Yes, I was unaware of this Macy's deal. Probably Obama's fault.

Jose did out the broad that he allegedly raped yesterday. What is she going to do? Take the zero money that he has left?

I'm still leaving the Jut/Rickie Weeks for Bryce/Reyes deal on the table, BROHEEEEEEM. You will see the light (it's a neon Busch Light sign).

Anonymous said...

China is a the biggest scam of all time for people getting married. DON'T BUY IT!! Way better things to spend money on than something you will use 1-2 times a year if you're lucky. All it does is take up space and require a cabinet to be bought to display it. DUMB.

Prime99 said...

I got that same deal as Dawg in 2009 so it has existed for quite awhile.

Dawg, we experienced a similar cycle of returns and that is only amplified on a baby registry/gifts. Everyone wants to buy baby clothes that he will outgrow in mere weeks. Returning them for something he can shit on is much more practical.

I am thinking about trading Jut as well. Fucking frustrating.

Mario Williams I insane. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Williams did the exact opposite of that.

GMoney said...

Hey anon, way to be TOTES WRONG. I've had my billion dollar china for almost four years and it has yet to be used. EVER. BIG PLATE is screwing over America.

Big question with Mario: was his ex-fiancee white or black? Honestly, this feels like the behavior of a spicy latina.

Prime, what store sells your hand? I assume that your baby shits in your palm all the time.

Ace said...

"Returning them for something he can shit on is much more practical."

I think Prime should bust out a couple "Dad Doesn't Know Dick" posts for The Money Shot. Anything that will keep me pushing off kids is welcomed.

Anonymous said...

Its a great day today (even though stupid fucking United lost my luggage last night). I am in California for work, the Indians are STILL in first place, and Trashlander STILL looks like complete shit every start. Wow is he overrated.

Oh and Drew is still Drew - getting owned on this site daily.


GMoney said...


Nate said...

Ace that mustache is prime.

Don't you have a job that puts you around children? Can't imagine that look going very well around the parents.

Shook's Son said...

Nate, I just accepted a job that puts me IN children and a stache is a prerequisite.

Anonymous said...

When is guest post week? I fired mine off the day of. Someone should come and live blog that zombie run.

I plan on getting into town tomorrow morning and most likely renting a car. This is important because I am TOTES using the G$ taxi to Toledo. Deal with it.

I guess I could drive you homos down. This will be the first time (soberly) driving in 18 months, so it should be a hoot.


Prime99 said...

I can certainly write a fine bullet-point post about being a father of a newborn if that is agreeable to Stan.

Ace's mustache is haunting.

Z-Dub has shat on my hand once (he actually got Mrs. Prime that same day) and he's peed on me a few times. I am assuming he will be a huge R. Kelly fan as he gets older.

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal....May first places are for boys....September first places are for men. Congrats on another May World Series tho.

It cracks me up that Verlander has a 3.6ish ERA but he's somehow all sorts of awful. Slowwwwwwwwwwww Seal!


GMoney said...

I didn't draft him in the first round for a nearly 4 ERA. He has been nothing short of OVERRATED this season. He probably has gingivitis or some other white trash ailment.

I'm confused. I saw Ape's 'stache but it looked nothing like Prime. Nate, who are your sources?

There is no set date for guest post week but the sooner the better.

Nate said...

I've never met a handful of the gents on here, so I figured all of them look like pedophiles.

Brady said...

I think the Tribe would like to face that trashball every time they play the tigers this year. His velocity is down and he is not the dominant pitcher he used to be. Looks like a real solid 200 million dollar investment so far.

Jimenez came back down to earth and got smacked around by that lineup. There is no question that Detroit has a scary 1-9. Gong 2-3 against them in the first five games isn't the end of the world. The real test is coming in the next 25 games for the tribe. We have DET, WAS, BOS, TEX, CIN and NYY. That schedule is no joke. If they can come out of that with a .500 record, shit is ON for the rest of the summer.

Wedding China is the dumbest thing ever. I don't think we have used it once in 3+ years. It just takes up space. It would have been a solid present if I were allowed to shoot them as they were flung off the roof but I haven't been given the OK for that yet.

Ace said...

Brady, is your mention of flinging china off the roof and shooting it a Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead reference??? It fucking better be.

You guys realize the Sox are just waiting for their time, right? Shit will get real in August.

Prime99 said...

I'm pretty sure Nate and I were once on the 8 year-old Mets Naptown baseball team. G$, can you confirm that as fact?

DTMTBD references are always welcome. THE DISHES ARE DONE, MAN!

Brady said...

Hell yeah it was! The dishes are indeed done, man!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ ....Brady Cakes knows that pretty much every year other than last year Verlander starts a tad slow. It's amazing how jealous Indians fans are of ELITE players.

Also gotta love the #SlowSealLogic of bragging about a 1St place team....then saying a pitcher sucks because he gave up runs to that first place team. What a sloooooow person.


Nate said...

Wrong Nate.

T-Ball - Yankees

Minor League - Cubs

Even if you were on my teams, you still wouldn't noticed me as I was the one not playing.

GMoney said...

I was a stalwart for the Phillies in Minor League. The ages don't line up for you and Nate to play at that level at the same time anyway.

Seal and Cakes sound like loser Red Wings fans when they brag about being higher in the standings even though they are clearly inferior when they are on the same playing field/ice with the CBJ.

Christina Applegate should have never banged the guy who drove the ice cream truck. Who bangs THAT guy?

Prime99 said...

Oh well, I was a pretty terrible baseball player as well. On the terrible Indians in Little League, they let me catch a game against the Giants where I was absolutely steam rolled at the plate. It was the beginning of the end of my baseball career.

Anonymous said...

I was on the Mets Prime. If memory serves correctly, Prime Sr. was our coach too.


Anonymous said...

G$, that was a Clown Dog truck. Kelly Bundy bangs THAT guy.

J from J-Beanie

Prime99 said...

That is correct Buke/Burke. I'm pretty sure our team was not good but because my dad was the coach, we got to store all the equipment at our house. This led to great backyard baseball with a future felon and other great neighborhood characters.

Ace said...

I was on the Mets several years later. Pretty sure they retired my shersey.

Christina Applegate could, and definitely still can, get it.

There is a kid at my school who is pissed about being kicked off his pony league team because he is too old. He is 16. Hilarious. He bares a striking resemblance to our aficionado of groomed stubble.

GMoney said...

Clown Dog! Playing baseball with future felons! The Mets! Did anyone ever figure out why the only non-AL LL team in Napoleon was the Giants? What the hell was that all about?

Speaking of which, I was looking at my nephews LL schedule this past weekend and the Blue Jays and White Sox are no more. RIP those two teams.

One other great thing about the LS wedding was when I complimented Dan on his Dut-esque beard. He was most definitely not pleased with that sentence.

Nate said...

Per Dan's request, I believe LS will be releasing his final bridal party power rankings when he returns from his honeymoon.

Ace said...

My prediction for LS power rankings:

Cousin Dan
Lil Burke
LS in-laws
Wait Staff
Commenter Dan

The Gubernaths let the White Sox die? Shameful.

Nate said...

You put Chuck the bus driver right above Joy Edwards and you're golden.

Ace said...

CHUCK!!! How the fuck did I forget that guy? I completely forgot about him taking pictures with us in Okie. What a guy.

Anonymous said...

The Gubernath family was all Twins all the time, Ape. They played and coached under the late great (and terrifying) Doug Reiser. They even took over the squad after Doug's untimely death. No man could chew, smoke and drink all at the same time as Doug Reiser. Kinda shocking that he died of heart attack in his early 50s.


GMoney said...

Rupert let the White Sox die which is ironic since he somehow is still alive (I think).

If they still did The Man Show, Doug Reiser would be in The Man Show Hall of Fame with Andre The Giant and Scott Baio.

Ace said...

Well I feel dumb. I played on the Twins. My rookie year was with Doug Reiser, along with Mike and Dave(I think) Reiser. Also had the Gubernath's after that. Somehow I forgot what little league team I was on. Must have been all that Big League Chew. Pretty sure Doug Reiser died the same night that one of our playoff games got called due to inclement weather. A notsoFun Fact.