Friday, May 10, 2013

Just Say No To The Three Hour Trumpet Solo

Big dump or huge rod?
I'm a 32-year-old internet journalist. I'm as white as you could possibly imagine. I grew up in the sticks. And I’m not a fan of The Dave Matthews Band.

I didn't set out to be the first blogger to not like the band that just about all white folk like. But since I am, I'm happy to start the conversation. I wish I wasn't the kid in the classroom raising his hand and saying, "I'm different." If I had my way, someone else would have already done this. Nobody has, which is why I'm raising my hand. And since I’m always the smartest person in this classroom, the teacher will call on me and listen to every goddamn word that I have to say.

My journey of self-discovery and self-acknowledgement began in my hometown of Nap-tizzle and has taken me through two state high school championships, the NCAA Final Four and the Elite Eight, and nine playoffs in 12 NBA seasons. Or, you know, none of those things. This is about where the stuff that Jason Collins said and what I intend on saying today fail to line up. We’ve come to a fork in the blogging road. You can either follow Collins and who knows what you might see or you can follow me and stare at my luscious ass. It’s your choice but both are blatantly homo-erotic.

Why am I coming out now? It’s pretty simple actually. I’m tired of living a lie and acting like I care when I do not. I will no longer pretend to be something that I’m not. The days of trying to fit in over musical preferences are over. I was throwing stacks at the gym last Thursday and the radio was on. It was set to a classic rock station (which is fine). Out of nowhere, Motley Crue’s “Kickstart My Heart” came on and there are few greater songs out there that will motivate you to bench press a couple of Volkswagen’s like that one. I was the only one in the gym so I was OBVZ rocking out. The song ended and the next one up was fucking “Ants Marching”. I was pissed. The Brew* went from 11 to negative million just like that. First of all, why is that band on a classic rock station? Also, who follows up a bitchin’ tune with the ultimate pussy jam?

*The absolute greatest thing about 105.7 The Brew is their traffic updates?  Why?  Because every time they do them, they always come from the Vanity Gentleman's Club Traffic Center which is the best.
After working out, I got the lawn mower out which always leads to random deep thinking. By the way, don’t ever call it “cutting the grass”. You use a lawn mower, not scissors, you asshole. Also, SUVs are not “trucks” so don’t call them that. Where was I? Oh yes—so I’m deep in thought and still upset with the earlier song choice structure when it finally hit me: I just don’t like them. In fact, I’m not sure that I ever did. I’m a rocker, motherfucker, so call me Marty Jannetty.

When I was younger, I was into the band. Everyone else was so it seemed like the right thing to do. I didn’t go to the concerts or get body ink; but I bought a ton of CDs through high school and college. I acted like Live at Red Rocks was this generation’s Shaq Diesel (greatest album ever recorded). I probably told people that “Dave” was my favorite band. But it wasn’t. It never was. That was all a big lie. I’ve never given a fuck about Tim Reynolds (who I always want to call Tim “Little Hockey” Meadows) or his brass solos. If I wanted to watch a sax solo, I’d YouTube the clip of Slick Willie on Arsenio. If you write songs with more pointless lyrics than Linkin Park (very hard to do), 8 minutes of instrumentals aren’t going to make them better. I’ve tried to put a label on what exactly the sound is that Dave goes for and how to categorize it. Besides OVERRATED, I decided on “Bro Jam Band”. It’s a music style built for frats with many undesirable qualities of the dreaded hippie jam band. I am not the kind of guy who would be into a Bro Jam Band. Like I said, that’s not who I am.

So what happens next? Nothing really. I was just inspired by Tim Brando’s hero to finally come clean about something that was on the surface for a while but had not been explored yet. That fateful day at the gym changed that forever. I faked interest for the longest time but the Boston Marathon bombings have taught me to be myself (you’re pushing it, G$). Just because most of your bros are into something, doesn’t mean that I have to fall in line. I won’t. Life’s too short to listen to a 45 minute oboe solo followed by some pussy singing at an octave that is impossible to understand. That is not what I want.

No more pretending from G$. It’s that time of year when Summer concerts take place and I’m sure that The Dave Matthews Band are hitting the road. I’m sure that some of you may be going. Just know that I don’t care and I am not jealous and if you want to brag, expect this conversation:

You: Hey, BRAH, going to see DAVE next weekend!
Me: Really? When did Dave Mustaine leave Megadeth and how did he pull together a solo tour so quickly?
You: ???
Me: YOU TAKE A MORTAL MAN! AND PUT HIM IN CONTROL!

Boy, I feel a lot better. Get fucked, you dancing nancies, and start listening to the Big Tymers. Now I can get back to my real passion in life: trolling Ohio Buckeye fans while listening to all of my Tony Butt Ass Kiss albums (your new nickname). But NOT Red Headed Step Child. Never them. I’m G$, I’m not gay, I don’t like The Dave Matthews Band, and I approve this message.

67 comments:

Nate said...

...but the Boston Marathon bombings have taught me to be myself ".


Had me LOL.

Anonymous said...

I will see them live, but I don't really listen to them much outside of that. Say what you will about them, but they can put on one hell of a show. I HATED them growing up and really didn't even like them until college when I saw them live for free.

Ide

GMoney said...

Yeah, I'm sure that the live aspect is different but then I would look around and see bros as far as the eye could see and then I would be all like "I've got to get out of here...too many popped collars and white people dancing".

I figured that this would be a decent topic since the vast majority of us (and anyone between 20 and 40) has to have some opinion about the BRO JAM BAND.

Jeff said...

I've been to 3 or 4 Dave concerts and don't remember a damn thing about any of them. A Dave concert was just another excuse to get FUBAR'd. I was like you G$, I convinced myself that I liked Dave in high school and college yet I have not intentionally listened to a Dave song in years.

I went to 3 Ozzfests and they were fucking tits! Nothing will ever top those.

Anonymous said...

Dave fucking sucks. And Dave isnt good live - the thousands of smoking hot, half naked, drunk girls make you think the concert you are at is good. I hated them in high school and was largely in the minority.

Brady - sorry i wasnt here yesterday to back you up, but im not sure i would have. I think its way too early to jump on the "Indians are going to the playoffs" bandwagon. We are not a playoff team with a closer as terrible as we have right now. The feeling right now is great, and good pitching it becomming contagious, but lets talk in july - I have gotten my hopes up way too many times with this team. Plus as much as I hate to say it, the Tigers are good and will be tough to contend with.

Seal

GMoney said...

I'm glad that Seal and Brady are on my side. I know that Burke won't be.

Cakes probably LOVES Dave (Matthews, not Mustaine, Clark Five, or Grohl because he is a poooooooosaaaaaaaaaay).

Anonymous said...

That makes no sense. Unless you distinguish Brady and Cakes as two separate entities.

I don't know of many people that will argue that he is good, however. Maybe, back in the late 90's you got those douchebags that would tell you to fist yourself if you spoke ill of DMB, but now, I'm not sure.

I hated him, and I see why people do. If the conversation ever comes up, I ask if they've seen him life, to which the answer is always no, and then I get it.

I wonder if Total Recall plays this at their shows.

Ide

Ace said...

Never been a Dave fan. There are a few songs that I enjoy, but I have no idea what the names of the songs are. I didn't give into the DMB peer pressure in high school. I was too busy bumping Big Pun and rocking my Karl Kani t-shirt and Perry Ellis boots.

I have always liked OAR, though. At least their old stuff.

Nate said...

Really liked DMB in high school, and I still listen to it, just more for nostalgic reasons that anything.

Have they released anything since 2002? I'm probably asking the wrong crowd.

Prime99 said...

Tim Reynolds plays guitar, not sax. The sax player died two albums ago.

That said, DMB WAS my favorite band in college (like many others.) The upside was that I learned a shit ton of complicated, yet repetitive, guitar parts and it made me a better musician.

These days, I rarely listen to DMB. They aren't even close to my top 30 favorite bands. My band covers Ants Marching and it is admittedly probably the worst song we play.

If I need a poppy jam band, I much prefer O.A.R.

GMoney said...

I like Oar's music but not the band itself. You are Oar. Not O.A.R. and nothing about your music warrants a revolution, you faggots.

My freshman year in the dorm, I remember listening Oar non-stop (Crazy Game of Poker FTW) while playing Tecmo Super Bowl and drinking shitty beer. It was the best.

Butt Ass Kiss sucks.

Prime99 said...

Nate, they have 4 albums since 2002, I think. If you listen to "Stand Up," you will hate it and it will make you enjoy the rest of their catalog less than you already do.

Ide- TR's website has a full song list if you're so inclined to look. Spoiler alert: no Train.

Nate said...

While talking about DMB / OAR brings back good memories, I would much more prefer Buke enlighten us on his extensive Amy Grant collection.



Brady said...

Seriously, FUCK Dave Mathews! Never have even remotely liked them and made fun of chumps in high school who did. I was more of a Zeppelin, Stones and Marley guy growing up. The tools who listened to "Dave" in high school wore khakis with Abercrombie sweaters. Pretty much the worst.

OAR I was a little more tolerant of. The Madison Square Garden "Mr. Brown" is one of my go-to songs when wasted at 3am.

GMoney said...

Nate, dynamite Amy Grant reference! I will buy you a free beer next Saturday in Defi!

Tim Reynolds plays guitar, not sax. The sax player died two albums ago.--Go fuck yourself, college boy. Does that mean that Tim Meadows is dead? RIP Ladies Man!

Nate said...

Brady must hvae been in that boat in Chicago that had DMB's poop poured on it from their tour bus.

GMoney said...

Cakes, be careful, I hear that Richie Earl was big into Crash.

Brady said...

The thing that bothered me about "Dave" (I will continue to put that in quotations because it is gay) was DM's whiny voice. Dude, we get it. You're really emotional and into the music, man. Why do you have to keep scream/whine/yelling at me?

Anybody who listened to "Dave" at AW wasn't getting laid outside of the band room. That reason alone was enough to steer clear.

Prime99 said...

How about this - Led Zepplin sucks. They ripped off songs exactly. Robert Plant has a whiny voice. Even Plant hates Stairway To Heaven.

Seriously, not good.

The Iceman said...

DMB sucks. Always has always will. I was never one of the drones sucked into the mind warping shiftiness of that crap band. OAR is worse. Crazy game of buttsex is one of the most pointless songs ever released. It's 9 minutes of nothing and makes frat boys unite no matter what bar you're in. Never support anything guys in frats love unconditionally. Shame on all of you.

And RHSC will rock your tesicles off. Never speak ill of the best/worst punk band in the world. Been making dudes unichs since 95.

Anonymous said...

Translated: Kidz at AW were too busy listening to Eminem and ICP to be down with Dave, unless they were band virgins.

Prime covers Breakfast at Tiffany's. You can't unring that bell.

Ide

Brady said...

Zeppelin sucks? That's blasphemy, bro. It sure sounded sweet after a blunt and some mushrooms.

Stairway is definitely the worst but you can't beat the BBC sessions. Give me some " Traveling Riverside Blues", "Tangerine" or "Bron Y-Aur Stomp" any day.

Eminem and ICP?! I don't even know how to respond to that.

GMoney said...

Zeppelin sucks. Deal with it.

Oar may be garbage now but in 1999, they were pretty ELITE.

There is nothing wrong with white rappers.

Anonymous said...

I'll see your Led Zeppelin and raise you The Doors. That deadbeat should've ODed before he made music.

Ide

Ace said...

Zeppelin does suck. I am no rock expert, and cannot name a single Zeppelin song, but just judging by the people I know that like it I can tell it blows hard.

ICP is strictly a Sparty thing. Eminem is the G(w)OAT.

Prime99 said...

Cakes, Zeplin has a singer with a whiny voice, songs that wander way too long, a very large and defensive following, and their music is highly overrated. Remind you of another band? That's right! Dave Matthews Band! You like the trendy, faggy band of our parents' generation.

That said, musical integrity and paying the bills are two different things. I'd play "Rock & Roll" for money (it's been done.) Breakfast At Tiffany's is not good, but it is benign, easy, and drunk people sing to it. Will go over great at casinos, which we are playing in June. If playing that song (and others similar) get me paid, well then awesome.

I draw the line with Train and Nickelback. I'm game for almost anything else for money. Not enjoyment. Or at least, enjoyment through money.

Everybody has a price...

The Iceman said...

Prime...Cowturd wants to know your opinion on Pearl Jam's hit song "Jeremy's Crying".

Brady said...

I see your argument, Prime. Zeppelin may be overrated but I loved them in high school. Will still jam out to the non-radio songs of theirs.

I'll tell you who doesn't suck though. The Talking Heads! Went to a graduation party the other night that had one of their live concerts playing on the big screen. Give me some "Home" and I'm good to go.

Prime99 said...

Ah fuck- don't get me started on that fucktard.

GMoney said...

OMG...The Talking Heads are worse then walking in on "Dave" getting gangbanged by LedZep. You have got to be shitting me. You deserve to root for the Indians.

Prime, everybody's got a price and everybody's gonna pay.

GMoney said...

Where is Drew? Is he already tailgating for Red Wings Elimination Day? Grumpy have any opinion on Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass? Is Burke so pissed that he refuses to comment?

Some commenting stalwarts are suspiciously silent today.

Brady said...

The Talking Heads are awesome! Obviously coked out and on some kind of psychedelics for every show. How can you go wrong?

I'm pretty open to all kinds of music. I can switch between oldies, classic rock, motown, rap, techno, alternative and jam bands with relative ease.

One thing I cannot do under any circumstance is Country. Country is like poison to my ears. Country can get fucked all the way back south of the Mason Dixon. Basically, DIE A SLOW DEATH, COUNTRY.

Ace said...

Cakes does bring up a great point. F country.

Anonymous said...

I hate most country, but that old timey stuff like Doc Watson or Ralph Stanley is great. Basically the soundtrack to O Brother Where Art Thou.

Talking Heads is great. David Byrne is weird and likely not human, but the guy can make music.

Big Tymerz 4 lyfe though. I also wish Lil Wayne would stop fucking around and die already. He has came so close!

Ide

Anonymous said...

G$-I thought you always hated the Dave Matthews Band. I understand your feeling that they don't have the musical integrity of Warrant or Ratt or the 80's hair metal you like. I don't listen to DMB all that often, but as someone who occasionally smokes grass, there are 6 records they have that I love from start to finish.

I have been to a lot of concerts in my day & and seeing the Dave Matthews Band live is an experience that is unmatched, outside of the Stones.

Zeppelin sucks! The Doors suck!

The Beatles are without a question the greatest musical group of all time. This is Not debateable.

Burke

The Iceman said...

Drew is probably at home sitting on a frozen bag of peas and recovering from the anal wreckage Prime served him up on Twitter last night. It was a blood bath.

The Iceman said...

Smokes grass. That phrase LOLs me every time.

Brady said...

"I hate most country, but that old timey stuff like Doc Watson or Ralph Stanley is great. Basically the soundtrack to O Brother Where Art Thou."

Agree with this 100%. I don't really consider the old time/bluegrass type stuff Country. O Brother Where Art Thou is one of the greatest movies/soundtracks of all time. Johnny Cash and some old Willie Nelson are perfectly acceptable.

The Doors do not suck. "Morrison Hotel" is a thing of beauty.

Prime99 said...

Someone should talk Tiesto into doing a Doors/Zepplin mash up so Cakes' head will explode.

Speaking of Tiesto, I set up ticketing for a show of his at my former job and let me tell you, it was an awful time. The promoters involved in the EDM game are the worst, (dirty as fuck) and the drugged out dickholes that attend the shows are even worse than that.

EDM is awful. I'd rather take ecstasy and listen to an upstairs old lady neighbor bang a broom handle on the floor. Pretty much the same thing.

The Blackhawks just scored again.

Brady said...

Whoa, lay off of my man Tiesto! Dude knows how to throw a party. My head about exploded from excitement when I saw him at Rain in the MGM Grand. It was one of the best nights of my life. The show at EMU was no joke either.

I have no doubt that EDM fringe people are the worst but I'm sure that can be said for many genres of music. Entitled hangers-on are no different across the musical spectrum.

Yes, I would like to hear a doors/zeppelin Tiesto mash up.

PS- drugged out dickholes are everywhere.

Anonymous said...

Nate- I have NEVER listened to Amy Grant! That was Alonzo Glanzo.

Ide- hating DMB must a recent revelation as you spent 2 months convincing me to go see them in cincinnatah a couple yrs ago.

Buke

GMoney said...

Cakes loves Taylor Swift. That is all.

I have no idea what Tiesto and EMD are. The former sounds like mexican food and the latter sounds like a school that comes to your gym in the preseason to lose by 80 and collect a paycheck.

While I do respect hair metal because they have the BEST stories from the road, I'm more of a "whatever Dave Grohl is involved in" fan.

Nate said...

Well, I wish I would have knew it was Glanz and not you.

Now the whole world thinks you're into soft Christian pop.


Not to worry - I know for sure you never put peanut butter on the wrist.


Grumpy said...

John Lee Hooker is the greatest of all time. Boom Boom.

Prime99 said...

EDM is Electronic Dance Music.

Tiesto is a DJ.

Dave Grohl is the best.

GMoney said...

Nate is killing it today! Burke is more of a Richard Marx or Michael W. Smith kind of guy. Those two used to get him all fired up before smashing his neighbor's pumpkins.

Glanzo is the Henry Co. K-9 cop. I expect Henry Co. to now lead the nation in drugs.

Anonymous said...

G$,

You actually will be buying Nate a drink next Saturday, because we are having a cash bar. The jokes on you!

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Burke, no where did I state that I hated them. In fact the second comment of the day was me saying how I liked them. You cannot pass if you smoke the grass.

I have a pretty funny Tiesto story that I don't really feel like typing out. I will one day, and it will be hilarious.

Ide

GMoney said...

Don't you bullshit me. No one gets married in the Four County area without an open bar. You can stuff your sorrys in a sack, mister.

Brady said...

"I have a pretty funny Tiesto story that I don't really feel like typing out. I will one day, and it will be hilarious."

Looking forward to this. Any teasers?

Ace said...

If the reception is cash bar then I am walking down the isle with my wiener hanging out of my zipper.

Anonymous said...

In that case, Ace, everybody better bring their magnifying glasses.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

To be clear, it was my fiancé's family's decision. They wanted to limit the binge drinking, so they insisted on a cash bar. If it were up to me everyone would be required to take a shot when they walk in the door.

-Lil' Strut

Ace said...

LS, there should be a blog/groomsmen exemption.

Anonymous said...

I'm just fucking with you. My family was in charge of the alcohol. If you have ever been to an event hosted at my parents' house, there is always a fine selection of alcohol. There will be plenty of beer, wine, Jack, Captain, and Vodka. If you leave sober, you just didn't want it bad enough.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

On that note, we do have hotels available within crawling distance and I would encourage everyone to take advantage of that on Saturday.

-Lil' Strut

Ace said...

LS, that is some fine trolling right there. You should have waited a couple hours.

GMoney said...

You had me a little nervous there for a brief moment, LS, since I know nothing about your future in-laws. I didn't want to have to murder them on their daughter's wedding day.

But then I realized that there is no way that your mom and dad would allow that to happen because they are ELITE people. Plus no one wants to see Ape's little ape. It's bad enough that he's sending me text pics of shits that he takes.

The Iceman said...

Tiesto is for Eurotrash X-dropping faggots who go to rave parties to see how many dicks they can suck before the lights come up. Go fuck your own ass with the package of glow sticks you bought at Party City USA last week. Jesus Christ...I can't believe grown fucking men actually listen to this shit. And you've never heard of this crap G$ because you have testicles. I had to Google what the fuck Tiesto was a month ago when I saw Cakes getting hard about this dude's psychedelic light show on Facebook.

Anonymous said...

Or just not have said anything at all and have them looking straight dumb fo real when they got there.

That Tiesto story involves mountains, faggots, drugs, waffle house, alcohol, a weird moment in a bathroom, and if memory serves, nazi's. But it's a long one that would require some backstory and the worst college relationship ever told. I think I touched on this relationship before, as it's something I would have mentioned here.

Ace said...

In regards to the poo pic, I thought it was appropriate to send to you given the religious debate here last week since when it found its resting place in the toilet it strongly resembled a cross. Or as you pointed out, the Atlanta Hawks logo. I think I can go big time with my poo art.

Anonymous said...

"Tiesto is for Eurotrash X-dropping faggots who go to rave parties to see how many dicks they can suck before the lights come up."

Ok, that actually scarily accurate.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I thought about letting it ride for a couple hours, but I know how the commenting shuts down at about 4 or so. I didn't want my guests' decisions on gift giving to be based on the thought that they should be conserving assets for a cash bar. Also, not that you guys would have contributed, but there will be no dollar dance or dash for cash. Nor will there be the chicken dance or other gay line dancing. Just a good meal and a lot of booze. You are welcome.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I appreciate all of those things, LS. I assume that you hired the DJ from my wedding AKA the greatest DJ of all time?

She$'s sister: Can you play (some song) that my husband and I had our first dance to?
DJ: No.

God, he was terrible. I am so glad that he made my wedding memorable though. All DJs should remove articles of clothing throughout the night.

Prime99 said...

I learned the hard way through work what Tiesto is. Me, as a musician who listens to loud, ear damaging music often, could not take being in the building (not inside the actual hall, but an office in the outer part of the building.) My eardrum was vibrating uncomfortably the whole time. I will never be the same.

Ace said...

G$, I still talk about your wedding DJ whenever people ask about wedding DJ recommendations. That guy was fucking awesome. I think he was making his own show: Punk'd Weddings. I bet he has reels of footage of angry/disturbed wedding goers that he jerks it to nightly.

Unfortunately, he didn't seem intelligent enough to troll so hard so I can't give him that credit. What a horrible human being.

Make Money Online said...

Awesome. At at least you guys get the chance to hang around together for sometime. We generally don't get the concerts to go and have some fun lately.