Monday, May 20, 2013

It's Time To Angel-Proof The Game

WHERE'S MY CRACK AT, YO!!!
Well, I’m just going to write this post on Friday and hope that it remains somewhat relevant through the weekend (it will). I know that after crushing many brew-dogs with BRAHs on Saturday night and then driving back home yesterday, I’m not going to want to get out the old blogging binder on Sunday. I was thinking about live-blogging LS’s wedding reception but how many times do you want to read:

8:44 – Dut enters restroom followed closely by strange looking man who does not appear to be an invited guest.
8:45 – Mr. Ace enters restroom
8:52 – Random man exits with goofy smile on face and hair askew
8:53 – Here comes Dut licking his lips and counting a small wad of cash
8:54 – Mr. Ace exits with wide eyes and giant erect clitoris that you can see through his soy-based slacks

I don’t want to do that. So instead, you get this. You all know me as someone who will defend the job that umpires do. It isn’t easy. If you aren’t right 100% of the time, you’re never going to hear the end of it. But it’s getting to the point in MLB that things have to change. While 95% of these guys are really good at their jobs, the other 5% are ruining it for everyone. It’s sort of like that gun control argument we had here a few months ago. A few can and will spoil it for everyone. And they have. It’s time to expand instant replay already.

We all know that Angel Hernandez (who is somehow a crew chief this year) is shit. Fieldin Culbreth and his crew didn’t even know the rules in Houston last week which led to a suspension*. CB Bucknor is always considered to be one of the worst. John Hirschbeck purposely antagonized Bryce Harper so he could throw him out and teach him a lesson (what lesson…no one knows). Joe West is fucking ass. Enough is enough. Fuck your feelings and your extreme hatred of being “shown up”. It’s about getting EVERY call right. It’s actually time to get every call right.

*During a series in Houston between the Angels and Astros, Houston manager Bo Porter let his pitcher warm up in the 7th inning only to take him out before the first batter came to the plate in the inning. This is against the rules as it is a stall tactic and a MASSIVE waste of time for a sport that already wastes more of it than they should. The inning just ended—why isn’t your next relief pitcher ready? The umpires allowed it. Mike Scioscia got tossed over it. MLB apologized for the crew being fucking stupid and not knowing what the goddamn rules are that they are paid well to enforce.

Here is my proposal for enhancing instant replay while still keeping the same system in place now. First of all, you get an MLB official not affiliated with any team up in a booth at each stadium with access to all camera angles. He does nothing unless notified. Second, you allow each manager one challenge per game. These can not be used for balls and strikes. They can be used for safe/out, pulled foot, catch/no catch, appeals…whatever, just not on pitches. The manager comes out and challenges a call, the crew chief puts on a headset to talk to the man in the booth, and the man reviews the play. It would take MAYBE 2 minutes and would make everyone feel better. Plus, you know, THEY WOULD GET THE CALLS RIGHT without worrying about the umpire’s feelings which should not be considered anyway.

Like I said, most of these guys do a great job but it seems like the worst umpires also double up as the most arrogant. Jim Joyce had one of the greatest fuck-ups of all time but he owned it like a man and I think that most people respect him now because he was contrite and we are a forgiving society. But Angel misses an easy home run call and not a peep of remorse from him and there never will be. And that’s fucked up. In conclusion, it’s time that MLB does the right thing and uses all of this technology that we have access to and end the drama caused by subjective calls. Before I go, how about a quick personal umpiring story from me!

Well, my high school season is over and it is time for the much more lucrative summer baseball schedule to commence. My last games of the year were a varsity DH between a 6 win team and 1 win team. It was not good baseball. But it did provide a situation that I had never seen before. The one win team’s 8 hitter was batting in the second inning and he was not good. He missed the first two pitches by a combined six acres. Staring at an 0-2 count, the pitcher was in his wind-up when someone from the batter’s team yelled from the dugout, “YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!” I should mention that he yelled this AT HIS TEAMMATE THAT WAS BATTING. I started laughing before the pitch got to the plate as did the catcher. The kid swung and missed as expected. He did not look happy. It was hilarious. I have never seen anything like that ever.

OK then, if you have some thoughts on my replay proposal, the general state of umpiring, my story at the end, or Li’l Strut’s hopefully fun wedding then feel free to discuss while Ide holds off on his fire-breathing until noon-ish. YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!

45 comments:

Grumpy said...

Severed heads are better than baseball.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the kid does have a small penis?

LS wedding details?

Red Wings.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Umpire problens amirite?

Fun story to start the day. So I bust out a quick and nasty 3.1 today, because training, and head into the multipurpose room to do some stretching/abs. The only other person in there is this insanely hot girl in yoga pants. So the stage is clearly set for me to make an ass of myself. I will meet this challenge.

Second exercise in I tweak my hamstring. This leaves me in a blinding amount of pain. I spend the next 10 minutes rolling around on the ground fighting screaming like a bitch.

Ill be ready for Saturday.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Grumpy, for the 100th time, we get it. You dont like baseball.

Severed heads are better than Grumpy everyday.

Seal

GMoney said...

Severed heads are better than almost anything OBVZ.

I really hope that Commenter Daniel shows up today to discuss the fact that he got banned from giving his best man speech for being too drunk. First time that I've ever seen that happen. Your wife must have been very happy. Good times though.

GMoney said...

Gosh, I'm sorry, he was also dragged back to his hotel room almost immediately after dinner as he was apparently speaking like a Grand Wizard. I didn't get a chance to talk to him (other than yelling Go Bills at him) but I imagine that it was ELITE.

Ace said...

I had to walk commenter Daniel out of the reception to get him some fresh air. It was pretty apparent from there that he wasn't in any shape to be in attendance anymore, let alone give a speech. I hear that the exchange between he, his parents, and his wife during his brief time at the reception were quite painful. That guy. No food + shots Jameson + beers + nervous about speaking in front of everybody= BEST BESTMAN EVER.

Great times.

Nate said...

Daniel. Poor Daniel.

From our discussions on the partybus, his speech was shaping up to be one of the GOAT.

It's a shame his demons got the best of him.

Brady said...

That is amazing! I've never seen the best man kicked out of a reception. I look forward to hearing more about that.

I'm all for more replay in baseball. I'm not sure the challenge idea would go over too well with the PURIST but something needs to be done. Having another ump in the booth to look at questionable calls would save tons of time. Watching them huddle up and try to decide if they are even going to look at it is fucking stupid. It really wouldn't take too much effort to get the call right in a acceptable amount of time.

Isn't Grumpy supposed to be a baseball honk given his advanced age?

Windians.

Nate said...

Ace,

I was very disappointed nobody else was there to hear Baby Buke personally thank Daniel's father for telling him to "spell the sonuvabitch right next time".

Nancy looked on with astonishment as Grant had to painfully explain to both her and Tom the full story, detail for detail.

GMoney said...

Cakes, all of those purists will be dead within the next few years so fuck 'em. I don't know how anyone could be against expansion and thus admitting to being on #TeamAngel.

I kind of got the cold shoulder for drinking too much. I was told that I turned down a slice of Marco's Pizza MULTIPLE times. I don't know why I would do such a thing. I had to have been really hammered for that to happen.

Nate said...

Anybody have advice on how to make time pass when you've given your two weeks notice, but still coming in to work?

Anonymous said...

Jerk off vigorously in the john.

I need a full recap of this event. Daniel is aces in my book. It's also good to know that no matter how old we get, we can continuously lower the bar for ourselves/each other. I look forward to public urination in and around Iceman's wedding.

Ide

GMoney said...

The inquiries and mystery revolving around the identity of Your Biggest Stan was a hot topic. The verdict remains unknown although Dut was accusing one of or former writers of being that but I don't think so. Stan comes off as a meat eater to me.

Anonymous said...

Daniel sounds like he made Bills fans all around proud. I can only imagine the disgust he must have received from many sides.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Watching him stumble around the parking lot as a means to regain some semblance of composure before giving his speech was a true joy. It obviously did not work. Fortunately, Big Strut and Nate B did a good with their speeches. Somehow, LS is such a pimp that he had three best men so it was easy to shit-can one of them before he got up there and went on a tangent about Jim Crow Laws.

Brady said...

Turning down Marcos multiple times is a mystery to me. I'm not sure what kind of drunk you would have to be for that to happen.

Jerking off vigorously in the John made me LOL and is an excellent start to my vacation week. Well done, Ide.

Iceman is turning into a bridezilla already. He's text stalking me about tux measurements. I'll get them to you when I'm good and ready, asshole! Besides, you can already look up Cloony's measurements online and just go with those.

Talking like a Grand Wizard at a wedding may be the most ELITE thing I've ever read.

Damman told me via Twitter that he is all in on the Indians now. The Bandwaggon is starting to get full. Still a spot for you though, Seal.

Nate said...

Here's a full recap:


3:30pm - groomsmen leave church. Daniel in very good spirits, but anxious that he doesn't have a speech ready.

3:45pm - bridal party on bus. Daniel starts asking for ideas for his speech. Nobody really offers anything of value, which probably makes Daniel even more nervous.

4:00pm - Daniel offers an idea for his opening line. Goes something like this "I just flew in from Columbus. Boy are my arms tired". All groomsmen voice their support and promise their applause. Daniel doesn't believe us.

4:30pm - With a visibly sweaty Daniel in tow, the bridal party arrives at the Okolona Tavern. Nobody witnesses Daniel doing anything out of the ordinary, but it is suspected that Daniel remained on the bus with the lone bottle of Jameson.

5:15pm - We arrive at our last place of destination before the hall - McDonald's. It has been a tradition at several of our weddings, to stop at a McDonald's right before the reception so that the best men can urinate somewhere that shouldn't be urinated on. I choose the sink, Daniel chooses the trashcan. Daniel's confidence may have been shaken for fear of getting walked in on.

5:45pm - party arrives at the hall for announcement. We all take our seats. Daniel harrasses the DJ, wanting to know how long until the speeches. DJ says ten minutes after last person receives meal.

6:00pm - bridal party is served. I glance over to see Daniel receive his plate from the serve, in which he responds to firmly place his face on the table.

6:45pm - The DJ arrives at the table to inform us that only two of the three best men will be speaking. I look over to see Daniel is gone.

Ace will have to fill you in on the rest.

GMoney said...

The extra G in Brady's bandwagon stands "God, are we a fucking retarded fanbase or what?".

Jim Nantz thinks that pissing all over a McD's restroom for no apparent reason is a tradition unlike any other. That is awesome.

Anonymous said...

The bandwagon is indeed getting full! Windians!

I can sympathize with Daniel. Burke and I did four shots of jäger in the parking lot of G$'s reception to help take some of the edge off for our speeches and it worked quite well. I only wish I could have done a face plant into my food though.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Daniel needs to be in the running for man of the year. Between his ELITE best man duties and his spot on world views, this guy can do no wrong. He also brings privacy glass for his laptop to auction drafts. He is aces in my book.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Daniel needs to be in the running for man of the year. Between his ELITE best man duties and his spot on world views, this guy can do no wrong. He also brings privacy glass for his laptop to auction drafts. He is aces in my book.

Ide

Ace said...

Well.

5:55 Daniel is over at his parents and wifes table begging for somebody to make him feel better. He says he is going to cry. Nobody at the table cares.

6:10 Daniel gets up and is stumbling all over the place. I grab him and take him outside. Some lady is out there and wants to help. Daniel repeatedly asks her who the fuck she is. She still helps. I get him some water.

6:20 Daniel is somehow continuing to get more drunk while chugging alcohol. He asks for his wife. I get his wife. Daniel is still questioning random ladies presence.

6:30 I come in and tell LS that Dan is in no shape to do anything other than pass out and tell racist jokes. LS dismisses him of his co-bestman duties. I go tell Dan he doesn't have to worry about a speech.

6:45 Dan and wife are gone, presumably back at the hotel passed out before the speeches even begin.

8:15 Daniel's wife texts me to thank me and random lady for helping. Asks god for help(no joke).

I am sure there is more there, but I was pretty bombed as well, but handled my liquor like a man. Hopefully pictures will start to leak out.

Ace said...

That should read

6:20 Daniel still continues to get drunk after chugging water and semen.

Nate said...

The only thing better than Daniel asking Joy Edwards "Who the fuck are you?" is Tom Dye's total lack of empathy for a son who is on the brink of tears.

God, I love that man.




GMoney said...

"Asks God for help"...he is the only being that could help Dan. To be honest, I really wanted to hear his speech but getting relieved of his duties is just as great. While I don't recall any minorities at the reception (good inviting, LS!), Dan may have decided to make things uncomfortable for Etoll.

Brady said...

The extra g is for... Fuck I don't know. I blame my ELITE iPad typing skills.

I'm really enjoying the timeline wedding recap. It sounds like a great time! Giving a speech sucks. I had to give a drunk one at my buddy's wedding. I got through it but it wasn't anything to brag about. I feel for Daniel but he did the only thing that could to get him out of it. Props!

Daniel said...

The pressure of being #3 got to me, and I crumbled. I may need to go back to my roots as an Usher to get my confidence back up to potentially be a groomsman some day for the wave of second weddings my friends will inevitably have in about 10 years.

Thanks Ace for telling on me. I knew you were gunning for #3, but I did not think you would stoop so low.

In my defense, I was not slamming liquor in excess of what everyone else was doing. It was a combination of being anxious about the speech, drinking, and not eating all day that ultimately did me in.

Ace said...

I don't know what you mean by "thanks for telling on me"...but you're welcome either way.

LS did ask if I wanted to give a speech in your place. But I declined because I would have just stood up there and made fun of you.

A couple of the bridesmaids definitely thought that Dut and Andy were a couple. I got great enjoyment out of that.

Cousin Daniel was way cooler than Commenter Daniel.

Anonymous said...

To be clear, Dan was not kicked out. It simply said he did not have to speak after it was apparent that he couldn't stand. His wife then made the executive decision to take him out, I think. Nate's speech had my father in law in tears from laughing so hard. Nate opened up by calling me out for claiming I was the father of his first born son in front of 330+ people. Conveniently enough, his 4 year old son was my ring bearer and sitting right next to me. The speech only got better from there. Big Strut did surprisingly well, too. All in all, it was a great night.

Cousin Daniel was a dark horse for best groomsman. He went from relative unknown to having all the bridesmaids, including the married ones, hanging on his every word, to making out with my wife's cousin on the dance floor.

Lil Strut

Nate said...

If it comes out that Cousing Daniel ended up banging the bridesmaid, I vote for his immediate rise to #1 in your final power rankings.

Daniel said...

I believe that a post-Wedding final Power Ranking is in order.

Prime99 said...

Co-best men? America: where everyone gets a trophy.

Daniel's performance was certainly ELITE.

I'm only ok with G$'s umpiring idea if he is one of the booth umps. That would be a sweet job.

Congrats to the Red Wings for beating the 'Hawks for the first time since January 14, 2012.

Brady said...

Raburn, bottom five player, just jacked a three run bomb to the bleachers. Gomes follows with another to go back to back. Windians! I may start day drinking for this one. Being on vacation is awesome.

Sounds like an amazing wedding, LS. Congrats again.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Brady.

Lil Strut

Anonymous said...

Men don't congratulate other men. Sportsmanship is for pussies.

I love that Daniel's way out of an anxiety ridden speech was to drink/panic himself blind. ELITE way to save face, brah!

I would've like to have heard some of those racist jokes, however.

Ide

GMoney said...

LS, don't you sugarcoat it. Just tell everyone that you threatened to call the FBI on Dan.

I forgot about Nate telling everyone that you were the father of his first born son. That was some mighty fine jokemanship.

Yes, random people asking if Dut and Andy K were fucking each other was pretty terrific. I'm pretty sure that everyone answered that questions with a resounding YES.

LS is taking time out of his just begun honeymoon to comment here. That's dedication to a great site. SUCK SHIT, STAN!!!

Are we talking about dragons today or what? Because I really want to type my reply with my still throbbing erection...MELISANDRE OWNS!

Nate said...

Andy's fucking Dut?

I guess that officially makes it a Love Triangle.

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, I forgot about DRAGONS.

Probably because the episode was a bowl full of meh.

I'm told that there are clues and hints galore about shit going down, so it probably wasn't wasted, but still.

Hound + Arya = Fun! I'm a big fan of these two together, and hopefully some big things happen.

Everything is coming up Seaworth. When this show is all over, I want the Onion Knight ruling the entire kingdom. Between his black man reading ability and calling out Stannis to get out of jail, the guy is awesome.

Melisandre was tits. Literally, which was great. Leeches on cocks are not great, and nor should have been used. ITS THE SAME BLOOD! Poor Gendry. Also, that had to be the dumbest use of sex in the show's history, however, it was enjoyed greatly.

Samwell Tarly and that whore. Nope, still don't care. Good zombie time though.

Danaerys storyline was ok. She got to be a badass yet again in front of those homoerotic warriors. Also, ELITE nudity scene. Good to know that she hasn't gotten too big to show it all. That fag Daario should be a good addition to Dany's stable of badass motherfuckers.

The wedding. Tyrion completely owned last night. By showing up commenter Daniel in glorious fashion, he made a wedding actually awesome. Lannisters vs Tyrells is now a go, and I love how stupid Cersei is. Joffrey might have been the GOAT last night, though. That weaselly little shit mocking Sansa's dead father and taking away the step stool were a couple of real varsity asshole moves. I loved it. Tyrion threatening to cut his cock off before making everyone feel bad for himself was a pretty big holy shit moment.

Good to know that 14 year olds can and will get fucked on that show.

No Theon torturing was not fun. They better pick that back up next episode.

They are apparently taking next week off which infuriates me more than ever, but at least there will be plenty of Arrested Development to watch.

Ide

GMoney said...

Melisandre has the best body on the show. NO ONE DENIES THIS! She even overshadowed Dany who I had been jonesing for since season one.

I damn near quit the show after that final scene. That zombie could have easily killed them all but instead got made a bitch by some lardo who can't even start a fire. KILL SAM.

Onion Knight reading was great and that guy is a terrific actor. He's no Tywin or Tyrion but he is probably the third best overall actor on the show.

The Joffrey/Dwarf troll battle was dynamite. Taking away his stool was major LULZ.

I needed to see way more of the Second Sons whore. She looked to have a lot to offer under the minimal amount of clothes that she was wearing.

Best nudity episode of the series???

Ace said...

Yes, Nate's speech was top notch. Bravo, sir.

I missed cousin Daniel doing his thing with a bridesmaid. Which one was it? How did I miss this? What a great human being.

I woke up that next morning wearing a t-shirt like a skirt, with the neck hole around my waist, and pissed thru the arm hole. Pretty impressive stuff.

Nate said...

Ace,

It was the bridesmaid who objected to you talking about "Jenna on Jenna".

GMoney said...

All weddings need conversations about Jenna On Jenna (I believe that is Haze and Jameson, correct?).

Speaking of which and I was talking rather loudly about this during the reception, Showtime is airing a replay of the 2013 AVN Awards right now (hosted by Jesse Jane and Asa Akira). I only caught the first ten minutes before the NyQuil kicked in and they brought out some rap asshole to perform, but Evan Stone interviewing people on the red carpet was as great as you could imagine.

Prime99 said...

I thought the episode was fantastic with all the nudity, dick leeches, severed heads, Joffrey's rape threats, Tyrion's dick cutting threats, and the fact that Dragonglass makes White Walkers fall apart, it was a solid episode. That said, episode 9 has traditionally been the best episode each season, so the next one should be sick.

GMoney said...

No Iceman today? Stan is in his head. He is sooooo Stan's bitch.