Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Indianapolis BRAH Hundred

 "I'm gonna get so much fucking hillbilly head today..."

While most of you were spending National BBQ day honoring it the way it was meant to by getting loaded, grilling animal flesh and ignoring all things military, I decided to do things a little different for myself this year.  Since I've never been to a NASCAR or Indycar race before and have heard from numerous buck toothed hillbillies how life changing something like that is, I went to the one man I knew could help me out.  I Facebooked Dut since I know he is a proud NASCAR season ticket holder and has racing hookups all over the country.  He came through like a champ.  So I dusted off my best pair of nut hugging wranglers, grabbed my cleanest wrinkled cut off Al Unser t-shirt and headed for Indianapolis for a night of race car shenanigans.  Here's what happened.

Iceman: This place smells like rat piss.

Local: Sure does, stranger...just the way us locals like it.

Iceman: Is it to keep people like me as far away as possible?

Local: Actually we have a pretty pristine reputation to uphold.  Indiana is currently top 5 worst states to live in and we would like to keep it that way.  So we do things like purposely make it smell like the inside of a hooker's poop chuter and sign professional athletes like Tyler Hansbrough.

Iceman: AFFletes...

Local: Excuse me?

Iceman: Nevermind...I heard Hansbrough still has a paper route.

Local: That's true.  I get my paper from him every day at 1PM.  Just like clock work.  He loves it when I tip him in Fun Dip.  That kid is more reliable than my sister's ovulation cycle...

Iceman: Why do you know your sister's ovulation cycle?

Local:  Hey look!!  It's Jim Harbaugh!  Let's get closer so we can get an autograph...

/we're able to get just close enough to hear the following conversation

Jim Harbaugh: So you fuck wads brought me all the way down here to drive this broke down shit box around a track?

Official: Jim, this is a huge honor.  One of the highest in all of sports.

Jim: You call this shit a sport?  Anything you can do while jacking your bone isn't a sport, jiz rag.  And don't "huge honor" me, dick wart.  I saw you fuckers let that frosted haired cum queen from the Food Network drive last year.  What's his name...Guy Fiero or some shit?

Official: You masturbate while you drive??

Jim: Only every God damn fucking day, fart cock.  Who the fuck doesn't is the better question?  I think that's pretty standard around America, gents.  Driving while bating is as American as dick slapping beaner spicks for no fucking reason at all.

Official: Well....there will be no "bating" as you so eloquently put in while driving the pace car today, Jim.

Jim: I'm at least steering the car with my piss rod while out there today.  It would be very un-Harbaugh not to.  The world needs to know how my fuck pole will leave stretch marks on any mouth that attempts to suck it.  Male OR female.  A BJ's a BJ amiright??

Official: You will not be doing that, Jim.  That's inappropriate even for the racing world...

Jim: You guys are faggots.  This is some grade A horse shit.  You dil-rods suck more than Crean-Pie sucks my sister Joanie's veiny sausage.  You know why we call him Crean-Pie, right?  Because in college he paid frat guys to blow their load in his asshole so he could fart sperm bubbles.  He did pretty well, financially.

Official:  What in THE hell is the matter with you, boy?!  I've never heard such filth in my life.

Jim: Toughen up, Helen Keller.

Official: Why did you just call me that?

Jim: Because you're a retarded pussy cunt who makes loud groaning noises while getting your anus crushed from behind.  Lighten the fuck up and just tell me when all these homos get to kiss the dick...and by THE dick I mean MY dick.

Official: I'm not sure if I know what you're talking about...kiss the dick.

Jim: Oh don't you fucking dare hold out on me.  That queer little tradition you butt stains have here after the winner crosses the finish line?  Kiss the dick.  Why the fuck do you think I agreed to do this to begin with?  I never pass on a chance to get the ol' thunder hammer some sex action.  Guy OR girl.  Not because I'm gay, but only because I have a top shelf imagination and can always picture a big tittied whore working my shaft.

Official: Are you referring to "Kiss The BRICK"?

Jim: I've never called my hog a brick before but I'm certainly not opposed to it...

Official: No, no, no.  Brick.  Like what houses are made of.  Like Yellow Brick Road.


Official: Seriously??  BRICK!  Like brick and mortar?!  What someone yells when a basketball hits nothing but backboard?!



Jim: Well that's rather disappointing to hear.  Well then let's get this fucking waste of time over with so I can go get Big James some much needed attention.  How are the hookers around here?  Fresh?

Official: Get in the God Damn car, drive the lap, and get the fuck out of here.  I never want to see you back here again.

Jim: With pleasure, shit stain.  This place smells like rat piss anyway...

Local: /turns to me.  Told you, man.  Gotta keep that stinky street cred.

At that point I moved back to my seat and sat down just in time to see John Harbaugh surprise Jim by running up and shoving Jim's head into his freshly shaven mangina for at least seven seconds.  There was an uncomfortably long embrace that followed while John's pants were still down.  I then proceeded to crush a thousand Milwaukee's Best with the locals until I passed out in the back of some stranger's mobile home.  I was able to escape before they invited me for breakfast that most certainly would have consisted of corn flakes and Jager.

There is nothing further to report from Indianapolis but as you can see...it was pretty eventful.  Don't forget to ask G$ about his improbable run to zombie victory lane this past Saturday.  It was pretty impressive to say the least.  He was the Daryl of the group.  Jordan was Rick.  I, sadly, was TOTES Dale as I barely made it into the second season mile before getting my guts torn out.  And Luke was T-Dawg.  Just when you thought he was gonna make it...zombie from behind ends his run.  Ide was an unknown character who's footage never made it past the cutting room floor.  Because he never showed.  Be sure you get his HILARIOUS excuse as to why he bitched out the morning of race day.  It's pretty choice.


Grumpy said...

Ide upside out? Let's hear from the man himself.

The Iceman said...

Prepare to laugh, Grumpy.

Prime gets his revenge on Drew. Game 7!!! Who's it gonna be?

GMoney said...

I'm a big fan of Big James and the Jimmy reaction shots. BRAH be confused by such prude behavior!

Driving a motor vehicle with penis is also known as The Tommy Lee.

Let me get through my morning load of work shit and I will regale all with my re-telling of me going HAM, BEAST MODE, and HAND DOWN MAN DOWN on the undead.

LOL Wings...you done!

GMoney said...

Also: excellent callback to the days where Dut was bragging about meeting Carl Edwards. That was major LULZ.

Speaking of that groomed-stubbled weirdo, you should have seen him on Saturday night. Hoo boy.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at how big of a pussy Drew is - always the first to post when his team wins and never shows his face after a loss.

I love the BRAH's.


Jeff said...

Another good episode of the BRAHs. Surprised Stangina didn't get an invite to the 500 for a rusty trombone from Jimmy.

Two game 7s in two nights. SICK!! Go NUGGLEHAWKS!!! and Sharks!

Mr. Ace said...

Spurs, bitches.

Jimmy BRAH totes jerks it pregame, halftime, and postgame into Alex Boone's Skoal.

I WANT ZOMBIE RUN STORIES! And Drew and Prime to square off in a comments shoot out.

Brady said...

Love when the Brah's make an appearance.

Rumor has it that Iceman was caught during the zombie run. DETAILS PLZZZ!

Prime99 said...

Wings in 5 was a pretty solid prediction? Guess we can look forward to more Bryan Bickell Fatalities.

Nice work on completing the Zombie Run! Those things are tough, so actually surviving is quite the accomplishment.

I agree with G$ on the Jimmy BRAH reaction shots. Those were damn funny.

I love when Cakes makes an appearance after not making an appearance on Friday. Were you too busy to get away from your game of Pin The Feather On Chief Wahoo's Headdress to accept your bday wishes from G$?

Now, back to this whole Game 7 business...

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Slow Seal calling someone out for not posting by 9a.m.

I didn't see a second of the game because my flight from NOLA landed at 11:15 last night. I'm incredibly tired....dehydrated and hungover. Terrible recipe for a work day.


GMoney said...

Like I said, I'm a little busy at the moment (unfortunately) but I've got a long comment coming later this morning. The deets are still fresh in my mind-grapes.

I was a little disappointed that John didn't get to do much at Indy. He was probably double-fisting Ashley Judd or something.

Brady said...

I had no idea of the birthday wish column. I was in the middle of golfing 27 holes and drinking all day. I regret that I missed out on the column.

I was on vacation all week and it's much easier to check the blog when I'm in the office than on my phone. Please accept my apologies. I'm now back to work and ready to discuss brah's, the indians losing ways and not the NBA.

Anonymous said...

You know its bad when the only closer in the league WORSE than Jose Velveeta is Chris fucking Perez. He is the worst.


GMoney said...

Alright Shitbricks, you wanted so here it is...a recap of our zombie fun run in the foothills of Appalachia's Hat.

*I was supposed to meet Ide at 10:30 at the Stube and we would drive there together. He called me at ten till ten and said that he probably was out for the race because he was hit by a huge allergy bomb over the night. As an allergy sufferer myself, I know what that is like. Yet he asked me to call him in ten minutes to see if things changed as if all of a sudden he would stop sneezing or whatever.

*I did and nothing had changed although I found out that the tire on his rental car got slashed over night which he may or may not have blamed he for. He was officially ruled OUT at this point so he paid to run and took a smelly bus from NYC SOLELY for this purpose yet laid down instead. In actuality, the only reason that Ide came was to pay me fantasy baseball dues in person. Nice work.

*Outfit for the race was black 'do rag, cut-off t-shirt, basketball shorts, and lawn mowing shoes that I didn't care if they got ruined. I was a TOTES bad ass as all 'do rag wearers are.

*There were 200+ runners in our wave which made traffic an issue. Right after we began, there was a MASSIVE hill to run up which was about a 60 degree angle for 100 yards or so...not what you wanted to see at the start of the race. As soon as you got to the apex, there was the first hoard of the undead waiting to attack your belt with the three lifelines attached. Many were already exhausted after the climb and were sitting ducks. I think that the four of us all lost a flag during this initial wave of attackers. I know that I also rolled my ankle here which was expected since Dr. Asshole left my ankles in a constant state of pussy-dom. This was not an ideal start.

*Right before we got to mile marker #1, there was another wave waiting for us in the woods. While Iceman compared me to Daryl, I was more like Michonne here as I pretty much started sprinting through by myself but instead of a kitana, I used my preferred weapon of choice...the Barry Sanders spin move. Being down to two flags, I made the executive decision to put them both on my right hip so that I could use my left side as a human shield. It was a great decision. On this 100 yard stretch of zombies, I ripped off THREE consecutive Sanders Spins to the left and came through unscathed. I didn't think that I had these moves in my arsenal but I did and they were breathtaking. I didn't even take any water at the mile marker because I was still in shock at my ELITE RB moves.

*In the second mile, things got harder as there were zombies waiting on the hill inclines this time which made things infinitely harder. I had some asshole try to chase me up the hill but my Bolt-like quickness eluded him while I shit-talked him for being a slow-ass pansy.

*I should add here that those people are the fucking worst. When you pass a group, you should be in the clear but there were a handful of zombies that were doing the LeBron chasedown blocks and would come sprinting up from behind to steal flags. Total bitch move and it cost me my second flag right after the second mile marker. It also cost Luke his final flag in mile three and he was rightfully FURIOUS over this.

*In between miles two and three, I ran by some dumb broad zombie who tried to infect me while I screamed "DOOOOOON'T THIIIIIINK SOOOOOOOOOO" while she whiffed. Luke thought that this was great. But after avoiding her, this really fast assfuck came up for the chasedown and to get my last flag. I can say that I outran him to the safezone while shit-talking his sub-par speed and mentioning that the chubby guy just OWNED his ass.

GMoney said...


*At some point around here, Iceman lost his life but was more than willing to help lead block Jordan and I to safety which was admirable. We got to the final wave of zombies with the end in sight. I thought that I had lost my final flag with about 200 yards left on the course which was deflating but Iceman yelled that I was still safe (zombie only ripped my shirt) which gave me a boner.

*On the final leg with 15-20 zombies in the way of glory, Iceman and I discussed strategy. We waited for a big group to take off and decided to head to the left in order to win. We did. He cut left about halfway through while I saw the middle open up like a Napoleon High School football line. I darted through the hole to glory. I got to the ladder which led up to the slide and pool of weirdo pink freezing water. I climbed. I slid. I DID IT. I WON.

*After hopping out of the pool, the only thing left to do was to crawl underneath a fence and through mud which was exactly really hard concrete and little mud. My body is not designed to crawl under things so I lifted my head only to be electrocuted. That was highly unpleasant. I got shocked about 4 times on that ten foot crawl including to the head which BLEW ASS. But I made it. VICTORY.

*Jordan and I got our SURVIVOR medals. Iceman and Luke got INFECTED medals. We went to collect our free celebratory beers after it was over. It was Natty Light and it tasted like shit.

*I wasn't expecting to survive so the fact that I did was awesome and all sorts of ELITE. Best day ever. I felt like my conditioning was fine but the Hills were no fucking joke. Those things were killer.

*I was pissed that at least half of the zombies were not committed to the character. They were high-fiving people and laughing. FUCK YOU. Sell out, you sellouts!

Great time. I would do it again. I am an ATHLETE.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, so I woke up at 9:00, and saw blinding pain in the form of a headache. No biggie, I will just sleep another 30 minutes with a pillow over my head and be good to go. This sleep resulted in no sleep at all but sniffling and feeling like someone used my head as a fleshlight. So I lay around and call G$.

Go back to sleep. Wake up feeling better, the breathing was coming around and the headache was basically gone. My thought process was to completely tune G$ out and sleep in his back seat (yes homo) and get back to 100%. So I go out to my rental car (more on that later) and notice that the back driver side tire was low. Thats odd. Then I notice a massive gash in the side. Like fucking huge. No way I hit anything on that tire, something was amiss. So I called Enterprise, which I should have made G$ do for me, and they could replace it, I just needed to change the tire. At that point the race fell to the back seat.

My entire weekend was a complete bust. Just felt terrible all weekend and still do. The ONLY good thing is that on Sunday I watched the entire Arrested Development season and it was ELITE.

Fun notes about my rental car: 4 days rented, $350 + $50 (lol gas charge) + $100 (deposit) for 54 miles driven.

I'd be more interested in hearing about Dut and Dammans sexual escapades.


The Iceman said...

Jeff...I no longer acknowlege StanGina since we've discovered he's not a real person. Just a pussy commenter's fake persona to hide behind while being a pussy.

My zombie skills were definitely not up to par Saturday. I didn't want to reveal this because I'm not one to make excuses but part of my death can be contributed to the fact that I can't fucking breathe and have about 8 pounds of mucus in my lungs. That shit started Saturday when I woke up and got progressively worse as the day went on but I am a WARRIOR so I ran anyway.

I agree with G$...the amount of zombies breaking character was a total buzz kill. And the fact that we were forced to walk the majority of the time since most of the course was on a fucking hill trail about 4 feet wide was pretty stupes.

Jordan showed off his still ELITE QB skills when the DJ threw a water balloon in the crowd and it didn't break right before our heat. Jordan fired it back from about 30 yards away and nailed him in the leg. That DJ was a tool and from New York so he deserved it.

I was pretty fond of this exchange as well.

Iceman: These hills fucking blow.

G$: We should just name the hills George Hill and go around them like everyone else does. Count it.

This was probably my last zombie run but overall it was still a good time.

GMoney said...

I forgot about my sick and timely George Hill burn. That guy sucks.

The Iceman said...

Agree. Things keeping me watching the Heat/Pacers series.

Tyler Hansbrough - This guy is king of the spazz. Always a great time when he's in the game. I envision him being the guy who stays after practice to do self imposed suicide sprints because he feels the coach didn't work him hard enough. There's no way his team mates like him, right?

Watching Paul George turn into a superstar. This dude is really starting to put it together.

Watching Mario Chalmers bitch like he IS a superstar. Where does this guy get off at all the bitching he does at the refs? I would seriously put Chalmers in the bottom 5 starting PGs in the league. And even that might be too high.

Watching Lance Stephenson thrown up 40 foot 3 point attempts that hit nothing but backboard. I love how hitting one out of ten 3 balls makes him think that he has the green light to shoot from anywhere. Like he's the black Jimmy Chitwood.

Anonymous said...

See what happens when you put in a little effort towards a post? Results. I'mn glad I could be your inspiration.

-Your Biggest Stan

GMoney said...

Hansbrough is definitely a chasedown zombie. There is no doubt about that.

Even though no one is congratulating me (yet) just know that I made you all proud. And I was rewarded with Natty Light and a trip to the electric chair. Those volts may have also caused me to shart in my car after Iceman dropped me off as well. That was a fitting way to end things.

Mr. Ace said...

Video or it didn't happen. I bet you just went to Kahoots and came up with a story together.

GMoney said...

If we made it up, do you really think that Iceman would have settled on being the first one out? He prides himself on how he could handle an apocalypse and is now left second-guessing his entire mindset.

There were a few people wearing those helmet cam-type things but they looked like butt pirates.

Mr. Ace said...

My point exactly, G$. In the sequel Iceman will return and be triumphant in leading the charge against the heard of zombies, while Ide sacrifices himself for the greater good of the group after being such a let down in the attempt. I FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO.

GMoney said...

The problem with your story is implying that Ide could ever be selfless. That isn't happening ever.

Sorry, Bev, but you can't comment here. I don't need another letter from your lawyer.

The Iceman said...

Drop the charade, StanGina. We all know you're a fake. Even though all of the other commenters here that tell me I suck are wrong, at least they have the scrote to tell me under their actual name instead of making up an alter ego to hide behind. That makes you an even bigger pussy than before...which I didn't think was possible.

The Iceman said...

Here's the thing. G$ usually sucks and needs to be knocked down a peg or 17. But when I see an impressive zombie run I will hand out props when deserved. Like G$ said...never would I concoct a story that has me finishing dead last in something I'm clearly awesome at. So Ape's allegation that G$'s victory is made up is LULZ. At least he didn't let pollen get in his way of running. Think about who you're attacking and who you NEED to be attacking.

Anonymous said...

When it comes to dropping out of zombie races, I am teflon. Reference my Chris Paul game. Bitching out > being someone's/zombies bitch.


GMoney said...

Sorry, Ide, had to delete your other comment. There is only ONE name that we literally can not mention on this site as we have been threatened with legal action before (I'm not sure what they could actually do so whatevs) and you inadvertently violated that gag order.

Who you NEED to be attacking is Drew because he is Drew or Dut because I had to watch him disgustingly grope some poor girl on Saturday night right in front of the stage where (I shit you not) this band was CRUSHING Motorhead's Ace of Spades. Nothing revs up Dut's bone like a little Lemmy cover!

Anonymous said...

All I'm saying about dammans girl from Saturday is that she is a Jehovah's Witness, 32 years old, and is still a virgin. She works with the girl I was with on Saturday. I'd give more details, but the crawl for cancer got to me and I can only remember 3% after 6:00 PM. G$ says I was IDE level of obnoxious. If Damman can remember anything he can fill you in on the rest.


GMoney said...

A couple of great quotes at that bar throughout the night:

G$: No, he didn't. It was his knuckle and he'll miss about a month.
G$ - (walks away)

While watching the aforementioned cover Dio's Rainbow In The Dark...

Ide - That is exactly what Prime is doing right now.

Congrats, on your Dio cover band, Prime!!! Man On The Silver Mountain is an ELITE song.

GMoney said...

I'm pretty sure that Jehovah's Witnesses can't/don't/won't drink and I literally watched that girl throw up in a trash can so she is packed with lies and excuses but not dongs.

Prime99 said...

This cover band you watched sounds pretty solid. Did they play Danzig, though?!?

GMoney said...

They didn't and I distinctly remember thinking to myself that if they did I was going to suckerpunch Dut straight to Hell.