Tuesday, May 07, 2013

I See An NFL/NBA Post in Your Future...

 "Predict this future, you psychic dick wart."

Before we do anything today, let me get this angry rant out of the way first.  I fucking hate so called "psychics".  I put that in parenthesis because psychic ability isn't real.  These are the most fraudulent bastards in the history of the world and belong in the same category as online sexual predators and whoever decided to make olives a mainstream food.

I happened to catch a bit of some fat whale of a woman's talk show the other morning on my way through the living room while preparing my journey to hell...AKA, work.  It's a piss pool of a show that (SHOCKING) Wheelz loves.  Maybe Ricki Lake...fuck, I don't know.  Something shitty.  Anyway...there was this dumb fucking whore on the show claiming to have psychic powers.  So they picked two "random" people in their late 50's from the crowd so this clam could display her BREATHTAKING psychic ability.  I put the word random in quotes because I'm certain they were hand selected by this stupid bitch.  The series of questions that followed were absolutely hilarious.  It was bullshit like, "You recently had a close family member inflicted with a serious disease, right?" and "I'm seeing that both of your grandparents are dead...is that right?"  HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!?!?!?!?!  Because you're in your fifties, retard.  It would almost be impossible for your grandparents to still be alive.  Unless they're Chinese.  Those fuckers always live to be a hundred and twenty five.

After the questions were over I found myself shouting obscenities at the TV.  I couldn't believe...well, I could believe actually...that these people could be so brain dead.  Mouths hanging open.  Fucking mesmerized by this fake whore's ability to ask general vague questions and tell them absolutely nothing about people that are dead while making them believe she's actually communicating with people beyond the grave.  Jesus Christ.  It was unreal!  Now I believe in a lot of fucking stupid shit...like zombies.  But come on, man!  Stop being such gullible twats, people.  Assholes like that shouldn't have steady work.  They should be begging for gruel every day in a soup kitchen.  Now that I got that off my chest...we'll do another football post.  And some basketball.

Adrian Peterson is giving me all the reasons in the world to dislike him heavily.  I get confidence.  I even get arrogance sometimes.  But let's keep our feet planted firmly in Realityville, shall we?  Peterson said he's setting the bar this year at 2,500 rushing yards.  He might as well have said he wants to have a kajillion bajillion rushing yards...because neither are happening.  It also needs to be mentioned that he wants to win multiple Super Bowls.  Well, I wonder what team he plans on getting traded to because Christian Ponder is not getting you there, chief.

I think everyone here needs to be reminded of how big of a pussy Derrick Rose is being.  Anyone at this point still defending him also has a hairy beaver of their own instead of a cock pole.  Conjure up any excuse you want for Rose.  Sorry, not buying it when you have a guy on your own team playing through one of the most painful injuries out there.  I know...because I've had plantar faciitis.  It hurts like a God damn motherfucker.  However you feel about Joakim Noah, you have to at least respect what he's been doing.  Rose is burning so many bridges right now and the way he's handling this isn't helping.  He's acting like a fucking child when people continue to ask him when he plans on returning.  And I don't want to hear this bullshit that he's probably tired of getting asked that question and that's why he's being salty balls when asked.  I have a quick solution, buddy...go lace up your fucking Addidas and get your crybaby ass on the court already.  Your team mates are fucking killing themselves for you while you sit back, collect a pay check and wait for your team to get prison fucked by Miami.  You're supposed to be the leader of this team, Rose.  Start acting like it for Christ sake.  I would be pissed the fuck off if that guy was my team mate.

I love how the reasons everyone passed on Geno Smiff in the first round are starting to slowly leak out.  The best one so far is this:

"Smith spent most of his time texting and tweeting on his cellphone during facility visits. "He's going to have a tough time in New York," predicted one NFC scout. "Right now, he's coming off as a spoiled, pampered brat." One club official confirmed to ESPN New York that "the cellphone episode was mentioned and discussed in its draft room while evaluating Smith."

And this one:

"I'm not sure he knows how to take instruction because he pretty much wouldn't listen or talk to our coaches," said one exec. "... You can't tell him anything right now. He's tuned out because he thinks he's got it all down."

New York is going to fucking eat this chump alive.  And it will be glorious.  I wish Smiff would have been a top 10 pick.  Jamarcus Russell is probably TOTES lonely at the top of Bust Mountain.  I seriously cannot wait to watch this total destruction happen.  Geno Smiff seems like a real cock sucker who deserves the worst.

Soooooo, can we start putting Lebron in Michael Jordan's category yet?  Four MVPs in ten years is pretty fucking impressive.  Speaking of NBA awards.  Marc Gasol won defensive player of the year??  How did that shit happen?  That guy is so sloppy and mushy looking I can't imagine him being such a force on defense.  Plus I didn't watch a lot of Grizzly basketball this year.  Can someone stick of for B-Cups Gasol here?  Was he really deserving of defensive player of the year?  Did David Stern accidentally think he was presenting a Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champion trophy?

The Browns continue to destroy my face.  If you want a blue print on how to be a terrible franchise for the better part of 2 decades, well the Browns have kindly laid that out for everyone to copy.  Not only did I read that Jason Campbell and Brandon Weeden are in a "dead heat" for the starting job come game 1, but a guy Cleveland drafted (7th round so who really gives a shit other than the supreme LULZ factor) just got pinched for a DUI.  What makes this story so fucking choice is that while in college, this boob was nabbed not once, but TWICE for selling weed to an under cover cop.  It doesn't stop there, kids.  When pulled over this past Friday, he was trying to purposely sabotage his own breathalyzer test and had to retake it 10 times before finally blowing correctly.  And still blowing over the legal limit.  I guess when he swore he wouldn't let anyone down with this second chance at football, he was just trolling the fuck out of the universe.  Well played, Armonty Bryant.  Your career is officially over.  The Browns are seriously giving me every reason in the world to move to a different team.  I guess I'm just too fucking stupid to actually go through with it.

That's my time here, chili holes.  It's really hard to imagine a day when the Browns are actually good in football again, right?  So God damn depressing.  Maybe I can make an appearance on a turds talk show and ask some super talented psychic to give me the answer of exactly when they'll be good again.  Seriously...I can't put into words how fucking much I hate psychics.  Especially that Long Island Medium cunt.  I would seriously fucking stab her with a fork if she ever approached me in public.  You've been warned, bitch.


Anonymous said...

If you haven't seen it yet...YouTube the interview iwth Charles Ramsey...the guy who called 911 and about the girls that have been missing for a decade in Cleveland and were found last night.


Grumpy said...

Maybe Iceman could go missing for a decade. Would anyone notice?

GMoney said...

I would. I would bitch about it constantly since that would mean full "work" weeks for me. You are not allowed to go missing, Iceman.

Don't ever speak ill of Miss Cleo or that three nipple gypsy from Mallrats again.


I kind of like All Day's swag. Every time he takes a hand off and makes a ridic predic (I just made that up), it makes Rose look worse.

Those missing broads in Cleveland were relieved that they didn't have to witness the Pat Shurmur Era.

The Iceman said...

Happy Gout awareness month, everyone! Jesus Christ...they have a fucking month for everything.

Maybe that's why we haven't heard from Dut in awhile. Maybe he was kidnapped and forced to drill glory holes for 10 years.

ELITE choke job by Golden State last night and even ELITER choke job by Miami. Who needs Derrick Rose when you have NateRob!!!

I watched a show with some chick who was held captive for 10 years. I'm not saying that shit isn't tragic or anything...but no fucking way I'm dumb or pussy enough to be held captive for that long. I'd either escape or die trying after a year of that shit.

Anonymous said...


I predict that you will respond to this with a dick joke that only you think is clever because you used some adjective that you made up. Where's my fucking show?

-Your Biggest Stan

Jeff said...

Stan the Man bringing the heat!!

GMoney said...


I'm not defending Iceman here--just the site itself--when I say that you the viewer do not get to complain about the free content provided that no one is forcing you to read and serves as a distraction from the daily grind. That's not cool. As said many times before, shit ain't easy BRAH.

Bulletpoints can be annoying when they have no flow but DEAL WITH IT. If you don't like the news cycle, do something about it and we'll talk about Stan murdering Andy Dalton or whatever for a week.

While today's post went on and on and on--again--DEAL WITH IT.

GMoney said...

Also, there are only two true trolling topics around these parts and I'm way better at going to them constantly than our Tuesday contributor. Who is he trolling today exactly? Diehard Adrian Peterson fans? Psychics? We don't have many of those come through here ever.

You're worse than Ide. #IcemanStrong

Prime99 said...

Was that Mr. 3000, Stan Ross, from beyond the grave?!

Hey Iceman, stop trolling the Browns so much! LULZ!

My wife watches Long Island Medium from time to time. I too have yelled at the TV with how dumb it is.

The Bulls are tough mofos, except for their "best player." He is still the most talented but the more success the Bulls have, the more I hate Rose and his douche brother. I'm sure it will take 30 seconds of him playing on a real court for me to get over it, but its beyond frustratin now.

Grumpy said...

Fuck you Stan! You're messing with the wrong group of MoFos.

Iceman may be a useless piece of shit, but he's our useless piece of shit.

Grumpy said...

Drew, I saw the Charles Ramsey interview on the Today Show. Dude should get a medal for his actions. He pulled one girl out and alerted the cops to the rest.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Ace said...

MANU GINOBILI YOU CUNT MOTHER FUCKERS!!! Holy shit, he almost lost that game. And I will never disparage Diaw again...at least until Wednesday. This series is OVA!

Stanley is a killa. I do get what he is saying to an extent, though. The dead period(ish) is upon us and it sucks, but weekly bullet posts can be a bit much. As someone who had there own fair share of bulletpoint posts--Feelin' Kinda Mondays were ELITE--I TOTES GET IT THO.

The Browns will always be bad. Let's not talk about them til they make the playoffs/the end of time.

Geno Smiff belongs on the Browns.

Bron needs some more rings.

Spurs bitch.

Jeff said...

Ramsey also said he knew something was wrong when a pretty white girl ran into a black man's arms. Smartest and coon should never be uttered in the same sentence, but I'm debating calling Ramsey one for that statement.

Mr. Ace said...

And in regards to mediums. Psychics fake, talking snakes cool? BOOM.

GMoney said...

It really is remarkable what the Bulls are doing right now. It literally makes no sense. They are being carried by a one-legged dickhead of French descent who shoots like a woman. Hell, they are giving minutes to Daequan fucking Cook! He has no business being in the league still let alone getting playoff minutes.

The only explanation for this is that Tom Thibodeau AKA Tommy Tibs is the best coach in the league.

GMoney said...

And what about The Ghost Whisperer? Does she count? Because Jennifer Love Hewitt will always be hot and large breasted. She can communicate with whoever she wants.

Nate said...

I think a good way to fill in the dead period is to give Burke his own political post every now and then. 70+ comments per day, guaranteed.

Anonymous said...

I had no idea that the authors of these posts were such cunts, especially Iceman. One criticism and youre putting your personal gmail in the comments and challenging some random dude. When you put your work out there for public consumption, you open yourself up to public criticism. Are you defending the garbage that you put out today? You can't be. And I'm not saying your work is garbage, in general. Just that the effort, especially today, has been shit recently. At least to me. And maybe that is okay with you. I am just a guy who stumbled across this site years ago and catch up once a week or so. That is all.

Back to my mothers basement...or your mothers basement.

-Your Biggest Stan

Mr. Ace said...

Derek Rose is a huge gash.

Muggsy Bogues still > Nate Robinson.

How do you teach your dog to clean his ass? He is leaving poop stains on my rug and that shits not cool.

GMoney said...

Stan (hopefully Marsh), we hear what you're saying but I will again say that this isn't easy. You can't polish a turd. If there isn't much going on, we still have a "job" to put something out. When you are a crafty internet veteran as I am, the well of ideas can run dry rather quickly.

I've also never hid from the fact that this site is a dictatorship. I will not be criticized without sending my hired goons out to dispense justice.

If you don't like the topic of the day, just talk about whatever you want to. That's been the rule here forever. Take Ape's last comment for example.

Now that we're all on the same page, Iceman sucks.

A Burke political post is the worst idea of all time. Each sentence would come with its own firearm.

Brady said...

Stan is gayer than two dudes kissing eachother. What's wrong with bullet points? It gives the faithful readers different topics to bitch and moan about. Stan can get fucked.

I totes broke down and watched Golden State choke it away last night. I had to because every mofo on twitter was sucking Curry's dick and I had to see what was going on. I feel ashamed and dirty today.

Is there any better way to get back at a pitcher for smoking you in the neck than hitting a 450 ft blast deep into the night? Mark Reynolds watched it and glared at the pitcher after he hit it to. Oh man, there might be some more fireworks tonight with the A's. Baseball beef is my favorite kind.

Norman Bates getting into Taxidermy seems like a bad idea.

The Iceman said...

I'm sorry. Remind me again who the dick scab who showed up today to troll the fuck out of a post during a slow sports time was. If you're not prepared to get fired back on when you openly criticize someone's work then do us all a favor and shut your fucking blab hole to begin with. Until then...offer stands, dick wad. Lets see your blogging skills. Show us fuckin hacks how it's done.

Brady said...

As someone who tried blogging for two years, I'm amazed that these two fuckers come up with topics EVERY DAY. I had trouble getting two posts up a week, let alone five. Shit is hard to do, especially during non-football months. I definitely appreciate any and all topics that you brah's throw out there for public consumption. Random internet trolls that hide behind an avatar or screen name are the worst.

GMoney said...

Baseball beef is my favorite kind

Uhhh, try watching this Montreal/Ottawa series. It is absolutely BANANAS.

Anonymous said...

Brady - That was by far one of my favorite HR's by an Indian in a while. He pretty much said "fuck you pussy, for throwing at me - I just hit your fastball off the scoreboard". Incredible. Oh and btw, he is leading the league in HR's.

And dare I jinx myself and say El Crapo hasnt been half terrible his last two starts??

Stan is a bitch - keep doin what youre doing Ice/G$. You guys are fucking great.


Prime99 said...

Running a blog is fucking HARD. When I ran either of my former blogs (you were ELITE if you read them) the well would run dry quickly. Then I come up with a gem like the NFL vs. The Jersey Shore and find the topic stolen on a CBS Sports blog a week later. The Internet isn't for the faint of heart.

I miss my own 90s rock Wednesdays. Iceman, feel free to steal that idea when needed. I'll talk Alice In Chains any random Tuesday.

Brady said...

Hockey beef is in a different stratosphere. I'm not really a hockey fan but there is no denying those guys are the baddest motherfuckers on the planet. When the puck drops and EVERYONE just starts fighting, I really don't have words for what that is.

I was under the assumption that playoff hockey didn't have many fights like that. I'm happy I was wrong. I enjoy the bloodlust I get from watching Sportscenter.

The Iceman said...

Stan is LULZ. He thinks he can come here and blast my post and I'll just take it like a dead fish the same way Stan's mom takes it in her double wide. Is this the greatest post? No. But it's something and a way to get some discussion flowing. At the end of the day that's all we're really after. So until you present me with something better Stan...I invite you to shut the fuck up.

Anonymous said...

This Stan guy has moxie, I like him.

Charles Ramsey is the most Cleveland hero of all time. We need to get him an interview pronto.

Steph Curry is a fucking man. Didn't sit out one play and was absolutely crushed in that loss. I felt awful for the guy. You could see he had absolutely nothing left in the tank, but kept making plays.


Mr. Ace said...

So who has downloaded a copy of the teen mom porn already? Sharing is caring.

Charles Ramsey speaks the truf. His interviews are gold.

Stan the Man, reads for multiple years and this is the first time he comments? He must have really fucking hated this post. I bet he's a psychic.

Anonymous said...

Otis Nixon has been arrested for crack!? Best news of the day. His mugshot is ELITE.


Nate said...

Stan seems like the type of guy that would write in YouPorn for the Teen Mom porn being too grainy.

GMoney said...

As someone who tried blogging for two years

WHOA! Hold the phone (whatever that means)! Cakes had a blog? I hope that Stan never came across that piece of shit if he isn't a fan of this site.

For the record, Stan, if you're reading this, thanks for stopping by daily. I truly mean that. I hope that you continue to do so and maybe start commenting daily as a means to defend your honor. Just know that we aren't trying to be Cakes-level bad on purpose. Now if you don't mind, everyone here likes to pile on the insults so I hope you have tough skin against bad ass commenters.

I haven't seen this Chaz Ramsey video yet. I can't wait to get home.

I've only seen the promo vids for Farrah Abraham's sex tape. For being on Teen Mom, she looks way better than I expected.

Mr. Ace said...

I tried to investigate Brady's blogging past. His profile links to something called "Inside The Shoe", which I can only assume is a group for gay trucker gloryholes at Fuckeye games(So Dut HAD to know about this). But when I click the link, it appears the site is dead, and instead asks a bunch of questions about tampons. There has to be an archive somewhere.

Brady said...

Yes, I wrote for an awful Ohio State Football blog for two years. I wasn't that great but did have a few people who appreciated the effort. That's all anyone can hope for in interwebs game.

I have seen the blocked out stills, naked stills and now a little teaser video for Farrah Abraham's porn. The promo guy for Vivid is a fucking genious. Had no idea who this chick was before shit started a few weeks ago but I'm dying to see the video now.

Definite power move by Ms. Abraham's bringing her daughter and father to the Vivid meeting. That's some top-level slut shit right there.

GMoney said...

When did they make the meanings of "few people" and "no one ever" the same exact thing??? Why was I not made aware of this!!!

Anonymous said...

Fuck it, I've seen the video, due to my ELITE skills at internet, which sometimes (a lot of times) can be used for porn. So for lack of anything better to do, let's keep the theme and throw up some bullet points. Stan, pay attention.

It's not bad, and she takes it in the ass like a true champ. But, credit is due to James Deen, he straight up murders that ass, dude is a beast.

She is pretty horrible. All she did was lay there and get blasted, with vigor, I might add. There was a copious amount of lube used, but aside from giving a hilarious beej, she did none of the work. It's hilarious because it failed.

Her tits never touched each other. Weird.

The camera angle as he slammed her against the wall and railed her senseless until she squirted was ELITE. Props to him since he did all the camera work himself.

She talks a lot. No one has time for that.

Best part by far is when he stops crushing her ass to give her a bottle of water, then after she is hydrated, continues to unleash the fury.

Speaking of which, he unleashed it all over her face.

It's truly a spectacle watching this piece of trash teen mother stare into the camera with spunk all over her face. She has a smile like she is going to really make it. She won't. And her kid will fail at life, because, of course she will.

I still think Evan Stone would've been better.

If that doesn't tickle your fancy, in this bundle (that's right, bundle!) you can watch her take a shower and also see her whip out a dildo in the back of a limo, because America. So, yeah, she may have a bright future in porn, and maybe in the sequel she will be on top.

Her child has no future.



Prime99 said...

Stan, was Ide's recap of teen mom porn better than Iceman's post? That's pretty much a bonus post in the blogging world!

Mr. Ace said...

Those are some ELITE bullet points, Ide.

James Deen is a very likeable fellow. I follow him on Twitter.

GMoney said...

Well done, Ide. I feel like I was in the room and now I'm covered in goo.

Brady said...

Slow Clap, Ide. You have a real future in the porn cliff note game.

-Your Biggest Stan said...

How big was Deen?

Anonymous said...

Ide's best post ever.

Grumpy you should pop a viagra before reading that and go to town.


Mr. Ace said...

vinebox.co/u/327526 WATCH THESE VINES! WATCH THEM RIGHT NOW! Damon Bullock, Iowa RB. Most awesome dude ever. No joke. Totally homo.