Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Awwwwwww Poor Brian Kelly

Never forget that this face got away with pre-emptive murder.
The big news coming out of Memorial Day weekend was not that Damman and Dut teamed up to be the worst drunken duo that I perhaps have ever seen (Ide and Burke would be tough to beat there), but that Brian Kelly went ahead and lost his quarterback for the coming season. Oh man, what terrific breaking news to see scroll on the bottom line on Saturday night. The team that everyone with balls hates just lost the only decent returning skill player that they had! YEAH! It was always unclear how Notre Dame kept winning last year and now we know why…they’re a bunch of CHEATERS! Let’s take a look at a few of the sub-plots behind this story separately to give them the hilarious detail that they deserve.

*Everett Golson is GONE! – Let’s be honest here, the kid is a really good athlete who kind of sucks throwing passes that aren’t in the general vicinity of the departed Tyler Eifert. He can make plays and is probably way better than the lesser known Braxton Miller, but Golson isn’t all that great. If he was then the Red-Faced Troll wouldn’t have sat him last year on some key fourth quarter drives.

*Everett Golson is coming back though! – Damn. I wanted something more juicy here than “probably got caught cheating on exams” or, as we all know it better as, “Florida State during the Bobby Bowden Era”. I give him some props for not being a pussy and going to McNeese State though. Most stupid football players would have taken the easy way out and transferred somewhere that allows others to take your tests (again, like Florida State) for you. He wants to be a Domer. He wants to be one of the ten black guys on that campus. That’s kind of respectable. Take your punishment like a man.

*LOL Gunnar Kiel rumors! – This shithead is already on his 20th school in less than a year now that he has re-surfaced in Cincinnati under Scumbag Tuberville. Apparently, he could transfer BACK to South Bend without having to sit out a year if he wanted. He doesn’t want to. That’s good, too, as I want to throw all of my feces at Kiel when he comes to Yager Stadium this fall.

*Brian Kelly is fucked! – And I couldn’t be happier. They are really going to capitalize on that miracle season last year by going 7-5! I can’t wait to watch Tommy Rees play QB drunk every week. Or maybe they give the rock to true freshman (from Alter) Malik Zaire! That would be a disaster. This pussy couldn’t even beat Nap last year. Granted, the game got canceled due to lightning before he even got the ball once but he’s still a bitch.

*It could have been worse for Golson! – Sure, cheating is bad and all that but look at what happened to some of his peers. Te’o got catfished to Hell and back and now has to listen to Marmalard Rivers quote scripture every day while he waits for his passes to float down from the heavens. He could have been pushed off of a video lift by a vengeful wind. He could have been violently raped and had it covered up. In the end, he gets a year off from football where his job will probably be waiting for him and a chance to get his shit together. Like I said, it could have been worse.

Thus ends the brief period in which Notre Dame football was relevant. They are now without a capable starting QB, defensive leadership, their stud TE, and both Golic boys are gone from the program (one to graduation; the other also transferred to UC…better save some of that feces for Mike—he’ll probably think that it’s POT ROAST!). While we can all anxiously await their shitty and excuse filled season, we also can sit back, relax, and enjoy the weekly temper tantrums thrown by The Murderous Brian Kelly. It’s great to have things back where they belong.

39 comments:

Grumpy said...

Zaire will eventually be the starter and be a stud. Kelly wants a QB who can move; Rees and Hendrix can't.

Anonymous said...

This probably makes Lil Strut sad.

It would be TOTES awesome if Gunner Kiel goes back. Also, I doubt Golson stays despite what he has said.

Wings win 5-2 tonight.....book it.

--Drew

Nate said...

Zaire enrolled early this year, so there's a chance he can get some good snaps in.

Even with Tommy Rees as starter, I could see a 8-4 season:

Temple (W)
@Michigan (L)
@Purdue (W)
Michigan State (W)
Oklahoma (L)
Arizona State (W)
USC (L)
@Air Force (W)
Navy (W)
@Pittsburgh (W)
BYU (W)
@Stanford (L)

Schedule isn't as difficult as other years, plus Kelly has stocked up with talent on the other side of the ball.

GMoney said...

I think that that is a pretty difficult schedule actually. They could easily lose all five of those road games. I have them down for 0-12 where they belong.

Do you think that Jim Delany regrets letting Rutgers into the Big Ten yet? What a hilariously inept university that is. They should kick them out. That would be LOL.

Blackhawks win 4-2 tonight. But it doesn't matter because fag boy Jeff Carter is going to win the West.

MUDawgfan said...

Is Michigan state really down this year?

I would have expected them to truck the Irish.

The Iceman said...

Today's post should have been different ways Drew will attempt to talk his way out of predicting a Red Wings series victory if they happen to lose tonight.

Breaking twitter news: Prime picked up the Marshall Henderson trolling where I left off and has finally gotten a response. Granted it wasn't a massive blow up like we wanted but Rome wasn't built in a day, amiright?

Henderson was talking about how much community service he does and Prime ripped back with something about the fine community services his sister offers. Henderson replies with "my sister is perfect!!!". The only response back from Prime was clear..."perfect at giving BJs." As of this morning...no response. But we're starting to get to him...

GMoney said...

Good work, Prime!!! Give yourself a "shark fin" in the office all morning.

Dawg, do you remember Andrew Maxwell? He was the only QB that I remember who completed 6% of his passes. And William Gholston isn't around anymore to terrify the opponent with his hilarious personal foul penalties.

Nate said...

For reasons G$ mentioned and the fact LeVeon Bell is gone, MSU will be rebuilding this year.

Purdue is breaking in a new coach this year.

I still think people are underestimating how much Kelly has built up ND's defense. During Weis' years, the success hinged almost entirely on the strength of the offense.

With Kelly's defense and a schedule that is light for ND standards, 8-4 is entirely doable.


Prime99 said...

Fuck ND. Pretty funny that they are back to being mediocre.

Red Wings fans are the Steelers fans of the NHL.

Marshall replying was pretty funny, though it wasn't as good of a blowup as we'd like. Talking about the massive amount of community work his sister does, my hash tag of #generous was probably the best part of the tweet.

GMoney said...

Purdue is breaking in a new coach this year.--It's not like Hazell has never coached before or been in the conference. If anything, that is a scarier game because it his first chance to show what he can do. (toot toot) BOILER UP!

Red Wings fans are the Steelers fans of the NHL.--Boom. Although it's probably more like Penguins fans are Steelers fans since they are.

Anonymous said...

Prime....I'll bet you a weeklong posting ban on the game tonight. Loser can't post until next Thursday. People will probably like it if I lose....and be pissed if I win since they lose commenter of the year for a week.

--Drew

Ace said...

Couldn't happen to a better school, except the Fuckeyes obvs.

I think 8-4(9-4 depending on bowl) is the ceiling for this ND team.

Purdue always plays them tough, as do the service academies(LOL). Pitt and BYU are solid programs. Hell, even ASU was good last year.

Sparty is going to blow hard this year.

Rutgers is sooooooooo bad. Can't we just swap them for UNC before it's official.

YOU LEAVE MARSHALL HENDERSON ALONE! He is a national treasure.

GMoney said...

Oooooooh a commenting ban wager! I love it and hate it simultaneously.

I hope that that Newark, NJ TV market was worth it because that school is going to drag your already crappy reputation down even further.

Why are none of the WalMart Wolves beating their chests about how that Peppers kid is coming to Ann Arbor? HOKE > urb

Prime99 said...

You're on Drew. G$ will have his commenting rate lowered either way. How about loser has to show up for one comment tomorrow then the ban takes effect?

GMoney said...

Loser mows the winner's yard while wearing their wife's best Sunday dress!

In this analogy, Jim-meh Howard is Todd Flanders.

Anonymous said...

I love that the loser has to show up and eat shit, taking the immediate ban is the easy way out. Keep that in mind Indians fans!

I'll be the first to point out that CBJ would've (should have, fucking Minnesota) skull raped both teams.

CBJ vs Kings Western Finals would've been all kinds of fun.

ND will lose 5 games or more, bank it.

Ide

Brady said...

Shit! HOw did I miss that amazing Twitter exchange? I'm checking Primes timeline right now.

LOL at Notre Dame. I, along with G$, am hoping for an 0-12 season littered with many scandals. Hopefully they know the country is still laughing at them.

GMoney said...

Cakes, did the country ever stop? I still am enjoying the Charlie Weis Era and the totally racist Ty Willingham firing!

GMoney said...

The story behind the former Grand Valley St Qb being found dead in the woods is interesting.

His coach back in 2003, you ask? Brian Kelly. How many murders will this man commit before we get serious about incarcerating him for life!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad they fired that black asshole. He had one winning season and writes a fucking book about it. Well, he basically just narrated it to someone who spoke jive.

Ide

Ace said...

What happened with the GVSU QB? I was following on Twitter a little, but doesn't seem like anything has come out yet that is definitive. He went into the woods, called his family freaking out about something, they form a search party, he is found dead. SOMEBODY FILL IN THE BLANKS...other than obvs Brian Kelly relationship.

Spurs, bitches.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he messed with the Sasquatch too much?

GMoney said...

The Blanks = Brian Kelly's choke hold

GMoney said...

Prime, per Drew, he accepts your wager terms that after tomorrow the loser will receive a one week ban from annoying us (Drew) or indulging us with ELITE wit (Prime).

Prime99 said...

G$ speaks for Drew? Did he start his ban already?

GMoney said...

He is having issues with the robot apparently. Hey assholes, if you would just have a reagular account here instead of posting anonymously and adding your moniker at the end, you wouldn't have to fight the robot constantly.

The robot is like me...impossible to defeat.

Ace said...

Toledo is getting a QB transfer from Bama! The Rockets are bring the SEC to the MAC. Two years away from a BCS bowl.

Brady said...

Saints WR blows a .218. That's some good drinkin'!

Banned for one week? That's almost like a prize. I DEMAND BETTER TERMS... AND SATISFACTION!

How come I've had an account for ever and still have to outwit the robot numerous times a day? I'm good for at least 2-3 fails every morning.

GMoney said...

As long as you don't sign in and out of your account all the time, you shouldn't have much of an issue with my missile defense system. Or you're just an idiot.

SEC NORTH = MAC

The Iceman said...

I would go with idiot. I've had zero problems commenting. Ever.

Grumpy said...

Put me in the idiot column too; I am posting using my Google ID and still have to use the robot detector. G$, the reason you don't is because you are the admin. I'll bet Iceman and Ace don't encounter it either.

Brady said...

I don't think I've ever signed in and out of my account unless the cookie expires. Whatevs. It's like my morning dislexia puzzle.

Was this Bama transfer a victim of oversigning? I bet he was a victim of Nicky Sabecakes ruthless dictatorship.

Ace said...

Grumpy brings up a valid point. The old timer still has it. I do not have any problems when commenting under my username.

B-Cakes, I think he just wanted to be part of something great. Toledo was an obvious choice.

Anonymous said...

Give us regulars admin access. GIVE THE INMATES THE KEYS.

There will be a solid racist banner within the hour of such ELITE power.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Ide would do a bunch of talking about what he's going to do for the banner...then magically get alergies and never follow through.

Anonymous said...

Try me.

Prime99 said...

There aren't allergies strong enough to keep Ide away from a Train concert. Just sayin'...

GMoney said...

No. None of you are prepared for that kind of power. It comes with a frogurt! The frogurt is also cursed.

The Iceman said...

"There aren't allergies strong enough to keep Ide away from a Train concert. Just sayin'"

Best longest standing blog joke ever.