Wednesday, May 22, 2013

America's Favorite Dweeb Does It Again

He even whispers in Comic Sans
Well, I certainly didn't anticipate writing about the NBA Draft Lottery today but here I am reveling in another dominating performance from Nick Gilbert.  Unbelievable.  Let's just rock out our classic bullet-point format to express my emotions of the Cavaliers getting the #1 pick for the second time in three years.

*They TOTES don't deserve this.  I'm a fan of teams getting rewarded with the top pick if they played hard all season and the Cavs most definitely did not.  They were unwatchable for the last third of the season.  The worst record was never a possibility so they were tanking for the third worst which is even more pathetic.

*Nick Gilbert GUARANSHEED that he wouldn't be back next year.  PLAYOFFS!  The sick kid promised!

*This isn't really a great year to have that pick but they said that two years ago and we ended up with a TRANSCENDENT player and a double/double machine.

*Some of the idiot commenters at WFNY were actually pissed that we won the #1 pick.  Never forget that Cleveland fans are tards.  We are guaranteed to get the one guy that we want.  There is never anything wrong with that.  But who?

*That's the massive question.  To me, there are only two choices and they are Nerlens Noel or Otto Porter Jr.  I don't think that you could go wrong with either player.  Porter does everything well except get to the rim and we have other guys who can do that.  He is a good defensive player, too, which I'm sure that ELITE coach Mike Brown Stains would covet.

*And then there is Noel.  Shit, how do you fairly judge him?  I mean, he was the CLEAR #1 pick before he got hurt and now he's done through at least the first month or two of the season with that disgusting knee injury.  He's an ELITE defender and rebounder but not the most polished scorer.  He can't be a great player at 209 pounds though.  That is a FACT.  He absolutely has to get 230 on that frame just to survive but any decent STREMPH coach can put that on a world class athlete.

*We also have picks #19, 32, and 33.  Don't forget that.  I am almost certain that we get another lottery pick to land another solid player.  Philly needs a ton of help.  You might be able to get their pick (11, I think) for that haul. 

*So what would I do if you made me pick today?  Damn.  It's a really tough call.  I suppose that I would bring Noel in and ask him how he feels about Derrick Rose and what he did this season.  If he says that he respects him then the pick is Porter.  If he calls Rose a bitch then Noel is my guy and he goes straight to the weight room and daily meals at Melt.  I really like both of those guys though.  I don't think that we can miss.  I trust that Chris Grant knows what he's doing.  Gun to my head...I'm taking Nerlens but that doesn't matter because this choice is way above my pay grade.

*In other news, the White Trash beat the Losedians.  Or at least they're up 4-1 at the time of me saving this.  Discuss that.  I know that Jeff is trying to pry Jut off of my team...Bryce Harper is mighty tempting

*Apparently, some teams are still playing in the NBA playoffs.  We're going to get Spurs/Heat so don't worry about watching too much of these games.  You should only be worried about mock drafts at this point.

Believe me that I wasn't planning on writing about this today.  But Nick Gilbert would just not be denied.  GO CAVS!


Anonymous said...

Otto or trading the pick/other picks for a legit current NBA player should be the pick. Drafting a big man coming off of ACL surgery to play with a star made out of glass has disaster written all over it.

Good job last night WINDIANS!

Coming for you tonight Prime.


Anonymous said...

Noel is Oden not Griffin.

Sergio Garcia deserves respect. I never thought id write that sentence. Fuzzy Zoeller is proud of that Eurobeaner.


Anonymous said...

Trade the pick to the Twolves for KLove.

Or take Nerlens.


GMoney said...

Seal, that was the only option that I thought of on the trade front. I was going to ask Drew what his trade suggestion would be and Love would have been the only one that made sense to me.

It's definitely a tough decision but should be fun to follow for the next month.

GMoney said...

But the Wolves just got a new GM or are in the process of replacing KHHHHHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNNN so I doubt that he wants to trade his best player right away.

Anonymous said...

Why the fuck would you ask for Drew's opinion? It obviously doesn't mean shit coming from a guy excited about 1 win over the Indians. I sure as hell hope you guys can beat Corey fucking Kluber.


GMoney said...

Whoa, I'm not the enemy here! It's just so easy to say "trade the pick" but what the fuck is the correct compensation for the #1 pick? I'm not dropping out of the top five or getting anything less than a superstar for it. Hopefully the new brass in Minny realize that Love has a foot out the door already and are ready to deal. They could even keep their lottery pick, too, as long as Love signs long term.

Somebody go get me a Pepsi Max.

Anonymous said...

Funny you mention Pepsi Max. In the first time since Pop Post '13, I had a Cherry Coke ZERO.

Also worth noting, I strained my adductor muscle on Monday. I did some swimming today, and that's about all I can do at the moment. It hurts to even squat down and take a shit. I said it was a hamstring because it was sports related and I am a man so it felt like it was the right call.

Why do I say this? Because, I am buying some compression shorts and am running from the zombies like a man. Champions or in this case survivors play through pain.


Prime99 said...

Seal makes a strong argument.

Drew likely has 85 GIFs picked out for tonight. I just hope its not another pic of him using his tiny penis.

I can't believe the Cavs won that shit again. When Dan Gilbert said "we won't be back here for a long time," did he mean that for real or in the same sense as "Cleveland will win a championship before LeBron?" Nick Gilbert sounds more intelligent than his dad most of the time.

I bet the Kings will trade you Cousins for that pick...

GMoney said...

If Cousins comes to Cleveland then his son will have to come to. Are you prepared for that?

Ide is falling apart. He will be devoured within the first ten feet of the course.

I just don't like the idea of trading the #1 pick when it is statistically very hard to land that (especially 2 out of three years). Do your homework and pick the right player.

Jeff said...

If the Cavs use all 4 picks on white players a deal for KLove will definitely be in order. 4 white guys for 1 is a trade the KKK Wolves can't resist.

I've been thinking about your counter. Rickie Weeks is so much ass though. I want one of your 1 Baggers.

Prime99 said...

Z wouldn't leave- Cousins hasn't stopped by even once to see his son on the grounds that "he's not black enough."

Anonymous said...

Who cares about all these monkeys anyway?

Sergio Garcia

GMoney said...

I'll tell you what, though, Charlotte and/or Orlando may be interested in moving up for Noel in order to tank for Wiggins. Not sure what they have that we might want though.

Eh, that's stupid logic...we're going to make that pick at 1.

Nate said...

Charlotte wants to move up?

Sounds like Byron Mullens trade talk to me.

Brady said...

Judging for my twitter feed last night, you would have thought the Cavs won a championship. Then I saw people saying this might be the worst NBA draft in two decades. Of course a Cleveland team would win this year.

Apparently, Max Scherzer is the Indians kryptonite. That dude was lights out after the first inning. I look forward to facing the trashball tonight to get a split.

Mr. Ace said...

I don't really like Porter, not as a top pick. Can't create his own shot, also needs to put on about 20-30 pounds, and not explosive enough to make up for lack of size.

I think Noel is the obvious pick. He obviously needs to put on weight, but we have seen how effective young athletic bigs can be on the defensive end. Even if he sits half of next year, who cares! It's all about getting Bron back the year after that, right?

Trey Burke Sick to Orlando? They need a PG and Burke measured out much better than I thought he would at the combine(?).

GMoney said...

I think that Burke (the player, not the commenter) makes a lot of sense to the Magic. Jameer Nelson is all sorts of ass.

Porter is 6'9" and cut like a mug. His body is SEXAAAAAAAY! We have enough guys that can create off the dribble (well, two at least). But yeah, it would be a little tough to talk myself into someone named Otto being the #1 pick.

Cakes, don't listen to those morons who say that this is a shitty draft. It hardly ever is. They said that two years ago, too. If you do your homework, you're going to get players.

By the way, I heard on the radio this morning that Buckets Thomas has refused to give the Spurs his cell number as "if they want my number, they can draft me." This might be the dumbest ass thing I've ever heard. I hope that no one takes him now and he ends up playing in the Soviet Union for rubles and bowls of gazpacho.

Anonymous said...

If we take Noel, we are in the lottery again next year, but probably much better then year after. He obviously isnt an immediate impact, as he needs to put on some weight and actually get healthy - but he is the obvious best long term talent that we need.

But like I said, I think I am ok with trading the pick to get a proved stud (Love) and be a playoff contender next season.

Plus - Kyrie, Love, and Bron wouldnt be a terrible 3some.


The Iceman said...

First of all...LULZ at the idea of Minny trading Love. No matter how bad Love may not want to be there, you'll have to rip him from Minnesota's dead, cold hands. Plus with how big of a dildo Love's been lately with trashing the organization, they most certainly will not give him what he wants in a trade. And even if he did get traded to Cleveland (never happening) he won't be there for long. He's made it pretty clear he doesn't want to play for a shit team after rotting on one since his first year in the league.

Second...Cleveland is drafting Noel. Because Pube Wig Varejao's ass is getting dealt and they'll need a new center. Unless someone in the Cleveland organization hasn't figured out yet just how stupid it is to pay Pube Wig almost 10 million dollars for playing 40 games every year.

GMoney said...

Minny is going to have to trade him. Why not do it for Noel and then tank for Wiggins? They're not getting a better deal than that.

Doesn't Cleveland define "not give him what he wants"???

Normally I would agree but the people at BIG PEPSI MAX might give him many reasons ($$$) to play with Kyrie. Plus, they could always rehab together at St. Staph Hospital.

By the way, winning the lottery again isn't going to quiet those Bron Bron Comes Home rumors which are certainly not annoying at all.

Prime99 said...

Drew- also, the game is tomorrow, so unless you have some other game tonight I'm unaware of, then you will not be coming for me tonight.

GMoney said...

Prime knows more about hockey than Drew.

And just because I don't want this to get glossed over:
By the way, I heard on the radio this morning that Buckets Thomas has refused to give the Spurs his cell number as "if they want my number, they can draft me." This might be the dumbest ass thing I've ever heard. I hope that no one takes him now and he ends up playing in the Soviet Union for rubles and bowls of gazpacho.

Anonymous said...

The daily Prime domination of Drew is ALMOST getting old.

Poor Drew.


Anonymous said...

LOLZ! Like I don't know what days the games are you dolts. I have already set where I'm watching Saturdays game in NOLA. I got a special gif for Prime tonight...that's what's coming.

Slow Seal sounds more mad about the Tigers win than I do happy.


Prime99 said...

Talking shit about the neato GIF you found is fucking clown shoes.

Ace said...

I am assuming Drew got a more demanding job, which is why he doesn't comment as often. As a result, his commenting/shit talking has fallen off the deep end. Which begs the question, how much time and effort did Drew used to put into commenting to have most of us fooled into thinking he had an average IQ and smack game? I bet he would retype posts for an hour back win he and Seal would go at it.

LS wedding photos are starting to leak out and confirming what we already knew; I am a sexy drunk.

So Buckets doesn't want to play for the Spurs. Is that what I am supposed to take from that? Great news.

The Iceman said...

"I am assuming Drew got a more demanding job, which is why he doesn't comment as often"

Or Drew is StanGina and is now forced to juggle the balance.

I love how nearly every last "star" for the Ohio Buckeyes becomes a massive failure in the NBA. With the exception of Mike Conley who finally just started to put it together after 7 years in the league...the rest are turds. Just add Fuckets to that list. I mean, the balls on this guy! To my knowledge he isn't even projecting into the first round, right?? Fringe second round talent players aren't allowed to be divas. Have fun battling Starbury for shots in Europe next year.

Urlacher is one cares.

GMoney said...

It would be like some massive successful company emailing you wanting to schedule an interview and then you saying "Nope, hire me first and then I'll talk".

He's probably too busy pumping out more bastards and future chain gang members for phone calls anyway.

The Fan is also throwing out LaMarcus Aldridge as a potential trade target. I like Love way more but that would also be acceptable.

Prime99 said...

The Buckets situation would be like a commenter here saying they are coming for another commenter based on a hockey game that isn't on that day then claim it is because they have a sweet GIF that they are totally going to burn the other commenter, but really it is an excuse for them not knowing when the game is.

Wait- it is nothing like the Buckets situation? Well it is because both Buckets and the commenter with the GIF are being stupid and that needs to be pointed out again.

Mr. Ace said...

Will Noel be better than Anthony Davis in year 1, assuming he is 100% back from the knee injury? Davis put up 13ppg/8rpg/2bpg as a rookie. I think Noel can see something close to that kind of production, especially with Kyrie at point. I think he will get more blocks, but less rebounds. If you think you are going to get that type of production from a 19 year old, do you trade him for 27 y/o Aldridge who went 21/9/1 this year? I think I ride with Noel.

Michigan is going to get 2 players drafted before Buckets. Word is Hardaway Jr has been balling out of control in front of scouts. If Buckets really said that he won't get drafted.

GMoney said...

It's a tough call as Aldridge is also coming off of hip surgery but he is a stud it's just that Portland is never on TV.

Asking Noel to put up 13/8/2 coming off of knee removal might be a lot to ask though.

Like I keep saying, it will be an interesting next 4 weeks.

I was surprised that the Pistons were at the lottery draft last night. I was under the impression that they made the playoffs.

Anonymous said...

Ape...Buckets had a better college career than Hardaway. Who cares where they are drafted?'s borderline retarded to think that I don't know the days of the games. I am much too sports obsessed to not know.


GMoney said...

Pretty tough talk from a guy who shits his pants multiple times per day.

Mr. Ace said...

Knee removal? Did they replace his entire knee? You're right. But at 100%, which he will get to at some point in the season, I think he can come close to matching AD's numbers and is a more explosive athlete.

Was Buckets career better than THJ's? Lets play the numbers game:

14.4 ppg/ .9 apg/ 5 rpg/ .2 bpg/ .4 spg

14.3 ppg/ 2.1 apg/ 4.1 rpg/ .3 bpg/ .7 spg

And the bottom one played in a National Championship game this year. Winner=Me/THJ

Drew is taking L's nonstop.

The Iceman said...

"I was surprised that the Pistons were at the lottery draft last night. I was under the impression that they made the playoffs"

Only in my heart.

Anonymous said...

Buckets was a 3rd team all American and consensus first team all big ten. Things Hardaway can't say.


GMoney said...

There's pretty heavy chatter that the #13 pick is for sale by Dallas because Cubes wants all the money he has for a run at Duh-wight.

#31, #33, and eating Shawn Marion's 1 year at 9 mill expiring for #13 could work.

Anonymous said...

Shitting your pants and telling about it is ELITE.

George Brett

Anonymous said...

Iceman- I know its late & you likely won't see or respond to this.

Michael Redd was an all-star & an olympian before a career ending injury. Evan Turner averaged 13.5/6.5/4.5 in his 3rd year with the potential to be a 17/7/6 guy within 2 years.

Byron Mulllens! 2016 olympian in all likelyhood.

What michigan player that entered the nba after 95 has been even as good as those 4, if you include Conley?

Traylor? Dead.

If I'm forgetting someone, please correct me as I'm the kind of guy who likes to shoot from hip & I could be completely wrong.

Ohio State is a far superior school than mu in both football & basketball