Friday, April 26, 2013

"Your Team Sucks At Drafting" Sound Board

The Talibaaaaaaaaaan...FUCK YEAH!
You losers probably never knew that Iceman's last name was actual Tsarnaev.  What would possess anyone to rear admiral an American flag.  I'll tell ya, this man needs to be deported.  That is the only solution.  Anyway, I'm going to just type a bunch of thoughts throughout the night.  This will have zero flow.  At least we can all count on an ELITE re-telling of Ide's LIVE NFL Draft experience.  Let's just bullet-point the fuck out of this.

*Nothing better than having Drunk Joe Namath start the draft off right!  That guy is a national treasure.

*Chris Berman is the worst.  His gin-soaked mind just can't keep up with this kind of event.  His attempts to ad-lib while waiting for Goodell to call the picks were so awkward and painful.  Was it possible for him to love Geno Smith more?

*Speaking of which, Jon Gruden is ass.  Why was he constantly talking about The Honey Badger?  Not even the Bills (LOL nice front office there) would take a guy who failed double digit drug tests and has not played in a year.  Listen, Chucky, leave the analysis to Mel.  You are drowning him out after EVERY pick.  You don't know anything about these guys.  Stop pretending.

*Thanks for not tipping picks though, ESPN, it's about time that you did something right.

*I'm not going to individually go through every team's picks today (better analysis from the chief expert comes on Monday) but just recognize how good my mock draft was.  My reasoning was sound.  Even when the names weren't right, the positions were.  BOW DOWN.

*Feel free to applaud or SMDH at your team's first round pick(s).  Just know that I was 100% right about the Browns and what they should do (and did).  I should TOTES be whatever Mike Lombardi is.  I have to be more qualified than that whale.

*JACKETS TIME!!!  We ain't quittin'!  Cam SICK!  BOB SAYS NYET!  God dammit, it sure does look like we're just going to run out of games but it would be super sweet if the Wild lost tonight so we had three teams fighting for the last two spots on Saturday night.  Look, whether we get in or not, we've done all that we could and it has been an awesome season.  I know that we will beat Assville tomorrow we just need that help to finally come that we've been waiting two goddamn weeks for.  For hopefully not the final time this year: CARRY THE FLAG!

Alright, that will do it for today.  Plenty of talking points even before Ide chips in with his tales of (hopefully) how much he wanted to kill those losers who yelled WHAT every time that Goodell paused his speech.  That is a terrible trend that you started, Stone Cold.  Now the real winners of professional football start drafting this evening...SUPER BOWL! 


Grumpy said...

Iceman was classic on Twitter last night. Ide had pics of assholes everywhere. I doubt he got out alive.

Nate said...

Picks by conference:

SEC - 12
PAC - 5
ACC - 6
Big 12 - 3
Independent - 2
Big Ten - 1
MAC - 1
CUSA - 1
Big East - 1

Garbage year for Big Ten

Anonymous said...

Iceman should be neutered.

I do not believe Ziggy was the right Ansah...but, we shall see.

LOLZ @ Geno Smiff for going to the draft.


Ace said...

Lions drafted a black guy from BYU? Has that ever worked out for anybody?

Definitely happy with Eagles pick. Hopefully his wife is a mainstay as well.

LOL Geno Smiff. These QB's must be fucking terrible.

Jeff said...

CARRY IT! I feel the same way you do, but fingers crossed. Hopefully the hockey gods know what's right and give the Flames, Stars, and Avalanche some puck luck in their final games. This team has been a great watch and on one hell of a ride that I hope doesn't end soon. Coming away 5-1-0 on the six game road trip that was going to doom us is god damn 'mazin. Regardless of the outcomes this weekend, the CBJ future is the brightest it's ever been. We gon' get a CUP!!!

Steelers got their man Jarvis.

GMoney said...

Nate, I have always believed that the best conference provided the #1 overall pick and thus MACtion is the greatest. Flawless logic.

Ziggy's broken 3D glasses were hilarious. Geno walking out pissed with three picks left was even funnier.

Jeff, I agree with you who agreed with me. I don't want it to end.

GMoney said...


I can't wait to see EJ Manual play home games in November and December. That is going to be as funny as Caliendo.

Prime99 said...

My favorite moment of the night, by far, was the tribute to the tragedy at the Minnesota Marathon.

Belivhick really really just can't stand other people getting attention.

Kyle LOOOOOOOONGGGG! I like the pick. Finally getting Cutler some protection this offseason. He may only get sacked 45 times this year.

Grumpy said...

I was mocked at RibFest for claiming Manuel would be a 1st round pick. Fuck you Drew, I think. Maybe G$. They all look alike to me.

Spent the morning Googling "Lane Johnson's mom".

Anonymous said...

That flag is actually a boner. I'm so American my hard dick morphs into Old Glory.

I know a lot of Browns fans hated the Mingo pick last night. I'm just glad it wasn't Jordan. I think he's going to be a bust. Shit...even Gruden didn't like him!!

Those 3D glasses stole the show. Guys from Africa slay me. And guys from BYU.

I actually like Manuel. I think if he sits a year he'll be good.

If I had to hear "Honey Badger" one more time last night I was going to fucking snap. Gruden calling for Mathieu to be taken round one should have costed him his job today. Insanity.

GMoney said...

I know for a FACT that I was not involved in any EJ Manual conversations during RibFest. But I would have mocked you, too, because Manual is not good.

Bears should have grabbed Eifert and you know it. Although now Howie Long will have to be nice to you on the pregame show. That's HUGE.

I don't recall these Lane Johnson beauties. I am disappoint.

GMoney said...

What idiots do you know hate the Mingo pick? Are these the same dumbass Cavs fans that you always reference? Did you remind them that it made no sense to waste a first round pick on a guy who could shut down Mohamed Sanu when you could take a guy with the ability to rip off Big Ben's gray dick?

When the Browns pick was read, I was prepared to LOL. Instead, I gave a look that said "nice pick".

Ace said...

Caliendo's Kiper is pretty solid, I have to say.

Random question. Are there any tire/car shops in Columbus that any of you guys prefer? I can't make it back to Naptown and go to Howards everytime I need something fixed(although I still probably will), so I need a go to spot in Columbus.

I ate 20 Barley's wings last night. Just thought you should know.

Daniel said...

The Bills are idiots. They could have easily traded back again and got Manuel in the late first. I like the player, I just don't like the spot they picked him.

Is anyone doing the Napoleon/Defiance alumni game? I think it's the perfect storm for plenty of torn ACL/separated shoulders.

Anonymous said...

Aside from my first foray into twitter, I only have a few tidbits to add about my underwhelming experience from the draft. However, I learned from my experience and I promise this: Next year will be amazing. Due to an overcrowding issue, I had to stay in my assigned seat. Last year we could move around.

Important note: Last year, apparently, I got lucky and had a beer or two that I was able to get from the Bud Light tent. I thought this was normal, but I guess it was for VIP people only (I had the worst tickets money could buy, FOR THE PEOPLE). Thanks to us miscreants in the 3rd mezzanine, they outlawed alcohol for anyone who isn't a VIP. This is the only event at Radio City that doesn't serve alcohol. Jets fans.

As much as it kills me to say this, the Miami Dolphins have by far and away the best fans in the draft. Singularly they are all abhorrent and terrible people, but put them together, and they are fucking hilarious. I would compare them to an overzealous college fanbase when an easily hated team comes rolling into town (think OSU vs PSU).

Last year, I mentioned sitting next to them and had a laundry list of awesome jokes and lines that I overheard. This year, I sat opposite side of them and the highlights were when people would stand up just to cuss out the Dolphin fans 150 feet away.

They came in over 100 strong and spend their idle time making up random chants and songs and generally trolling everybody else effectively. Especially the Jets. These guys didn't sit down the entire time. They were loud, rowdy, obnoxious and offensive. In other words, awesome. This elicited insults and actually cups being thrown, it was fantastic, however, too far away for me to hear all the good parts. Next year, I will be wherever the Dolphins fans are.

The black Jets fans directly in front of me became pretty amusing when their picks were coming up. Since, the Jets actually made a smart first pick (the guy wearing a Revis jersey screaming FUCK REVIS, was pretty funny), I couldn't take much joy in their misery...until pick two came along. God, I love Jets fans. They don't get how bad they are and are constantly slapped in the face by a terrible organization. At least the Browns are numb to our front office dick slaps. Watching them throw up their arms at Shelden Richardson, was great.

So, I mentioned on twitter that the cameras were on this Browns fan, and he was acting like a complete asshole. It was embarrassing, well it turns out that it was for the Kevin Costner Browns movie. I was sitting around a bunch of Browns fans, surprisingly, and they noticed us, so they came up to film our 'reactions'. The asshole was told to boo the Browns and act like they picked the worst player (Quinn?) in the draft. He was pretty pissed off about doing this, but hey, it's Hollywood, so he sold out. Anything for fame amirite? The other guy had to look FOCUSED on the upcoming pick. I was told to sit in the background (I TOTES asked to be in the shot) because I wasn't wearing a jersey. Hollywood is all fucking politics. Shout out to Brenda, the overweight security guard who got the producer of NFL Films attention to let me be in the shot. I'm in the background cheering, and eating M&M's, because, fuck it, I wanted to eat M&M's.

After my soon to be brush with fame, I got bored and left around the time the Steelers picked. The Dolphins fans were still being themselves, so next year, I will crash their party.


Anonymous said...

Ace, 20 wings at Barley's is a great time, I've done it several times. Go Wednesday night at the High St. location for 50 cent wing night.

G$, some asshole on my facebook feed goes "another linebacker, really?". This is the same guy who was HOPING for Eifert. Some Browns fans are retarded. Probably more than some, actually.

I didn't know Smiff was even at the draft so I missed that whole narrative. That sucks, someone link me the video of him leaving.


GMoney said...

That Caliendo/Kiper segment was awful.

Dan, I'm sorry that you root for the Bills. You'll always have those Super Bowl losses. They can't take those away.

Ide, good times! Dolphins fans, huh? I was not expecting that. Congrats on your budding acting career. That will teach you to never leave the house without your Colt McCoy jersey.

Prime99 said...

Dolphins fans have to be tough to wear those absolutely horrendous colors. There are the Boy Named Sue of the NFL.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, this exchange happened with these two 22 year old girls who worked the NFL shop and got free tickets next to me.

Girl 1 says, "Who is Ezekial?"

I say, "Some black guy from BYU"

Girl 1 says, "Oh, so he's a virgin?"

Girl 2 says, "Probably, didn't some basketball player get kicked out of school for having sex? Brandon Davies or something?" (Note: The fact that she actually knew his name was ELITE)

I say, "Yeah, that was hilarious, but I bet it was because the girl was white."

Girl 2 says, "I bet it was because he was probably a faggot"

That made me LOLS.

Worth mentioning that both these girls were from New Jersey. But girl 2 was TOTES awesome, regardless of her being a fan of the lowly Eagles (she also knew the Eagles fight song word for word, she was certainly wife material).


Prime99 said...

Chip says that the reason the NFL shop girl knew the Eagles fight song was because he "banged it into her."

GMoney said...

Those two broads (female Eagles fans are always broads) are Money Shot commenter material.

Drew's Bills Fan Pants Pissing Buddy texting me last night as a means to defend that Manuel pick was major LULZ. You've got to hand it to those people...they've been shit on for 15 years yet keep believing anyway.

Prime, you've really got to like a Chip Kelly disciple coming into Chicago.

I'm surprised that none of the Browns fans have chimed in about their pick yet. I was anticipating greater outrage/positivity.

Anonymous said...

Watching Gino Smiff storm out like an infant was probably the best part of the draft. Or maybe it was when the military guys were on stage and you could hear some guy in the background scream, "Stand up asshole!!" followed immediately by Gruden giggling his ass off.

GMoney said...

Forgot to mention that what was supposed to be a touching speech by Joe Andruzzi came off horribly. And it was not just because the Pats traded the pick. It was more because that guy had no idea what he was supposed to be saying. New York Jets fans aren't just going to start chanting BOSTON STRONG without seeing copious amounts of tits first.

GMoney said...

I don't understand why people are mad at Geno for being upset. The dude was told by everyone that he was going early and then got completely embarrassed. I would have been pissed off, too. I mean, EJ Manuel is one of the worst players in the draft and he got picked. That is like pouring salt in an open AIDS sore.

Anonymous said...

I love that Browns pick. Smart, going to a 3-4 this year, we needed someone with that kind of outside speed. We probably could have traded down a spot or two to get him (the Rams would have probably sold the farm to us for Tayvon Martin), but I'm happy.

That Eagles fan was certainly a broad. She was also impossibly hot for a draft spectator. You usually don't find that kind of pedigree with the mix of negroes and assholes in the third mezzanine. Last year I mentioned that it wasn't worth the trip to go, but it really is. It is a certified spectacle, to be sure, and probably a lot more fun to be near an insane group of shit talking Dolphins fans than it is to watch Gruden THIS GUY every pick.

Deadspin (not ESPN (LOLOLS)) is reporting that Russell Westbrook is out indefinitely with a torn meniscus.


Prime99 said...

The Bears can draft all Oregon Ducks as far as I'm concerned. #chipstrong

Anonymous said...

"Last time I was there, kids of all races were getting along and playing. It was terrible."