Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Let me be the first to say that April Fool's day is for fucking douche bags. Why do we need a day where people make up incredibly stupid stories just to "josh" people? And where did it even come from? Forget it...I really don't fucking care. Like I said on the Internets yesterday...anyone in present day who actually falls for an April Fool's joke is a complete dipshit and needs to be mercy killed. With all of the social media outlets out there for people to announce the presence of April Fool's day (assuming you were too fucking dumb to know it was April 1st already), allowing yourself to get tricked by a prankster is careless and totally on you. And anyone who tries to pull a "hilarious" April Fool's prank should be punched in the scrotum. Now that I got that out of the way let's visit today's fresh crop of stories.
After a fresh pussy waxing, Kyrie Irving made his triumphant return to the shitty Cavs Sunday night. Nobody cared, for the most part. I considered picking up Irving for my fantasy team but then I remembered I need to rely on my players in the playoffs and can't risk them breaking a nail or turning an ankle while wearing stilettos on a Saturday night. Anyone care to enlighten me as to how this makes any fucking sense at all? Your injury prone franchise player "recovers" from an injury so he can play in the what....the last 10 games of the season for a team that has zero shot at the playoffs? Incredibly dumb decision. Just shut him down and prepare for next year's 50 game season from Irving (generous estimation). Hopefully the Cavs will be smart enough to draft Trey Burke SICK with their first pick so they can have a real man running the show in Cleveland.
I heard over the weekend the Browns officially put Colt McCoy on the trading block. HAR HAR HAR HAR!! Nothing like shopping your fucking trash around the league. NO DOUBT there will be many interested parties in a 5th rate quarterback who would have problems throwing a Nerf ball 20 yards WITH the wind. I'm sure there's a fucking gaggle of teams who are desperately searching for a quarterback who will check down to the 5 yard out pattern on 3rd and 12 every time. Shopping Colt McCoy. LOLZ! That would be like me standing in a parking lot trying to sell bags of my own shit for $50 a pop. Is there anyone in the league stupid enough to trade for a guy who is going to be released probably next week? UPDATE: Apparently there is a franchise stupid enough. The San Francisco 49ers have traded the Browns a 5th and 7th round pick for Colt McLimpDick and a 6th round pick. It doesn't matter who the Browns draft with those picks. They robbed SanFran blind with that trade. Enjoy dumpster trash taking snaps if Adoption Kaepernick ever gets catastrophically injured.
In related news: Look for Cleveland to replace recently traded Colt McCoy with now free agent John Skelton.
Pat Riley trolling the fuck out of Danny Ainge is absolutely hilarious. Not sure if anyone saw this but apparently Ainge was talking shit about LeBron and how he was apparently crying to the refs about flagrant calls not being called. Pat shined both barrels up and blasted Ainge with "Danny Ainge needs to shut the fuck up and manage his own team. He was the biggest whiner going when he was playing and I know that because I coached against him." COUNT IT! Patrick coming with the fucking tasty nuggets! Ainge had some lame-o pussy comeback about Armani suits and hair goop. It was a pretty pathetic attempt. Point goes to Riley. That's the kind of hard exterior you adapt while learning how to hate black people at Kentucky. That had to be a class when Riley was there. Hating N-words 101.
The Bills dedication to shittiness continues as they signed Kevin Kolb to a 2 year deal. Maybe that happened awhile ago and I just didn't see it until now because following the Browns so closely is all the depression I can handle. But what a LOLZ move. Just when the entire city of Buffalo was quietly tucking their nooses away with the release of Ryan HarvardPatrick, this move happens. Stevie Johnson can't wait to drop Kolb moon balls next year. You know...the 2 out of 10 that actually make it near him.
Whoopity shit! Baseball's back!! Let the crotch grabbing and Verlander jokes commence. Hands down the worst time for sports is right around the corner. College basketball is coming to an end, the NBA will be done in 2 months and then it's nothing but fucking baseball and hockey until August. Barf. The only saving grace is making fun of sad bastard Indians fans as they cling to the fleeting hope they will someday again matter in October.
That's my time here today. Feel free to fill the comment sections of lame ass stories of your BEST APRIL FOOLS PRANK! And if I can find a way to Pony Express a ball tag to you, believe I will do it. Don't forget to root for CONFERENCE PRIDE this Saturday as all you Ohio dildos cheer for YOUR Michigan Wolverines. MoneyShot decree: If Michigan Wins it all, G$ should have to buy a McGary-Durham-Hoffman jersey and wear it once a week for the rest of his life. And be buried in it. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get back to breaking the record for most jelly beans eaten in one sitting. Starburst Jelly Beans or GTFO.