Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Tuesday Tube Steak


        How anyone would react upon hearing Colt McCoy is the new backup QB.


Let me be the first to say that April Fool's day is for fucking douche bags.  Why do we need a day where people make up incredibly stupid stories just to "josh" people?  And where did it even come from?  Forget it...I really don't fucking care.  Like I said on the Internets yesterday...anyone in present day who actually falls for an April Fool's joke is a complete dipshit and needs to be mercy killed.  With all of the social media outlets out there for people to announce the presence of April Fool's day (assuming you were too fucking dumb to know it was April 1st already), allowing yourself to get tricked by a prankster is careless and totally on you.  And anyone who tries to pull a "hilarious" April Fool's prank should be punched in the scrotum.  Now that I got that out of the way let's visit today's fresh crop of stories.

After a fresh pussy waxing, Kyrie Irving made his triumphant return to the shitty Cavs Sunday night.  Nobody cared, for the most part.  I considered picking up Irving for my fantasy team but then I remembered I need to rely on my players in the playoffs and can't risk them breaking a nail or turning an ankle while wearing stilettos on a Saturday night.  Anyone care to enlighten me as to how this makes any fucking sense at all?  Your injury prone franchise player "recovers" from an injury so he can play in the what....the last 10 games of the season for a team that has zero shot at the playoffs?  Incredibly dumb decision.  Just shut him down and prepare for next year's 50 game season from Irving (generous estimation).  Hopefully the Cavs will be smart enough to draft Trey Burke SICK with their first pick so they can have a real man running the show in Cleveland.

I heard over the weekend the Browns officially put Colt McCoy on the trading block.  HAR HAR HAR HAR!!  Nothing like shopping your fucking trash around the league.  NO DOUBT there will be many interested parties in a 5th rate quarterback who would have problems throwing a Nerf ball 20 yards WITH the wind.  I'm sure there's a fucking gaggle of teams who are desperately searching for a quarterback who will check down to the 5 yard out pattern on 3rd and 12 every time.  Shopping Colt McCoy.  LOLZ!  That would be like me standing in a parking lot trying to sell bags of my own shit for $50 a pop.  Is there anyone in the league stupid enough to trade for a guy who is going to be released probably next week?  UPDATE:  Apparently there is a franchise stupid enough.  The San Francisco 49ers have traded the Browns a 5th and 7th round pick for Colt McLimpDick and a 6th round pick.  It doesn't matter who the Browns draft with those picks.  They robbed SanFran blind with that trade.  Enjoy dumpster trash taking snaps if Adoption Kaepernick ever gets catastrophically injured.

In related news:  Look for Cleveland to replace recently traded Colt McCoy with now free agent John Skelton.

Pat Riley trolling the fuck out of Danny Ainge is absolutely hilarious.  Not sure if anyone saw this but apparently Ainge was talking shit about LeBron and how he was apparently crying to the refs about flagrant calls not being called.  Pat shined both barrels up and blasted Ainge with "Danny Ainge needs to shut the fuck up and manage his own team. He was the biggest whiner going when he was playing and I know that because I coached against him."  COUNT IT!  Patrick coming with the fucking tasty nuggets!  Ainge had some lame-o pussy comeback about Armani suits and hair goop.  It was a pretty pathetic attempt.  Point goes to Riley.  That's the kind of hard exterior you adapt while learning how to hate black people at Kentucky.  That had to be a class when Riley was there.  Hating N-words 101.

The Bills dedication to shittiness continues as they signed Kevin Kolb to a 2 year deal.  Maybe that happened awhile ago and I just didn't see it until now because following the Browns so closely is all the depression I can handle.  But what a LOLZ move.  Just when the entire city of Buffalo was quietly tucking their nooses away with the release of Ryan HarvardPatrick, this move happens.  Stevie Johnson can't wait to drop Kolb moon balls next year.  You know...the 2 out of 10 that actually make it near him.

Whoopity shit!  Baseball's back!!  Let the crotch grabbing and Verlander jokes commence.  Hands down the worst time for sports is right around the corner.  College basketball is coming to an end, the NBA will be done in 2 months and then it's nothing but fucking baseball and hockey until August.  Barf.  The only saving grace is making fun of sad bastard Indians fans as they cling to the fleeting hope they will someday again matter in October.

That's my time here today.  Feel free to fill the comment sections of lame ass stories of your BEST APRIL FOOLS PRANK!  And if I can find a way to Pony Express a ball tag to you, believe I will do it.  Don't forget to root for CONFERENCE PRIDE this Saturday as all you Ohio dildos cheer for YOUR Michigan Wolverines.  MoneyShot decree: If Michigan Wins it all, G$ should have to buy a McGary-Durham-Hoffman jersey and wear it once a week for the rest of his life.  And be buried in it.  Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get back to breaking the record for most jelly beans eaten in one sitting.  Starburst Jelly Beans or GTFO.

38 comments:

GMoney said...

Well Kyrie did not play last night so unless he is on the Eric Gordon LOL plan of not playing the second of back-to-backers, he might be sore again. If he can play then he should play. I don't like the notion of shutting guys down if it means that Titties Gibson will see the court.

Colt McCoy is OBVZ trash but he fits in a lot better in SF than he did in CLE. Because he's a male gay. The Niners replaced Smiff with McCoy and got a few extra picks for their trouble. You can never outfox a BRAH. Only a BRAH can do that.

I was hoping that you would shortle (shit your pants while chortling) at Andre Drummond's back-to-back airball free throws the other night in a one point loss to the Bulls. You were right, Ice, dude sucks.

Riley didn't win that. He came off like a douche. LeBron is a baby. Ainge is a pussy. A man molded from Adolph Rupp's whip does not need to lower himself to their level.

Seriously, who cries and cries that KIRK HINRICH is fouling them too hard. Dut could kick his ass and Dut can't beat up anybody. What I'm trying to say is that LeBron is a bigger bitch than Dut.

Jeff said...

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Yankeeeeeeeeeees SUCK!!

GMoney said...

Normally I would answer that with a "way to overreact after one game" but yeah they are pretty terrible at the moment.

You know who isn't bad despite 5 of their 21 guys being on the DL? Enrico Pallazzo who got off to a hot start yesterday and is already looking to shutout Dut in week 1.

The Iceman said...

Jimmy BRAH is trying to out Browns the Browns. You'll never win that matchup, James.

The NBA All Injured Reserve Team:

PG - Kyrie Irving
SG - Eric Gordon
C - Andrew Bynum
PF - Andre Kirilenko
SF - Grant Hill

Riley came off awesome. You know why? Because Boston has the biggest bitch in the NBA (Paul Pierce) on their team who cries about everything. Ainge has no place opening his vagina hole to complain about anything as long as Titbutter Pierce is suiting up for the Celtics.

Trey Burke SICK going 8th in the mock drafts I've seen. That's a STEAL.

It's no secret Drummond is a wretched FT shooter. He shoots something like 35% from the line which makes DUH-wight Howard look clutch as fuck. But I'm ready to admit fault when I originally thought Drummond was garbage. He most certainly is not. He's going to be one of the best centers in the league down the road. Now if Monroe would stop being a pussy and just shut his mouth and play.

Jeff said...

You'll probably win the next 2, but it's always good to win on opening day considering the Red Sox have started something like 0-6 the last 2 years and the Yanks haven't lost a home opening since 1982.

Beating the Flaming Duts is something we can all root for.

MUDawgfan said...

I've been living in Cincinnati since 2011 and there isn't a more hated man within the 150 mile city radius than Dusty Baker. He gets blamed for EVERYTHING.

Team can't hit for shit.

Prime99 said...

So Kyrie is on the All IR team over D. Rose?

Jeff Samardzccxvhja looked great yesterday. Good thing Marmol tried to blow the lead in true Marmol fashion.

Bay Area baseball scored 0 runs yesterday. LULZ!

GMoney said...

How did Iceman doppleganger Andrew Bogut not make that team? NEPOTISM I SAY!

I kind of like Ainge because every year he leaks to the media that he wants to trade everyone on his roster. That's the kind of pointless trolling that you can respect. "Sources tell me that Boston is looking to trade Rondo at the deadline who just had his knee explode a week ago." LOLWUT? This happens every year and with NO other teams. That's clutch.

Carlos Marmol is a Dut so expect him to be even worse than you can imagine.

Jimmy BRAH is trying to out Browns the Browns. You'll never win that matchup, James.
Why not? Everybody else does.

If this post sucks, blame Dut Baker.

The Iceman said...

"Jimmy BRAH is trying to out Browns the Browns. You'll never win that matchup, James.
Why not? Everybody else does."

Because it's impossible to out Browns the Browns. Translation...there is no team more inept than the Browns.

GMoney said...

You calling a BRAH a loser? A BRAH never fails!

GMoney said...

Goddammit, DeAngelo Hall is coming back to DC.

The Iceman said...

Irving is on the All IR team over Rose because Irving has never played a full season. I'm pretty sure Rose has. At least I know he did at the college level.

I cannot, in good faith, put Iceman Bogut on the All IR team over Bynum. Bogut is a fairly capable backup though even though he could never post 81 in a pop a shot game like a true Iceman would.

The best part about that DeAngelo Hall story is how Hall slowly realized there were literally zero other teams interested in his services. The moment he realized that and came trotting back to DC with his tail between his legs had to be gratifying for any Hall/Redskin hater. Wish I was there in person.

Anonymous said...

Pat Riley was a BOSS with those comments. Loved that they were his first comments to the media since the day after the draft....and he uses them to tell Ainge to shut his fucking mouf.

Verlander looked like Verlander yesterday. Here comes 162-0.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

The Shark was a great fantasy pickup by me. Cole Hamels, not so much. Better get his shit together because The Shark, Hamels, and Strasburg will tear thru the fantasy league. And 2 saves out of Chicago teams yesterday? We On! (That catchphrase is TRANSCENDENT and I will not leave it solely with Michigan)

I don't think it is a bad trade for the Niners. I can't wait til Weeden sucks ass and the Browns have to bring in unsigned rookie free agent; Aaron Rodgers brother. It's coming.

You knew D-lo wasn't going anywhere.

I want Kyrie to play because if he gets hurt again then the injury prone debate will be over.

Skelton left a nice little burn when leaving Arizona. All class from a 3rd string QB.

GMoney said...

I had my hopes up for Antoine Winfield because I love guys who were recruited by John Cooper. D-Hall sucks (outside of Pro Bowls and games against Catler).

Verlander looked like Verlander yesterday. Here comes 162-0.

Come on, BRAH, it's the fucking Twins. They would get smoked by McClure Pony League (same hats!).

For the life of me (and I know that I asked) I can't remember who The Shark is supposed to be. Is it Samardzija? Nice Cub, fag.

Last night I told She$ that I was a TRANSCENDENT husband. I don't remember why but it was an ELITE line. Cowherd thought it was VISCERAL.

The Icemom said...

Trust me when I say this, but Bill Wennington takes the term "Mountie" to a new level.

GMoney said...

Robinson Cano just hired Jay-Z to be his agent. WTF? That sounds like a terrible idea. Jut Verlander has reached out to Merle Haggard regarding possible representation.

Mr. Ace said...

How about Nolan Nawrocki shredding black QB's annually with extreme prejudice? Doing Ide's work.

The Iceman said...

"Jut Verlander has reached out to Merle Haggard regarding possible representation."

No shitting around. That might be the funniest line ever on this blog.

Ace...we have Jason Campbell. We're all set at the shitty backup QB slot.

Mr. Ace said...

But the future, Iceman, the future is in Aaron Rodgers' brothers hands.

Pretty sure Jut would go with a Michigan guy and get Nuge for representation, but elite Merle Haggard reference indeed.

Grumpy said...

After a night of projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea ( Iceman would be proud) I finally haul my ass out of bed at 12:40 to find G$ and Iceman arguing over Browns QB's.

Where are the commentariat today? Iceman is the funniest guest poster on the internets. If you can get nearly 80 posts for yesterday's drivel, there should be 100 today.

Pat Riley wins hands down.

GMoney said...

Apparently, Grump is shitting out of his fingers today with garbage comments like that.

Nawrocki's hatred of the black quarterback is ELITE. He used every stereotype in the book. That book is The Book of Ide.

I am a big fan of Grump being miserable. He needs to find his happy place AKA under a beautiful tree. What a lot lizard.

Anonymous said...

Anne Franks Ashes is coming out guns blazing this week. Going to put Jeff back down to the bottom where he belongs. WE ON.

Being a black quarterback is a novel concept. Sort of like being proud of being Muslim. Though, shout out to RGKnee for going to Britney Griners defense. I can only imagine that they have had really rough and awful scented sex. Not sure that abdicates him from the throne of being the gayest man in sports. I don't think it does.

Ide



The Iceman said...

Grumpy had too many Seagrams coolers last night.

Grumpy said...

Ripple.

Aaron Craft-Shook's Son said...

I'm the gayest. No one else cums close.

Anonymous said...

All praise be to Allah!

Ide

GMoney said...

You don't get to Grump's age without knowing your way around a 4 pack of Bartles & Jaymes.

Speaking of RGTHREELITE, dude has been cleared to start running. I should probably just book a flight for the Super Bowl now before the rest of my fellow nubian Skins fans drive up the prices.

It's nice to see that Aaron Craft came out here. Also nice of him to somewhat take the name of his husband.

Prime99 said...

I'm wondering if MUDawg is happy with the Braves' high quality property in their cottonfi- I mean players in their outfield.

Anonymous said...

I see we have an impostor in our midst. It's not legit if I say something quasi accepting of other peoples cultures or view points.

Good one, Prime. The fieldhands of the Hotlanta Braves are STRONK. Such as that Freeman guy that I apparently drafted on my team. I think his name is Cassius, though, I often substitute that name for any colored who resides in the south.

Ide

GMoney said...

You do realize that Freddie Freeman is really white, don't you? He is not a member of The Soul Patrol. On road trips, he does not ride on nor watch Soul Plane.

Anonymous said...

Nope. I assume anyone who named themselves Freddie would be a faggot (that guy from Queen) or black (black people named Freddie).

Ide

Anonymous said...

Also, Freddie Prinze Jr is a severely underrated actor.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

G$, congrats on getting Pat White. I bet Nawrocki loved him.

GMoney said...

Christ, are you super serial? Did he even play last year? Maybe Snyder hired him as a shoeshine.

Eh, for what we run offensively, he makes a little bit of sense as insurance for the absolute worst fucking case scenario ever.

This means that the Sex Cannon Era in DC has ended. Sad.

Mr. Ace said...

Ya, not a terrible move. Kinda feel like he would have made more sense in San Fran and Colt would make more sense in Washington. But trust in Dan Snyder, ya.

Anonymous said...

No mention of Jack Pardee passing?
And you call youself a Skins fan?

GMoney said...

I am. Jack Pardee was about 80 years before my time. I'm sure that he's doing fine.