Monday, April 22, 2013

This is OUR F*cking Website!

I'm on vacation this week so effort here is not really a priority.  That's not true.  I've got the rest of the week covered for post ideas and a great idea to tack on to the end of these posts so it looks like just today will be a phone-in.  My wife-free, work-free vacation got off to a bananas start on Saturday when I ate an entire medium pizza, drank three Molsons, and then fell asleep on the couch at 10:45 (umping a DH at Ide's alma mater in low 40 temps takes a lot out of you).  My dog woke me up a half hour later with an attitude of "dude, what the fuck?".  He was 100% correct.  Does this guy know how to party or what!

DavIDEson High School can get so fucked.  They should burn that dump down.  Today's post is simple:

How's your MLB team looking to you after three weeks?

The Yankees are doing what I expected them to do...still win in spite of all the injuries.  Sure, Derek Jeter is out for much longer than we initially thought but 39 year old DJ is not 29 year old DJ.  As long as Eduardo Nunez doesn't kick the ball around all over the place (so far so good...knock on wood) then #2's presence won't be missed THAT much.  Vernon Wells' corpse and the corpse of Pronk are both on pace to hit 50 home runs.  Terrible.  Here are a few thoughts on a few of your teams that can get the ball rolling.

Braves - They should call Justin Upton "Guster" because he is a One Man Wrecking Machine.  That is an awful reference.  BJ Upton is still shitty.

Cubs - How is it possible for Carlos Marmol to be even worse than everyone expected?

Reds - You aren't getting paid to draw walks, Joey Votto.--This sentence could totally fit into a Peter King column.

White Sox - Bad.  Ace doesn't care.  He is still smoking meat cigars from 2005.  That was 8 years ago, breh.

Tigers - I might start getting a little nervous about Victor Martinez.  He looks horrible at the plate.  Well, at least he was before you went out west and I stopped looking at your box scores.

Indians - LOL starting pitching.  At least you have two fireballers ready to come up in Alex White and Drew Pomerantz.  Whoops.

Red Sox - Christ, they're going to ride the wave of post-bomb support to an AL East crown, aren't they?  Isn't Clay Buchholz due to sprain his anus soon?  By the way, how great was possibly drunk Neil Diamond stumbling onto the field Saturday to sing!

If I forgot your team, whatever, like I said I'm not putting a lot of effort into today.  Please accept this as my penance:
Pictured: possessed dog, fag, other dog
That's right!  Lounging Cakes!  Let's try to one-up each other with hilarious captions to this picture (there will be more of these this week)!  It's going to be hard to top Ide's Facebook taunt of "nice tinted glasses, Tressel".  So take some shots at Cakes today for actually posing for this picture and pissing off his dogs forever.  They deserve better than that.  That's it.  Stay tuned for Dragon Talk hosted by Ide later as well as tomorrow's update from Iceman on Wrigley Field architecture and upgrade blueprints.


Anonymous said...

I beat Ape this week, so my team is OK. By OK, I mean shitty, but still better than Ape.

Dragon talk will be ELITE today.

CARRY THE FLAG!! The rest of the day should be dedicated to the glory of CBJ. Suck dicks Sharks!!! This Dallas game will be the game of their lives.

If I'm in the caption hunt this week try to wait for Friday. I plan on getting a great photo with some minority at the Draft.


Grumpy said...

Sad when your dogs look more intelligent than you.

Anonymous said...

I lost my balls, but I've still got my dogs.

Anonymous said...

The set of Rosanne called and wanted their decorations back.

Interior design burn!


The Iceman said...

I play in a basketball league on Sundays where the officiating is horrific. For example, I was told this yesterday by a ref when questioning a foul called. "If a defender is in the air and there's contact it's a foul every time." I said, "Even if the defender jumps straight up and the offensive guy jumps into him?" He responds with "Yes". Keep in mind we pay these fucking clowns 40 bucks a week to not know or understand the rule book. So yesterday this ref called a bullshit foul and as we were lining up for free throws people were bitching about it. The ref says, "Jesus, this is worse than high school." And a teammate of mine snaps back with, " What? The officiating? You're right. It is worse than high school." Gets T'ed up. My point is....I hope you aren't THAT guy when you ump G$. The guy who makes shit head comments and when gets fucking got by someone responds with a T. Because that guy is a pussy.

Jeff said...

CARRY IT MOFOS!!!! JOEY with a play for the ages last night!!

Drunk Neil Diamond is awesome! The Sox have gotten great starting pitching, surprisingly. Way to lose 2 yesterday to the Royals! Buchholz and Lester have been lights out. Bullpen has been great with the exception of the closer, Bailey or Hanrahan, liking to give up tape measure shots. Lost in the great start is the fact that Jackie Bradley Jr. has sucked! He needs some time in the minors to get that confidence back up.

LOLZ at the Kazmir!! 19 runs of support in 4 innings and he can't go long enough to be on record for the win.

GMoney said...

RYAN JOHANSEN SICK! We're going to do this. Hell, we might even be able to get to #7 since the Wild are ass.

Ice, I've been doing this for 12 years now and have thrown out one guy who was a total bleached asshole. I don't go out there looking for trouble.

The Jets could use one of their two first round picks on Ryan Nassib. YES! DO THIS! Radio City would explode with Jets fan angst if they picked a QB from the goddamn Cuse.

Anonymous said...

Wait, was your whoops comment about White and Pomeranz in reference to the Indians being stupid for trading them away or in reference to them not being good? One of these answers can make you look really stupid...


Prime99 said...

"The forecast is lonely with a high probability of dog hair in my beer."

"He's definitely doing those dogs."

"Sir, I can see you are a man exquisite tastes- can I interest you in volcano insurance?"

Holy shitballz the Cubs are TERRIBLE. The are like the real life version of the Cubs from "Rookie of the Year" before they acquired a 12 year old to pitch every damn day. Marmot is bad but the Cubs defense is fiery anus of hell horrible.

And Da Bulls were about that good on Saturday as well. Good thing the Blackhawks are looking like they will get the easiest first round match in the history of the NHL.

Great stuff on Twitter on Friday. Live tweeting a brand new episode of "24" was pretty great.

Prime99 said...

Also, are we certain that was Neil Diamond or Will Ferrell portraying Neil Diamond?

GMoney said...

I prefer Will Ferrell's Robert Goulet impression.

Seal, I know where both of them are now. I also know that neither one are very good at the moment.

Mark Letestu looks exactly like Wes Welker. He also has similar grit.

Prime, "he's definitely doing that dog" is a Dirty Work reference, right? Because that made me LOL.

Anonymous said...

Tigers got their shit shoved in at Anaheim over the weekend.

There are rumors the Bills may take Nassib at 8....LOLZ.

Carry my ball sack ya cunts.


Mr. Ace said...

"Just me and my bitches"

"I love doggystyle"

If you team hasn't won a World Series after 2005, THEN DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME!!! My Sox have went on a bit of a skid, but the division is terrible. WE ON!

I was hoping Nassib fall to the second round or so and the Eagles would grab him. I like him. But then he scored a 41 on the Wonderlic and now he is Peyton Manning.

Prime99 said...

You hit the nail on the head, G$. Dirty Work is fine entertainment.

GMoney said...

The Bills and Jets are going to be fighting over Osama El Nassib. That should say it all regarding his skill set. Two awful teams like him = he sucks.

My team has won a series since then so you are gay. Thanks for paying your league dues though unlike Ide and Dut who are the shitdick brothers.

Brady said...

I was drunk and watching the Indians score 3 touchdowns when that was taken. The dogs did not leave my side the whole night because I'm their master and I'm awesome. The wife thought it was adorable and decided to take a picture. I now regret my decision to post it on the internet.

That was Kazmir's first start in like two years. I was OK with his velocity but he still needs to knock the rust off. I'm mildly encouraged at his outing which should say everything you need to know about our starting pitching.

Mark Reynolds... AL MVP. Not only did he smoke his league-leading 7th bomb yesterday, he saved the fucking game with his glove in the ninth. Great pick up this offseason. Dude is going to strike out but if he continues hitting YUGE bombs at YUGE times, I'm good with it.

Anonymous said...

"Hopefully one of these bitches lets me get it in tonight"

"My dream threesome"


Prime99 said...

I forgot to give you props on the Guster reference. It was pretty bad, but I enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

Too much baseball talk for a Monday. So let's change the subject to DRAGONS.

"Everyone on Game of Thrones can get it"

- Donna from Parks & Rec

Sho yo right Donna Sho. Yo. Right.

This episode was completely badass from start to finish. I can't think of one thing that was less than awesome all show long.

Jamie drinking horse piss with his hand dangling from his neck is just good writing. This show makes a sister fucking child killer into a sympathetic character. That sentence sums up why this show is tits. Speaking of tits, none this week. I guess that's my complaint.

LOL Theon. Going all out on an ambitious escape attempt to come back the same torture chamber and being framed for killing 6 guys. Good. I have zero sympathy for him.

Night's Watch was actually fun. From the old guy on Braveheart forgetting that dead guys name to all the mass carnage and throat slicing that took place. Great stuff. Plus, that fat bastard Sam gets to be chased down by those hungry mutinees. Run fast, piggy, indeed.

Tywin Lannister owning Cersei is always welcome. Tywin just needs to be in every episode writing letters or skinning deer, and tossing out sage fatherly advice. It's what he's great at.

Margaery now owns Joffrey. I would be mad, but I would probably eat her shit if she asked me, so I can't blame the little guy. Do you, player. I hate Sansa, but I would be a big fan if she married that faggot. The bedroom scene there, would be fine television.

Lady Olenna and Varys scheming and talking about shit is always a fun time. "What happens when something non-existant bumps up with something decrepit? Question for the philosphers." Best. Line. Ever.

Challenging the Hound to a trial by combat is smart. Well played, House Bolton. I'm sure that will end well.

Danaerys. Meh, nothing much happened here. Except, her going HAM on all of Astapor. That look she gave the slavers while she totes owned him in his own language (talk about sitting on a spoiler the past few weeks), then unleashed DRAGONS all over them was amazing. I TOTES rewatched that part asap. That OH SHIT look the black girl gave when Dany started talking in Valyrian was just awesome.

Only roughly 15 storylines last night, and all of them were amazing. The women now hold all the power, which would suck, if it weren't for the two women being completely hot, manipulative, prone to nudity, and awesome. Oh, and dragons.


Prime99 said...

Ide's recap was very good. To clarify though, The Hound will battle Beric Dondarrion on the Brotherhood Without Banners, not anyone from House Bolton.

Daenyrius has been boring since Drogo died... Up until last night! That was fantastic. Dragons are not slaves, indeed.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, whoops. Bolton has Jamie. Those clans were even confusing in the books. Since both hung out around the wilderness near Harrenhal.


Jeff said...

Good dragons talk!

Anonymous said...

Last night's GOT episode was the best of the season by leaps and bounds. The last scene where Daenyrius was marching out of the city gates with 8,000 ELITE fighters and dragons made me think shit's about to get real. Unless, of course, it takes the rest of the season for her to even get to Westeros, which is a distinct possibility.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Dany straight OWNED last night. The look on Ser Jeroh (whatever his name is...might be Ginger Beard) was priceless. It was like OH SNAP SON! I TOTES want her to rule the world and declare clothes on her and her assistant to be against the law.

I said it in the Uproxx post but old lady looks like she should be in the Trade Federation from the terrible Star Wars movies. She looks exactly like one of those green guys. ELITE nerd reference.

I think that the best part of GoT this week was that I watched it right after the Jackets shit all over San Jose. All of these characters better watch out for Todd Richards. If he wants the Throne, he's going to take it.

Fear not, Cakes, you won't be the only one under attack this week. You just got us started off right.

Mr. Ace said...

I have never watched Game of Thrones. It seems interesting. From conversations it seems like the movie 300 but with more groups and dragons. And, possibly, more tits. Easy to understand its popularity.

Also, Darren Rovell is the worst. Nothing new. But just a reminder.

Anonymous said...

I gave Iceman my hbogo account info, to which I doubt the useless fucker has used it. I know he hasn't, because he would be caught up on Thrones by now.

There is more nudity than even the raunchiest Cinemax late night offering. Which is good, because, I like my women nude. SPOILER ALERT: Ygritte's fire bush and bare body is on deck for next week. Huzzah! Now, we just need more Margaery, and that new Nubian lackey of Dany's couldn't hurt. Though G$'s fleshlight will take a beating if that happens.


GMoney said...

Ide uses "huzzah" more than Patton Oswalt. You are stealing his material.

I hate Darren Rovell. I also hate Sal Paolantonio. He's just so smug. Where are you getting this confidence from? You are an Italian Shelley Smith. NO ONE watches Edge NFL Matchup.

Anonymous said...

He stole it from Tobias Funke. Because, he is a terrible human and is NOT FUNNY. If you like Oswalt, you also like Dane Cook. I said it.


Brady said...

The theatrical readings of the crazy sorority chicks' letter on Funny or Die are amazing. I could watch them all day.