Monday, April 29, 2013

The ONLY NFL Draft Recap Worth Reading

Something about drugs...
Before we get started with the Draft fallout, sonofabitch, the ELITE CBJ just ran out of games and no one fucking helped them out at all.  Regardless, it was an amazing season and I'm bananas in love with the future going forward.  We'll get them next year.  Fuck off, Jeff Carter, you had two chances to get your old teammates (that you sandbagged) a much needed victory and you ate shit in both.  No one wants to watch the fucking Wild or Red Wings.  Those teams are garbage.  BOOOOOOOO!!!  The NHL better make it up to us by picking our name out for the #1 pick.  We have a 1% chance at that but after watching this team all season, I'll take those odds!

OK, so I managed to watch a shitload of the Draft as I am wont to do and now I'm able to fire up a winners and losers post today.  Read it carefully because this will likely be the only one on the internet.  First up, the biggest loser of the weekend was Jon Gruden's boy toy, Tyrann Mathieu!  Oh man, I hope that you were watching on Friday night because it was great.  The Honey Badger was sitting there like an idiot and then going to play some billiards and general bo-janglin'.  And then Bruce Arians and his stupid caddy hat called while everyone lied about him being a great fit with Arizona.  The actual great fit is Mathieu and Joe Arpaio's Tent City.  Yet it got even better when Trey Wingo interviewed him live.  MAJOR LULZ.  That was the best.  I don't know if Mathieu is a changed man but I am 100% certain that he can't read.  There has never been a dumber sounding man than The Honey Badger on Friday night.  It's these kind of things that completely justify why I watch as much of the Draft as I do.

LOSER - The Cleveland Browns!  I liked the Mingo pick but not much else made sense.  For a roster with massive holes all over it, Mike Lombardi's Fat Ass had no problem dumping picks this year for future picks.  That is such a stupid thing.  You need players NOW.  Are you telling me that there wasn't anyone in the 4th or 5th round that could make your team and be productive?  Fuck that.  DUMB.

WINNER - The Cincinnati Bengals!  Quietly, the Bingles have been drafting extremely well for years now.  Tyler Eifert was an awesome pick that will make Green and Gresham better.  They also got a Ray Rice-type back, a freak DE, and a starting safety.

WINNER - This Pittsburgh Steelers!  Jarvis Jones was a great pick that is going to be annoyingly solid forever.  I have no idea why they think that Le'Veon Bell is better than Eddie Lacy but this is the same organization that took Rashard Mendenpoop in the first round so maybe they just don't care about running backs.  Shamarko Thomas is a really good safety and that Markus Wheaton kid is already the second best receiver on the team.  Good work done by bad people.

LOSER - The Dallas Cowboys!  When they drafted a center in the first round with a third round grade on him, apparently Jason Garrett had his head in his hands while scouts were yelling at Jerry Jones' idiot son to not make that pick.  They did it anyway.  The rest of their picks were also horrible.  I've always rooted for Jerry Jones to die but now I think that I'd rather have him live forever because he is absolutely ruining that franchise.

WINNER - The San Diego Chargers!  They got three first round picks without making any trades (Fluker Te'o, and Keenan Allen).  Now they just have to get a QB.  I did not fail to see how they just lost a Polynesian LB due to body holes and replaced him with another who will one day eat bullets.  LOLS!

LOSER - The Philadelphia Eagles!  I don't know what they traded to go get old Bonerz Barkley but they were the one team that had to have Bonerz and that automatically makes them losers.  Sorry, Chip, I'm sure that Bonerz will be awesome in your up tempo offense.  LOL!  Their other picks were pretty good though.

LOSER - The Buffalo Bills!  No one else even comes close.  This was such a disaster.  Never hire a 75 year old man to be your GM. EJ Manuel is total shit.

WINNER - The New York Jets!  It was a really good draft for them.  The only potential franchise QB in this draft fell in their gunts.  They replaced Revis and now they might be able to cut El Shitbox.  Good weekend for the SHOW YOUR TITS!

WINNER - The Washington Redskins! - They are going to win next year as well just as a warning.  But I actually liked what they did.  CB David Amerson is a ball hawker, fast, and big.  Phillip Thomas and Bacarri Rambo could be the starting safeties next year (one of them definitely will start this Fall).  TE Jordan Reed has the raw skills to be a stud.  Plus, our first round pick was 1/3 of RG3.  Plus again, if my team drafts a guy with the last name RAMBO then they will be in my heart forever.  I also liked them taking Chris Poopson as a third down back.

LOSER - Denard Robinson!  The biggest moment of his life will always be remembered because of his ELITE brother's troll skills.  Hilarious. Have fun in Jacksonville, Shoelace.

WINNERS - The Entire NFC North!  I thought that all four teams drafted really well and got much better this weekend (although if I had to pick a loser, it would be the Bears who had some reaches).  The Vikings loaded up with three first round picks.  The Bears finally addressed the OL and decrepit LB corps without taking that chinaman from Notre Dame.  The Lions got a stud pass rusher, solid corners, and a mauler at guard.  The Packers might finally commit to the run with Lacy.  Well done, NORF!

WINNER - The St. Louis Rams!  Loved it.  They are my ultimate and supreme winners of the draft weekend.  Austin, Ogletree, McDonald, and Bailey are all SICK players. I'm still not sold on Sam Firewater being a great QB, but he has no excuses now.

LOSER - The Atlanta Falcons!  Not really, they re-did their secondary with Trufant and Alford so that was fine.  I was just handing out too many winner ribbons.

Another fine draft in the books.  I'm happy with what I saw.  What do you say?  Now if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to find a RAMBO Redskins jersey smeared with gook/comrade/Brian Dennehy blood.  It will be my Holy Grail.

33 comments:

BRAD MORGAN said...

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Anonymous said...

Red Wings mothafuckas. Suck a dick, G$.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Lacy had surgery to fuse bones in his toe.

Bell= Bettis=SUPER BOWL!

Anonymous said...

Haha spammers ate right through your robot guard. SKYNET IS ACTIVE!

I enjoyed the Browns draft. Trading a 4 and a 5 for a 3 and 4 in a better draft class is good hustle. I'll take it. Clowney or bust!

Bell will fizzle out like he did at MSU.

Shoelaces brother is indeed ELITE.

I was really bummed about CBJ. Going 19-5 to close out the season was YUGE, and those 2 first rounders we have will please me, but, fuck that, I wasn't done carrying the flag. At least next year we will be in the East. Bitches are now on notice.

Ide

GMoney said...

Not a spammer. Just a huge fan. Brad Morgan is now nominated for Commenter of the Year!

3 first rounders, Ideford. Three. I would be more upset if we choked or something but we didn't. In fact, this was probably the best way to end the season without winning the cup itself. I would imagine that season ticket orders go way up this offseason. I think that the East will be a little easier for us since most of those teams play pussy finesse hockey while we prefer to check the shit out of people.

Most football players have had surgery. Le'Veon Bell is from Columbus so he must be bad.

Ace said...

The Cowboys are hilarious. Never change, Jerry Jones.

I will take Lacy all day over Bell. Fused toes or not.

I am okay with the Barkley pick after having time to reflect on it. Chip used to kill it at New Hampshire going up-tempo with pocket QB's. Chip's offensive versatility knows no bounds. Really liked Philly's draft.

G$, the Browns are always playing for next year. Never forget that.

So glad the Spurs got a first round bye.

Anonymous said...

The Red Wings trolled the shit out of the Poo Jackets all year....spotted you guys games....and then ruined the final day of the year. A nice final act as division mates.

Tenor is looking for a job.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I've always wanted to see Jerry Jones die because he is an awful human being but now I want him to live forever. He is just so bad at running a team that I don't want it to ever end.

Yep, Browns are always putting off the rebuild. They'll get around to that next year surely.

Drew, I'm fine with the Wings getting in since they didn't lose at all the last three weeks. I'm more pissed at Minnesota who is fucking awful and underachieved yet gets rewarded by being crushed by Chicago. I definitely think that the Blackhawks are much happier to draw the Wild than the CBJ.

Ape is going to buy a Bonerz jersey.

Prime99 said...

I believe the Bears reached a little on Bostic, but he'll still be good and I'm happy they finally addressed O-Line. I don't think I've ever seen that before. Previously, they'd draft one offensive lineman and then ignore the OL for the rest of that draft and the following draft. This year, they get the spawn of Howie "Broken Arrow" Long who was mentored by Chip Kelly and then also drafted Jordan Mills.

Did I mention they drafted a dude named Cornelius? That is solid by itself.

So was Black Forcier's brother blowing him when he camera-bombed the newest Jaguar?

I can't watch ESPN's coverage any longer. NFL Network all day.

Don't worry flag carriers, the Blackhawks will make quick work of the Wild and you can consider it revenge.

The Iceman said...

Not sure why you think the browns lost in this draft. Oh...that's right. Because you hate them. They had 3 glaring needs. WR, CB and a pass rusher. Well...QB too but we already knew that need was going to be ignored this year. Like it is every year. At the end of the day they drafted or traded for players that filled all those needs. And the last time I checked, the common theme to this draft was "weak talent". So why in the hell would the Browns want to stockpile and use picks in a draft that doesn't have the talent? Makes zero sense...much like your assessment. I'm not saying what the Browns did is going to make them contend next year. But they filled needs with good players like they were supposed to.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to prison rape the Eastern conference next year. High sticking Crosby and concussing his pussy self into season long dementia should be priority one. Winning every game at MSG when I am in attendance should be priority two.

Three picks? That is great news indeed! I love that our team is basically all under 25, and that we aren't afraid to go get a couple grizzled veterans in free agency. Our cap space still looks nice, so maybe we can pull us one more big fish to go with our draft class and have a ROBUST season. Team of the future.

Since no one has brought it up, I will. LOLS Quentin Groves. Stupid fucking LB from the Browns gets stung for trying to spend $197.50 on a hooker. WHAT HOOKER CHARGES FITTY FUCKING CENTS, YOU BLACK ASSHOLE?! And he is married. In related news, MLK died on Mad Men yesterday, so there's some reprieve.

I'm excited for Dragons today, as well.

Ide

GMoney said...

Keep telling yourself that the Browns only have a handful of needs. That is adorable. Losers be losin'. The Skins/Ravens/Niners/other good teams got starters and contributors in the late rounds. It's only a weak draft if your front office is retarded.

I'm glad that you watched Mad Men last night because that episode was right up your alley. LOL at Don acting like he gave a fuck about MLK. Bobby Draper should have demanded that Don take him to see Troy McClure in "Stop The Planet of the Apes, I Want To Get Off". Can I play the piano anymore?
Why of course you can!
Well, I couldn't before!

Prime, the day one coverage on ESPN is shit. Day 2 is terrific though with Mel, McShay, Wingo, and Dildo. That is four guys who know what they're talking about. I really wish that they would get rid of Bill Polian. That guy was a TERRIBLE GM on draft day.

GMoney said...

Such a sad day that Tenor is unemployed. Maybe his next stop will be in Columbus so he can go back to being Urban Meyer's top.

Iceman, think of it this way...are the Browns better after the draft? Maybe a little, but not like 28 or so other teams in the league. Thus YOU LOSE.

Anonymous said...

Its pretty LOLZ that G$ puts the skins in the same bunch as the two teams that played in the Super Bowl, when the Skins havent won a playoff game in 8 years and you have a gay, one-legged QB. You can THINK youre good, once you are relevant in the playoffs.

Seal

The Iceman said...

So it's a weak draft. And that sentiment is shared by nearly everyone who reports this shit for a living. And you think the Browns are dumb for trading away picks in a weak draft. Please explain how that makes sense. I'd love to know how picking guys in rounds 4-7 of a weak NFL talent draft is supposed to improve this team.

So the BIGGEST needs (happy?) for the Browns were WR, CB and OLB. They filled those needs. Please tell me...what more did they need to do in your eyes to be on the winning side of things? And don't say "not trade draft picks away" because we've already determined that is dumb to say.

Ace said...

I could be wrong, but most analysts didn't say this was a weak draft, rather that the first round was weak. That doesn't mean that the value was lacking in the later rounds. Again, you're the Browns so it's not like one draft is going to make you compete(especially if not drafting a QB). You're playing for next year. Again. But you weren't as bad as the Cowboys. So there's that.

I don't think I will get a Bonerz jersey unless he wins a Super Bowl. And then I will probably just get a lifetime supply of Chip Kelly visors.

GMoney said...

In a strange way, the CBJ season ended perfectly sort of like how the Flint Tropics won the "Mega Bowl" at the end of Semi Pro. Sure, they didn't get what they were hoping for but Saturday night sure as hell felt like the players and fans won it all. And in that aspect, it was satisfying.

Seal, when you fill needs throughout the roster with guys who have way higher round grades than where you picked them at, that is a HUGE win (their 2 fourth, fifth, and sixth round picks all had 3rd round grades). And why wouldn't I rate my team's strategy higher. I am not an objective fan and never have been. Did you see RG3 doing jumping jacks? SUPER BOWL!!!

It was a weak draft because the QBs, RBs, and WRs were shitty. Everywhere else, the draft was loaded. It was weak because it wasn't sexy. You can't tell me that the Browns couldn't have used more beef or secondary help than what they got. Instead, Whale decided to use the Bill Belichick method approach for the draft and Double B drafts like shit constantly. So good luck with that.

You're a loser because you didn't do anything. Would you like a winning grade because you got 4-5 guys total? That's not how this works in the business of grading draft classes which I am definitely in.

I don't hate the Browns. I hate incompetence which the new regime still is. Some things never change.

Anonymous said...

We could've used another tackle, for sure, but we made a decent splash in free agency, and we got at least two starters out of the draft. We have more than enough pieces to work with while we wait for a better, sexier class. I agree with you that this was a linemans dream year, and I was loving all the prospects. I fully agree on drafting lineman in the first few rounds because, statistically, they have a great chance to pan out. Unless, you get some fat fuck from Florida. Fuck you Gerard Warren.

We could have done more, but our second pick is already a great one with Josh Morgan, and McFadden will match up well across from Haden. I still love Ward, so, our secondary should be much improved from last year. No word on what our fronts will do going back to a 3-4. We change schemes so much on defense, I don't even care to speculate during the off season.

Too bad there isn't any rich people in the Cleveland MSA who has enough to buy the impending Browns fire sale. We'll get some shitbag from Texas who just wants to own a team to swing his dick around.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Well ESPN and NFL network didn't hesitate to remind people that the talent pool wasn't as strong as the past. Was there good talent available late? Sure. But by the sounds of things there will be more misses in the later rounds than hits. So if you have a chance to stockpile picks for a future draft that will have more talent in the later rounds, why is that dumb?

I'd love to see stats indicating how often later round guys you seem to think the Browns missed out on by trading picks actually make a difference. Like I said...I don't have the stats but I would think the first 3 rounds is where you need to build your team. Not rounds 4-7.

GMoney said...

Well, the Browns definitely have an ELITE track record of dominating drafts. I am not doing homework to win an argument that I've already won.

Oh no you di-n't, Ide. Josh MORGAN is OURS, baby!!! You can have your inferior Josh.

Teams without a ton of holes (that aren't changing defensive schemes this year) should be stockpiling picks. Bad teams should not (or at least don't do it twice).

I fail to see how you fail to see that in a post deeming winners and losers of the 2013 Draft, that the Browns aren't losers here.

Anonymous said...

CBJ stockpiled picks for this draft and they were ass terrible last year, and have pretty rotten ownership, that seems to have pulled their head out of their ass (or got lucky). So, don't get all preachy on us.

You really can't judge our failures until a year from now. Then you can be all like rofls, told you so. But by then, RG3 will have come out like his male counterpart on the womens team, and we can all laugh at his continued failures.

Dragon talk soon, I have to finish a project.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Today is Jay Cutler's bday and he can't even get a shout out?! His foundation is hosting an 80's dance party with special guest- BILLY OCEAN! ELITE!

The Browns are losers of the draft because they are perceived as losers in reality. The reason for this is because they lose lots of games. They will be winners when they win. Deal with it.

Game of Thrones has significantly picked up. The last two episodes have been just fantastic.

GMoney said...

Prime just shows up and drops knowledge bombs all over the place.

I'll let Ide do his dragons thing but I must say that I was not expecting Brienne to have a nice turd cutter. Was that a stunt ass? It had to be a stunt ass. Ygritte for the win. ELITE nudity on her.

Anonymous said...

Dragons!

As mentioned, Ygritte and Brienne came correct with the nudity. Ygritte moves up mightily in the rankings. No gratuitous fire bush was a major disservice to the viewers. Brienne had an amazing ass, even though her backside looked like she could squat a fucking house.

Arya finally got her fire back! After a few weeks of being a woman, she got to be badass again. I TOTES wanted to see her stab the Hound one good time. More people need to get in on this Lord of Light. Dude balls. Shadow demons and immortality by drunks is a solid foundation for faith.

The whole Stannis thing was meh, but it'd better be going somewhere. His deformed daughter was a nice touch, and the Onion Knight is still ELITE.

Jorah is TOTES getting defensive around Barristan. I doubt that it would happen, but I'd like to see those two go at it. Are the slaves all eunuchs? If not, Dany is TOTES going to fuck Grey Worm.

LOLS Robb Stark. Killing the Karstark guy was the dumbest fucking move you could do. While I am all for hanging those other guys, the women had a point. Never lose half your army over two dead Joffrey lookalikes. Grats to Thrones for killing children every season. You don't get to see that very often. Good luck on Casterly Rock though, I'd love to see the reaction of Tywin if that happens.

I am now convinced that Jamie should win every single award handed out this year. Dude has owned every scene he's been in. That hot tub scene was amazing. Bonus Brienne (or Jamie, if you're into that (does Dut watch?)) ass scene.

Weddings/Tywin's ELITE fathering skills. No clue how to break down all of this scheming and conniving regarding the four weddings. Joffrey to Margaery seems good to go, then we get into the Sansa business where Tywin PIMPS out his own children to various fags/Starks. That last scene was all sorts of awesome and Tywin wins father of the year forever. Tyrion weds Sansa before she weds that faggot Loras, and for good measure Cersei weds the faggot Loras before he can wed Sansa. Finally, a show to make me care about weddings.

Next week looks to be just bananas, and I fully imagine that it will be. Also, no Samwell and retard crows makes for an exciting week.

Ide

Brady said...

I was OK with what the Browns did. Like Ice said, this draft was all kinds of shit and it was hard to make a splash. It hurt to trade with the Steelers though. I'm sure that safety they picked will go on to have an All Pro career and probably hurt 2-3 1st round draft choices by the Browns over the years.

I LOL at Iceman trying to convince me that Bonerz was a good pick in the third round. Your man crush for him runs deep my, my friend.

The Iceman said...

Look. Was this a home run draft for Cleveland? No. That's why I'm not saying they should be in the "winner" category. But it certainly wasn't a loss if you're able to fill 2 big needs with guys who can step in and start from day 1. C+ to B- is what I say.

See if I'm understanding this. You're saying that with a team that is already going to be terrible this year, you would keep all of your picks and blow them in a draft that is talent inferior to next years. Even if you have the option of getting MORE picks in a draft that is supposed to have better talent only 1 year later, you're not taking advantage of that. When you're going to be terrible no matter if you trade the picks or keep them this year. That's what you're telling me? Sounds retarded.

Prime99 said...

Grey Worm is a eunuch but Daeny will have to quench her sexual desire soon- she's the queen of dragons for chrisesake!

Robb couldn't be dumber. He isn't ELITE like the NFC NORF!

Jon Snow munches fire box. Well played, Snow.

GMoney said...

Next year's draft could end up being like Bonerz...looks great now, fucking rotten in a year. If you have decent scouts (and Mike Lombardi is not one) then you can find DEPF in ANY draft. You need bodies; not ghost runners. Like I said, I'm OK if they did this once but twice on such a talent-poor roster is DUMB.

This is the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (copyright every ESPN analyst). There isn't a ton of difference between 10-6 and 6-10. The goddamn Colts made the playoffs last year. Stop throwing away seasons/drafts and praying for good fortune the next year which never happens.

You needed to fill 15 holes and you filled 2 of them. Good work.

Another great Dragons episode!
*Prime, look at Tywin Lannister. This is how you be a dad. Study all the tapes on him and you will be fine.

*Stannis is pretty much the worst person/actor ever, correct? His scenes are always the worst non-Theon scenes.

*I'm glad that the blacksmith is staying behind. He did nothing.

*I don't know if it will happen this season, but when Dany and The Unsullied get to King's Landing with NO ONE seeing them coming, dear God that will be glorious. I feel like Milhouse waiting on Itchy, Scratchy, and Poochie to get to the fireworks factory. I just can't wait for that surprise annihilation. It's going to be the best.

*I was strangely rooting for Jamie to bang Brienne in the hot tub. I'm not sure what to think about that.

*Not GoT related, but CLAY DAVIS IS ON VEEP!!! SHEEEEEEEEEEEIT!!!

Anonymous said...

And I thought my ROBUST reference went unnoticed. That show is great.

Yeah, they shed Arya of her useless hangers ons, now it's time for her to wander Westeros like Kane from Kung Fu.

I was also hoping for Jamie to stick it to Brienne. Or, rather, more realistically, the other way around. I imagine she would fuck the life out of any man.

I don't mind Stannis as an actor, and I suppose he should still be licking his wounds, but spice his story the fuck up. At least, throw in some more red priestess bangings.

Theon looks to be in a world of hurt next week. I could watch Theon get tortured for hours.

Ide

The Iceman said...

This isn't the worst Browns draft I've lived through. It certainly wasn't the best, either. I get what you're saying with needing players. I just don't think you need to spend those picks if there aren't guys that can help in this draft. What good does having bodies do if those bodies don't make the team?

I would've been fine with a 3rd or 4th rounder on Bonerz. The dude was graded as a first round talent only a year ago. He was just plagued by a bad team and an even worse coach. Worst case scenario he just ends up like every other Browns 4th round pick. In the arena league or unemployed.

I was okay with how this draft was done. Good not great in a year where the talent was good not great.

Anonymous said...

NBA player Jason Collins becomes 1st openly gay man in major professional sports. Sources close to Collins claim RG3 is about to break the football homosexual barrier soon

GMoney said...

Rex Grossman the Third does not find you very amusing and will be stopping by your mother's house tonight to show you how little he thinks of you and your kind.

anonymous commenters are never funny

GMoney said...

So we all agree with me then...the Browns are the Icemen of the NFL. See you tomorrow.