Friday, April 19, 2013

Pray For Boston. Do Not Pray For David Boston.

Pictured: Me all next week with Seal's haircut
It’s been a pretty tough week to be an American after the tragedies in Boston, Waco, a Sacramento-area hospital room, and whoever agreed to be in a relationship with J-Rupe (congrats, Tonya…I guess?). But, for me at least, I’m beginning to see the sunshine after the storm. As you probably don’t know or care about, I usually take a week off in April to umpire every day and pray that there is no rain. It always intentionally falls on NFL Draft Week so obviously this is happening next week. Also, She$ notified me (after I had already planned this week off) that she was going to go down to Florida over the same time to visit her sister. No work AND no wife for a full week? YES! This is going to be great. It’s just me and the dog out in the yard chewing on dead animals. There are a few topics that I would like to discuss before I get started on my week of not wearing a shirt very much:

*The NFL schedule was released last night. The opening game is Ravens at Broncos which should be an ass-kicking because we all know that Peyton Manning is only competent during the regular season (and is not nearly as ELITE as his brother and Joe Flacco). Feel free to break down your team’s schedule in the comments. Anyone who has the Browns over 6 wins can get so fucked. I will probably pick the Redskins to go to the Super Bowl since I won’t be able to do it on Thursday night as is tradition. So sad. I do have a potential Skins game road trip planned though and we all want to know which city Seal and Company will be invading for his BRAHchelor party weekend. These next 6-7 days are sort of the beginning of the NFL season so enjoy it.

*I’ve probably mentioned this before but I REALLY hate beer snobs. Is there anything more annoying than some pompous ass discussing craft beer and why the beer that you’re drinking is so uncivilized? Look, I don’t mind spending 7 bucks every once in a while on a pint of Shitsniffer’s Caramel Crème Ale or whatever, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with drinking watered-down light beer either. The only people who should be judged for their beer choice are those who drink Natural Light or Beast. That is it. I’m glad that you have a sophisticated palate, Peter King, but any man who puts fruit in his beer is a male Britney Griner.

*Travis Hafner SICK! It’s going to very LOL-worthy when he stays healthy all year and pumps out 25+ homers. And if he doesn’t, who cares, only an idiot would pay him 8 figures per season.

*Finally, did you all see that little tribute that the Yankees did for Boston on Tuesday night. They put the team logos next to each other with “United We Stand” or something next to it and then played Sweet Caroline after the third inning as a show of solidarity. At the risk of coming off like a terrorist here, I HATED THAT. I’m not saying this because you expect me to take this point of view given what I’ve said about treatment of your enemies in the past. I seriously was pissed off about this. A moment of silence would have been more than enough. Yes, times are tough in the land of chowder and Tommy from Quincy right now. I get that. It’s not like I’m glad that that happened or wish that more people died or anything, but I can’t help but think that after 9/11 none of those pink hat wearing Massholes were rooting for the Yankees to beat Arizona or singing “New York, New York” at fucking Fenway. Two wrongs make a right when it comes to preserving a rivalry. Fuck that shit. COMPASSION IS WEAKNESS!!!

Wow. Now that I wrote that out, it sure does sound pretty terrible. It came off a lot better in my head. As a reminder, I am ANTI-TERRORISM. Whatever, the heart wants what it wants and it wants to not have Neil Diamond played in front of our 20K empty seats. Hey Ohio fans focused on conference pride, what I just did is what a rivalry is supposed to look like!!! Two bombs going off doesn’t change the fact that the Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Boston Celtics, and Boston Bruins can all eat shit. I RULE! See you on Monday…good times never seemed so good!

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

SUP BRAHS...

*Lions got the Fudge Packers on Turkey Day again...fucking gay....another loss.

*Lions are going to TOTES beat the Skins...AGAIN....and the Browns this year.

*Dumb to fire Lawrence Frank.

*I drank craft beer and natural light. I'll do whatever.

*Bad week for Boston? Awful week for Cleveland sports...

--Cleveland Basketball is looking to hire the coach that they previously fired and who couldn't win it all with the best player in the world.

--Cleveland Baseball is in last place and employs Ubaldo.

--Cleveland Football's owner is gonna to jail.

--Cleveland is still too poor to support a hockey team.

P.S....Nice Carrying last night....LOLZ!

---Drew

Anonymous said...

Brown's @ NY Jets. LOL I will be there. Let's get in a fight.

Seal, don't go to the Jets game for your bachelor party.

Sweet Caroline at the Yankee game is retarded. However, that national anthem at the Bruins game was awesome. That kind of patriotism makes me want to blow up a country.

So G$ is taking a week off wearing no shirt, masturbating, and umping young boys? Sounds about right .

Ide

Grumpy said...

Is Dut moving in for the week?

Anonymous said...

Isn't "male Britney Griner" redundant?

GMoney said...

I said nothing about jerking. That's sinful. What Would Tenor Do.

So it was a couple of Russians, eh? That's a shocker. They must not enjoy The Americans as much as the rest of us. They better not try to pin this on Sergei Bobrovsky.

Tough loss last night as the FIF game in 7 nights caught up to them. You could tell right away that they didn't have their legs. Oh well, need to dominate the remaining three games. Still...pass us then talk, scrote.

If the fucking Cavs bring back Mike Brown I will burn down The Q. I've done it before. I will do it again.

Raiders at Cowboys on Turkey Day? Our first ever Terrelle Pryor holiday!

GMoney said...

male Griner = male gay...just to end your confusion

Prime99 said...

I'll start my comment by quoting the great Russian, Yakov Smirnoff: "In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland." What a country!

The Bears schedule looks ridiculous on paper. NFC NORF sick, OBVS, and they play the AFC NORF and the NFC East. Throw in the Saints and an improving Rams squad (probably the weakest team on the schedule) and it is going to be quick the task to match their playoff-less 10-6 from last year, but in Trestman we trust!

There's a guy at my work who brews his own beer and considers himself a beer aficionado. Listening him describe a beer is like listening to Terry Bradshaw describe football highlights. Annoying.

I also think it is weird for NY to pay tribute to Boston in that way. It seems pretty unnecessary for a rival to that regardless of the situation. Kind of like Wade Boggs riding around on a horse in a Yankees uniform to pay tribute for 9/11. What's that? Wade Boggs was ON the Yankees? Even that seems wrong, so "Sweet Caroline" in NY is definitely wrong.

MUDawgfan said...

I am thinking seriously about making the trek up to Toronto to see the Falcons play the Bills. Hopefully getting a little redemption from the 1992 World Series loss to the Blue Jays.
Maybe I can stay at the hotel in the SkyDome.


Opening at New Orleans is miserable by Atlanta could go into the bye at 4-1 if they play well and knock off either the Saints or NE.

Can't believe the Seahawks rematch wasn't a primetime game.

11-5 for the Dirty Birds in 2013.

Anonymous said...

G$...we don't need to pass you....just need to tie because we will own the tiebreaker. LOLZ!

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, I know for a FACT that you are a Hamm's guy. Don't disrespect Hamm's like that again.

I believe that Seal is getting married in mid October so his road trip bachelor party will obviously have to be before that. Let's look at his options...

Ouch. It's either 9/15 at Baltimore which will be the Ravens first home game and thus insufferable or the next week at Minnesota. 10/20 they are at Green Bay which would be awesome but probably too late. Congrats on going to Minneapolis for the weekend. Say hi to Ricky Rubio.

Skins have 2 Sunday nighters, a Thursday nighter, and 2 MNF games. Rex Grossman = Ratings

By the way, I'm trying to put together a little trip with the missus to JerryWorld for the 10/13 Sunday Nighter Skins/Dallas game. She is a Cowboys fan. I've always wanted to spit on Jerry Jones. It's perfect. And I've always wanted to see this game in person.

GMoney said...

Listening him describe a beer is like listening to Terry Bradshaw describe football highlights.

Holy shit, that sounds awful based on the analogy.

Don't forget that Sweet Caroline was written and performed by a guy born and raised in Brooklyn!

NHL tiebreakers make no sense since we already proved that we are vastly superior to you. I'm not worried. You guys are awful. You already know this. You don't deserve to get swept by Chicago. WE DO!

The Iceman said...

Speaking of tie breakers...this is why women should never be allowed to run anything sports related. This chick my brother works with started an NCAA pool and I got 2nd. Tied for second, actually. But my total points in the title game....you know, the fucking universal tiebreaker system...was closer than the person I tied with. I get an email from her asking how I want my second place money that I apparently split with the guy who tied with me. I told her to give it to my brother and he can keep it. She completely ignored the tie breaker system in place. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

Craft beer snobs are the worst creation ever. I'm Facebook friends with a lot of them. The best is when they take pictures of the beer and post it to social media like we don't know what the fuck beer looks like. And by the best I mean get fucked with broken glass.

The one thing I love about the NFL draft is all the hilarious stories that emerge. Like Tavon Austin scoring a 7 on the Wonderlic test and DeAndre Hopkins trashing his hotel room and peppering the bathroom wall with his own shit before leaving. Keep em comin boys!!

Browns will be terrible like always. It doesn't matter who's on the schedule. They could play the Jags all 16 games and still finish 4-12.

Anonymous said...

Cleveland would never play the Burger King jingle at a game.

Thats the theme song for Pittsburgh, right?

Seal

Ide said...

Craft beer/good beer is great for when you're grabbing a pint after work or what not. I drink the shitty stuff if I plan on drinking a lot.

Patton Oswalt was god awful as always last night.

GMoney said...

DeAndre Hopkins and some other black smearing feces all over their hotel room during the most important job interview of their lives is just the greatest. The Clemson non-grad learned all of Jeff's secrets apparently.

Austin's 7 is funny, but Mo Claiborne's 4 last year will always be the LOL-est.

Dammit, Seal, pick a road game!

Skins play the AFC Norf (4 wins) and AFC West (4 more wins). Get scared, '72 Dolphins, because Kirk Cousints is comin' for ya butts.

GMoney said...

As a Star Wars nerd myself, I have no problem listening to a dork go one a tremendous rant about what the 7th movie should look like. He had Jamm interested! SCI FI JAMM!

GMoney said...

Dammit, I meant NFC Norf. My typing has been atrocious as of late. I need to get a few lessons from Mr. Behrman.

Anonymous said...

I have a good friend that just moved to DC, obviously close to Baltimore - so it will probably be the Baltimore game. Not guranteed yet, though.

Drew stop being a pussy. You have not responded to about 10 comments towards you in the past few days about how much the wings suck. You are so quick to jump on someone when their team blows, but when your team chokes you run and hide in a corner like a pussy.

Pussy boy.

Seal

Jeff said...

So we call African Americans apes and gorillas and then get mad when they have primate-like tendencies and throw their own shit at each other?

Bunch of hypocrites, I tells ya!

Jeff said...

Oh and SWEEP! windians!

Anonymous said...

Glad to see the NFL has finally recognized what a huge rivalry the annual grudge match between the Browns and Bills has become by making it a prime time game. The legends that have taken part in this game for the last 10 years is pretty amazing.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Seal has always wanted to see the Browns win a title. The old Browns celebrating their championship is exactly what you need!

Prime99 said...

I will never forget the classic 2010 Browns/Bills matchup that occurred during the great blizzard of 2010. It is said that many smart people made money by betting the under that day...

Anonymous said...

"So we call African Americans apes and gorillas and then get mad when they have primate-like tendencies and throw their own shit at each other? "

I call it par for the course.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Slow Seal > Pussy Drew.

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal....the Wings are going to make the playoff and the Poo Jackets won't. It's going to be hilarious. Like when the worst OSU team ever still beat one of Apes best Toledo teams.

--Drew

GMoney said...

This hunt for the Russian bomber BRAH is terrific drama. It is the world's version of the race for the western conference 8 seed.

Anonymous said...

Meh, it's all going to be very anti-climatic. They are going to shoot wannabe Vladimir Klitscko in his face and be done with it. The only way that would be TOTES great, is if it were all caught on camera. You robbed us of the Bin Laden killshot, DO NOT TAKE THIS FROM US!

So far the people on facebook have accused the other one as taking the cowards way out and killing that cop and essentially himelf. Because, apparently, going to court, then jail for years before you get killed is a lot more brave than going out in a blaze of glory.

Ide

GMoney said...

Blaze of glory trumps all. Bon Jovi hit the nail on the head for Young Guns 2. Richie Sambora's guitar licks are ELITE on that track.

Brady said...

Great post today, G$! Not a hint of NBA talk.

I've been glued to the Boston coverage today. Can't believe it was a couple of commies! Plus, from the sound of it, they may have Islamic ties as well. The rare commie/muck muck hybrid. I can't think of a worse combo outside of Steeler/Michigan fan.

It's going to be a long year in Cleveland. We have a good lineup (when healthy) but that pitching is awful. As teenage girls or black people would say... SMDH.

Anonymous said...

Granny did it

Anonymous said...

This racist overly psychotic sorority girl has been a real hoot if anyone else gas paid attention to uproxx/Daily Show. He bigoted jokes are ELITE. She has a really bright future ahead of her. Can we get her to guest write on this site?

Ide

GMoney said...

Only if I'm allowed to cunt punt her.

Also, put me down on the side of people who hate the stupid "Lumbus" moniker that the internet is playfully calling the Jackets. No one that has truly joined the battle would call us that.

After hearing the breakdown of remaining schedules on the radio over lunch, Dallas is doomed. The Wings have a tough slate ahead outside of that home game with Nashville. Fuck Detroit is what I'm saying. Do you really want to see The Joe infested with 60% Blackhawks fans? Or would you like to see Bob stone the record-setting Native 'mericans in one of the biggest upsets in league history? Thought so.

GMoney said...

Worth mentioning: Well, well, well if it isn't File-o Pile-o.